What makes you feel your husband is still attracted to you

[hopingtobedally]

As this has been a bit of a sticking point over the years and despite me discussing this many times and him assuring me he does his actions really don't reassure me
So just to see if I'm being unrealistic or whether he just isn't showing signs he is I would like to ask what your OH does that makes you feel he is still attracted to you

Nothing for me too unfortunately . I could do cartwheels naked in front of him and he’d tell me I’m blocking the tv or ask me what the heck is wrong with me to be doing that . Mind you I can certainly tell he’s attracted when a nubile twenty five year old walks by and his eyes almost pop out of their sockets or by the women I see on the pirn he looks at

You could replace the word grope with “caress” to make it sound more romantic. Personally I like that the guy I have sex with wants to touch me. He is incredibly respectful when there are other people around but is happy to throw in a few playful caresses when it’s just us. I like them!

Sorry to hear there's so many people dealing with this.

For me the worst part of all this is that he refuses to admit anything has changed. Just says "I do fancy you" , "nothing is different!!" , "I will do x y or z" (never happens and I refuse to ask), "stop going on" etc.

How can anything be resolved if he won't discuss it?? I know him very very well and can tell when he is lying or omitting (not in a controlling way, I just know iyswim) so I know there is something going on. I suspect he knows whatever it is would hurt me deeply (I'm really shy self conscious about my body) and we would end up splitting up or at least he wouldn't get any mechanical type release. I also suspect he makes the minimal effort that he does because he is concerned in case I am flattered elsewhere. I wouldn't.

What a mess. I'm only 32. It is depressing to think that my sex life now consists of giving blow jobs and sex in 2 positions after about 30 seconds foreplay. I feel bad though cause some people have it worse.

@temproasted

If you don't mind me asking, since we have a similar situation, what does your OH say about things?? Do you both talk about it??

We don't have sex so I've come on this thread a little cheekily to say that i can tell he thinks I'm attractive when he offers me crisps when he knows I'm dieting!

I only know he fancies me when he’s horny. Other than that, nothing - I’m like his buddy. No compliments either but he will compliment another woman and then let me know what he said and how much she liked it.

Oh @SeonaSeona that is heart breaking. I was married for ten years to the wrong person and the majority of that time was like this.

I thought life could be so much better, whether I found another much more fulfilling relationship Or whether I was alone. So eventually we divorced. I was 36.

You have one life. I can’t tell you what’s best in your situation but I do know that life is for being loved.

I'm not sure wanting sex is a sign of fancying you in a marriage?

Sorry that sounds flippant/harsh but surely it's just a sign they want sex?

Yeah maybe youre right - It’s attraction though isn’t it. Otherwise I’m just the nearest vagina.

He tells me everyday I look beautiful or sexy.
He loves cuddling up when we’re watching TV and we’ll kiss a lot.
We’ll also have sex most nights and he’ll compliment me during it such as “you look so hot right now” etc.

In my previous relationship my ex and I were more like housemates with zero spark. I can remember how crap I felt when he seemed so uninterested in me. I could walk in the room naked and he wouldn’t even register I was there. Kissing and sex only happened once in a blue moon and it was very robotic with no real tenderness. I’d never get any compliments ever either. I could spend hours getting ready for a night out and he wouldn’t notice.

@PARunnerGirl

Thanks so much for your lovely comment, and I'm happy for you, you sound happy.

I do feel like I'm wasting my time tbh. We met when I was 19. I've done a lot of growing up since then and particularly since I turned 30. I can see that for various reasons I've consciously stayed when I know I shouldn't. He does have many good points but he is very controlling over our DC, he is unstable and he's rubbish with money. I know I stay out of fear because I know he would insist DC live with him and would make things very difficult in that way. He has a bought home (we don't live in it) and we are not married and I've no qualifications, so would be very difficult for me to rent by myself even working ft. The DC are older so universal credit wouldn't top up long term. Unless I can get a better and stable job, him fighting tooth and nail for DC to live with him when he's in a better position to have DC, terrifies me.

I see him getting boners when I undress/get changed. We cuddle/kiss all the time and we sometimes send risqué photos.

none. I ask him a couple of times a year if he actually does find me attractive and he insists he does but there are no actions to back this up. He will occasionally say “you look nice” or “that’s a nice dress” if I’ve made an effort for a special occasion but it’s the sort of comment he’d also make to his mum.

