Anyone else still unhappy after divorce?

[DeadCity]

I drove my divorce. I wasn’t happy after 15 years of marriage. I have DCs 17 and 13 who are with me every other week. The divorce money has gone, my brand new house is starting to get shabby, and my work has dried up. I lost many friends through the divorce. My ‘mum’ friends don’t want to know, and I’ve found it hard to integrate into my new village.

I’m starting to think that I will never be happy. Ex has moved on - his life barely changed, he just has a GC who seems happy to ‘stand in’ for all the things I used to do.

I’ve been seeing someone for 2 years but my DCs refuse to have anything to do with him, so I live with him every other week and we have snatched moments when I have my DCs. Also he works away 2 days a week. So we have 5/14 nights together.

Why am I so pissed off with my life, still? Feels so hopeless 😩

Is anyone else still unhappy after their divorce? It’s been 3 years.

I think I will always be unhappy. I think it stems from watching the most miserable marriage in the world (mum and dad).

I have only been truly happy for a couple of years in my adult life. I’ve been looking for it ever since and like you divorce etc made little difference.

I think I will always be unhappy and that’s down to me not anyone else.

I too think it is a strange comment to make saying you are lonely when you have your children with you?
It sounds as if you were unhappy with yourself before the divorce and after the initial thrill of being single again the excitement has worn off...as in the grass is not always greener.
You sound as if you are doing well, new house, new start and a new man. Do you know what you really want?
Things in your house are beginning to get old...what does that mean?
Do you like replacing things, or is it simply it needs redecorating?
I am going on 10 years post divorce, downsized to a home which is okay, but not in an area I would really choose to live. I am lucky to have found a job which I am a bit meh about, but hurtling towards 60 years I do not think I will be able to change. I have had a couple of short relationships but failed to find a fulfilling realationship and basically think that ship has sailed.
What is my ex doing..? I really do not care and perhaps that is the difference between us?

My advice would be to find happiness within yourself rather than through someone else.

Your comments about your boyfriend are contrary, perhaps this is how you feel about him. Maybe concentrate on the wellbeing of you and the DC, especially your youngest. Divorce doesn’t define you but the way you deal with your life after divorce might.

Do you have fun with your DC, do you laugh together. I think once you get some happiness back into your life it will feel so much better.

I'm curious to know why you ended your marriage OP from reading this thread.

It does sound like perhaps you are lured in by the promise of new and exciting things and then when the shine wears off, you get bored and fed up and go looking for something new. I don't mean that to sound as critical as it probably comes across. It just struck me when you talked about the house getting worn. As with everything else in life, the house will need work done to maintain it and improve it.

I think your previous marriage and your new relationships are red herrings. I think the relationship that is the problem is the one with your kids. It sounds like you are putting them first in everythng at the expense of yourself. Your kids are old enough now to understand that you are a person with opinions and feelings, rather than just 'mum'. It's time to start putting yourself first.

@Bluemoooon

Perhaps your 13 year old takes after you and is never happy - but blames others for this??? Did you have a good example of a happy marriage growing up? I think I was someone who was 'never happy'. But my DM wasn't happy for some of my teen years due to difficult home life. I'm sorry now I didn't try harder to improve my life, it's difficult with no example to follow. I tried to be a good mother but now feel that being a happy person would have done more for the DCs!

I do wonder that about my 13 yr old, Bluemoooon. He pushes himself at school and doesn’t seem happy in his goals - maybe that’s another story.

No, I did not have a good example of a happy marriage growing up. My dad was abusive and mother was cold and detached. I’m sorry you knew the same. Yes, I feel guilty for how this impacts on my DCs.

@Sayhi8

I think I will always be unhappy. I think it stems from watching the most miserable marriage in the world (mum and dad).

I have only been truly happy for a couple of years in my adult life. I’ve been looking for it ever since and like you divorce etc made little difference.

