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Original poster

Husband controlling phone use

73 replies

Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 08:32

I’m really struggling with my husband’s behaviour around my phone/me using my phone. I know phones can big a bug bear in relationships and I probably do spend too much time on it (though never when we are doing something together) but even so I don’t feel like his behaviour is normal....

If I ever go on my phones to reply to a text (quite often work-related) he will make comments such as ‘oh that looks like a serious one’, ‘oh that’s a funny one, want to share the joke’ or most recently, ‘talking to your fans again?’....

It’s starting to drive me insane.

He also makes it clear that he thinks I spend too long replying to messages eg last night I had to reply to a message about work which needed quite a lengthy reply and he acted like he was in a mood with me for taking so long (a couple of mins!) and I felt under pressure to finish as quickly as possible....

If I also ever get my phone out in front of him, he will act weird and cover his face so he can’t see my phone even though I have nothing to hide....

What is going on? Why is he behaving like this? Does anyone else’s partner behave like this or am i right in thinking it’s pretty odd?

OP posts:
Subeccoo · 08/07/2020 08:42

My husband took an hour to send an email last night. It was a very serious one, but my mind boggles at how anything can take that long. He does the same serious faces to texts things as well, I bite my lip sometimes but I sort of feel your dhs pain.
I never do the hiding eyes thing, just the odd eye roll at the sheer amount of time he takes.

sadonfriday · 08/07/2020 08:43

I would start looking at his phone... I smell a rat

Squeakyjoint · 08/07/2020 08:45

The question should be are YOU in control of your phone use. I’m in a similar situation, partner uses phone a lot. Try see it from both sides. Agreed, the reaction is odd, try having times you se it and down time. It’ll be better for you at the very least.

userabcname · 08/07/2020 08:45

God are you dating my grandad? Those are exactly the kind of comments he makes! I'd say he either dislikes phones generally (does he go on his much?) or it's projection as pp have said.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 08/07/2020 08:47

I hate the amount of time DH spends playing a particular game on his phone and chatting to the people he plays with so at times when he gets his phone out I do make faces and comments. He doesn't think his use is excessive and thinks I am wrong to be annoyed that he is on it so much. I can see where your husband might be coming from.

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 08/07/2020 08:49

It does sound odd. Has he always been like this, or is it a new thing?

Fairenuff · 08/07/2020 08:49

He's suspicious of who you might be messaging. He's judging you by his own standards as people often do.

Fatted · 08/07/2020 08:49

It's hard to tell from just one side OP. By your own admission you spend too much time on it. You're also responding to work queries in the evening. Do you need to be answering work calls/emails/texts in the evening. Especially ones that need a long response?

It sounds like he's being passive aggressive about being annoyed about you being constantly on your phone.

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 08:50

I’m not playing games though... I’m spending a few mins replying to important work messages and he is making me feel like I can’t reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 08:55

@Fatted I’m self employed and the message was something Urgent about the following day.. but to be honest when I reply isn’t the issue, if I’d waited until this morning, he still wouldn’t have liked it and acted the same. Also a long response = 2 mins instead of 10 seconds. I wasn’t writing some huge email

@Dragonsanddinosaurs yes always been weird about phone use... he doesn’t use his phone much himself and so seems to resent me being on it. People often complain that he never replies etc and he frequently misses important calls...

Situation isprobably worse right now because he’s been furloughed for months and just been made redundant so has nothing to do

OP posts:
midnightstar66 · 08/07/2020 08:55

Some of these comments aren't really equivalent. An hour for an email (although if it's long as crucial/needs some input from other sources then that's still not terrible) isn't the same as a few minutes for an important work response. I think a little alarm would be having a distant little ring that he might, as a pp says, be judging by his standards. Something to bare in mind rather than automatically assume though I think. The hiding the face is very odd and I'd have to say something about that.

Perch · 08/07/2020 08:55

He is being ridiculous and controlling.

My phone has pretty much replaced my laptop. I use it for shopping, it has replaced reading paper magazines (Readly app is amazing!), the newspaper, banking, my Nikon camera, my purse (apple pay), the satnav, my paper diary, contact with school and the whatsapp groups that keep me informed and up to date, i could go on and on. My phone is always on on around me, in fact, i hardly use it as a phone! He should grow up and get with the times.

getsomehelp · 08/07/2020 08:56

He doesn't trust you & is jealous, you need to call him out immediately.
he is trying to control who you speak to.

HouchinBawbags · 08/07/2020 08:58

Question for those who dislike others on their phone. Is the other party ignoring you in favour of the phone or is it a case of both sitting watching telly and one is playing Candy Crush/Facebooking?

A family member gets huffy when people use their phone around them but they have no reason to. I'm sorry but I'm not going to sit and stare at my companion while they're glued to Coronation Street or reading the paper etc.
I adore my husband and we spend every spare minute together (yes we're that couple who go to supermarkets or the shops as a pair) but we'd go insane if we had to give eat other constant attention.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2020 08:59

God I'm on my phone all the time! It's where I read news, watch t.v., go on MN, do puzzles, listen to audio books. I check my work emails. I chat with my team on WhatsApp.

Id be so fucked off if dh got on at me like that every time he saw me on it.

OP if he is that bothered he should sit and have a proper conversation with you at a suitable time, not make childish snippy comments during you being on it.

backseatcookers · 08/07/2020 09:03

OP if he is that bothered he should sit and have a proper conversation with you at a suitable time, not make childish snippy comments during you being on it.

This. He sounds so pass agg.

dudsville · 08/07/2020 09:06

He sounds controlling. My ex had a desperate need to know my every thought. If i was gazing out of a window sipping coffee he'd worry and ask to know what i was thinking. If i brushed it off, say i was literally just noticing the colour of the leaves on a tree, he'd panic. Everything had to be verbalised to him to quell his worry. It was controlling.

HotSauceCommittee · 08/07/2020 09:07

That would annoy me. Do you have to be in the same room as him all the time?
You really need some space from each other, daily in lockdown.

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 09:08

Thanks for your replies. Yes I feel like he is controlling and just doesn’t like me being on it full stop. For background, every evening, we play board games for 2+hrs, watch something together and go for a walk... and I’m never on my phone during this time. If I briefly check my phone before bed, he will say ‘oh are you not coming to bed then?’ ...

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz @backseatcookers yes sometimes part of the reason I go on my phone to browse is because he never talks to me... at least not about anything meaningful

OP posts:
Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 09:09

@HotSauceCommittee yes it annoys me too. No, we live in a largish house so need to be in same room but we usually are... even when I’m working

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 08/07/2020 09:13

You could maybe walk away into a different room then? Why stay and put up with it?
Haven't you had a conversation with him and told him to stop?

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 09:18

@HotSauceCommittee yes have frequently told him I’m sick of his snidy comments, he maybe stops for a day and then comes up with some new snidy comment to say on repeat. Yep I’ll try walking away into another room but then it’s just going to create an argument/tension later

OP posts:
Tappering · 08/07/2020 09:28

So tell him that you are tired of his passive aggressive comments. And that despite asking him before not to do it, he seems incapable of not making them, so he needs to have a careful think about whether this is the hill he wants to die on. I couldn't like with someone like that - it sounds claustrophobic and smothering.

pictish · 08/07/2020 09:28

It doesn’t sound as though you’re using your phone an excessive amount, it sounds more like he resents any attention you pay to anyone other than him...which obviously isn’t good. Why do you think he does it?

pictish · 08/07/2020 09:30

“Yep I’ll try walking away into another room but then it’s just going to create an argument/tension later”

So he’ll punish you for trying to diffuse an argument by leaving the room?

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