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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone talk to me logically?

21 replies

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 16:43

I really don't need tearing to pieces.

I would love a husband and a boyfriend. My husband i treasure but has a low libido. I want to be touched, cuddled and chased.

I dont want an affair.

My husband wont change. He is him.

I am also currently being assessed for autism so am aware my feelings are black and white on this issue.

Is this even remotely doable? How do I approach my husband with this?

OP posts:

namechange12a · 11/07/2020 16:46

Well logically you're asking for something impossible.

1 I'm not happy with how things are
2 I've spoken to husband but things haven't changed and he's unlikely to change.
3 I don't want to be with anyone else, I just want husband to change

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 16:50

In my head I can see myself requesting an open marriage. Is this as bad as it sounds? This is my true desire

OP posts:

category12 · 11/07/2020 16:58

Sure, there are ways of opening your marriage.

Try reading the 'Ethical Slut' and 'Opening Up: Creating & Sustaining Open Relationships'.

You have to bear in mind that for a lot of people it goes Pete Tong, there's no way of predicting the outcome, but if it's what you want, look into ways of doing it ethically. You could also consider swinging.

What happens if your DH isn't up for it?

namechange12a · 11/07/2020 17:00

It's certainly worth suggesting to him, to see what he says but I would be very sure that's what you want because it can change everything.

It doesn't sound bad to me at all, whatever works for you both.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 17:21

If dh isnt up for it, I have no idea. I would prefer to be honest about my feelings

OP posts:

category12 · 11/07/2020 17:30

Perhaps reading the books I suggested ^ and sharing them would be one way of introducing the topic. It'll also help you think about the potential pitfalls and how to manage your own and his expectations.

Centaurpede · 11/07/2020 17:33

It's worth asking him if you can have an open relationship, but most people are not OK with that so you need to work out what you will do if he's not. Would you prefer to carry on the way you are and try and bring more excitement into your current relationship? Or is it never going to be enough for you, in which case you would have to leave and find excitement elsewhere...

Bunnymumy · 11/07/2020 17:34

It sounds like you love your husband as a friend. I think you need to consider that without so much as even cuddles from him, friendship is all it is.

I would look to separate, amicably. And then pursue a boyfriend relationship.

Trying to have your cake and eat it is not fair on anyone.

BertiesLanding · 11/07/2020 17:37

@Bunnymumy

It sounds like you love your husband as a friend. I think you need to consider that without so much as even cuddles from him, friendship is all it is.

I would look to separate, amicably. And then pursue a boyfriend relationship.

Trying to have your cake and eat it is not fair on anyone.

That assumes that her husband won't be open to it. And there's no way of knowing unless the OP asks.

I'd be frank and straightforward with your husband, OP. Either way, you'll know where you stand.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 17:39

I love my husband as a person - I like him. Like is important to me. I think he just isnt as sexual as me. I also appreciate freedom.

I'm going to speak to him. I'm scared

OP posts:

BertiesLanding · 11/07/2020 17:42

I think that's courageous, OP. I hope it turns out as best it can, no matter what decisions you both make.

Crystalspider · 11/07/2020 17:42

Suggesting an open marriage in itself may not go down well with your Dh. If you give it up then you'll only have fleeting flings which won't fulfill you unless you are lucky enough to find a man they commits again, easier said that done! All relationships will settle and excitement wears off, I'd think carefully before ending your marriage.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 17:45

I really don't want to end my marriage. I like my marriage. It works well. We support each others goals, raise our young boys, care about each other. He's not a perfect man and I'm not a perfect woman.

Before I married my husband I was seeing both him and another fella. It was brilliant. They both knew where they stood but I eventually felt I should choose my husband and ended things with the other guy. I don't know why I did. I just felt it was the done thing

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 11/07/2020 17:51

Rude thing to ask perhaps but, are you sure you would be able to find a boyfriend again whilst you have a husband?

I mean, finding flings for sex should be easy enough but finding an actual boyfriend level connection (cuddles included) may not be.

It takes a certain sort of person to be ok with this...and often you may find that they are not particularly nice people.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 17:54

I'm happy enough with a fling or a fwb. I just need to speak to husband. Christ knows how I'm going to broach this conversation. I'm so rubbish at expressing myself and explaining things. I tend to bulldoze in with half a thought rather than explaining everything fully

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 11/07/2020 17:59

I guess it's worth asking him then.

It's just,it sounded from your original post that you were missing intimacy, not just sex.

And if you were not able to achieve that from a secondary relationship either...

Just wonder if you are sure sex alone is worth risking the marriage for...

If so, all you can do is be honest and hope for the best. But be prepared if it doesnt go downward. Even if in theory he is fine with it, it may not work in practice.

If I were him...I might feel that you regretted choosing me and wished youd taken the other guy back when you were seeing us both.

Bunnymumy · 11/07/2020 17:59

*down well

Dery · 11/07/2020 18:03

If your husband was able to accommodate you seeing someone else before you got married, then that's surely a good start. Maybe at some level it actually suited him if your libidos are very mismatched. Presumably you would be happy with him seeing someone else also.

My DH and I have had an open relationship in the past (funnily enough, second time I've mentioned it today...) though in fact we scarcely did anything with it - so I know from personal experience open relationships can work but they do need to be very carefully managed and it took us many years to get to a place where it was possible (and, in fact, we wound up in that place by accident).

The book recommendations should really help.

Good luck, OP.

LonginesPrime · 11/07/2020 18:09

I am also currently being assessed for autism so am aware my feelings are black and white on this issue.

As someone who's neurodivergent myself and who often feels that romantic relationships lack that 'spark' and intensity I need, my advice would be to make absolutely sure that what you're looking for is a lover/open marriage before saying anything to DH.

I've always felt like I'm on the outside of life looking in and have left many relationships or wanted to spice them up, etc because I didn't experience the full connection I felt I needed to feel complete/happy.

However, looking back following my diagnosis, I realise it wasn't that the relationships were lacking, it was that I was looking for that missing piece of the neurodivergence puzzle and searching for it in all the wrong places.

I'm not saying that this is what's going on with you, OP - just suggesting that it might be something to think about before you rush into anything marriage-wise that might not be easy to undo.

Original poster

Heartofstrings · 11/07/2020 18:42

@LonginesPrime I think this might be something to do with it. I need to think hard before I speak to him.

I think I might introduce the topic by talking about swinging. It might open up the topic in a non threatening way.

Interestingly, when I was close to both of them, after things were more serious with dh, we would sometimes all have dinner together. Just all as friends, nothing more, but they got on well with some level of closeness that I find hard to describe

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 11/07/2020 18:56

It also sounds like you felt like you had to conform by moving forward with a traditional monogamous relationship, OP.

My own experience is very similar, in that I felt so much pressure to conform to society's expectations and fit in, I did lots of things because it seemed to be what everyone else was doing. What I didn't realise at the time was that my sense of not fitting in was down to my neurodivergence and that no amount of emulation of traditional lifestyles was actually going to make me like the neurotypical people I wanted to blend in with.

My suggestion would be to try to speak to a counsellor or similar and try to work out exactly what you feel is lacking and why (taking into account your possible late ASD diagnosis too) before you suggest to DH that it's about your marriage.

Perhaps an open relationship is the answer, perhaps deep down you might not have gone monogamous or got married in the first place and perhaps it's something else. But IMO you should make a little headway within understanding yourself before you have a stab in the dark with suggesting an open marriage if you think there's a risk DH might not be on the same page.

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