I think I will always be unhappy and that’s down to me not anyone else.

That’s such a sad post, Sayhi8 Do you feel we are doomed to be unhappy all the time? I’ve had a lot of counselling for this but I seem to get back to where I was. Bring in a relationship isn’t always the “safest” place for me - even though we have shared happy tunes together.

@crimsonlake

I too think it is a strange comment to make saying you are lonely when you have your children with you? It sounds as if you were unhappy with yourself before the divorce and after the initial thrill of being single again the excitement has worn off...as in the grass is not always greener. You sound as if you are doing well, new house, new start and a new man. Do you know what you really want? Things in your house are beginning to get old...what does that mean? Do you like replacing things, or is it simply it needs redecorating? I am going on 10 years post divorce, downsized to a home which is okay, but not in an area I would really choose to live. I am lucky to have found a job which I am a bit meh about, but hurtling towards 60 years I do not think I will be able to change. I have had a couple of short relationships but failed to find a fulfilling realationship and basically think that ship has sailed. What is my ex doing..? I really do not care and perhaps that is the difference between us?

Thank you, Crimson. I feel lonely when I have my kids as I miss having another adult around. DCs go off into their rooms/zones, and I’m left on the sofa by myself yet again.

Thank you for making me see it a little differently - one could say that I am doing well. I have a house, relationship, done travels. Maybe things aren’t as bad as I think.

House stuff - I mean loose paving stones, a fridge that leaks. Maybe small things really, but I find them overwhelming. I need to get a proper job (am in a freelancing type role). I think I need to create more security for myself.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can see myself “hurtling towards 60” - even though I’m in my 40s, I imagine it happens fast - and need to put the brakes on a bit.

Good point about not caring what ex is doing. I don’t care too much, more that I see as my DCs are subjected to it.

@doodleygirl

My advice would be to find happiness within yourself rather than through someone else.

Your comments about your boyfriend are contrary, perhaps this is how you feel about him. Maybe concentrate on the wellbeing of you and the DC, especially your youngest. Divorce doesn’t define you but the way you deal with your life after divorce might.

Do you have fun with your DC, do you laugh together. I think once you get some happiness back into your life it will feel so much better.

Thanks, Doodley. Yes, I need to find happiness within myself again. I wish I remember how! No, I don’t feel like I have fun with my DCs. I feel anxious about them all the time, and it’s hard work keeping the partner and the DCs separate. My kids are critical and hostile, which doesn’t help.

Sell your house then, buy your own boat :-) what have you got to lose, the kids might like an alternative to normal hum-drum if that is what brings you happiness, they might even enjot it if you sell the "it would look good on Instagram line" shallow I know but whatever works! Get back into your journal first, I find if I write thoughts down they kind of work themselves out as I am doing it. Start today, even if it's just a list of things you want to change, things you can/can't change and things you have to park for a while or forget about. Baby steps towards the next chapter.

@Fatted

I'm curious to know why you ended your marriage OP from reading this thread.

It does sound like perhaps you are lured in by the promise of new and exciting things and then when the shine wears off, you get bored and fed up and go looking for something new. I don't mean that to sound as critical as it probably comes across. It just struck me when you talked about the house getting worn. As with everything else in life, the house will need work done to maintain it and improve it.

I think your previous marriage and your new relationships are red herrings. I think the relationship that is the problem is the one with your kids. It sounds like you are putting them first in everythng at the expense of yourself. Your kids are old enough now to understand that you are a person with opinions and feelings, rather than just 'mum'. It's time to start putting yourself first.

Hi Fatted, I ended my marriage because he was one of those incompetent husbands who was great at work, but left all the crap at home for me to deal with. He was unemotional and difficult to share stuff with. He wanted to retire with no real plan, I was still working. We couldn’t afford for him to do this, but he couldn’t see it.

