Like wtf! Totally confused and dont get it!

[Astonsmum1]

Hey guys, so I've started the world of online dating about 4 weeks ago, was talking to this guy for the past 4 weeks, we met up last week for the first time, great first date, then had our 2nd lastnight, also a great date. He stayed at mine, w laughing all the time, conversation never gets boring, he always texts me first and phones me, sometimes a few times a day, I made a point of thinking nope I'm not being full on and doing the chasing cause it never gets me anywhere. He says I'm great that he loves my company, then when he goes home today after being at mine and after giving me a huge kiss and cuddle before leaving and saying I'll see you friday, he tells me he doesnt think we have a future even though he really likes me etc, it just doesnt feel right. Like wtf??!!! So I spoke to him and was like I'm just taking things a day at a time, how can you tell after 2 dates and especially if you're saying that you actually like me and like spending time with me, he was just like I dont think you're the one for me. So I was like listen ok not begging you, I'm the kind of person that takes risks and chances and I believed that the way things were going was positive. I just dont get how after 2 great dates he can think that way?? See if we didnt get on and there were awkward silences ok I could get it, but I just dont get this and I'm confused as hell. He said hes going to text me later after hes thought about things. He said he still wants to see me etc he just doesnt think I'm the one. Does this make any sense to anyone cause I have gone from a total high to a total low now and questioning everything and my behaviour, when he is the one who like I said texts me all the time, phones me, told his family about me, told his friends about me, so what the hell.have I done? Please be kind I'm fragile . Xx

[Crystalspider]

Carry on talking and dating other men
This guy has told you there is no future so don't let him take up any more of your time/emotions, I'm sure he'll happily carry on sleeping with you but if I was you I would keep my self respect and find someone else, if a relationship is want you want then don't lower your self worth.

[PumpkinP]

Women like to say "he used you" but that isn't a real thing, ime.

He had sex with you/fooled around a bit, he didnt feel the chemistry he wanted, and so he is ending it. No point him pursuing a relationship with someone with whom he doesn't have the right sexual feelings.

I don't agree, lots of men KNOW before sex that they don't want a relationship with you but will still tell you they do to get their end away, some men don't want a relationship at all with anyone but know most women will run if they say they only want sex , so again pretending they want more, so it isn't always down to the person or the sex, very naive to think it is.

[VettiyaIruken]

Oh it is a real thing.
In my younger days, the number of men who would come out with the biggest load of absolute bollocks with the hope of getting a shag was ridiculous.

I even had a very dramatic "I think I love you" once .

Please. We've had 2 drinks together. Fuck off. 😂

I had one once who asked for sex on the grounds he hadn't had any for ages.
I was so impressed by his honesty that i briefly considered it 😁

[Gohackyourself]

I think it’s quite clear he enjoyed your company but doesn’t see anything further in it, it happens .What I do find quite naive of you is that we are still in a pandemic and you are having a person over to your house after only 2 dates to stay over.Especially someone from a dating site whom you don’t really know!?
I found when dating , don’t go on talking for weeks, meet after a week when you have established there’s a connection an chatted.Meet up see if connection still there and if it is do a good few dates before having someone over at yours!! Seems to cut the wheat from the chaff.
But please consider your health first and foremost and that of your family too.If it’s meant to work it doesn’t need rushing during present times

[rvby]

I don't agree, lots of men KNOW before sex that they don't want a relationship with you but will still tell you they do to get their end away, some men don't want a relationship at all with anyone but know most women will run if they say they only want sex , so again pretending they want more, so it isn't always down to the person or the sex, very naive to think it is.

You literally have no way of knowing this though...

Women tell themselves very complicated stories about men, when usually it's just, the man takes a test drive and decides if he wants to shag again. If he does, he does - whether it leads to a relationship or not isn't really important. The relationship forms over time, naturally. Or it doesn't, if the sex (or something else) isnt quite right.

This guy, for whatever reason, didn't want to keep seeing op. No need to demonize him as a "user".

I shagged men I was interested in when I was dating, the sex wasn't right so i ended it... equally I shagged men when i wasn't keen on a relationship, and ended up sticking around and it becoming long term. None of that makes me a user...

You're not meant to decide ahead of time that you're going to be long term with someone. That's how abusive relationships start, where you decide you're going to keep going no matter what... you're supposed to assess as you go and end it when you want to... that's what this guy did and it's not a sin...

[equuscaballus]

Well to go slightly against the grain here.

This is exactly something my brother might say. He has never had a long term relationship due to the fact he is looking for the "fireworks" of an instant connection (think of the thunderbolt moment in Three weddings and a funeral)

Some people have skewed expectations and wonder why they're such a great guy who has such bad luck with women!

In other words this is his issue and you've better off finding someone more balanced.

[NancyPickford]

I think you need to stop overthinking it. He's told you what he wants - no long-term serious relationship, but wants to keep 'seeing' you. It's up to you, either you enjoy a friends with benefits scenario, or you chalk this up to experience and move on.

