He wants to leave me

[Saddsunshine]

Hi there. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do.
I didn't see this coming, husband of 3 years (together for 16) has announced today he wants a divorce.
We have two beautiful children 12 & 6.
We have a beautiful home although it's rented.
No red flags, no warning
Up until last week there was still intimacy, then it all just suddenly stopped. I look after my body, I always make an effort with my appearance. But it just stopped.

Today I questioned it, and I'm kinda sorry I did now. Because all hell was unleashed. And I didn't see it coming.
I don't know what to do or think

I’m sorry for your plight. You are in a terrible situation. I would advise that you see a good solicitor as soon as possible. You can’t make him stay but you can look after yourself and your daughters.

I'm so sorry...

could it be the pressure of lock down ? does he need space ?

what did he actually say ?

Thanks mdh2020.
He works and is the breadwinner here, I have no income. Not sure how I would pay for a solicitor let alone anything else in future.
We have a joint bank account (one card which he has)
I'm so confused

So he has been financially controlling you or were you perfectly in agreement with this arrangement? I ask because it’s really important to get your financial situation sorted even though your head is all over the place.

I’m not sure what you mean by all hell was unleashed. Do you mean he told you he’s been unhappy for a while and listed your faults?

Op thoughts are with you you have two beautiful dc and somehow you'll find a way to make things work for you and your girls.

One account and one card which he holds? What century are you in? He must be controlling in other ways, I fear. Personally I would take him up on his offer but one way or another you must get legal advice and get what is fair i.e. More than half of all the assets and pensions.

Just to clarify I don't mean make it work with him you deserve someone who appreciates who you are get legal advice.

I'm so sorry OP 💐. My DH did similar to me before Christmas and it was a total shock. All I can say is it does get better although it won't feel like it right now. As pp have said, try and get some legal advice as soon as you can. Try CAB if you can't afford a solicitor, or some do a free half hour. Look after yourself too. Try and get some sleep (I found nytol helped), eat and perhaps write your thought down to help you try and process them.

I never questioned it, I always use the card when I need something myself, buy online etc. I never saw the need to think it odd to be honest.

I questioned today why he wasn't coming in for cuddles in bed anymore as he usually would, and pointed out that for a week, no intimacy where there usually is,
All he said was

You know why. I'm done.
I want a divorce.

I was diagnosed with depression a while ago, but that's all been totally under control compared to previous years.
No major arguments until today.
Faults were pointed out. Its all come from nowhere. He hasn't even said that he's felt unhappy for a while, I asked him since when has he felt like this and he couldn't give me an answer.

Looking back. No red flags.
He doesn't suffer with mental health. He has friends, an amazing job with great pay and flexible hours. He has his own hobbies outside of me, so we're not constantly on top of eachother. We've always supported eachother in whatever it is we do.

He knows I could never afford our home, which our kids love, on my own.
He knows how much I love him, I've always made sure thats known.

I feel so lost, I know kids are resilient but I know this will break our oldest dd
we have so many positives in our lives,

He has an amazing job, he has interests and hobbies, you make sure he feels loved. Where are you in all of this?

See a solicitor.
Your dd will not be broken. He is not leaving her. , please dont let her take your pain as if its hers. It isn't..

Im sorry its such a shock, that's crap..and some. Have you got close friends and family you can turn to?

I have a couple of friends I could talk to I just didn't want to jump the gun too quick on this

My dd recently confessed to feelings of depression and thoughts of self harm, been working so hard and building dd back up again. I'd hate for this to tear dd down now.

He has now said he does still love me, I am utterly flabbergasted

Tell him he has done serious damage by his earlier words and you need some space from him.

Still loves me, still wants to end it. Makes utterly no sense to me whatsoever.

I did not see this coming.

Cherchez la femme!

You're incredibly vulnerable financially so you need legal and financial advice ASAP.

Collage all financial and legal information and paperwork asap.

If that "intimacy" inc unprotected sex I'd urge you to get a full Sti screening ASAP too.

Men don't leave for no obvious reason! Lots of them are "monkeys" who won't leave one relationship until they're fairly certain another is firmly grasped!

Sounds like you're getting the beginning of the cheaters script - listing your faults etc

I know you'll probably deny the possibility but I want you to be prepared as it is fairly likely.

Could there be someone else?

Cherchez la femme is right.

Are you married, OP? Do you have any shared assets? Whose name is on the tenancy?

Sounds very odd behaviour from him with no reason given :-(

Sadly I think you will need to prepare yourself for much worse to come, in the form of another woman.

I’ve seen it time and time again in real life and on here. Men don’t tend to just up and leave a lovely wife and children, home and lifestyle for nothing. I sincerely hope I’m wrong op.

He’s messing with your head right now by telling you he still loves you but wants a divorce. It’s a bit sudden and extreme, especially when everything has been pretty good between you both.

Look after yourself, you need to be strong xx

I know your in pain and you want him to take it back but he's pulled the trigger on the starting gun and you need to protect yourself.

How much is in the joint account? Is your name actually on the bank account or do just class it as 'joint'

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. What a head fuck.
I think I'm your position I would first need to have a really calm and clear conversation where you can both say exactly what's going on and take it from there. Easier said than done I realise but has he not even given any sort of reason? Has he really given no warning signs like working late etc? Has he had mentionitis about anyone in particular recently?

He’s seeing somebody else. I’m sorry but it’s all about him. You’ve had no life of your own by the sounds of your post. What hobbies/friends do you have? You talk about his amazing job. Where are you in all of this? Who are you? He’s got the “disrespect” going on and you’ve been used for a warm bed and child rearing until somebody more exciting came along. Open your eyes. Get a solicitor. Make him leave. Time to woman up

overlooker,
Yes I totally agree he has met somebody.

I feel like there’s a lot missing from your post...understandably you’re in shock & it’s hard to explain everything - just reading between the lines it sounds like there were some arguments, but say no major arguments - what were those tiffs about ?

You say he delivered you some kind of character assassination, but don’t mention one thing he said.

Such a lack of details it’s impossible to know, but it sounds like whether or not there is another person waiting in the wings (and there well could be) he is not stringing you along - he is clearly communicating he wants a divorce. If he said he still loves you it means “I love you but not in love with you”.

I think you need to get to the bank ASAP & find out your financial position while he thinks you’re still fumbling around finding yourself. Can you call your family or friends to talk to ? Can he leave & go elsewhere so you can remain in the house ?

He has met someone else
And he is justifying it by painting you as an awful awful person to himself (and her) so neither of them feel guilty about what he is about to do

Sorry OP