You’re right. I get lured in by shiny, new starts, and I feel disappointed when things wear on. I was just thinking at how hard I find my relationship “now the honeymoon period is over”. It seems to happen with every part of my life. I’m good at starting things, not so good at maintenance and improvements.

Thank you for your post. It has highlighted things.

My DCs... I have been putting them first, yes, as I felt guilty about the divorce. I don’t know what to do next. They are critical and hostile. My DS says he feels panic whenever we talk about our partners, and that his biggest fear is that either his father or I will remarry. It will take careful stepping, I think, not to damage him. I feel very upset and concerned about this.

@frozendaisy

Sell your house then, buy your own boat :-) what have you got to lose, the kids might like an alternative to normal hum-drum if that is what brings you happiness, they might even enjot it if you sell the "it would look good on Instagram line" shallow I know but whatever works! Get back into your journal first, I find if I write thoughts down they kind of work themselves out as I am doing it. Start today, even if it's just a list of things you want to change, things you can/can't change and things you have to park for a while or forget about. Baby steps towards the next chapter.

Hi, Frozendaisy, Believe it or not, I did consider this. The DCs would never forgive me for selling their home. They don’t like the boat life at all (and it would be too small for 3 of us). I feel I owe it to them to provide a comfortable home, given than I divorced their dad and forced the sale of their family home.

I hear what you say about the journal... but I feel frozen and stuck. I can’t articulate what it is that I want to change. I did a job search last night but there’s nothing in my area/that I could get. Feels a bit hopeless.

@DeadCity

I hope not but I have feelings of unhappiness on a weekly basis. Some days less so than others. Nothing excites me. I find life very dull. I find loving people really hard. I take medication for depression but all that does is take the edge of it. I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for. I hope it isn’t the same for you.

Sorry if this is totally barking up the wrong tree but....google adhd in women. The excitement in new projects, the general malaise, the not being able to maintain things/jobs/relationships, it struck a chord!

Sayhi8 I know what you mean. Unhappiness on a weekly basis rings a bell (except maybe it’s daily for me). I think I need a new job to distract myself.
Sorry you find life dull. Yes, me too. I’m thinking maybe the travel with partner will help - he has a travel plan which I can do bits of with him. I think I need to do my life “differently”.
I can’t seem to find what I’m looking for
Yes! Exactly this.

Annabellerina No, I don’t have ADHD... thank you, though! Good to consider everything...

I don't know how old you are but sounds like you've just run out of steam and lost your spark. The advice on here is great I was just going to add in if you do happen to be in your 40s maybe worth getting so medical checks, something about your tone of voice reminds me of what I was like.

I got bloods done and literally had no testosterone when taken this given you a bit of a spring in your step and makes you take actions and over the years I felt like a deflated ballon.. so I'm juggling my HRT and still getting the balance right but if you can or feel it maybe linked get yourself to a hormone clinic and just check yourself medically for being low in any nutrients as well, these will have a big effect on mood.

I'm 100% sure with all the advice you can have a really good kick start.

I lost loads of friends too. Its hard.

Op, I just want to give you a cuddle. You sound so lost.

Make a choice to stop feeling guilty about the divorce. It’s been 3 years and the kids are old enough to understand. I totally get the thing with them being in their rooms (I have teens) and it’s hard to engage them in any activities. Is there anything you all enjoy doing-walks, puzzles, board games? Maybe make a rule that you all do something together eaCh day. Do you eat together? When the kids are in their rooms, enjoy the peace-watch films/Netflix, read a book, just anything that you want to do.

WRT to the partner, I can’t quite work out how you feel about him. You say he weighs you down. No relationship should be like that. I left my husband and have a new partner who lifts me up and makes me feel amazing. I wonder if a break from him and some space would make you realise whether you really want to be with him or not? Does he make you happy?

The house can’t be that shabby if you’ve only been there 3 years. What do you like in your house? I’ve embraced my love of knick knacks and quirky prints on the wall And lots of cushions. Can you afford to get a few new things to brighten the place up? But only buy things that really spark joy and make you smile when you look at them.

