Like wtf! Totally confused and dont get it!

[Astonsmum1]

Hey guys, so I've started the world of online dating about 4 weeks ago, was talking to this guy for the past 4 weeks, we met up last week for the first time, great first date, then had our 2nd lastnight, also a great date. He stayed at mine, w laughing all the time, conversation never gets boring, he always texts me first and phones me, sometimes a few times a day, I made a point of thinking nope I'm not being full on and doing the chasing cause it never gets me anywhere. He says I'm great that he loves my company, then when he goes home today after being at mine and after giving me a huge kiss and cuddle before leaving and saying I'll see you friday, he tells me he doesnt think we have a future even though he really likes me etc, it just doesnt feel right. Like wtf??!!! So I spoke to him and was like I'm just taking things a day at a time, how can you tell after 2 dates and especially if you're saying that you actually like me and like spending time with me, he was just like I dont think you're the one for me. So I was like listen ok not begging you, I'm the kind of person that takes risks and chances and I believed that the way things were going was positive. I just dont get how after 2 great dates he can think that way?? See if we didnt get on and there were awkward silences ok I could get it, but I just dont get this and I'm confused as hell. He said hes going to text me later after hes thought about things. He said he still wants to see me etc he just doesnt think I'm the one. Does this make any sense to anyone cause I have gone from a total high to a total low now and questioning everything and my behaviour, when he is the one who like I said texts me all the time, phones me, told his family about me, told his friends about me, so what the hell.have I done? Please be kind I'm fragile . Xx

[Astonsmum1]

@hellsbellsmelons thankyou, and mubfruend is awesome, shes my rock xx

[hellsbellsmelons]

Life in general is a learning curve OP.
That's how we learn.
That's how we grow.
We make mistakes and we learn from them.
It would be dull otherwise.
You absolutely will get there.
Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
Lean on your friends. She sounds awesome!

[Smallsteps88]

I wouldnt beg another man ever again in my life

I think you need to recognise that what you were doing with this man was begging. It may not look like the begging you did previously but it was begging. When he told you you weren’t the one you might as well have whined “but whyyyyyyyy” because that’s what your back and forth messaging to him was.

I think it’s something you should work on before dating or you’ll find yourself in this same situation again and again.

[Astonsmum1]

Thankyou everyone for your comments, yeah I know I need to develop thick skin, I was genuinely coming on here just looking for kind advice, I'm not a child, I am a sensible woman, not all of you have to agree with that but we are all entitled to our own opinion. I did tell him I hope you find what you're looking for and left it at that. I wouldnt beg another man ever again in my life, it almost ruined me. I was genuinely confused by his behaviour. This will be a learning curve, and thankyou to those who gave me kind constructive advice. xx

[icelollycraving]

I did a lot of online dating before meeting DH (online).
You need a thick skin, I saw it like an interview. An interview to be in my life Some men will tell you they love you, they feel a connection etc. My advice is to meet someone quickly, very easy to build up false intimacy online with a total stranger. If you enjoyed the sex, fab. If you feel upset because you had sex, then no, wait a bit.
This particular man is basically as a PP saying, keeping you on the back burner for a bit of "I can't stop thinking about you" sex.
Block. It did sound like begging tbh. Don't worry, learn from it. Good luck

[hellsbellsmelons]

Has she had some counselling after leaving her abusive relationships?
If not then this should be a priority.
Womens Aid run a course 'The Freedom Programme', I would suggest she do that.
Womens Aid can also give her a list of counsellors in her area that specialise in abuse.

If she is still fragile, she is not ready to date.
Certainly not OLD.
It's brutal and you need a very very thick skin.
Get her to do some work on herself.
Then when she is properly ready, she get out there and have some fun.
I am certainly not judging her on sleeping with him on the 2nd date. I doubt many on here would.
2 consenting adults - completely up to them.
I hope she get some help and can move on with her life.
Send her hugs from MN and know it can be harsh on here.
She needs to take on board the positives and do her best to ignore the negatives.

[Aaaandanothernamechange]

This is the OPs best friend here. She has not returned to the thread due to some pretty harsh comments when she asked in the OP to be kind as she is fragile.

After leaving an abusive relationship this was her finally ready to start chatting to people. First date was meant to be a socially distanced walk but by the time she arrived it was heavy rain so they went indoors which meant they had already been in close contact despite it not being the plan - she is aware of the importance of keeping safe and has not until this, and will not in future, be meeting anyone in a way that will conflict with government guidelines. @litterbird I am sorry for your losses.

As I've mentioned she worked very hard to leave an abusive relationship then this man (and yes I know it was only 4 weeks) swept her off her feet and acted the polar opposite of the nasty ex. He was keen, attentive, complimentary and gave her the ego boost she needed so this has been a huge slap in the face to now find out that he was not who he seemed - at all.

To feel used and as if you have been made a fool of is a horrible experience for anyone, particularly if you have been treated badly in the past, but is also a learning experience so I thank all of you who have been kind and I have passed on the supportive messages.

[gutentag1]

You need to ghost him. Now.

It will give you some dignity back and make him want you more.

I promise you that if you just stop replying, he will reappear in a few weeks and ask to see you again. But by then you'll hopefully be over him and just tell him to fuck off.

