Partner making excuses not to move

[helpamummaout]

Wanted to move since the start of the year now, we have toddler twins and we have outgrown our house, to the point it's suffocating. The area isn't great and the schools even worse.
Before covid we discussed moving, we both wanted the same or so I thought, I got as far as having our house valued, was really excited and was asking him now what when he finished work, all of a sudden he said he wanted to put things on hold as he was worried about his job security?! It was the first I'd heard of it. Tbh there was no real reason he should be worried but I though fair enough I'll ease off a bit. Fast forward to now, things getting a bit more "Normal" I've broached then house subject again, start looking at houses we find ones we like, again all of a sudden loads of issues come up - "now isn't the right time - worried about job still - worried about the economy - too stressed with work". To begin with I said fair enough and asked if he could Atleast give me a little time frame so I felt I could have something to work towards, but he says he can't. I feel he may have some kind of anxiety about change as it took me so long to persuade him for us to go on holiday to Spain to visit grandparents in sept, we had to write pro's and cons lists and all sorts.
This house is in his name and I've saved my bum off to get half a deposit off so I can be on the next mortgage. I feel I don't have a say in anything, I'm feeling really frustrated and lost right now to the point I'm questioning the whole relationship. I may be being unreasonably which I will accept but please be kind.

Is at least get you added to the current house. You are in a very vulnerable position as you are not married. He could literally change the locks tomorrow and throw you out if he wanted!

Whether or not it's the right time for you specifically to move or not no one can tell. The macro conditions are one thing but every individual circumstance is different. But you should be able to have a good conversation about it.

In the meantime keep saving, prepare for a mortgage application and get your current house ready for sale. So you can move quickly when the time is right.

Who's name is on the mortgage at the moment? If it's him, do you contribute to it? If yes, also be careful. If you split now you have no financial claim to the house. Could it be he doesn't want you to have any right to the house?

You’re not married, so a key concern should be your personal security - eg cohabitation agreement, working full time.

Would an option be to rent out his house and rent?

Would look at the deadline for school applications, as you’d want to move before that. Would make a plan B to do it alone if it comes to it!

We disagreed over moving (areas in our case, and to a more expensive house from a flat in London) after DC2. I was the one who didn’t want to move, had a lot of conflict over it, I gave in, in the end, it worked out well.

If he’s truly concerned about security etc he should have regard to yours too, and set up a fair cohabitation agreement (assuming one or both of you doesn’t want to marry, which would be cheaper).

@piethagoras wow, I am not controlling nor bullying. We are a family, if he doesn't want to move forward in life with me I think I have a right to know the full reasons why. That is not bullying.

Thanks for your replying everyone, deffo taking it all on board, feel like I'm understanding a bit more now.
Going to have a good chat about it today I think as neither of us are great communicators.
I've broached marriage before and he doesn't want to get married either maybe this is where it's all stemming from as I feel he doesn't want to move forward with me with a number of things.
No I wouldn't extend this house one of my main issues for moving is the area.
Also just going to keep hold of my deposit until I feel a bit clearer about things.
Thanks again for all your point of views it's really helped.

There's two thing here. I suspect job security IS a big thing. I myself have been made redundant just last week, for the first time ever, that's how bad things are. There's a fair few companies who are taking advantage of the pandemic as a reason to 'restructure' so the shareholders can get more profit, when in reality they're fine or would be in time but obviously the shareholders getting a new holiday home is way more important than keeping a roof over their employees heads.

I'm fortunate to have very in demand skills and already have a new job but is this the same as your DP? If my DH were made redundant we'd be concerned about a large investment because his skills are more niche.

Secondly, this is a power move. Conscious or not. He holds all the cards, you literally have no rights if he wanted to kick you out and you're paying half the bills I assume?

You need to work out which this is OP. I sympathize, we literally just moved for the same reasons and we are very glad we did. But the worry about paying a larger mortgage if one of you does lose your job is very real and very stressful!