I imagine right now it’s difficult to get involved in village life. Are there any friends you can get in touch with? Family?

If keeping a journal feels too much right now, maybe just write 3 things each day that you’re either grateful for or proud of.

Finally, where are you with your periods? You sound possibly a bit low/depressed and the perimenopause can really mess with your head. I take antidepressants and hrt and feel like me again but for a while was a mess.

You can do this op.

I divorced 20 years ago. I drove it myself, we were married straight out of University and were married with for 21 years with two teenagers at the time.

The marriage had become unbearable, he was cold, angry, unfeeling. Didn't want to be with me or make it work, buried himself in his own work, ignored the children etc., etc. I couldn't live that way and it was tearing us apart.

We divorced and I walked away, the children were relieved, although they continued to have a relationship with their father and still do. I have done many things I would not have done if I had stayed married...fantastic jobs, travel, people, places...they have all been good. If I had stayed I may well have become so depressed I might have considered ending it all.

Yet in my later years I regret it. I know I couldn't have stayed but I still love the man I married, not the one he became. I can't help feeling "it shouldn't have ended this way"...we should have been able to work through it, we should have been facing a gentle old age together. The reality is, it wouldn't have happened that way, my head knows that but my heart still hasn't let go of the dream I had when I first married....

It is really odd and I can't quite understand my current thinking.

I got divorced and haven't regretted it for a second. Our life wasn't bad, finicially we were comfortable enough, nice home and I had a good work/life balance. Except I was desperately unhappy and didn't love my husband. We were both snappy and grumpy. The DCs were a bit as well. Sex was non existent and had been for many years. We hadn't shared a bed in my DCs lifetime!

I drove the divorce, he didn't want it! It felt like a weight had been lifted. I'm with someone else who makes me sooo happy. 1 DC loves him, the other isn't happy about it and doesn't like seeing me with someone else. I have made it clear that I get to have a life outside of being a mum and I won't let my child dictate who I see as if it was up to him, he would have me stay single indefinitely and I'm not doing that. I pointed out that he will grow up and move on and where would that leave me. I actually asked what he thought I should do when he's at his dad's and he said I should just sit and wait for him to come home! Nope, children should learn that their parents are people too, not just their parent and as long as the partner isn't a twat or abusive, then children do need to accept that life has changed and adapt to this.

House stuff - I mean loose paving stones, a fridge that leaks. Maybe small things really, but I find them overwhelming.

This is obviously biased toward my way of dealing with things: I would start by making a list of the things around the house that are broken or generally getting me down.

Then divide the list into big things, small-ish things and simple things. Do one of the simple things just to show yourself that you can do it.

Before you tell me you can't do it, there will always be a few small things about the house that just take a few minutes to fix. Add them to the list and do one of 'em right away.

This is how you could live your life from now on. Identify what you want to change, categorise, prioritise and then do or start something.

As you go along, you will be building up your self esteem and the size of things you can tackle will grow too. You will start to see just how strong and capable you are. It's a good feeling. Instead of being sorry that you have no adult company, get another task crossed off the list.

Start adding things that you want to do for yourself to the list, or another list. You have got this now.

You are absolutely perfect and sufficient for yourself to have a good life. Your family, children and friends may enhance your life but just by yourself you are absolutely enough. Enjoy.

I am going to disagree with a lot of people on here, but you do need to put your children first, this includes your ex.
They have been through a lot with divorce and since especially with both parent's having new partners and I expect moving between both homes.
One child is only 13 years old, so very young when you did actually split.
You say you feel lonely when they stay in their rooms. I have essentially been a single parent to mine since they were 13 years and 14 years respectively and did not have any man arond in my life at all.
It is up to you to plan some things to do together when they come over, eat at the table, play board games, watch a movie together even if it means sitting through some terrible films just so you have them in the room with you.
Go out for the day with them, take them on holiday, what 17 year old would turn down a holiday?
I have loads need doing on my house, kitchen and bathroom need refurbishing and I cannot afford it.
My fridge freezer broke just before Christmas, I needed a new oven and now my washing machine is broke. I could go on.....
Look for the good things you have in your life and make the most of them.
Perhaps you are focussing on yourself too much? I read somewhere recently that we can do too much of that and we need to start thinking of others more.

