Why do abusive people abuse?

[WhoamI83]

I’ve read about FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, but why do they need this, what are they afraid of? They control you to achieve what....in my marriage both of us were miserable. Me because I was being abused and him because I wasn’t doing what he wanted because I was down trodden and exhausted. I know why I stayed, because of the cycles and the dependence, but why did he. Why didn’t he get someone more suited to him?

It gives them happiness.

My husband didn’t really seem happy. He seemed troubled.

Most abusers are narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic. The psychology behind it is complex but watching videos on narcissistic abuse has really helped me to process the DV I've suffered (in several relationships)

Essentially, hurt people, hurt people. I wish there was an explanation that made more sense but essentially they use abuse to make themselves feel better. They are in survival mode and will do anything to gain power and control over you.

I don't think you'll ever get the answers to your questions OP. It's different for every person. Perhaps the best thing to focus on is what you can learn about yourself from the relationship and take that going forwards. It's not your responsibility to fix him or work him out.

Maybe not happiness but a kind of adrenaline. My xh sounds very much like yours. It's a torture.

I just want a complete story of my situation, not so I can fix him but just to understand. I thought it might help to understand him not as a monster but as a human who has been damaged in the past. Someone once told me he just was dark and sought to destroy everything. This does not feel true to my story, I genuinely believe he loved me and our family but couldn’t handle his own demons. There Is something about himself that is very damaged. He needed constant admiration, constantly needed to know he was loved. He could not tell he was loved but the actions I did.

Eventually you'll get bored of wondering and wonder less. I'm nearly 5 years on and only starting to give him less head space. I met someone recently who has been happily married for nearly 50 years but has an abusive marriage to someone else first. She's still wondering too.

I hope so. It’s difficult because I didn’t leave because I stopped loving him. I left because loving him was killing me and I couldn’t let that happen.

Figuring our why loving a man almost kills you is my problem.

I understand the need to know why, having been through it, but I also think it's more important to focus on ourselves after leaving an abusive relationship, than on the abuser. Spend the time working on yourself - what made you equate being disrespected and being treated badly with love? How can you identify people better in future that don't treat you well? How do you learn to put yourself first and walk away from people that treat you (or your kids) badly? How do you build your self esteem back up so you feel worthy of being treated with love and respect, so you can model a better outcome for your kids?

You'll never truly know why he did what he did because that would involve him accepting that he was abusive, doing the hard work to understand why, and then coming to you and telling you the full truth. The Lundy Bancroft book recommended upthread is about as close as you'll get to understanding the abusive mindset, and why abusers very rarely admit to being abusive, let alone do the work needed to change.

I just don’t think we have the same beliefs of how to show and be loved. I don’t think he realised that his anger scared me and it caused me to close up. He and I both couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much. The more I closed up the worse he was because I was just not the same bubbly person.

It is painful reading everything you have been through and your need to 'figure it out'. I would strongly recommend counselling and also to read and learn about codependency. He sounds highly abusive and he clearly still has his claws in you, can you see that we are never, ever responsible for 'fixing' anyone, alleviating their anger, or being what they 'think' we should be? You describe how you survived this relationship and the cost was clearly high. Could you maintain as much distance as possible from him and let go of the need to understand him. You're not his psychologist and that way only madness lies.

Some people simply have a psychological need to control others. Particularly when they feel insecure or undermined in some way asserting power over someone else makes them feel better about themselves.

I suspect you will never truly understand why your ex is the person he is, because it would require you to understand aspects of his psychological make-up that probably even he doesn't understand.

For me it was my loyalty to my marriage vows. I also thought that he was having a difficult time and I should be there to support him. It happens slowly. You can't see it because they are so sneaky with their put downs.

I've been where you are, OP. My DSis and I kept asking ourselves whether our F abused us because he was damaged by his traumatic past (he grew up in Prague during World War 2) or whether his Parkinson's Disease medication was to blame.

The problem was that he'd had Parkinson's Disease for many years when he died, so we'd spent so long making excuses for his paranoia and 'bees in his bonnet' because of his infirmities.

The scales came off my eyes when I read some of his letters to my DM when helping her with a clear out. I saw that they were reeking with emotional abuse, whereas I'd always thought he'd just been needy because of his health.

I then stopped making excuses for his abuse of us; he remained the same abusive arsehole he'd always been, he just happened to have Parkinson's Disease as well. Obviously, in our case, he's dead so we won't ever get answers as to how he ended up like he did. Nothing can excuse what he did anyway.

My DM has completely repudiated his memory; she's said that she wants to be remembered by her maiden name when she passes away.

He will have known full well that his anger scared you.....

Yeah it's an organised trick. It's not a coincidence.

So once I made a comment about his mum that he considered offensive to him. I can’t remember what I said or whether I was being rude. He went absolutely crazy at me for daring to say something about his mum and I mean CRAZY, I was terrified. I think this was very early on and I was surprised at the level of angry he got. Was this a don’t dare speak out of turn again or else. People in relationships surely say things sometimes that may not seem right but making the other person scared is not the answer.

Yes, you know it wasn't right. Yet people continue to shout at each other, their pets their children, the world and they want to see the fear of submission. Unfortunately we live in a pretty messed up world but the quicker we take off our rose tinted glasses and look at how messed up it is the better we are for ourselves, our kids and everyone around us.

You're right, that isn't how it should be done. I'm not sure we'll ever know entirely why, but I'm not one who really buys the 'hurt people hurt people' line. I feel it's overly simplistic and individualistic. Some of it may be trauma and/or lack of experience of how to deal with relationships and emotions well, but rarely do these things happen in bubbles.

My experience is with parental abuse, and I used to wonder why they did what they did, but then it shifted to why did so many people and systems continued to let it happen. So many people knew including the courts, I've seen some of their records, but the systems and communities incentivise reputation, appearance and certain power dynamics over people's well-being and understanding. There is no incentive to question our own or give concerns about other relationships with how support and idealized certain appearances of working functions today.

If they've no incentive to get better, if they won't get anything better from most of those they know by admitting and working on what they're doing that causes pain, if there are plenty of people and systems that will comfort them that they're at least right enough, what's the point of changing? If someone has charges dropped over and over and get so much love and cover from most of their community, why would they stop? There really isn't in some space a reason for them not to be abusive if the pain they're causing someone isn't enough on its own to stop them.

I guess they just do it because it works. If it didn’t work they wouldn’t do it. He shouted, I submitted and never did it again, job done. Then every time I tried to assert some of my own beliefs again I was reminded what happens.

Why they do it sounds like it could be for a multiple of reasons.

I think the insecure person (abusive) often goes for someone quite secure and doesn't really realise that their behaviour breaks down the relationship and makes the relationship an unsafe place for their partner. I've left two abusive relationships (different types of abuse) and have often wondered about that, but now I don't care too much. Have to do what is right for me and my children.

That makes sense @morefun, I never needed the constant reassurance like he did. I was happy to see where the relationship took us, he needed to trap me in it. I don’t think my husband realised how unsafe I felt 100% didn’t, didn’t care or have any idea of empathy. He did what he did to keep himself in control, on top and he was content. When I said I’m leaving he was absolutely gomsmacked, he didn’t understand why.

I think some of them love insecure people too, none of it makes sense to someone who wouldn't do it. You can't ever understand really. Just focus on you, your family, your life. There are plenty of great people out there who you won't need to "figure out" and buy books to understand their weird behaviour