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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband controlling phone use

73 replies

Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 08:32

I’m really struggling with my husband’s behaviour around my phone/me using my phone. I know phones can big a bug bear in relationships and I probably do spend too much time on it (though never when we are doing something together) but even so I don’t feel like his behaviour is normal....

If I ever go on my phones to reply to a text (quite often work-related) he will make comments such as ‘oh that looks like a serious one’, ‘oh that’s a funny one, want to share the joke’ or most recently, ‘talking to your fans again?’....

It’s starting to drive me insane.

He also makes it clear that he thinks I spend too long replying to messages eg last night I had to reply to a message about work which needed quite a lengthy reply and he acted like he was in a mood with me for taking so long (a couple of mins!) and I felt under pressure to finish as quickly as possible....

If I also ever get my phone out in front of him, he will act weird and cover his face so he can’t see my phone even though I have nothing to hide....

What is going on? Why is he behaving like this? Does anyone else’s partner behave like this or am i right in thinking it’s pretty odd?

OP posts:
mellowgreenspring · 08/07/2020 09:47

What does he do if you reply to emails on a laptop?

I have a similar issue run my own business and found most of my work, banking apps, Skype staff emails, xero accounts are all on my phone. So I was permanently dipping in and out of my phone.

I had to actually switch to using desktop versions of everything and now I have laptop time try to avoid evenings but I understand being self employed, and keep the phone for personal WhatsApp, and social.

Maybe worth splitting work and social, just by devices.

As for your DH my suggestions are for your sanity! On you can see these faces and call him out on how silly he appears 😂

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 08/07/2020 09:49

People often complain that he never replies etc and he frequently misses important calls...

Work calls? And now he's been made redundant? I hope he hasn't done this deliberately and tbh if he carries on being an arse to you about your phone use I'd be reminding him that you need to work on ypu phone to keep a roof over your heads. I'm sure looking for employment right now is pretty fruitless, is he actually looking?

MMmomDD · 08/07/2020 10:07

He is feeling jealous/insecure and taking it out on you.
Given that you are the one with a job - I’d tell him they you are tired of his behaviour and it’s affecting your ability to work.
And I’d be instituting ‘working hours’ - and dedicating one of the rooms as my office.
He needs to find other ways to occupy himself.

TwentyViginti · 08/07/2020 10:13

He's an insecure little twat.

AfterSchoolWorry · 08/07/2020 10:16

He's pathetic. Neediness on that scale isn't normal.

cansu · 08/07/2020 10:18

He doesn't want you to communicate with others just with him. How is he about you going out to meet your friends?

Marmaladegin · 08/07/2020 10:25

My husband used to be like this to a much lesser degree. It took me a while to realize it was pure insecurity and jealousy that he didn't have many friends. As a result I was a bit more tactful about letting him see me on my phone but also told him to get a grip gently. He's also now much more secure in our relationship and it's not an issue any more.

Squeakyjoint · 08/07/2020 10:27

Would you say that the other way round? There are plenty of post about DH/DP on phones for extended periods of time. The replies are different. OP, I don’t think there is anything too strange about this. Balance your time? You, work and partner. In that order if you like?

BorsetshireBlueBalls · 08/07/2020 10:29

Isn't there a function on smartphones that monitors usage time each week? You could produce yours - tah-na! - and point out how many minutes/hours in a week of 168 hours you are using your phone and that at least x% of these minutes are work-related, and keeping a roof over your heads, y% is household/life admin and the rest keeping up with friends/entertainment, to which you are absolutely entitled.

And then tell him to wind his neck in and stop sniping at you FOR GOOD as you are finding this behaviour deeply unattractive.

Iggi999 · 08/07/2020 10:31

"Talking to your fans again" is setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me Confused That's not pleasant

Sunnydayshereatlast · 08/07/2020 10:32

Ask how he would feel paying 100 % of household expenses.. If you lose your job from lack of important communications he will be stumping up for everything...
Or make an' office 'in your home and camp out in there. He sounds a twat..

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 11:00

@Squeakyjointno i would not because if you see my previous comments he is a bit phone phobic and hardly uses his. I would only get irritated by phone use if it was used in a way to deliberately ignore me.. eg when we having a conversation and he just went on his phone which he doesn’t and neither do I! I find it bizarre that you don’t think his comments are strange tbh...

@cansu he tolerates me seeing my friends but depends who it is, there are a few friends he has tried to cut me off from and acts rude towards them when he sees them. He also gets annoyed if I’m out longer than planned

@lggi999 yep I HATE that phrase... it’s just plain nasty and makes him sound jealous

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 08/07/2020 11:05

He 'tolerates' you seeing your friends, but is rude to those he dislikes. Controlling twat alert!

pictish · 08/07/2020 11:08

“Talking to your fans again?”

That is nasty. It’s designed to wound and true enough it did. He resents you having time for other people so much, he seeks to disgrace you, implying that you’re full of yourself to have normal interactions with them.
How cunty. That must have stung.

pictish · 08/07/2020 11:09

And the more you write the more I think you’ve got a lot of trouble ahead. Really sorry.

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 11:10

@pictish yep it really pissed me off... it’s like he wants me to talk to no one but him

OP posts:
Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 11:10

@pictish most likely. I’m 22 weeks pregnant with our first baby and starting to feel very worried

OP posts:
pictish · 08/07/2020 11:12

Yeah it’s not good. Abusive domineering people often try to isolate their targets. It makes them more susceptible to their control and cuts them off from a valuable source of self esteem and support.

The friends he doesn’t like...why doesn’t he like them? Or rather, what reason does he give for not liking them?

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 11:17

@pictish because he thinks I’m too close to them... they’re older family friends who are like parents...

OP posts:
sadonfriday · 08/07/2020 11:22

The more you say the more I worry here

midnightstar66 · 08/07/2020 11:22

Your updates are worrying OP and pregnancy is a very typical time for these things to start to escalate

pictish · 08/07/2020 11:39

Again, they’re a source of support with your best interests aren’t they? Of course he doesn’t like them.

It is common for control to gather momentum during pregnancy or straight after having a baby because these men know their partner is vulnerable, totally invested in them and unlikely to leave.
That’s not my opinion...you can read about it on many credible sources of information about domestic abuse.
Again I’m sorry. Sorry to say it and sorry this is happening to you.

BorsetshireBlueBalls · 08/07/2020 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hocuspocus22 · 08/07/2020 12:00

Hi op I don't like to admit this but I have become one of these people 😭 I hate phone use in the house . I honestly think phones are taking over everything. I don't know your situation but it got really bad with me and my partner . I remember for two whole days I didn't speak a single word to him because he was on his phone from the time we got in to the time we went to bed . Twitter , what's app you name it . On the 3 rd night he said I have been quiet tonight what's wrong. So I said your constantly on your phone . He got really angry but I think he knew . It's took a while but his phone use has dramatically declined. And it's so nice . I started to hate him because of it .

Original poster
Babygirl2020 · 08/07/2020 12:04

@hocuspocus22 i get what you’re saying but I’m not on my phone all day... yes phones are used excessively these days but there’s a difference between being annoyed with someone who is constantly on their phone to the detriment of a relationship vs someone like my dh who makes rude comments any time I NEED to use my phone and cant bear me having relationships with anyone else

OP posts: