Anyone else still unhappy after divorce?

[DeadCity]

I drove my divorce. I wasn’t happy after 15 years of marriage. I have DCs 17 and 13 who are with me every other week. The divorce money has gone, my brand new house is starting to get shabby, and my work has dried up. I lost many friends through the divorce. My ‘mum’ friends don’t want to know, and I’ve found it hard to integrate into my new village.

I’m starting to think that I will never be happy. Ex has moved on - his life barely changed, he just has a GC who seems happy to ‘stand in’ for all the things I used to do.

I’ve been seeing someone for 2 years but my DCs refuse to have anything to do with him, so I live with him every other week and we have snatched moments when I have my DCs. Also he works away 2 days a week. So we have 5/14 nights together.

Why am I so pissed off with my life, still? Feels so hopeless 😩

Is anyone else still unhappy after their divorce? It’s been 3 years.

I do think you need a new job and purpose to focus on.
You have a new partner who enhances your life, enjoy the times you are not together. Equally you need to enjoy alone time as essentially that is what you originally wanted and make the most of your time with your children.
Once you have children it cannot be all about you, certainly not until they have left home and established yourself. Your youngest is at an important stage in his education and I suspect your 17 year old is as well.
You cannot change their personalities and it does sound perhaps as you are looking to find fault with them as well.
It is never easy to engage teenagers, I spent many evenings as you have described with them in their rooms, but at least they were in my house, their home. That is teenagers for you. Surely you do not need a man to occupy your evenings, even if you watch box sets as I do every night.
I really do think you are focussing inwardly and being very negative.
Generally I feel washed up on the scrap heap of life if I am honest, l am suffering from lockdown depression, everything seems pointless. However the only alternative is to carry on.
It might sound a cliche, but have you thought of doing some volunteering? It might make you realise that you have a lot more going for you than you think.

I am not divorced but can relate to what you say about your dh. I am sorry you are having a tough time but I wanted to say that I am in my forties and hesitant to make any major decisions because I do believe I am in the perimenopause and I wonder all the time exactly what would make me happy. I have the searching feeling you describe. A sahm with young dc, my confidence has gone through the floor, I regret now, giving up my part-time job but I wouldn't then have been around for my dc which was my number one priority.

I am dependent on my dh financially. If I were not, I wonder if things might be different. I also don't have much support, I think this is also another factor. My dcs are also young...I seem to have a large list of reasons to stay and so that is what I've decided to do. Sometimes, I think how lovely it would be to feel lighter (I don't have much respect for my dh due to something that has happened but it is not enough of a deal breaker) and that I could be limiting my own happiness but I suppose I weigh everything up and have decided developing friendships is probably the way to go.

I am unhappy with the way things have turned out but as was mentioned upthread, I am trying to change my life around, so I derive more happiness for myself. Funnily enough, I have just written a novel and I would like to have a go at sailing (small sail boat on a lake as I experience motion sickness), I have always had a love of the water and I am hoping this might give me a bit of a boost. When young dc starts school I hope to do some voluntary work, join a few more groups and meet some more people. I'm not sure this is going to be the answer but it will get me out and about a bit instead of staring at 4 walls. I feel very flat and I suppose in the privileged position to feel a bit bored - my writing has saved me.

I hear what you're saying about a shabby home. DH does a fair bit of DIY that would otherwise be very expensive. I know this is also shallow but we have worked hard on our house over the years and ironically have a nice home now, it would be hard to let it go.

I really hope things improve for you OP.

Sorry for the epic post.

@crimsonlake

I do think you need a new job and purpose to focus on. You have a new partner who enhances your life, enjoy the times you are not together. Equally you need to enjoy alone time as essentially that is what you originally wanted and make the most of your time with your children. Once you have children it cannot be all about you, certainly not until they have left home and established yourself. Your youngest is at an important stage in his education and I suspect your 17 year old is as well. You cannot change their personalities and it does sound perhaps as you are looking to find fault with them as well. It is never easy to engage teenagers, I spent many evenings as you have described with them in their rooms, but at least they were in my house, their home. That is teenagers for you. Surely you do not need a man to occupy your evenings, even if you watch box sets as I do every night. I really do think you are focussing inwardly and being very negative. Generally I feel washed up on the scrap heap of life if I am honest, l am suffering from lockdown depression, everything seems pointless. However the only alternative is to carry on. It might sound a cliche, but have you thought of doing some volunteering? It might make you realise that you have a lot more going for you than you think.

