Adult DD has no friends! How can I help her?

[IndominusRoxy]

I feel so shit for her. She’s currently upstairs very upset after seeing numerous Instagram posts of people out in pubs and restaurants while she has no one to go out with.

She’s on furlough now until the end of October and is very isolated and is actually driving me nuts as she has no one else to talk to and she’s constantly woe is me, I have nobody etc.

She had friends at school until the last few years at secondary when so called friends started being bitchy and spreading rumours. She is a very pretty girl and I know other girls were jealous of her. She’s also quite shy and gets very anxious until she gets to know people.

She had a few friends through college from school but they all turned against her leaving her with one who was her best friend until around a year ago. This friend was a ‘wrong un’, dropped out of college, got DD into doing drugs and boozing a lot (she accepts that was her responsibility too) and she tried to end the friendship a few times as she knew it was quite toxic but she finally ditched her after she stole money from her. They were friends for 4 years so it was very hard for her especially as the girl was constantly trying to contact her for months afterwards.

Even at Uni she struggled and only made one friend as she lived at home as we couldn’t afford to sub her accommodation.

We were delighted for her as she got her dream job in London late last year and planned to move into a house share by the end of this year. Struggled to make friends at work as no one of her age in her department but she had started going out for after work drinks with some similar age people from another department then lockdown happened and she hasn’t been to work since mid March, as she had to work from home until she was furloughed in April. These work colleagues haven’t responded to her texts for a chat.

She has also never had a boyfriend only a few one night stands from her boozy days which she bitterly regrets now.

I feel like I’ve completely failed her as a parent as I have no friends either due to my abusive childhood as I struggle to trust people and prefer to keep to myself so come across as standoffish and snobby. I’ve had counselling for that but it didn’t help unfortunately. DD’s childhood was the opposite of mine and we always encouraged friendships, had sleepovers, took her mates on days out, fed them etc.

We’ve been trying to work out how she seems to attract toxic people and what she can do to change it.

She joined our gym back in January as I suggested she do some classes to meet people but she would only do classes if I went which defeated the point of the object. I’ve suggested going on some dating apps to chat as due to the virus she has an excuse not to meet up with anyone if she doesn’t want to but she won’t. She asks for advice but it normally ends in an argument as she doesn’t like what we suggest. It’s really draining me!

She’s 23. I don’t know what else to do.

Any advice?

[Supersimkin2]

OP, for a start I'd be beyond grateful that DD has dumped the druggy mates - some friends no one needs.

Good on her. Of course there'll be a gap now, and thank God for that. Meeting friends at work is dodgy - not many people I know have found soulmates at the office. Suggest she finds something she likes doing, joins a group doing it, and takes it from there.

[islockdownoveryet]

My dd sounds very similar to yours struggles to make friends etc is extremely shy and quite anti social .
Your dd May attract the wrong people if you say but in my experience it's because to those kinds of people they can sense the vulnerability and the long ness to be liked .
I suggest your dd building her confidence meeting like minded people. Ok work is out at the minute but she'll go back to work eventually and meet people that way but join groups more things are starting to open gyms outdoor fitness etc .
I was also a bit like my dd very shy I'm not now far from it ,I've learnt over the years to make friends with like minded people who have the same interests not just people for the sake of it .
I do feel sorry for the younger generation with social media because people compare lives .
I also suggest talking to her is she unhappy encourage her to keep busy and love herself, I know it's corny but it's true .

[Yumblesbumbles]

I think that she sounds a bit naive and easily led. I know it’s hard but I think the best thing u can do is let her get on with it. Make it clear that you can’t solve this for her...she’s going to have to put herself out there and either try some hobbies or join some online meet ups / dating or something but it’s really for her to sort out.

It’s great you are there to provide a sympathetic ear but that’s all u can do now. She’s still very young and needs more life experience...things will work out in time but I would take a step back from it all and let her work it out for herself now.

[SnuggyBuggy]

@ittakes2

My parents didn’t have any friends when I was growing up. I went on a parenting course about friendships and it says parents model how to have friends. Kind of explains why I struggled since I didn’t ever see my parents with friends! I also encouraged my children to have friends but it didn’t always work. By chance the therapist running the parenting course on friends also coached ASD children on how to build friendships. So both myself and my children saw her privately. I learnt things like improving my eye contact. My daughter and son where encouraged to choose six other children each and concentrate on building friendships with them. They were taught about asking these other children questions to help build a connection. If I was you I would look for a therapist, or life coach or watch YouTube videos or read books to help her. She needs to build her social skills.

Do you have any links? I'm really determined not to continue my family's legacy when it comes to this.