[LunaHardy]

If someone tells you they're not interested or can't see a future - believe them. Don't waste your time trying to convince them otherwise. Sorry this happened to you, time to block and move on I think.

[Crystalspider]

Whatever his motive was, 2 dates is quick to start sleeping with someone, you both can't possibly know each enough to say it could be anything more, waiting longer next time will help cut out the ones just blatantly looking for a shag, unfortunately even after a couple of months they may still decide it's not a long term thing or you might, when that happens you cut your ties and don't let them carry on using you.

[Spritesobright]

Sorry you've been through this OP. But I really bemoan the whole, " he used you, you've been played" discourse.
Women should have sex if/because they want to, not so they can be bumped into the "girlfriend category." As someone said upthread this language commodifies sex.
It's unfortunate he was so enthusiastic at the beginning then switched but he's entitled to change his mind, just like you are.

[wendywoopywoo222]

Having lots of experience of internet dating please just block him and don't allow him to contact you in weeks/months time when he has a free evening and fancies a shag and you pop to the top of his list again.
There could be 101 reasons he doesn't think it will work, best to just agree, wish them luck and get on with your life when men say this to you.
He is telling you who he is so please keep your dignity and move on. You dont need to understand his reasons. Just block.

[Grobagsforever]

@litterbird

Sorry for your loss. But that doesn't mean it's ok to shame the OP. She did nothing wrong.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Write him off. Hopefully you enjoyed your couple of dates and chatting to him and you may have had a learning experience from the whole thing so not a complete waste of time. I like to learn from things rather than regret them.

When I was new into OLD I was contacted by a man. Didn't find him particularly attractive so ignored his message...he sent another and another (not stalkerish or creepy, actually quite funny) so I eventually replied and agreed to go on a date with him. Had a lovely first date and felt a bit of chemistry. We went on a second date which was also good and he gave me a lift home and one thing led to another, all great, said lots of lovely things to me, etc.

He then ghosted me. I was new int OLD and not that long out of a marriage so took it quite personally but I lowered my expectations after that about what to expect from men I went on dates with.

I met a few more nice men but no long term relationship prospects until I met my bf 11 months ago. We were both very clear about what we wanted and there was no game playing.

You do need quite a tough skin for OLD as it's very easy for men (and women) to swipe onto the next profile for any or no reason.

[dontdisturbmenow]

It could something that is very insignificant to you but important to him.

Someone posted a few days ago about not dating someone because of the shoes he was wearing and that was enough to decide he wasn't worth seeing. Someone mentioned that she couldn't be with someone who didn't wash their hands after going to the toilet.

Sadly there might be something that came to light which for him was radical turn off but he won't tell you because it would be hurtful and make him come across as a fool.

Ultimately, if you did or didn't do something on that night that was a clear no no for him, it would have happened anyway. Easier now than later if you'd got really attached.

[anotherdisaster]

OP i think you need to have more respect for yourself. This man has literally told you that you're not 'the one' after sleeping with you and yet you are allowing him to continue keeping you dangling. You either like someone, or you don't!!
Also, if he genuinely just wasn't sure yet, he wouldn't have said anything at all and just kept seeing you until he was sure. The fact he has told you yet is still hanging about, tells me he is playing mind games. Not great after 2 dates is it!
Text him and tell him you;ve decided he's not the one, then block.

[hellsbellsmelons]

he has kept messaging me asking what my best friend said about it all
'My best friend thinks you're a fucking cunt. But I didn't need her to tell me that. It's bloody obvious to me too! Now off you fuck. I'm not wasting any more of my precious time on you.'
Then block!

[litterbird]

@Grobagsforever I have had 2 people I know die of Covid. I am neither smug nor married.

[Joker123]

@Grobagsforever 👏🏻

[Joker123]

“What does your best mate think? This is what my best mate thinks”

Sounds like a game OP.

Don’t allow yourself to be tortured by this fool. It’s already off on the wrong foot, if he decides he’s going to give it a chance, you’re never going to feel comfortable.

I would walk away if I were you.

[gotothecooler]

he has kept messaging me asking what my best friend said about it all, said his best friend told.him he was a fkn idiot and should have given it a chance. I said my friend thinks you've played me which he is denying of course.

Why did you even reply to that?

Surely 'what does your mate think' is reserved for giggly school children

[Grobagsforever]

@litterbird - stop shaming the OP are you also so misogynistic? At no point did she suggest it was unprotected sex, she doesn't need an STI test. As for COVID - with community infections at less than one in 2000 she also doesn't have rational, scientific grounds for a getting a test or isolation.

Now pop back to your presumably smug married world and stop being so unpleasant

[FloEve48]

He’s an arsehole!
I too have been in a similar situation and it really hurt me. To the point I questioned everything about myself. Why wasn’t I good enough for him? Etc.
They are really good saying the right things aren’t they?
The thing that confuses me is how they keep you sweet. It messes with your head! If they are not interest then fine fuck off then! Wankers! (I’m still angry about it! )

[LHMBF]

He's taking the piss, block him

[litterbird]

He got what he wanted. He shagged you, didn't get the feels, so decided not to pursue anymore. Anyone has a right to do that. Now, I suggest you go straight to get a Covid test done and an STI. I would isolate from all of your friends and family until the Covid test comes back. Treat this as a big learning curve.