Anyone else still unhappy after divorce?

[DeadCity]

I drove my divorce. I wasn’t happy after 15 years of marriage. I have DCs 17 and 13 who are with me every other week. The divorce money has gone, my brand new house is starting to get shabby, and my work has dried up. I lost many friends through the divorce. My ‘mum’ friends don’t want to know, and I’ve found it hard to integrate into my new village.

I’m starting to think that I will never be happy. Ex has moved on - his life barely changed, he just has a GC who seems happy to ‘stand in’ for all the things I used to do.

I’ve been seeing someone for 2 years but my DCs refuse to have anything to do with him, so I live with him every other week and we have snatched moments when I have my DCs. Also he works away 2 days a week. So we have 5/14 nights together.

Why am I so pissed off with my life, still? Feels so hopeless 😩

Is anyone else still unhappy after their divorce? It’s been 3 years.

GF not GC!

What on earth happened that made you lose so many friends and for all your mum friends to not want to know you?

I don’t know 😩 I think old friends were mostly couples and ‘sided’ with ex as he still has dinner parties with the new GF. Mum friends... maybe I didn’t have so many to start with... or maybe they have their own families to get on with.

I wonder if living far away has made me socially isolated? Finding it so tough and lonely, especially when I have the DCs here...

Why won't your kids have anything to do with your new partner? Feels a bit drastic and it's not like you jumped straight in with someone new.

I'm 9 years post divorce and remarried a couple of years ago so quite some way down the line. I can honestly say that I've never looked back, even before I met my new husband I was just happy not to be in a toxic marriage any more. Maybe remind yourself why you got divorced in the first place? And is there stuff you can do to spruce the house up?

In relation to your kids just remember they won't be around forever and once they have left home you will have to build a life for yourself. I wouldn't be letting them call the shots around when you can see your partner. Do they do that with their dad as well with his new girlfriend?

OP, this is your chance and your time to complete my remake yourself. You no longer have an appendage but you can have a mysterious past if you want to. Stop trying to live your old life, it did not make you happy but if you look forward you can make an even better life.

I say this, as someone who walked away from friends and loved ones three years ago. Yes, there are bad days but in truth I am happier now than I was; alone sometimes, but lonely, never.

Thank you chocolatesaltyballs22
New DP has an alternative lifestyle (lives on a boat) and my DCs say he’s weird. One of them has become more accepting but doesn’t like him staying over as he snores. The other child says it ruins his life to see either me or his father with our new partners. I don’t know at which stage I should put my foot down. I was hoping by me
Ow that we could do some new things together... trips away, dinners... but no. At least, not with my DCs.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps me to see how my life might look 9 years down the line. How lovely that you remarried.

Yes, I have to keep reminding myself why I divorced him..

And is there stuff you can do to spruce the house up? It’s not that it needs sprucing up as such... more that things are starting to get a bit old...

In relation to your kids just remember they won't be around forever and once they have left home you will have to build a life for yourself. I wouldn't be letting them call the shots around when you can see your partner. Do they do that with their dad as well with his new girlfriend?

To be honest op, it sounds like you might be expecting other people to make you happy.
You need to make yourself happy.

Why do you feel more isolated when the dcs are with you? Is that a typo? Surely you feel more isolated when they aren’t with you.

If your house is getting scruffy, get yourself on-line to B&Q, sort out paint and new colour ideas. Let your imagination flow. Have the satisfaction of doing the work yourself.

Take up a sport you enjoy just for you- not because someone else does it. Obviously lockdown doesn’t help but cycling or running are good for getting to know people in your new village.

You left a sad marriage and now it's time for you to live the best life you can.

Why won't your children speak to your new partner, if it's just because "it's not dad" tough, what did they want you to be unhappy forever?

Make new friends, have dinner parties with your BF and new people.

Get involved in the village and village life.

Shed the old you and make life good.

I've been there and I'm doing it x

OP it does sound like you're giving your kids too much power - they don't like to see you or their dad with someone else? Well I'm afraid that's tough. They have to accept that you're divorced now and you have a life of your own to live. They're not little kids, and it sounds like they're being very selfish. I'm not suggesting you move him in or anything, but you should be able to have your partner over when your kids are there.

You say you weren't happy in your marriage, and that you're still not happy now - do you think maybe the unhappiness was more about you than it was your marriage? Have you thought about therapy or counselling, could you speak to your GP?

You need to make yourself happy.

That ^

You sound like you’re unhappy with most areas of your life at the moment. I think we feel more unhappy when it feels like things are happening to us. If you work out a plan to change some aspects of your life I think you’ll feel better - taking control of things, even though it’s not an instant fix, can have a big impact.

Look at where you’re living (the village), your home and your earning potential. What positive changes could you make?

I wonder if having a 'sad' mum means you feel like a responsibility to them - instead- fake it til you make it. Look like you are enjoying life, loving doing new things, you can take them along wth you to swim/cycle/meditate whatever ( ok they will probably only go once) but if you have a happy home they'll enjoy being there. And they'll be happy for you.

Was your bf the other man? Did you leave your husband for this man? If so, that would explain some of the extremity of the reaction.

The OP has already said that she's been divorced 3 years and seeing the new man for 2, so not the 'other man.' It sounds to me like the kids are just being difficult.