[ittakes2]

My parents didn’t have any friends when I was growing up. I went on a parenting course about friendships and it says parents model how to have friends. Kind of explains why I struggled since I didn’t ever see my parents with friends! I also encouraged my children to have friends but it didn’t always work. By chance the therapist running the parenting course on friends also coached ASD children on how to build friendships. So both myself and my children saw her privately. I learnt things like improving my eye contact. My daughter and son where encouraged to choose six other children each and concentrate on building friendships with them. They were taught about asking these other children questions to help build a connection. If I was you I would look for a therapist, or life coach or watch YouTube videos or read books to help her. She needs to build her social skills.

[Brissole]

First off well done OP for asking for advice, not always easy! Second off you are now going to have to tune out all the insensitive and negative posters

I agree with TigerDater (interesting username...) that taking the pressure off what friendships are going to get formed is key. Your daughter sounds like she needs to build herself and her social skills up from a bit of a low ebb. Just keep praising her efforts and I'm sure she will get there.

I read recently that peoples brains are still developing right up to 25 years old so she is still partly a kid in my book.

Good luck and remember to keep some reserves for yourself and your other kids.

Big virtual hug

[FunTimes2020]

Apologies, OP! is for @Mnhealth202020

Lots of advice upthread. I really feel for your daughter

[FunTimes2020]

@IndominusRoxy

Very helpful thanks.

[Wondersense]

would only do classes if I went which defeated the point of the object.

Oh dear. That is not good. Why on earth, at 23 years old, does she need her mum to come with her? What is she? 6?? She needs you for the handhold, but she should not be regarding you as her security blanket at this age. It's not healthy and draining for you.

I feel bad for you as you are clearly doing a lot of emotional work here. This seems like a complex issue that might need to be sorted by a therapist. You might need to take a harsher tone and make it clear that she is now and adult and not only should be trying to help herself, but she should want to help herself.

[PippaRose]

Really sympathise with your situation. I think the time after uni when you first start work can be really hard. I remember when I was that age most of my school friends were living away from our home town and uni mates were scattered all over and it was tough and I did feel alone. I did have a boyfriend but would have been better off without him!

I know it’s hard to be patient when it seems like everyone else is having the time of their lives but it will in all likelihood get better. I made lots of new friends through work in my 20s and early 30s in London and it sounds like your daughter is on the right track, but her plans have been halted by coronavirus.

I’m now married with 2 DC and wouldn’t say I’m the best at making friends and do feel socially awkward at times but it’s got easier the older I got.

All best for you and your DD.

[TazSyd]

How about meet-up?

Some groups are starting to meet in groups of 6 again.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Your dd could be autistic or she could be incredibly painfully shy.
Was the drinking to give her confidence to speak to people.
The one night stands more to do with craving attention. In the moment she had someone’s undivided attention.

When she talks to you about her life I think suggesting situations where it is specifically about making friends isn’t actually addressing the underlying problem and putting huge pressure on her to perform and I think she sees this and that is why she doesn’t take the suggestions further.

I suggested getting a job in the evenings and/or weekends (I don’t think if she is furloughed that it is illegal to get a job outside the hours she would normally work) somewhere where she is forced to speak to loads of people not just her work colleagues and where it is more about focussing on what she can do for a member of the public rather than focussing on herself. IYSWIM.

Friends Ds spent a year off between A levels and university working in his local pub.
He was incredibly shy. Didn’t really drink didn’t play sports and felt he just didn’t belong in any group. He was also really immature and his parents were scared that he would get to university and the social side would either pass him by or he would get in with the wrong crowd and in-order to fit in would find himself in situations he couldn’t handle.

They suggested he take a year off to stay at home, go to work locally and save some money for university and funnelled him into a job in the local pub/restaurant.
It did him the world of good. At the start being shy he stuck to the script of asking what a customer wanted etc but then as he got to know people he got to recognise the regulars and they started to speak to him socially and because most were people outside his age group and they were customers there wasn’t the pressure to think he needed to make friends specifically
with these people and it was his job to chat to them

It didn’t necessarily lead to a best friend or a gf but he went to university the next year a more confident person.

[SnuggyBuggy]

I agree with above, sometimes you can do everything right and just never find the right people to be friends. It does get harder the older you get and not everyone succeeds just like not everyone gets married who wants to. Some people have the confidence and charisma to approach stranger and strike up conversations, others couldn't pull it off in a million years.

I've read a lot (too bloody much) of advice on how to make friends and the thing that's missing is the advice on how to make the best of things when it doesn't work out. For some people acquaintances are a reasonable second best and others might be better finding things they can enjoy alone.

