How do you accepting the ridiculous memories of yourself whilst in abusive relationship?

[WhoamI83]

Sorry for the number of threads recently.

I have another question as you are all so helpful!

When you are on the other side of abuse and you have memories of some of the ridiculous things that you have gone through what do you say to yourself? I have done and accepted some absolutely RIDICULOUS things, many scary, some down right mad!
I literately was acting as a different person and when I look at my memories it’s like wtf were you doing. Obviously with hindsight and once free of the cycle you can see things clearly. But how do I accept that I did those things? I can’t believe I feel for it for so long, I was a shell of a person. I’ve read EDMR is for the really scary flashbacks. I hold trauma in my body but I’ve also done some really stupid, totally opposite to my character things!

I think what Yesitsthethruth123 was saying is important. Some people are unconsciously attracted to abusive men. Many many women are strong independent women when we meet these men. So what makes us stay after the first, second, third red flag? Why was we not strong and independent enough to walk away right at the start? Why did we choose to believe it was ok to stay.

Every one needs to look at that because if we don’t we will never recognise and act accordingly and we will just go down the same path again. And many do.

This isn’t victim blaming this is just examining your own behaviours and your doing it.

I walked out of a physically abusing one straight in to an emotionally abusive one. Because he wasn’t aggressive or violent to me I didn’t think he was abusive. But there were red flags every where.

I do get exactly what what the posters said and there are things I can definitely work on. I just feel that everyone in the whole world has their issues. Abusers are very good at finding your issues and using your issues against you without you even knowing. I hope that if I learn out about the red flags I won’t ever stay with another.

It that's what abusers are good at
exactly, you fell victim to a skilled predator, he instinctively knew exactly how to manipulate you, he was drawn towards you because he 'smelled' his favorite prey
it's on him not you, but of course you must work on yourself and examine how he was able to fly under your radar

He wasn’t abusive when I met him. He was a nice outgoing guy or so I thought. Previous to him I had one other 5 year “normal relationship” in which we just grew apart over university. I only really know how to be me and if I try and change myself then he will have won. Although I am changed and need to work on the behaviours I’ve created in order to survive him. I’m happy with the person I was before I met him, not so happy with myself now!

I never used to think like this. I hated myself for being me. I tell myself over and over now it was never about me. It wouldn’t have mattered who I was, he didn’t want anyone, he wanted a puppet with no identity.

He wasn’t abusive when I met him. He was a nice outgoing guy or so I thought.

This is dangerous; replace it with 'I had no idea he was abusive, he was good at playing a nice outgoing guy'

Yes he was very good at playing the nice guy and even better at playing the lost little boy please feel sorry for me guy. He was a brilliant actor!

I tell myself that I forgive myself a lot – in my head, out loud, in the mirror, first thing in the morning, last thing at night. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I want past me to know that her responses and behaviour were understandable, and it's okay that I couldn't fight for myself in the same way that I can now.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know I could not have done anything else or else I would have. I was lost in the fog and it took complete breakdown for me to open my eyes. It’s hard to heal from it all plus the emotional breakdown but there was no other way out I know. I guess you could call it a breakout.

@CupoTeap

He wasn’t abusive when I met him. He was a nice outgoing guy or so I thought.

This is dangerous; replace it with 'I had no idea he was abusive, he was good at playing a nice outgoing guy'

Absolutely.

Oh OP.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I struggle to 'forgive' myself for accepting years of mistreatment and abuse.
I too had a breakdown, quickly followed by separation. Sometimes I don't know how I am still alive.

I too, collapsed a few times. I suffered from panic attacks, sleep paralysis and night terrors. I had dreadful IBS and spent our entire marriage on anti depressants. I sought counselling and therapy to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I had an assessment for ADHD and they gave me Womens Aid leaflets four years after our split. I thought it was too late to contact them.

In hindsight, I was a mess. An absolute mess, withmy self esteem shot to pieces. Its still not great. I had three children with this horror of a man. They adore him.

Unequivocally the hardest thing I have ever been through, my marriage. I am working so hard to get better but it's taking a long time. I just hope the journey will be worth it.

I wish you well.

I forgot to say, I am looking at my role in our marriage and where I could have been more resolute and stood up for myself. (My experience wont be same as others)

I have difficulty with being told I gave away my power but I believe there's an element of truth in that. For me, I want to avoid the same mistakes in the future.

But it's so hard, and lonely. Especially when others see him as some super nice guy.

