How do you accepting the ridiculous memories of yourself whilst in abusive relationship?

[WhoamI83]

Sorry for the number of threads recently.

I have another question as you are all so helpful!

When you are on the other side of abuse and you have memories of some of the ridiculous things that you have gone through what do you say to yourself? I have done and accepted some absolutely RIDICULOUS things, many scary, some down right mad!
I literately was acting as a different person and when I look at my memories it’s like wtf were you doing. Obviously with hindsight and once free of the cycle you can see things clearly. But how do I accept that I did those things? I can’t believe I feel for it for so long, I was a shell of a person. I’ve read EDMR is for the really scary flashbacks. I hold trauma in my body but I’ve also done some really stupid, totally opposite to my character things!

I think that you have to give your past self a bit of a break. You did the best you could at the time and in amongst the madness were probably trying to just keep it all together as well as you could.
Hand the reins to your future self, you got this now.

I don't know how you accept it, I'm still in the processing stage. I look back at the things I accepted and I don't understand why I let him treat me the way he did. I struggle with my memories of trying desperately to hold on to someone so toxic. The pain is still intense and even though I have no contact with him at all now, it's still a struggle for me not to reach out to him. I hate that about myself. I'm reading 'Mr unavailable and the fallback girl' at the moment and that is helping me a lot. But I still don't know exactly why I stayed with him for so long. He was emotionally abusive he was never physically violent towards me. The relationship was so toxic I developed Alopecia and ended up on antidepressants and sleeping tablets.

Reading DV books really helped me. There's common behavioural trends amongst victims. I was not alone. I acted normally in the circumstances

Well I feel like a total prick because he convinced me to marry him for a visa and not tell my family because we barely knew each other and they would think I was mad. He confused me so much in the beginning, getting me pregnant when I didn’t have any say in it. Pushing, shouting and scaring the crap out of me. He then beat me with the fact I married him without telling my family, using It to control me or he would tell my family what a deceitful bitch I was. I never knew this was happening and I feel like such a fool. What the hell was I thinking....oh yeah it’s how abuse happens, I still have to know all this shit!

Doing reading to help me understand abusive relationships, counselling to help me understand it was not my fault; both things to help me understand that some things I did to survive whether that be emotionally or physically and to help me understand that I did those things due to the conflict in my mind of loving him while knowing that what was happening was wrong. I don’t recognise the person I was in that relationship but those experiences have formed the person I am now.

Lots of therapy to help process the feelings, lots of reading about abusive relationships and abusers. Avoiding any person that triggers the memories has helped enormously. I know what you mean about those thoughts that are incredulous and self blaming at the things you did in your relationship. I still shudder at the things I put up with and accepted but it does get better with time. I was completely disoriented and shell shocked when I first left. Now, I can recognise bullshit in an instant and it doesn't scare me to stand up for myself. You really have to make major life changes to be able to move forward but you will get there.

Have you tried yoga and meditation? Being able to sit with the feelings makes them less scary. And you are not 'a prick'. It can happen to anyone.

Yes it can happen to anyone but it happened to me and I have all the memories of it happening. I can’t believe it all!

I view it as doing what I had to keep safe. Had lots of new crap to deal with so not a lot of time to dwell. I'm not really over it all yet even though it's been a few years now, I know one day I will have to deal with it.

Are you able to access some counselling? You seem to be traumatised by it. Are you feeling very anxious?

Just thank the lord you are not still 'in it'!

What's done is done, nothing you can do, so leave it right here.

We've all made mistakes in the past, look forward OP.

When did you leave him OP?

6 months ago. I have moments where I do feel particularly anxious and moments where I don’t.

It's still very fresh for you. You're still in shock. You will think of him less as time goes on. Trust me.

I think a visit to your doctor might be helpful. You may need some help with the anxiety. Talking to a therapist really can help. I developed bad anxiety when I left my ex-h. I managed to get over it with counselling. It's a painful process but also life changing. All the negative feelings you are experiencing are perfectly normal and acceptable but you do need to learn to accept them. Yoga and meditation helps as well. Sounds a bit random and new agey when you haven't tried it but concentrating on your breathing helps anxiety.