@PicsInRed

Was your bf the other man? Did you leave your husband for this man? If so, that would explain some of the extremity of the reaction.

No. There was no “other man”. I’ve been divorced for 3 years and with my partner for 2. My kids say they don’t like him “because he’s weird”. Most unpleasant.

" he is weird" -is he? not just the living on the boat thing but in general? Do you see yourself with him long term?
If he is not "weird" and no red flags-then they need to grow up. After 3 years and stop being unpleasant.

In my experience the more I'm down and miserable the more I except it and the more down I am.

The more upbeat I am the more invites and friends pop around. Find your people, find your tribe.

Yes, I agree, you're expecting other people and things to make you happy. Decide what it is you love and do that. The difference between a new and a slight shabby house really isn't the reason you're not happy.

Thank you all for vvv helpful suggestions. Yes, I think you’re right. I need to find happiness within myself instead of relying on others. I think it’s a combination of things - dissatisfaction with job, and maybe my move to the village served its purpose but that its time to move on.

I need to find a new job.

My kids... my DP is different to the kinds of people they know. He is happy in his own skin and likes doing his own thing. Maybe it’s time I put my foot down. I think I am happy with him I. The here-and-now. He’s a bit chaotic, so I’m not rushing into anything.

I can’t work out where the unhappiness lies. Probably is in myself, yes. I guess this is a bereavement period, too. It’s like the gloss has gone out of “the new life” I wanted to create for myself. I suppose I should see that as a time to be creative, and to paint a new vision again...

OP, before examining anything else, are you exercising daily, do you meditate/do things for yourself each day? Do you have an artistic pursuit or something to do with your hands, that you enjoy e.g. gardening or crafts? Do you write in a journal? Have you had any therapy? Are you spending time outdoors each day?

You sound out of touch with yourself and those are some ideas to get back in touch and start caring for yourself a bit. Your posts have subtle hints that you are looking outward for contentment. Looking inward for a bit might give you some clarity on what needs to happen next.

Rvby... Thank you for this. It’s fair to say that I’ve lost myself somewhere.

No, I’m not exercising daily. I’m having CBT for anxiety and I should meditate more often. When the divorce was happening, I was seeing a counsellor weekly, but diminishing funds put an end to that.

I’ve really lost myself... I don’t do any artistic pursuits, I’ve forgotten how to do gardening...even cooking. I feel like a shadow of my former self. I used to keep a journal after therapy, and was writing a novel, but I just feel so uninspired now. I was in a poetry group and that folded. The only thing that seems to bring me pleasure is DP’s boat and sailing. The rest of the time, I’m cooped up indoors... apart from the odd walk with my DCs.

Yes, that is right, I think. I’m out of touch with myself, and to try to focus inward for contentment again. I think part of the problem has been my striving to “put the children first”, but I dont know that that is a realistic means of achieving happiness. Yes, you’re right, I need clarity...

I clicked on your thread out of curiosity as I'm trying to work out whether/when/how to leave my husband (I created a thread about it) and ond of the things holding me back is the fear that leaving him won't solve my problem: unhappiness and loneliness in my marriage mostly, but also if I'm honest in other areas of my life.

I was very interested to read the different replies and can relate to a lot of what you have written (albeit I'm still married).

I feel lost too, so will be putting into practice some of these ideas. Thank you for sharing.

For what it's worth, I agree with the others that if your new relationship is important to you, your children need to accept it. Are they old enough for a grown up heart-to-heart about it?

Wishing you all the best on your journey to finding yourself again

Thank you Heirloomcurls I was thinking earlier about what I might have told myself 3 years ago... I remember thinking that maybe leaving him wouldn’t solve my “happiness” problem, although it did solve many others.
I was Sooo happy once I left. I was doing a university course, I got rid of financial problems, I had a group of friends, I’d really got myself into a good place. Not sure how I lost that. Maybe the current partner is weighing me down a bit.

I’ve been reading some of my old posts from when I was considering the divorce. I think I am one of those people who sporadically feels dissatisfaction in life. Maybe it was having a parent die young, maybe a traumatic childhood... my old boss said that I’m the sort of person who is “never happy”. That has stayed with me.

Yes, I wonder if it’s time for my children to accept the partner. They are 17 and 13. I don’t know if that’s old enough. My youngest says I’ve ruined his life by the divorce. He’s too young to get it.

Thank you for your good wishes. Also wishing you well on your journey... I hope you find some answers. Thanks again for your post

Yes, I wonder if it’s time for my children to accept the partner.

Maybe the current partner is weighing me down a bit.

You're so mixed up

Work out what you want but don't put your foot down with the kids, until you know what you want

Really? I don’t think I am mixed up.
I want to be with my partner, and for the DCs to accept him. He does weigh me down, in the way that having a partner weighs anyone down - I have to consider our options together, rather than taking off on my own.

Perhaps your 13 year old takes after you and is never happy - but blames others for this???
Did you have a good example of a happy marriage growing up?
I think I was someone who was 'never happy'. But my DM wasn't happy for some of my teen years due to difficult home life. I'm sorry now I didn't try harder to improve my life, it's difficult with no example to follow. I tried to be a good mother but now feel that being a happy person would have done more for the DCs!