[quote helpamummaout]@piethagoras wow, I am not controlling nor bullying. We are a family, if he doesn't want to move forward in life with me I think I have a right to know the full reasons why. That is not bullying. [/quote]
But you know the reasons why. You have said he is generally an anxious person. That’s a condition people suffer from. He has told you he has worries about his job security. There are two massive reasons for that. Before Covid it was Brexit and now it’s Covid.

The reasons are valid. Why aren’t you acknowledging and accepting that? If not bullying then you are being pushy and insensitive.

You also need to listen to the advice that his reasons may be different. For example if he does not wanting to be financially tied to you. Which is in effect the status quo anyway. That means you need to financially independent. Carry on saving and look at ways you can go full time. Make sure you have your own pension. Write a will to benefit your children.

I don't pay towards the mortgage at the minute as I've been burnt in the past and put a lot of money into a house with an ex and we split up I left in my car with some bin liners of my own things and nothing more.
My DP now is very kind and reasonable, I can't see him just leaving me with nothing unless I did something terribly wrong to him.
He works in business Intelligence, coding ect. He's always busy but I suppose that doesn't mean anything in the current climate.

Don’t be held back by him if he refuses to move forward.
You need to do what is right for you and your children.

Yes, the present uncertain situation re employment is worrying, and may be the reason he's holding off moving, but I agree with pps - he holds all the power here. You have no house security right now as the house is in his name only.

I would address this wth him.

@LemonTT before covid nothing had been said at work about his job security that's why it felt like a cop out. Now I can understand it more especially after speaking with others on here. He's never admit to having any kind of anxiety but it's just me trying to put 2 and 2 together. I really aren't a bully or controlling.

Could you buy a house for you and your DC on your own?

Why doesn't he want to marry you? Do you want to get married? It seems like he is indecisive in general
Have another chat with him about it all

It was about a year ago now that I broached marriage. He said he doesn't like the thought of all eyes on him and thinks it's a waste of money basically. I explained why it meant so much to me, and that I'd never want anything big it's just the meaning behind it and us all having the same family name, something I never had growing up. Anyway he said he didn't realise it had meant that much to me.

No I wouldn't be able to afford a house on my own for me and the children at the minute

Could he be concealing debt?

He thinks getting married to the mother of his DC and giving both her and his DC security is a waste of money? Nice.

Exactly @TwentyViginti ! Just feel I'm good enough to have children with but nothing more at the moment.

No certainly not concealing debt. He's very money savvy.

He's very money savvy

This is why he's not offered to put you on the present house then. Protecting HIS asset.

When you discuss marriage with him you need to talk about what a vulnerable financial situation being unmarried puts you in at the moment... don't worry about the meaning behind it, having the same name etc. etc. As others have said, if something went wrong now you could be out on the street with nothing.

If he ignores your concerns about that, he is a shit.

I personally wouldn’t get married again, wouldn’t get so legally stuck to another person. (You can change your surname by deed poll so that it’s the same as your children if it bothers you that much)
But I do think you should consider the home situation for you and your children. Living in a house that you have no ownership in is not how I personally would like to live.
And making sure you have a private pension and will is very valid.

While he may have a point that now may not be the time to buy a house (we're heading into a economic disaster and brexit won't help) - i think his reluctance coupled with the fact he doesn't want to marry you is pretty suspect.

He has financial/housing security.
You do not.
If he died suddenly, you'd be up shit creek.
Does he have a will? Do you have any financial protections at all set up?

You say you made a mistake previously, ending up out on your ear. While you may have learnt not to put money into someone else's mortgage, you've still made yourself pretty vulnerable and you've had a baby - are you part-time to facilitate childcare/his job? Bet his earning power hasn't been impacted.

@TwentyViginti

He's very money savvy

This is why he's not offered to put you on the present house then. Protecting HIS asset.

Exactly, he knows what he’s doing.