Coming away from abuse is like walking away from a bomb that has exploded. You feel disorientated and bewildered. It takes time for the body to adjust to not being on constant high alert and the mind to return to a normal rational state. The disbelief is very normal and part of the recovery.

Thanks I have been to the gp before lockdown. They said the best thing for me to do is to get through it. Covering it up with medicine will not make it go away. They gave me some online resources. I kind of felt worse during lockdown. I guess it was the fear of that and not working and having too much time on my hands.

I do feel better with what has happened now. I still feel disconnected to my memories but I fear I have to just accept that I was acting very different then, I was being manipulated. I justified his actions to survive at the time and now I can’t believe I lived like that!

I’ve had a quick scan of your posts.

It’s totally normal when you leave this kind of relationship you get flooded with memories of all the stupid, shit, scary situations you’ve accepted. Totally normal to hate, cringe and get annoyed at your self.

It will pass. Somethings you will never get over and will have flare ups of emotion but over time it will lessen.

I didn’t like therapy. But I wrote all my feelings out in a journal. Pages and pages and it took them out of my head.

What’s done is done. You can’t change the past, there is no point in beating yourself up about it but you can look to make a better you, one that works hard to heal herself and live the life you deserve.

I’m still angry at my old old ex. I was only 21 and he was older. He really dragged me in to the gutter with him. Physically abused me. Even burnt my hand in a cooker one. Cut big wedges of hair out of my head because he said I was flirting with a taxi driver. I don’t ever really think about him now but I think now at 41 if I ever seen him again I could punch him in the face or hit him with a stick!

I agree about medication. I think it masks the problem. I meant accessing counselling through your doctor. Journaling as @Evelefteden said is another good one to get it out there.

I need to go back to the gp I think and ask. I don’t like the sound of it over the computer though, prefer face to face.

I think I need time to come to terms with what happened. I get confused because he always told me and I firmly believed I was at fault. It’s a complete 180 flip in my brain and it’s hard to fully comprehend. Then I remember how he always came out on top, blameless and superior. He could work and go about his day and I was a mess at home. I still have those memories regardless or how I reclassify them now.

I can recommend EMDR, it's really good.

Personally, I'm trying to develop assertiveness so if anyone is a twat or manipulative in future then I can answer them back. The trick to that is not to care if you lose someone, a lover or friend, because after all you don't need them, you can live without them, especially if they're abusive/toxic anyway.

Also developing resilience so that, for instance, his threat to tell your family wouldn'tve had quite a massive hold over you, because you'dve know you could deal with whatever the consequences may be.

I know it sounds twee to describe it as a learning experience, but it is.

It's only been 6 months for me too, and I've decided to start seeing a therapist to go over some of the things he said/did/made me do.

Medication can/does help people cope by the way, but it's to help us cope with daily life rather than to deal with the underlying issues. Doing both meds and therapy is often a good plan.

It’s not easy is it.

Reading books and lots of them, counselling, meditation, being careful what friends you confide in, journaling, screaming into a pillow, crying, switching off with TV or light activities — keep going — one foot in front of the other.

Being able to see how bad it was is a very good start.

Try to accept this: you did whatever you could to survive a dangerous situation. Your brain evolved to get you through danger in a variety of ways: fight/flight when a situation seems escapable, flop/freeze if it feels inescapable. Those aren’t thought out responses, they’re like our inbuilt alarm system going off. If you are struggling now, it could be you haven’t been able to assimilate some of the things that happened; when we are in dangerous abusive situations, that can happen too - part of us doesn’t ‘know’ we are safe now. EMDR has good results. Yoga does too. Acupuncture helps the anxiety. The right talking therapies are great - ask the therapist about their approach to trauma.

I always flopped to the floor. I know your fear response is subconscious but I’m very embarrassed to think of myself like this in front of him. It was humiliating.

I don’t see myself as a weak person now and I wish I could go back to one of the occasions and give him big smack.