Partner making excuses not to move

[helpamummaout]

Wanted to move since the start of the year now, we have toddler twins and we have outgrown our house, to the point it's suffocating. The area isn't great and the schools even worse.
Before covid we discussed moving, we both wanted the same or so I thought, I got as far as having our house valued, was really excited and was asking him now what when he finished work, all of a sudden he said he wanted to put things on hold as he was worried about his job security?! It was the first I'd heard of it. Tbh there was no real reason he should be worried but I though fair enough I'll ease off a bit. Fast forward to now, things getting a bit more "Normal" I've broached then house subject again, start looking at houses we find ones we like, again all of a sudden loads of issues come up - "now isn't the right time - worried about job still - worried about the economy - too stressed with work". To begin with I said fair enough and asked if he could Atleast give me a little time frame so I felt I could have something to work towards, but he says he can't. I feel he may have some kind of anxiety about change as it took me so long to persuade him for us to go on holiday to Spain to visit grandparents in sept, we had to write pro's and cons lists and all sorts.
This house is in his name and I've saved my bum off to get half a deposit off so I can be on the next mortgage. I feel I don't have a say in anything, I'm feeling really frustrated and lost right now to the point I'm questioning the whole relationship. I may be being unreasonably which I will accept but please be kind.

Hmmm, he’s money savvy, for himself?

It’s good that you’re not paying into the mortgage. But you’ve had DC and gone PT and presumably he is FT. So you’re facilitating his personal earning ability at your direct expense. Unwise when you’re not married.

Marriage doesn’t need to include a big, or even any, wedding. Costs a few hundred pounds. If that’s really what’s holding him back - sadly lots of men don’t want the financial commitment in the event of break up, they want the mother of their DC to take on all the risk.

I have a pension, but no will.
Yes I'm part time because of the children. He is the higher earner so it made sense.
I'm pretty sure I am on some kind of insurance of his that if he died I'd be entitled to something to help pay the house off ... will be looking more into that.

He wouldn't mind if I said I wanted to go full time. But with us having twins it doesn't make sense with regards to childcare costs.

It made sense for him. It doesn't for you if you're not a partnership in the legal sense.

You're sacrificing long term earning power, potential career advancement, how big your pension pot will be. Women do this for their families all the time, but if you're not married, it can leave you completely up shit creek.

If he doesn't like marriage, how about a civil partnership? Gives you the legal and financial protections. Bet he won't want that either.

My sister is having the twins tonight so we can go for a meal. Think I'm going to write everything down and get it all off my chest. I hardly slept last night thinking about it all.

It is not a great time to move unless you have to.

But there sounds more to this than your dh not wanting to move. Deeper issues with his money and how he wants to spend it. You say he was reluctant to go on holiday. Has he been like this all through your relationship or has it started in last year or so?

Some people have hinted OP that you are being a bully or controlling but it seems to me that he might be the controlling one by keeping you where he wants you. He has the house in his sole name and will not entertain the idea of marriage, and you work pt. How do the rest of your finances work?

I dont know how old your dc are but regarding schools if your dc do not get in a school you want you can always put them on the waiting list of a school you do want.

How too small is your current home? I imagine you would like the kids to have a room each or a bigger garden?

I can see why moving while stamp duty is raised to a higher start level is tempting.

But there does seem to be less choice on the current market and I say this as someone who has to move and I had very little to choose from and have had to choose something I normally would not have done. I keep telling myself I dont have to live there forever. I do not have a choice to move or not, I have to move. I am divorced and the house is being sold as per financial order.

Yes, you need to look into your financial position, which at the moment is precarious. I'd look at your relationship with a hard eye now too, as it is heavily weighted in HIS favour, financially.

He has everything his way, basically -

• he gets to have the family life he wants,
• plus the primary asset of the house is his alone,
• plus his earning power, career trajectory and pension is completely unaffected.

You have taken a cut in earnings, potentially lost job progression, reduced your own pension pot and have no claim on the house.

In the short term it seems to make sense to do this (and you may have wanted to for the dc), but when you're not in a legal partnership, essentially you're shooting yourself in the foot while he is sitting pretty.

He's always been good with money but never had this anxiety of spending ect since the girls were born. They are 2.5 years old. We live in a 2 bedroomed house at the minute. Small living room, kitchen, not enough storage ect. Luckily we have a garden though.

Writing it down is a good idea, it will help you to get your thinking clear in your head. And it will help you to stay focused when you talk to him. No reason why you can't nip off to a registrar if he doesn't want to be the centre of attention at a proper "do". I know from experience how it feels to be stuck in a house you've grown out of, but I think he's got good reason to be cautious right now. But he needs to show you he's got your back financially, just saying it isn't enough.

Yeah it's not nice but if needs to happen I'll accept it, but now it's all the other things that's the issue now. I started writing things down this morning so I can make sure I get it all out in the open.

You can get married in 20 minutes at the local registry office with two witnesses.

Why doesn't it make sense for you to work FT because of childcare costs? They are his children too, so childcare should be a shared cost, no?

Suggest read up on the difference between single & married & civil partnership

You are both currently single

Read up on the next of kin if someone passed away. If the property is not in your name, money/property may ñot automatically go to you

Can you work FT & share the child care cost ? Because currently you are in a vulnerable position

Read here before you speak with him: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I've broached marriage before and he doesn't want to get married either maybe this is where it's all stemming from as I feel he doesn't want to move forward with me with a number of things.

He doesn't want you to have any claim on his assets, and not wanting a big wedding has nothing to do with it. It's just a lame excuse.

I'd be wary of buying a house jointly without being married, it could get very complicated if you split later. At the very least you need an agreement drawn up by a solicitor saying how much each partner had contributed and what percentage each would be entitled to if it were sold. You could pursue him for maintenance for the DC but if you are not married it is not likely that he would have to maintain you after a split and if your DC were still young this could leave you in a difficult position.

You working PT does NOT make financial sense at all, for you personally, when you’re not married. The risks are disproportionately yours.

What category12 wrote earlier and it bears repeating:-

"I've broached marriage before and he doesn't want to get married either maybe this is where it's all stemming from as I feel he doesn't want to move forward with me with a number of things."

He has this all how he wants it currently and he does not want to move forward WITH YOU. He does not want to share and he could easily add your name to this current mortgage if he wanted to. Same with marriage; he is just giving you flannel here.

Your legal position here as it currently stands is extremely poor and in the event of separation from him he would only be financially responsible for his children. I hope you get on well with his parents OP because in the event that he died you could well become reliant on their goodwill. The law currently sees you as two separate individuals unrelated to each other and you will be treated as such.

I would also think these children have his surname as well; if so this yet more power and control you unfortunately handed over to him at overall cost to you.

Childcare costs for twins, paid for by both salaries, are likely to be a lot less than the costs and risks to of your current set up.

@category12

He has everything his way, basically -

• he gets to have the family life he wants,
• plus the primary asset of the house is his alone,
• plus his earning power, career trajectory and pension is completely unaffected.

You have taken a cut in earnings, potentially lost job progression, reduced your own pension pot and have no claim on the house.

In the short term it seems to make sense to do this (and you may have wanted to for the dc), but when you're not in a legal partnership, essentially you're shooting yourself in the foot while he is sitting pretty.

This x100

You are in a really precarious position right now. And whilst you don’t think he would screw you over, I’d suggest you take a look at the relationship boards for how this story can play out down the line.

Forewarned is forearmed and all that.

I was just about to post that CAB link. Really bad idea for you to have taken the career and pension hit to provide childcare for a boyfriend who refuses to offer any legal security. He could remove you from his property at any point, theoretically. You need to immediately get a secure home and work full time again, the boyfriend can sort out childcare, 50/50 responsibility for everything.

Yes I'm part time because of the children. He is the higher earner so it made sense.

No, it doesn't. It makes no sense at all. That's a really shit, short term rationale that benefits him but fucks you over in the long term.

Childcare is a shared cost and shared responsibility, they are his kids too.

Your long term earning potential and pension have been compromised and you're no more than a lodger in his house.

It seems because you've been treated incredibly badly in the past you now consider anything short of blatant mistreatment to be a good deal. You need to raise the bar.

Childcare costs for twins, paid for by both salaries, are likely to be a lot less than the costs and risks to of your current set up.

Exactly.

@helpamummaout

OP, I think if he feels the same way after things return to near "normal" after pandemic, then he simply does not like change, but as a PP has said, these are not ideal times to be moving house, every wage earner is anxious about the future.
In my own case, I wanted to sell my shared house in autumn next year, when I should receive a pension. My "housemate" has had valuers in every 2 years for past 6 years, to try and scare me into staying on the right side of him. He has done this so often now, (prompted by his daughter, who has never liked me)during the last row 3 weeks ago, I suggested he have house valued again, and this time put it up for sale. A national EA rang him last week, to see if he would sell with them, he replied " Can i get back to you? I'm waiting for my daughter to give the go-ahead !"
Best wishes to you OP

I don’t care theres a pandemic, the op should have her name on the house or move to get security given he doesn’t want to get married. A pandemic makes security more important than ever and someone anxious about money should bloody well get this. It made us sort our wills.
And if he doesn’t want that you have to go back to work. The first few months he needs to be on the hook for the early pick up calls etc and he has to do half pick up and drop off, you’ve facilitated an undercommitted man for long enough. Tip- make him do some pick up and he has to leave work, get them, work out what to feed them and bath them. Proper parenting!