Why do abusive people abuse?

[WhoamI83]

I’ve read about FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, but why do they need this, what are they afraid of? They control you to achieve what....in my marriage both of us were miserable. Me because I was being abused and him because I wasn’t doing what he wanted because I was down trodden and exhausted. I know why I stayed, because of the cycles and the dependence, but why did he. Why didn’t he get someone more suited to him?

@WhoamI83

Manipulate me into what? What did he want, a tougher women who fought back? I’m pretty sure he would have whacked me so I always backed down.

Yes he did want a woman who fought back because this showed him that he had the power to upset you with his drama baits.

@KetoWinnie so he wanted me dealing will all his stress, fixing all his mistakes, all the finances, all his dramas and problems and pains, booking all the holidays whilst he did nothing, all the childcare etc etc because he wanted to feel like he had the power to get someone to do it all for him? When I asked him for help around the house and to take an interest in anything he went straight for the defence then I had to deal with his reaction and not what I was trying to ask for.

So basically he enjoyed me as a nervous wreck and he had the power to do that to me! That’s sick!

He had the power to make me happy and to take it all away if he sees fit. I feel very manipulated.

Sounds like he had an immense sense of entitlement and felt he deserved to be waited on by you. He saw you as lesser than him, or felt that he owned you. Some people can't even understand that other people have wants and desires of their own. He put himself first in everything and now you are continuing to do this too by wondering about him and not putting the energy into YOU.

I expect somebody has already suggested it, but there is an absolutely brilliant book called Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's fantastic, almost life changing.

I think in general abusive people are afraid to lose control because they think if they relenquish control the people they love will leave them. Which is very sad because actually the control drives the person away.

It can also be out of a sense of entitlement or feeling that there is a "natural order" where they are higher and you are lower. Often this is related to sexism as a wider societal pattern, it can also be related to race, income/background, social status/class, intelligence/education. Because you naturally wouldn't see it in the same way you would not act subservient and the abuse is an attempt to "keep you in your place".

I have no idea. I’m white, my husband is black. I have a much higher qualification and I like to think a much larger heart. I don’t know if it’s his upbringing, I do not want to start a race argument but in his country “white” people use “black“ people as maids and lower paid workers...this is what he has told me. He did not have a nice thing to say about who’re people in his country, so I could never understand why he loved me. I get the feeling he enjoyed making me into a maid type person.

*that was meant to say he didn’t have a nice thing to say about white people in his country

My very nearly ExH was abusive because he never felt good enough, I could see it clearly as day and therefore excused a lot. Even now a year after leaving I feel quite sorry for him but ultimately being shoved and sworn at etc etc made me lose respect for him and I believed he wasn’t good enough for me either.

I think it's rare that an abuser is abusive because they know what they're doing and they enjoy causing suffering.

I think most abusers are those who know no different, are insecure, anxious, or possibly have suffered trauma in the past.

I have exhibited abusive, controlling behaviours in the past. I was deep in the grip of a depressive episode at the time. I can tell you my behaviour was driven by fear and desperation, rather than because I enjoyed making someone's life miserable. I now know it was wrong, but at the time I thought I was doing what was right.

Like I say, I think it's comparatively rare that someone is truly an evil bastard. It's a convenient narrative we tell ourselves because it allows us to unequivocally paint them in a bad light, which I don't think is always helpful.

To be clear, I don't think anyone should stay with someone who is abusive towards them. They are not your problem to fix. But in most cases, I think they can be fixed.

My ex was abusive just because he got something out of it. He isn't capable of loving anyone. Not his own children, or his parents. Recently his father died, and all he cared about was moving into the house with his mother who was shielding.

My ex was abusive just because he got something out of it. He isn't capable of loving anyone. Not his own children, or his parents. Recently his father died, and all he cared about was moving into the house with his mother who was shielding.

Yes I do believe I was a tool for something. I don’t believe he knew that he was destroying the relationship and the trust and safety it needed to thrive. I did a bloody good job of trying to make everything perfect for him, to pay him back for putting up with me. I had know idea he was making me into a victim, I thought something was mentally wrong with me.

Thinking about it though. Twice I went to the doctors at different time’s who told me I had depression. When I came home and told him on both occasions he said I hope I haven’t caused you to get that...that seems odd!

That's an odd thing for him to say but it shows that he definitely had awareness of how poorly he was treating you doesn't it?

I think a lot of abusers do know what they are doing. Narcissistic abusers definitely do, they are master manipulators and controllers. They feed of being in control and that includes controlling other people's moods and feelings.

I do not think and I kind of feel it also that I did not love my husband. I feel I managed him. I believed him when he said he loved me and he bought and paid for things but I never felt love. Now I don’t even know what love feels like it’s been so heavily manipulated. What I had was not love.

He had me tying myself up in knots trying to change, trying to re-pay him, trying to be perfect, someone different. I can only be me, it’s the oboe person I know who to be.
I fucking hate cooking and making his lunch for work when no one ever made mine, I also don’t particularly like the kids bath time! There see I’m not perfect and I was never allowed to be those things.