I wonder this a lot. I'm just out of a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. The essence of it is that I loved someone who in the end didn't exist. He told me he treated me the way he did to hurt me, but I think there was more to it then that
I jumped from a toxic home straight into a relationship with him. Growing up i hadn't had the opportunity to see a healthy relationship. My opinion and needs were rarely considered, i learned that safety and peace was to hide, go out or stay quiet. I was blamed for everything.
I have since discovered I'm a submissive character. Someone who will put other peoples needs before my own. Because this is how I've learned to behave. He is a very dominant character, and for a time this worked. I went along with things and rarely pushed my own views, although when I did we argued. However as I gained in confidence due to professional success, things became less easy between us. The equilibrium was disrupted. Same when I feel pregnant and I started to not have the appetite for certain foods or the energy to do certain things. I realise at this point I started to put myself and our unborn baby first, further upsetting the equilibrium.
When our daughter was born everything went to hell. He could be very critical of me, was angry when he came home from work and I asked for his help because I was at my wits end and exhausted. He got angry when I was struggling and overwhelmed. That is when the name calling and degrading of my character began. And I did react sensitively. For one I was suffering from PND and anxiety and for another, all my childhood I'd been told I wasnt good enough, and now he was doing the same.
I started to withdraw further and further from him and I think he realised he was loosing his control and became more and more angry, and his behaviour got worse.
I still don't believe he planned to do what he did, but he also had no means of coping with the situation. He liked to feel in control and didn't know how to get it back when he was loosing it. He liked to be the one in the relationship making the decisions, and resented that i insisted on making decisions now. He like to be the one put first and resented our child became my priority. I honestly think he felt threatened by the confidence and maturity motherhood had given me.
As I say, he would never recognise this, but that is my theory. Unfortunately because he won't see it, he won't ever change. I have been less than perfect and have bought ghosts from my previous life into our relationship, but i'm aware of that and am continuing to seek help from a professional.
I honestly think a lot of these men are emotionally immature. They have learned that the get their way is the normal state of things, so they have no idea how to deal with it when they stop getting their way. They stamp, shout, pull down those closest to feel higher and more in control. They use every tactic in the book to maintain that control. Making their supposed love a target of their abusive behaviours as a means to regain their control. That is why they target family and friends, because they are a source of strength and may shed light on unhealthy relationships, and so are therefore a threat 5o the equilibrium. I believe my husband honestly believe all the hideous things he said about my sisters in particular. But that's because they all saw right through him, so he worked hard to put distance between us.
We were 'happy' as a couple when i kept quiet about my opinions and put his needs first'. When that stopped everything else fell apart too. He couldn't tolerate being questioned. Sorry thats a bit long but I hope it helps a bit. Lots of people have said its not my problem why he did it, but i think I needed some rational in my head to help me let go.