Counselling might help her figure out what sort of approach will suit her here.

[Itwasntme1]

I agree some of the comments here are awful.

Your daughter is struggling, and you want to help. But It is hard Because we are hearing your version of her life, not hers.

You are clearly very close, maybe too close. The advice about making friends has been done to death - running clubs, maybe a part time masters degree etc all can work. But she might not really ever have a close friendship circle, not everyone does.

I would suggest she gets some counselling, just to work through how to be more comfortable with herself.

[PinkBuffalo]

Everyone mentioning autism - I do have autism so actually maybe my experience might help op and her daughter

[PinkBuffalo]

I did not have friends when I was your DDs age either. To be fair, I do have friends now (I am mid 30s) but I do not think it would cope going out to a pub or anything (I do not do well in busy places)
I joined a small independent classes only gym up the road from me about 20 months ago. I made loads of friends there! It did take a while but because it is set up that we can all have a chat before and after class (again I am not very good at that either!) but because I went there everyday I saw the same people and have got some very good friends out of it. Gym is starting to reopen a bit but I cannot go back yet. But I am still in contact with my friends and see one after work every week in the park for a couple of hours so this is good.

Another place I made friends was at my community centre. They hold activities and after I had been there a few times I started doing a bit of volunteering. They are very good at showing me what to do. Everyone is so nice there and I cannot wait to see people again.

I am friends with everyone at work, but we live all over the county so I do not meet up with them outside of work. But we occasionally when things are normal have an “office buffet” that everyone joins in with.

Obviously all these things are on hold at the moment but it might give you/your daughter some ideas. When you say she did not make friends at work because they are different ages - All my friends are both men and women of various ages, from early 20s up to very elderly! I do not worry about that sort of thing as find most people in the world are nice to me really no matter what age etc they are.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Also this from Temple Grandin:-

www.ted.com/speakers/temple_grandin

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I also thought of ASD when it came to your DD and I would certainly state she is a vulnerable adult. Autism presents very differently in girls and I would think she has had social and communication difficulties in respect of both making and keeping friends since she started school. That is also just the tip of a bloody great iceberg.

There are many unwritten social rules relating to communication with other people. These unwritten rules are often instinctively learnt and taken for granted. When people disobey these unwritten rules, sometimes they get away with it, but usually they who break informal rules are made to suffer informal punishments. These punishments may include being laughed at, being treated as a less important person or being isolated. Autistic people can be sadly all too good at worrying so I am not surprised she has and is feeling anxious about her life.

I would urge you to read all of this and see how much of this also relates to your own daughter:-

www.autism-help.org/aspergers-guide-intro.htm

[Gardenermumtobe]

There's a website called Meet Up where people organise socials for others interested in meeting new people, I made friends through it 6/7 years ago when new to the area. Another one is City Socialising. My sister has also started volunteering for an organisation called Mental Health Mates which I think has regional volunteers that set up socials, that might be good if she has any anxiety or depression issues. She could also try volunteering, I am terrible at making friends but made some lovely friends through volunteering. There's less pressure because you just chat as you are getting on with whatever talk you have been set and you don't feel like you have to be particularly interesting

[transformandriseup]

Some of these comments are really shit, it's clear OP's DD wants to meet new people and it's fine for a parents to want to help at any age. I struggled to make friends and still do mainly due to my own mums disability which made it hard to get time to myself when I was younger.

A few of my friends do drama groups, keep fit etc with their mums and have made friends through those groups.

[Mummyof2girls5and10]

Awww bless her. What about looking at charities in your area that need volunteers? This is a great way to meet people in your area and people volunteering to do charity work are usually genuinely nice people

[midnightstar66]

Sounds like you could well have hit the nail on the head with ASD. Girls present very differently to boys and social skills can be a big problem. The problem here is you've already suggested pretty much everything to her. She's asking for your help but not taking any of the advice on board. You are trying to help but she's got to help herself too.

[Love51]

If she struggles in social situations, then when the world opens up again, encourage her to observe people she admires and emulate them a bit. It is much easier than trying to describe to her how group conversations flow (eg you don't interrupt but you do give feedback - erm how? Much easier to watch it in practice). I wonder if there is anything on YouTube that shows real conversations, so she can watch it a couple of times, firstly focusing on the main speaker, then on the listeners.
As pp mentioned she may be on the spectrum, or have MH issues. You can still put in your own boundaries about how often you want to discuss this. Schedule it in - yes, I know you are upset, I been having some thought, let's discuss it at teatime.
Then the next day when she raises it - what did you try? Did it work? How could we tweak it. If she didn't try anything, say (nicely) come back to me when you've tried something.