Sexual coercion

[teaandsconesagain]

How do you define it?
I'm not sure if I experienced it during my marriage of twenty years .

I see it as very prevalent. Manipulation, pressurizing, getting in a strop if they don't get what they want.

If you feel as if you were having sex when you didn't 100% want to have it, or acts you didn't really want, I'd say that's coercion or worse.

It means feeling forced or pressurised to have sex or perform sexual things. Withdrawing affection, sulking, badgering, shouting, snapping, nagging etc are all methods designed to manipulate or openly pressure you into having sex.

Oh and I didn't really phrase that right- even if they do the wheedling, stropping whatever and don't succeed in getting you to have sex as you don't feel able/want to at that time, that's attempted sexual coercion or is sexual coercion itself, and is still disgusting.

anytime you do something you dont want to or feel like doing because you dont have the energy to fight anymore or deal with the consequences if you dont.

My ExH said to me once your my wife it’s expected of you part of the duty of being a wife.

'I deserve it.' From one. Another time he stormed out of the house because I didn't want it that night. Shagging me while drunk and/or asleep (this is rape of course.) 'I'll just be 5 minutes.'

'Oh When are we going to have sex?' From another. Calling me to a tease to his friend and storming off home because I didn't do it when he expected it.

'That means you're repressed.' From one as I didn't like the idea of trying anal at the time.'

'Oh if only you liked Y' 'I really want to X your Y,' 'That's good now X my Y,' and the iconic 'Maybe you could have therapy to learn to enjoy X' from one guy.

Stropping around slamming doors from another because I didn't feel like it that night.

Probably more.

Never again!

As a PP also said, withdrawing affection/emotional intimacy.

I'm my circumstance , he groped, sulked when I didnt want sex, always pushed for anal and then expected it, said I must not fancy him if I didn't want to have sex there and then, groped me any time I passed and in front of kids.
He finally had sex and affair and left me.
I'm trying to unpick all of this but O know I don't miss that horrible time.

He also could not or did not do emotional:
Physical intimacy without there being a sexual angle

I'm so glad it's over weirdly

Oh yes i remember well the slamming around the house at night if you did not feel like it.
Often leading to a day of grumpiness; sulking and emotional pressure being applied for the upcoming evening
Definite withdrawal of emotional kindness and intimacy

I echo your last two posts Op .

I am glad to be free of the situation too.

I heard from the marriage split very quickly because of that continuous coercion. It helped to Move on if that doesn't sound strange

Healed

I've had one that used to sulk, refuse to look at me or touch me, snap, berate me as not woman(ly) enough, etc. just because I wanted peace or affection without sex. It was awful. He somehow convinced me I owed it to him, said it was physically painful if he had to go without, etc. I was way too young and stayed with him way too long.

My ex put pressure on me when the DC were little and I just didn't feel like it. Clingy babies, breastfeeding, tired. When they slept I just wanted to be left alone and not touched.

Thing is the way he kept going on it made me want it less and less. He then became emotionally abusive, in lots of ways, not just relating to sex. Physically violent on a couple of occasions. I was too scared to leave.

Unsurprisingly he just made my skin crawl in the end. He used to talk about getting our sex life 'back on track' and to this day those words make me heave. He used to buy sex toys that made me cringe, criticise me for just laying there (I was completely passive because I didn't want to but felt I had no choice). The smell of him made me feel ill. He would kick off when the DC were asleep if he didn't get his own way, slam doors, shout, get aggressive. I was genuinely terrified about what he would do.

I was so glad when I finally got away from him. And I actually couldn't wait to have sex with someone who didn't make me feel like that.

There are possibly some grey areas though.

I was in a sexless marriage (maybe 5 or 6 times each year for the last few years of our marriage, and some years only once or twice), and the absence of physical intimacy directly caused some of the things referred to as "coercion" in some of the posts above - I found myself withdrawing from her, sometimes being grumpy, and on a few occasions losing my temper and saying things I later regretted.

I was also very clear in explaining that sex/intimacy was not "optional" in the relationship for me, and that while I would never "expect" sex on any given day, week or even month, the reality was that not having it at all would doom the relationship.

From my wife's perspective, she told me she felt under constant pressure to have sex (even if we rarely did it) because of my expectations that it should be part of our marriage, and because I was obviously so unhappy about the lack of intimacy, so some might say that MY behaviour was coercive.

What do others think?

So you didn't think it coercive to make your wife choose between unwanted sex and ending the relationship?

What did you expect? It's not exactly a turn-on.

@RodeoOnaCamel so what was it like earlier in your marriage? Was it always that way? If not, what is your opinion on why it changed?

Imo sometimes it's obvious why someone's sex drive might temporarily decrease. My situation- having very young babies to look after. But it became a far bigger problem because of how he reacted. And then he became abusive.

If there's an obvious reason for it like a new baby someone should be patient and understanding. If not, try to find out what is going on sensitively. This is supposed to be someone you care about, love and respect, and want for far more than sex. Anyone is of course entitled to leave a relationship when sex is an important element for them and their partner doesn't feel the same.

It doesn't make coercion or abuse acceptable. Leave if unhappy.

@Rec0veringAcademic

So I'm guessing you would respond to living in a sexless marriage by saying "Don't worry, I love you so much that I'm really, really happy to be celibate."?

Or would you just leave if your intimacy needs weren't being met, and deny your partner the opportunity to work towards a solution to the problem?

It is perfectly permissible to have "dealbreakers" in a relationship, and for many people sexlessness is one of them. Not communicating those dealbreakers to your partner is negligent in the extreme - communication is THE most important component of any relationship. Telling your partner that you are not willing to put up with a sexless relationship is not the same as coercing them into having sex with you.

In the end, the sexless nature of our marriage did it for me, but it took many years or therapy and heartache on both sides to reach that point.

@Rec0veringAcademic

So you didn't think it coercive to make your wife choose between unwanted sex and ending the relationship?

What did you expect? It's not exactly a turn-on.

This. It has completely the opposite effect obviously. It's coercive control and it's abuse. I think if someone cared about their partner they wouldnt put pressure on- they are of course entitled to feel how they feel and want sex but coercion is never acceptable. Try to deal with sensitively and without pressure and if it can't be resolved then leave. Basically act like a decent human being.

Telling your partner that you are not willing to put up with a sexless relationship is not the same as coercing them into having sex with you.

But you said yourself some of the things referred to in this thread as 'coercion' were applicable in your situation.

@TiresomePaperDreams

We had a good sex life early on, but it nosedived after children and never recovered. We both gave it more than 10 years after our youngest child was born, but it just got worse and worse and worse.

We never did get to the bottom of why, even with loads of marriage counselling.

We finally separated when she reached a conclusion that there was nothing more to work on - she just didn't want a sexual relationship with me, but she did want to stay married. I suggested opening the marriage, but she refused.

It was only when it became that black and white that I felt able to leave. Before that I just couldn't let go of the hope that she might change how she felt - and she frequently would say things that would help me cling to that hope, as well as, very, very occasionally, initiate sex.

Withdrawing affection or emotional intimacy is also a side effect of feeling rejected though.
If the rejection goes on for a long time then it is a natural consequence for a lot of people.

Even the person who doesn't want to have sex often admits to 'withdrawing affection' from the other person because they are don't want to kiss or cuddle in case the other person gets turned on and wants it to lead to sex.

So it's not quite as simple as that!