Crimson washed up on the scrap heap of life sounds about right. I do try to enjoy the times I’m apart from DP, and to make the house “home” for my DCs, but it just seems so joyless and detached. Yes, lockdown doesn’t help at all. I definitely need a new job.

@Daphnesmate01

I am not divorced but can relate to what you say about your dh. I am sorry you are having a tough time but I wanted to say that I am in my forties and hesitant to make any major decisions because I do believe I am in the perimenopause and I wonder all the time exactly what would make me happy. I have the searching feeling you describe. A sahm with young dc, my confidence has gone through the floor, I regret now, giving up my part-time job but I wouldn't then have been around for my dc which was my number one priority.

I am dependent on my dh financially. If I were not, I wonder if things might be different. I also don't have much support, I think this is also another factor. My dcs are also young...I seem to have a large list of reasons to stay and so that is what I've decided to do. Sometimes, I think how lovely it would be to feel lighter (I don't have much respect for my dh due to something that has happened but it is not enough of a deal breaker) and that I could be limiting my own happiness but I suppose I weigh everything up and have decided developing friendships is probably the way to go.

I am unhappy with the way things have turned out but as was mentioned upthread, I am trying to change my life around, so I derive more happiness for myself. Funnily enough, I have just written a novel and I would like to have a go at sailing (small sail boat on a lake as I experience motion sickness), I have always had a love of the water and I am hoping this might give me a bit of a boost. When young dc starts school I hope to do some voluntary work, join a few more groups and meet some more people. I'm not sure this is going to be the answer but it will get me out and about a bit instead of staring at 4 walls. I feel very flat and I suppose in the privileged position to feel a bit bored - my writing has saved me.

I hear what you're saying about a shabby home. DH does a fair bit of DIY that would otherwise be very expensive. I know this is also shallow but we have worked hard on our house over the years and ironically have a nice home now, it would be hard to let it go.

I really hope things improve for you OP.

Thank you DaphnesMate yes, the searching feeling is exactly that. In some ways, I do wish I hadn’t let go of my job ;to go freelance) but my ex DH was unsupportive and we could t both have the full time job and to give the children attention. Now I’m stuck with the shred of a career that I can’t get back into, no cash, and in a house that’s miles away from anywhere. I was writing a novel, too, but even that seems hopeless and pointless now, as it would never get published. I feel like I’m failing in so many parts of life.

You have some good ideas... volunteering and sailing. Good luck with those. I going to keep concentrating on getting a job.

He does weigh me down, in the way that having a partner weighs anyone down

? Why the face? Don’t you sacrifice something when you have a partner? This was what I meant by “weighing down”. It is a weight. I can’t just take off whenever suits me (not that I would)... there is another person to consider and plans are made together. Perhaps I worded it clumsily, but this was what I meant.

Deadcity...re publishing a novel, I am self publishing via Amazon later this year. If you are not particularly bothered about making much money, it's perfectly doable.

Thank you, Daphnesmate. That’s a good thought. Will see if I can motivate myself to blow the dust off my manuscript.

Don’t you sacrifice something when you have a partner?

Well, maybe there are things I sacrifice for having a partner, for example perhaps I'd consult him before making plans. The whole point of a partner is that overall my life is better for having him in it.

That's not how 'weighing down' feels to me.

Thanks, Finally, I think maybe people are attributing too much attention to my weighing-down terminology. My partner is great and we have fabulous times together. Overall, he adds to my life and things are brighter when I am with him.

I can even remember where I made the weighing down comment, but it’s not representative of how I feel about him in general.

*can’t!