That’s what I have a problem with also. I don’t think it was given away. It’s so insidious it happens slowly chip by chip. I actually believe he changed my brain, changed the way I viewed the world, changed my reality. My memories feel like that of a mad person!

OP I think you need to talk to some one professional to get all this out as I can see your starting new threads every day needing answers regarding him.

A therapist will be able to guide you through this properly,

I see you have children so it’s really important that you get the help you need so they are not effected by this still as it seems your still very much traumatised and can’t move forward.

You have alluded to in some of your posts that you also have some issues so speaking to some one professional will help you go through what’s going on.

You're right, hindsight is a wonderful thing. For a really long time I thought that my ex was this wonderful, kind person who would never do anything deliberately to hurt me and I thought that I was 'bad', a nasty, toxic person who ruined everything and any of his efforts to 'help' me. When he eventually left me I genuinely would thought I was broken and that everyone would find out how awful and despicable I really was.

Ironically, while we were still together I had started weight loss therapy to prove to him that I could lose enough weight to be attractive to him, but slowly I started being more honest in therapy about what was happening and she opened my eyes. Now I'm learning how to challenge flashbacks and thoughts and divide up the evidence 'for' and 'against'. I write down past events and thoughts so I can see them in black and white and it helps me to understand how his behaviour towards me affected the way I thought and behaved. Is therapy an option for you? Maybe through a charity or even the NHS if that's an option. I’m sorry you’re going through this

I am waiting on support from someone who has been highly recommended. Sorry for all the questions in the meantime. I function absolutely fine but I as it seems have a lot of unanswered question!

I remind myself that I wasn't really an adult then: I was the little girl I had been when I was growing up in an abusive household with abusive parents. I wasn't to blame; I didn't know any better; to me it was 'normal'.

And then one day, I started to grow up and see, and understand. And that's when I left. So when I look back, I mentally and emotionally scoop myself up in my arms and hold that little girl, because now I can look after her well.

@BertiesLanding that does sound a really reasonable thing to tell yourself. I do look like a child in my memories. It wasn’t till I had my children that I began to see our relationship as not normal. I got confidence from having them and I think it made our relationship worse. He seemed to like me scared like a little girl, easier to control I guess. He also didn’t like it that he got less attention because of them.

@WhoamI83

Sorry for the number of threads recently.

I have another question as you are all so helpful!

When you are on the other side of abuse and you have memories of some of the ridiculous things that you have gone through what do you say to yourself? I have done and accepted some absolutely RIDICULOUS things, many scary, some down right mad!
I literately was acting as a different person and when I look at my memories it’s like wtf were you doing. Obviously with hindsight and once free of the cycle you can see things clearly. But how do I accept that I did those things? I can’t believe I feel for it for so long, I was a shell of a person. I’ve read EDMR is for the really scary flashbacks. I hold trauma in my body but I’ve also done some really stupid, totally opposite to my character things!

I’ve also done some really stupid, totally opposite to my character things!'

Well I'm not sure what you want but it sounds to me like you're on the way to healing! It's good that you recognise these things! It's good that you seem to know who you are an can recognise that they were out of character for you! That means you might be able to see the causes for those things.

What you need to do now if be kind to yourself. Forgive your past self and know that you can look forward to a brighter future.

Yeah Im not entirely sure what I want either. I guess it’s just 15 years of not being able to speak and now I’ve a lot say

How about therapy? You can talk and talk and talk there, and it can be incredibly enlightening, and healing.

I think what I feel is guilt and embarrassment. For whatever reason I had children with this man and I have to live forever knowing that he will never love or treat them genuinely out of love. He wants from them what he did from me, he wants them to see him high up and they are low down. I know he takes them because he would rather I didn’t have them, when he has them he isn’t bothered.

@WhoamI83 - what would you say to a close friend who was going through these feelings and dealing with similar memories?

You'd be kind, wouldn't you - you'd tell her it was not her fault, that she has nothing to feel guilty or bad about, and you'd look for ways to help her deal with the memories in a positive way, and to forgive her past self.

Be that caring person for yourself - no-one deserves it more than you do.

I have told a few friends a few things but they are new friends and don’t understand the nature of abuse. Unless you’ve been through it I done think you can really understand and I don’t expect them to.
It’s really is a lot to take in.

I think half the problem is I have a very tired brain and its struggling to make sense of it all. I hope with time is starts to feel more connected to what happened.