[Onemansoapopera]

What rvby said 👌shagging is a test drive for both, doesn't mean you want to buy . If you don't consider it that way, don't do it and that way you won't get hurt. Quite simple really

[PumpkinP]

I'm sure that does happen sometimes but I reckon that's the minority of men, it's funny how these men don't mind still sleeping with the woman so the sex couldn't have put them off that much

[rvby]

Yeah, the man/woman in question may keep shagging someone who is a good enough shag but not a good match in other ways, perhaps until a better overall match comes along. Again, not brain surgery and not an insult to anyone.

Unless one believes that sex is a currency, and if you've "paid" someone sex that they then "owe" you a relationship.

[Onemansoapopera]

And it really doesn't matter when you do it. It will either become a relationship or it won't. Have sex first night if you want (I did with DH, yes these men aren't unicorns) but it's not a trade off.

[popcornlover]

”when he is the one who like I said texts me all the time, phones me”

They’re full of sweetness when they want to boost their ego/have you fall for them/get sex.

Least he has been honest with you now.

Maybe he’s blind and can’t see what a good thing you have, but that’s men for ya.

Has he come back with any further thoughts on the dating situation between you both?

[Persiaclementine]

Hes been honest in that he doesnt think your for him, yes that was after he stayed the night with you but at least hes told you and not ghosted you. Take what he said as it was said. Dont think into it. You cant win him back, and doing so would appear desperate. Weve all been there, you will regret trying to make him change his mind. You will meet someone better than him. Block and move on.

[SoulofanAggron]

People are dying here- you are putting people's lives at risk for the sake of a shag.

Now is also the ideal time to get to know someone as a person, socially distanced walks etc, see if they are decent before you get off with them/get further involved.

And yes, I think men disrespect women who offer it to them on a plate unfortunately (I don't mean that as a criticism, just from my own considerable unpleasant experiences when I was younger.)

[SoulofanAggron]

It's not even a matter of your own health and that of your family. If people do stuff like this Corona will spread more throughout the population, some of whom it will kill. Have a social conscience.

[Aisforharlot]

Block him. Unless you're happy being friends with benefits. Do not dangle after him.

[tara66]

Perhaps he has always really only wanted a very wealthy woman or one that can play the violin but got side tracked by you - who knows?

[SoulofanAggron]

You literally have no way of knowing this though

@rvby That's why it's better to get to know someone better before shagging them, and not doing quickly. Some of the ones just after sex will get bored and bugger off. And it's not fail safe, but you can get more of an idea of someone's character.

And it really doesn't matter when you do it

@Onemansoapopera I think it does, it puts you in the 'shag' category rather than the 'girlfriend material' category for some men. That might mean they were wankers anyway, but in that case they deserve us sexually even less. It might've worked out with your DH but there are plenty who just zip themselves up and inwardly go 'ta very much' 'that was a bonus.'

[rvby]

Shag early, get the misogynists out of the way.

I've had three long term relationships, one of which was a marriage... all of them included shagging as quickly as possible. Two of them were/are lovely men and relationships, one wasn't great.

Why would I put off shagging just to catch myself a man who likes women who arent too sexual/forward... sounds awful

[Onemansoapopera]

I mean I agree to disagree soul because there never been my experience. All my first date shags (there have been four) led to relationships of a few years, to whit I've never had a one night stand because it always turned into more. Maybe I'm just extraordinary in bed or just lucky who knows. But the fact is that if a bloke has categories in the first place, he's not the one you want. You want someone open minded and unjudgemental oh and unhypocritical surely?

[Este67]

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It's awfully confusing & unsettling to experience this kind of behaviour when you're not expecting it. From what you've said it sounds like he's not the nice guy he pretended to be & is now stringing you along. There is honestly no way you could have known; I waited the best part of 8 weeks to sleep with a guy and he did the same thing. If a guy is an arsehole, he'll be an arsehole after 2 dates or 200. The best thing you can do is block him & spend some time licking your wounds before getting back in the game. Best of luck to you x

[Astonsmum1]

@popcornlover yes he has kept messaging me asking what my best friend said about it all, said his best friend told.him he was a fkn idiot and should have given it a chance. I said my friend thinks you've played me which he is denying of course.

[Chungus]

I'd stop replying. You're just stoking his fire for him. Asking what your friend thinks and hearing that she thinks he's used you is probably giving him even more of a 'I've used and losed her boner'.

[yellowfishestoyou]

I agree stop replying and block the user.

[NearlyGranny]

He will probably have several other prospects lined up. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Basically, he's a kid in a sweet shop, isn't he? He hasn't shown you much about him that's promising lately, has he? If he gets back in touch, let him see your disappointment in a clear but kind way; he needs to know you now have your doubts about whether he is any kind of 'one' at all, let alone 'the' one.

Tell him you've resumed your search and may well be too busy seeing others to see him if he decides to call. A pity, but there it is. Perhaps he was a bit too quick to make up his mind, but that's his problem, not yours!

If he was hoping to demote you to fallback position when nothing better offered and manage your expectations down to this status, you really need to cut him out of your life.