Husband controlling phone use

[Babygirl2020]

I’m really struggling with my husband’s behaviour around my phone/me using my phone. I know phones can big a bug bear in relationships and I probably do spend too much time on it (though never when we are doing something together) but even so I don’t feel like his behaviour is normal....

If I ever go on my phones to reply to a text (quite often work-related) he will make comments such as ‘oh that looks like a serious one’, ‘oh that’s a funny one, want to share the joke’ or most recently, ‘talking to your fans again?’....

It’s starting to drive me insane.

He also makes it clear that he thinks I spend too long replying to messages eg last night I had to reply to a message about work which needed quite a lengthy reply and he acted like he was in a mood with me for taking so long (a couple of mins!) and I felt under pressure to finish as quickly as possible....

If I also ever get my phone out in front of him, he will act weird and cover his face so he can’t see my phone even though I have nothing to hide....

What is going on? Why is he behaving like this? Does anyone else’s partner behave like this or am i right in thinking it’s pretty odd?

This would drive me crazy

I presume the money from your business benefits him. You need to remind him of this.

You need to pull him up on it everytime

'The money from my business benefits you, this is what I do so stop controlling my phone usage'

'I've said before I don't like you making snide comments'

'This is my business, stop complaining'

'They are my friends and I won't stop talking to them because you don't like my phone usage'

And so on.

[quote Babygirl2020]@pictish because he thinks I’m too close to them... they’re older family friends who are like parents...[/quote]
OP, If you haven't already, perhaps you could confide in these and other close friends you have IRL as you may need them sooner rather than later. In any case, it's good to have people watching your back for you.

@BurtsBeesKnees yes it does, I have tries to say those sorts of things to him and he’ll just go off in a huff and act like I’m the one at fault then stop for a few days before restarting with different comments.

@Happynow001 yes I have so they know about his behaviour

Your updates are really worrying. Pregnancy is a common time for controlling men to start trying to drive a wedge between you and friends and family

The more you post about him, the more controlling and unpleasant he sounds. I would have a very serious think about whether this is a relationship you want to stay in. Once the baby is born I suspect he will try and isolate you even further - using the baby as a stick to beat you with (why are you on your phone ignoring our child? Why don't you want to spend time at home with us instead of seeing your friends? Etc).

I think if you look at it from your husbands perspective, he may be feeling rejected, alone, unwanted and his funny remarks are his way of saying "please give me some attention".

There are a few things I would do, firstly is give your husband some well needed reassurance and then tell him he needs to find ways to find happiness within himself (currently he's relying on you for his attention).

Then i would look at if you want to reduce your phone usage, personally I think sitting on your phone is quite rude in the evening and many of us can get into bad habits, where we no longer communicate with each other, we just sit on our phones. I run a business and you can put your phone aside for the evening.

OP he sounds more controlling than just the phone.

Why not start having an evening bath before dinner as part of your daily routine. Make it obvious it’s your alone relax time. Do bubbles and put relaxing music on. Lock the door for 30 minutes. During that time, lay in the bath and answer all of your messages. Problem solved

Is his control escalating or have you realised it's control and wondering whether to get out or stay,pregnancy making this more difficult.
Is suspect that him being at home all the time is making you face up to what you knew was going on but able to tolerate when he worked.
Gather your friends close,you will need them.

Overlooker, are you on glue? Locking yourself away to get privacy to do your work is a very slippery slope, and would solve nothing.

claire read the thread will you?
You either haven’t bothered to, in which case do...or you’re projecting a fantasy you have concocted in your head whereby OP spends every evening on her phone, ignoring her husband, despite being explicit;y informed of the contrary.

As for ‘go for a bath’ - that’s a stocking plaster solution. Hide and reply to people in secret, keep him sweet.
Hmmm...nah.

Why not start having an evening bath before dinner as part of your daily routine. Make it obvious it’s your alone relax time. Do bubbles and put relaxing music on. Lock the door for 30 minutes. During that time, lay in the bath and answer all of your messages. Problem solved

I think a general 'Fuck off' and walk away would be a good thing to start!
Stop pandering to it.
Two words and walk away to finish what you want on your phone.
I would say just LTB, but you are pregnant.
So HE needs to address his controlling ways and jealousy issues, or this is never going to work.
He is not working.
Tell him to do some work on finding out about controlling and abusive behaviour because you'll be gone if he doesn't sort himself out!

Hi op I would never act like your husband if my partner had to use his phone esspecially for work . Even if he had an hour on it I would be fine but when it interrupts our night constantly that's when I get annoyed . I just got really fed up and depressed by the fact that he was on it 24/7 he would be on it in bed , take it in the bathroom with him . I would see it everywhere he went . Have you asked him why he keeps doing it ?

A reminder of the OPs update re phone use, he gets plenty of attention from the OP:

For background, every evening, we play board games for 2+hrs, watch something together and go for a walk... and I’m never on my phone during this time.

And more red flags that he doesn't like you talking to family and friends and you're pregnant - a time when you need extra support from loved ones. If he's this resentful over reasonable phone use I shudder to think what he's going to be like when your baby arrives. Forewarned is forearmed.

I thought you would both be near retirement age!

@Twisique why?
@hellsbellsmelons I probably should but I have told him to stop in slightly politer words but doesn’t seem to work.

Also to the posters who suggested answering my messages in bath that doesn’t solve anything and if I did that he’d hate that too

OP, you know this isn't a healthy relationship don't you?

And that it's likely he'll get more clingy, possessive and unreasonable throughout the pregnancy and when baby arrives?

I feel awful saying that but it's important you acknowledge it and start to think about your options.

People who love you want you to be happy. They want you to see friends, have fun and come back laughing and glowing. They want you to maintain relationships with long established family friends who adore you. They want you to be successful in business and are proud of your accomplishments.

This isn't love, it's control.

@Babygirl2020 you need to have a careful think about whether this relationship is working for you.

It sounds extremely unhealthy, he sounds very controlling and bringing a child into that kind of dynamic is a very bad idea.

Jesus! If you were eating together, sat watching a movie together, taking a walk etc or doing something specific that you've both set time aside to spend time together and you were constantly staring at your phone - fair enough, that would piss me off too!

But from what you've said, he just doesn't like you using your phone full stop. He sounds controlling and needy. Either that, or when he's on his phone he's doing something he wouldn't like you to be doing and treating you accordingly. Either way he's an ass.

I'd sit and have a chat with him aboit it and explain how it's making you feel and that its behaviour you aren't willing to put up with.

The fact is, you should neither need to change your behaviour to appease him OR tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. Because he shouldnt be behaving that way full stop. Don't get caught in the merry go round of bullshit he has created, deliberately.

Theres something disordered about him. Further backed up by his throwing huffs like a child when called up on it.

It is controlling.

And I wouldn't be surprised if it was projection too (because he is up to something on his phone, so suspects you are too).

But the point is, it just isn't on op.

I mean really I wouldn't stay with someone pulling this shit. Especially considering you've already told him once that it isn't ok yet he has continued doing it.

You gave him a chance to stop being a dick. He didnt take it. Do you want to spend your life with this knob, really?

And how will he be when you have a baby to care for and he doesn't have your full attention then?

@Twisique

I thought you would both be near retirement age!

I am not sure, I think its the way you describe sitting together and the way he is with you, its how I imagine an older man would be if he had nothing outside work then retired, and his attitude to technology.