Like pp, he doesn’t notice if I walk around naked or wear sexy lingerie, it’s very depressing. Worst part is we haven’t had kids yet and I’m a size 8/10 so I know it’s only downhill from here! Everything else is great so I try to ignore it but it does get me down every now and then, especially when I tell him how handsome he is and how much I fancy him and hear nothing back.

In truth it’s extremely depressing but I guess in truth most family and friends would consider it very selfish to leave an otherwise ‘ good ‘ relationship just because he doesn’t express any attraction . In fact I’ve been told so when confiding in a couple of people. Not saying I agree but it’s very hard as it’s sometimes seen as a trivial or ‘silly need ‘ by some people . I remember reading one woman in an advice column saying her husband never complimented her and practically been torn to shreds with comments that she shouldn’t look to him for self esteem . I felt bad for her as I really get how bad that feels

He's cheeky, makes jokes, lots of touching

@forrandomposts

I'm not sure wanting sex is a sign of fancying you in a marriage?

Sorry that sounds flippant/harsh but surely it's just a sign they want sex?

No, I disagree. I had an ex who was only affectionate during sex, and I felt disheartened about our intimacy completely outside of the bedroom

Hard to pin down but I do just feel confident that DH fancies me. He says he does, but words are just words... and he's always up for it...but it's more the way he behaves with me day to day. He compliments me a lot, is affectionate in public and behind closed doors, and does just look at me like he thinks 'wow'. For the record, I don't think I'm 'wow'.

This is such an interesting question, although I’m sorry you felt you needed to ask it, OP.

So do actions speak louder than words? My partner shows me that he finds me very attractive by the way he acts and reacts, and he always wants to have sex as often as I do. But he rarely tells me in words that he thinks I’m beautiful or sexy. 🤔

@xSeonaSeonax I am completely with you

He compliments me a lot without being asked. He will hold my hand when we go out. Kisses me whenever he can and will slap my bum or sometimes give me a squeeze from behind (I am happy with this). He is just very affectionate in general. Also, sometimes I catch him checking me out

It has been wonderful for me as my first husband clearly didn't fancy me. His type was short, slightly chubby brunettes, so no idea why he married a 6ft 2 blonde.

I often feel insecure but I know my husband finds me attractive when he cuddles me and looks at me and smiles. Also he gets very excited every time he sees me in my knickers. And we've been together for 15 years.

He tells me all the time. Only been together 8 years though so not that long.

It's the every day actions that make me feel special and wanted.
As soon as I come in from work he will put the kettle on and see what I want for tea.
He brings me a brew in bed every morning.
We snuggle up on the settee every night.
We have silly jokes that no one else would understand
We still hold hands in public.
He tells me I look nice.
He reassures me that I look great when I feel fat but encourages me to exercise if I want because he knows I feel better after at it but put it off.
I never have to mention housework. He will put the wash on, peg the laundry, clean the bathroom etc. We don't have a list of who does what we just can see what needs doing.
He always has my back, even when I have made things difficult.
As I said, it' the day to day stuff that is important.
I don't need showy public declarations of love, just nice comfortable gestures to prove I am important go a long to making me feel special.

The list goes on.
We have been together 30 years.

I'm not sure wanting sex is a sign of fancying you in a marriage?

Sorry that sounds flippant/harsh but surely it's just a sign they want sex?

Well the fact that they’re having it with you and not an OW is something I suppose! But I think PPs probably mean he is enthusiastic about wanting it with them outside the bedroom, ie the ‘groping’ for want off a better word. If he didn’t want ME in particular, just wanted to get his rocks off, that would come across in a very different way I think.

My late DH and I were together for 20 years. When he was unwell he had to take pills that led to ED so if I had been relying on him instigating sex to know he fancied me, I would have been waiting forever! He would tell me he fancied me, would wolf whistle occasionally if I was walking around in undies or naked, or would tell me he thought I looked sexy. He would also kiss me and hug me regularly, and he told me that he loved me every day. I had no doubt that he was attracted to me, despite my weight gain and ageing!