Thank you Crimsonlake for presenting the other side of the argument. I am totally torn. I took a lot of advice from here when going through the divorce, and really did put the children first. It breaks my heart to hear DS saying that he’s filled with panic and angst when DP comes round. Yes, moving between homes doesn’t help, and they both say they feel uprooted. I feel it’s my responsibility to keep this home “theirs” and to work around the weekly shifting of stuff.

You’re right, maybe I need to work harder on keeping them close. We do evening meals, the odd walk, and some films. I took them on holiday last year, but can’t afford it this year. I feel useless at planning other stuff. They don’t want to go out anywhere with me. We don’t have family and they naturally gravitate towards being at their friends’ houses. Maybe I’m not doing too badly on this end... I feel lonely because I miss my partner.

Maybe I am catastrophising on the house front. It feels so demoralising to not be able to afford repairs of things, or to feel overwhelmed. Maybe I need to take the advice of a PP.

Thank you. Maybe I do need to look for the good things in life and make the most of them. I do feel like I’m focussing inwardly a lot. I need a new job and some other distractions.

Thank you so much, QueenCoral a cuddle is much appreciated. I do feel lost.

I’m stuck between doing what my kids want, and making that choice to stop feeling guilty. Whilst it has been 3 years, 13 still seems so young. You think they are old enough to understand? I am torn.

Yes, it’s hard to engage with them. I have to say - and I feel really ashamed to admit this - that they can be critical and unpleasant, and snooty. It’s hard to get them to be warm and empathetic. We do walks, but they hate puzzles, board games & cards, and say that their dad forces them to play those with his gf. Yes, we do eat together, thankfully. I find it so hard when they’re in their rooms & I just end up on my phone, wishing I could be with my partner. I feel like I’m washing my life away. It wasn’t meant to be like this, we were supposed to be friends and a loving family. Instead, it’s like none of us enjoys each other’s company.

I enjoy my life with my partner, but I do put in a lot so we can be together, hence weighing down. I guess I should let it go a bit. Maybe I should create some space. I feel like he is “me” time and do I look forward to time with him more and more. It just feels so free when I am away from my house. Then I feel guilty all over again. I need to strike a balance.

Yes, I need to find the love for my house again. It feels like it served a purpose, and now I’m stuck in the sticks. We know one family... maybe I should make more of an effort with them. I don’t have any family nearby.

Thank you... yes, maybe a gratitude diary will help. I’ve made myself meet with friends more, even when I have the kids. It helps to remember that life can open up a bit. They don’t mind me going out a bit.

My periods are regular but I have been wondering about being perimenopausal as I’m more anxious than usual. On top of everything else, I feel so old and grey(er). I feel like I’m not attractive any more and worry I’ll never find another partner if things don’t work out. Basically, I’m a bundle of worry, and I need to find joy again.

Phew, this is so long. Sorry...

Glad you appreciated the cuddle!
Whilst I don’t expect kids to completely understand, mine do seem to have some understanding. But exh and I are happier apart and so they perhaps my dc (8,11,13) see that and it helps them understand.
I don’t mean that you should not think about their feelings, but I do think you owe it to yourself to let go of the guilt. You sound stuck in a negative mindset with the guilt and I think you would be happier without it.
Don’t forget, you have all just been through the trauma of lockdown, which has been really hard on kids (and adults) and you’ve probably spent a lot more time together than usual.
There is so much good advice on here and you can do it x