He wants to leave me

[Saddsunshine]

Hi there. I don't know where to turn. I don't know what to do.
I didn't see this coming, husband of 3 years (together for 16) has announced today he wants a divorce.
We have two beautiful children 12 & 6.
We have a beautiful home although it's rented.
No red flags, no warning
Up until last week there was still intimacy, then it all just suddenly stopped. I look after my body, I always make an effort with my appearance. But it just stopped.

Today I questioned it, and I'm kinda sorry I did now. Because all hell was unleashed. And I didn't see it coming.
I don't know what to do or think

There's another woman in the picture, guaranteed.

Practically, go to the bank (or online )and get a statement , order your own card and use that to pay a solicitor.
Also get evidence of savings accounts if you can.
Don't beg him to stay , be calm and practical (you can cry with friends). He wants this so let him have it , be angry.
You'll need to try and get a job at some point and he'll have to pay maintenance.
Obviously no one knows if there's another woman, don't do the 'pick me dance'.

OP, if there's another woman, read this magnificant blog and stay strong.

www.chumplady.com/stupid-shit-cheaters-say/

I agree with others, he has a love interest.

He wants to leave, lusts your faults, can put his finger on when it all started to go wrong.

But he loves you, keep you holding on just in case it doesn't work out with OW.

Get your shit together and see a solicitor. Get to the bank today and get a bank card for you. Open your own account.

Good job he’s got great pay because you will be taking a whopping chunk of it! I rarely say there’s another woman, but this has all the signs, some men act like complete twats when lust reignites and logical thought totally goes out the window , they can still love/really like you too, but their dick takes prescedence.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP.
This sounds to me like he has met someone else. It has all the classic signs of it.
It comes out of the blue. Intimacy suddenly stops. Then he announces he wants a divorce. He then begins to list all your faults (this is to justify what he is doing). He begins to rewrite history (he was never happy or he hasn't been happy for a couple of years etc etc).
My ex did this to me three times - more fool me. I am pretty certain he hadn't started a physical relationship with any of them before he announced he was leaving but he was certainly flirting with them on WhatsApp. He left twice and then nothing happened with the other women, they didn't want him. He came crawling back and I stupidly took him back. The third time though, I recognized the signs and got rid of him permanently.
His modus operandi was exactly the same as your DH's.

Go to the bank and see if you can get a card for the joint account. Discuss options with them.
Then get to a solicitor and ask for advice.

Tell DH he needs to move out immediately to give you space- he can go to family or friends.

How are you today OP?

@Saddsunshine

Still loves me, still wants to end it. Makes utterly no sense to me whatsoever.

I did not see this coming.

I'm so sorry, but I agree with others that there may be someone else involved. Of course none of us can know that for sure, but time and time again I have seen posts on here where the husband has said things like 'I love you but I'm not in love with you', 'I don't know what I want' etc etc and in most cases it later turned out there was someone else.

Your about post that he still loves you but still wants to end it. This was literally my husband last year. And yep, turns out his head had been turned. Nothing ever happened (I do know that for sure), I don't think she was even ever aware of his feelings but he developed a major crush and decided in his mind he didn't want our relationship any more.

There's been a lot of heartache and counselling and god knows what else, but we're still together. Initially I did the 'pick me dance' and basically made a complete fool of myself trying to show him what an amazing thing we had and what a perfect wife I was. Please don't do it, I made myself ill, my mental health was in the toilet. Eventually I finally wised up and decided actually if I wasn't good enough then he could fuck right off. Obviously he then realised what a complete twat he was and realised how good he actually had it. He cut all contact with her, turned down any work that would involve working with her and put more effort into our relationship.

Even despite all the above, my advice to you would be to just let him leave. Just end it now, tell him if he's not happy then the door is over there. Even though me and my husband are generally happy most of the time and we put more effort into our relationship than we ever did before - it's just not the same. I don't think I'll ever look at him in the same way and I'll never get rid of the knowledge that for a short time, he didn't want me and thought he wanted someone else. It's very hard to get past that and I know I'll always wonder if I'd be happier now if I'd left him.

Thanks everyone.
I'm not in the best head space today.
Nothing has been mentioned today at all.
He's gone to work.
Dds have no idea

I appreciate all advice I truly do
I'm so upset.

for you op.
I'm afraid I have seen this scenario before and it was another woman.
The sudden vilification is the clincher.

@Saddsunshine

This is a devastating experience for you and it's no surprise that you're not in the best headspace.

