How do you accepting the ridiculous memories of yourself whilst in abusive relationship?

[WhoamI83]

Sorry for the number of threads recently.

I have another question as you are all so helpful!

When you are on the other side of abuse and you have memories of some of the ridiculous things that you have gone through what do you say to yourself? I have done and accepted some absolutely RIDICULOUS things, many scary, some down right mad!
I literately was acting as a different person and when I look at my memories it’s like wtf were you doing. Obviously with hindsight and once free of the cycle you can see things clearly. But how do I accept that I did those things? I can’t believe I feel for it for so long, I was a shell of a person. I’ve read EDMR is for the really scary flashbacks. I hold trauma in my body but I’ve also done some really stupid, totally opposite to my character things!

But you know how that would have gone don't you? You kept yourself from further harm. Fighting back my well have been suicide.

How would you react to someone else telling you this? Stop being so hard on yourself. This was not your fault.

It would have gone very badly indeed I’m sure.

OP, I still struggle to accept what I put up with, and it's been quite a few years. I'm almost grateful that he finally got physically abusive towards me, because it was as though I could finally see him for what he was. Up until that point I'd just accepted the gradual increase of his control over me, and how everyone who knew us both believed he was such a nice bloke, so it must ALL have been my fault.

It was only my two closest friends who said to me afterwards 'we knew what he was doing to you, we could see it, but how could we tell you, when you didn't seem to realise it wasn't normal? We couldn't risk saying anything, in case you stopped talking to us, because he had you so isolated & confused.'

It was really bloody hard to hear that, but I needed to be told that. I needed to be told it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault either - the fault lies entirely with him. Abusive relationships don't start as abusive, it's such a gradual, insidious process that you don't realise until you're in so deep that normal rules no longer apply. It's like the world's slowest helter skelter.

Just hang on to the fact that you ARE out of the relationship now. But don't be angry with yourself. Self-preservation kept you safe then, and will from now on.

The last few arguments we had he really stepped up the threats, he said I believe “I could fucking kill you”. I really did see him then and I knew he hated me. I was going through a really difficult bereavement at the time an I was “annoying him” by being sad, I was taking too long. It was a parent and I was and still am devastated. I didn’t really get to grieve as he poisoned it because it wasn’t all about him. It’s very sad but without this bereavement I think I would still in my marriage. I thought to myself how can a man who loves me behave like this. I could not let the feeling go. He tried to twist it round this time, sending white flowers to my work telling me not to worry he will save me from my grief...urghhhh just awful!

Op this was also my turning point. I think it is for many people. Possibly why it's all so mixed up as well. Appreciate how far you have come, the journey isn't over but you have moved so far already.

Try to remember that you were instinctively protecting yourself as well as you could at the time. Dropping to the floor (essentially playing dead) is a survival technique. Please also remember that your brain physically changes when you are in a long term fear situation and responds differently. You are alive now and your instinctive actions enabled that to happen. Don't judge yourself through the lens of socially acceptable behaviour. You reacted exceptionally to an exceptional situation. Well done for still being here xx

@WhoamI83 Some of my above post was meant for you x

Sorry having some technical probs. OP my previous message is to you

Thanks. I remember I was so very sad during my marriage. He had me convinced I was damaged. He made me feel like not being alive anymore because there was no reason for me to be here.

He had no right to make me feel like that, I am an actual human who had a right to be alive and a right to have issues, I wasn’t perfect!

Honestly, looking back i'm just embarassed by how low my self-esteem was and how desperate I was and I have to take responsibility for that.

That's the hardest part for me. Writing him off as an abuser was easy, and he is one but accepting my part in how everything happened has been harder but I think, essential.

Time and distance help a lot, but it is important to process and reflect on what happened.
Have faith that these memories will not dominate your thoughts forever. It is still very recent and you will need a recovery phase while you process some of the things that have happened.
I second writing a journal.
If you write the memories and give yourself an opportunity to learn what you can from them, the next time that memory comes to mind, you can think about the book that it written in, the conclusion you have come to about it, and perhaps that will help those memories not dominate your thinking.

How can you take responsibility for low self esteem when it was beaten down. I didn’t meet my husband with low self esteem at all. Over the 15 years it was eroded. People tell me to look at myself but what did I do wrong? I fell into a trap.

Did I say you? Or did I say me?

You asked a question about peoples own experiences and I answered. Sorry if it wasn't what you wanted to hear but that was my experience.

It isn't helpful at all to ME to just see myself as a victim that fell into a trap or whatever, for ME I had to examine how/why it happened so it won't happen again.

But that's ME.

Sorry I didn’t mean to direct that at you.

All of it is on my husband. He almost had me wanting to check out of my own life. I personally did nothing wrong. This is what I’m trying to believe.

You are out of it op and that shows what a strong person you are. Some of us are still struggling to accept what we are living with is abuse and to work up the courage to leave. The only way for you now is up!

It that's what abusers are good at, no one would stay with them if they were like that at the beginning. Your not stupid for falling for a my of it.

I'm just less than 6 months out of my abusive marriage which was a decade long. Women's Aid signposted me to a local DV support charity (within a week of me leaving) and they have been my lifeline. I speak with someone once a week and that has absolutely kept me going. I'm pretty certain I would be in a much worse off state now had I not had this support. I've also completed the Freedom Programme online.

My family have been so supportive but what I've found to be a lifesaver, has been my weekly appointments. I still have moments of feeling like a twat for my part in staying for as long as I did.... But I think that will always happen each time I think of him and cringe. I deal with it in a much healthier way now and don't beat myself up for it anymore. You'll get there too.

I just think I was not in my right mind. Like I was under a magic spell, hypnotised, had Stockholm syndrome and psychosis.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I just feel that abuse is abuse, there is absolutely no way a “victim” of domestic abuse has to take any of the blame whatsoever. Nothing about who we are caused it to happen. We don’t need to change because of him. We can change because of us. We absolutely were victims, some still sadly are. For example if you get hit my a car or caught in an earthquake, looking back and seeing how you could have been a different person won’t change it. I was a victim this time. I won’t be again....I hope!

You weren’t a different person, it was a side of you that you are embarrassed by now but it was a side of you. That’s the starting point for accepting the past.

My circumstances were very different to yours but during the relationship post mortem I had to accept that I accepted a lot of questionable behaviour because I prioritised being in a relationship above all.

I look back now and don’t think wtf but choose to focus on the things I can change and the past isn’t one of them.

I look back now and don’t think wtf but choose to focus on the things I can change and the past isn’t one of them

Hear heat to this — for all regrets, mistakes, times others did me wrong & times I did myself or others wrong. We cannot change the past. Love, redemption & hope to you all.

*Hear hear

I agree with Agent Johnson; for me, I do feel like I was naive, hugely naive, but I also accepted things which I knew were wrong.

It was 2 years of my life. I have been able to move on, see more clearly, make better judgements and every relationship I have had since then has been progressively better.
I can’t imagine how long it must take to get over a much longer period of abuse though.