Whether or not anything has been mentioned today, you may well find it helpful to take some practical steps so that you are well protected if there is a divorce. Taking these steps doesn't mean that you will have to divorce him but the more information and knowledge you have, the better off you will be.

I think a good first step would be to talk to the bank and find out how much money is in the account and get your own direct access to it. Ideally open up your own bank account and transfer some money into it for immediate expenses. You are entitled to funds in order to obtain legal advice. By being an SAHM, you have facilitated his work and his lifestyle and avoided other child-care related expenses which would otherwise have been incurred if you had been working so this has had a financial value to the relationship even if it is hard to quantify. Therefore, you should not feel bad about transferring some money to yourself.

Unpopular opinion. I don't think he met someone else. But men tend to not speak about emotions. So he might have been physically with you still and even sexually, but in his head he checked out long time ago and nothing you can change about that.

Talk with your friends. I know you don't want to, because talking to them makes it real and you just want it all to be a nightmare and you want to wake up. But this is reality. So get your support system up. And your dd is going to be OK. Because you know her
And you know your own history with depression so you know how to help her. Your soon to be ex will still be her dad. Nothing changes that. But if he chooses to check out of his dad relationship as well, then make sure to always tell her the truth about him but that you will always be there for her.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you but speaking from experience (this is EXACTLY what my ex husband did) it really points to the fact that someone else is involved.
you really need to get your ducks in a row, speak to friends and close family and don't make any rash decisions

@overlooker

He’s seeing somebody else. I’m sorry but it’s all about him. You’ve had no life of your own by the sounds of your post. What hobbies/friends do you have? You talk about his amazing job. Where are you in all of this? Who are you? He’s got the “disrespect” going on and you’ve been used for a warm bed and child rearing until somebody more exciting came along. Open your eyes. Get a solicitor. Make him leave. Time to woman up

Yes I think this sounds right. Sounds like he doesn't even think of you as an actual person with their own life but just a person to service his needs. Whatever happens going forward get your own job, your own money, your own friends, your own house. Don't live life on the back of a man.

OP I'm in your exact situation, happened in March. Always amazes me how internet people who have never met either of you can 'guarantee' an OW. There hasn't been one in my case so far.

I can see you're getting plenty of practical support on here, but if you need any emotional support you're more than welcome to PM me.

Look after yourself and your girls, my girls are doing brilliantly and it's made me really proud, I hope you can get the same feeling from yours

OP I'm in your exact situation, happened in March. Always amazes me how internet people who have never met either of you can 'guarantee' an OW. There hasn't been one in my case so far.

I can see you're getting plenty of practical support on here, but if you need any emotional support you're more than welcome to PM me.

Look after yourself and your girls, my girls are doing brilliantly and it's made me really proud, I hope you can get the same feeling from yours

Thankyou all.
I'm going to phone CAB tomorrow, I have no idea when it comes to what I'm entitled to, hopefully they can help too?
The thought of a life without him scares me to death, did not think it would come to this.
Hopefully I can find something in terms of work
Utterly heart broken, everything hurts

OP, you need to prioritise your financial position. Work out how you’ll pay your bills and where you and DC will be living as a priority.

Oh OP. How sad for you.

Realistically, he has been thinking about this for a while. You are weeks or months behind him in planning - and he may not be being honest with you. There may (well) be another woman. He may have been squirrelling away money for a while.

Time to get practical for a while. You must be reeling but there will be time to work on your feelings later.

Whilst he is out of the house, see if you can find and photocopy, or photograph any useful financial documents - pension statement, bank statement, savings accounts. He may be the exception to the rule and own up to everything, but most men seem to be rather forgetful when declaring their earnings/savings.

Has he left you the bank card for today. Yy to using it to go into the bank and ordering yourself a second card. If he hasn't, borrow it tonight to get a few bits from the supermarket and go to the cashpoint - get a print out of the balance, so that you know how much is in there today.

Wishing you well through this. It will be the hardest thing that you have done, but it will, one day in the future, hurt less. You will laugh again one day. It just won't feel like it for a while yet.

And keep on posting. You will get good advice on here.

I'll make an appointment with the bank too,
On top of losing him, I don't want to lose our home, my dc are so happy here.
I don't know what to think at the moment sorry for short replies, head is a mess of feelings while being with my dc.

Has anyone got the script? To show the OP, as there is definitely another woman in the background. Been through the similar OP. Its a shock but you will be fine.

It will hurt like nothing else and the emotions will come in waves and you may cry more than you ever have.

Heartache is real so prepare for feeling unwell but try to eat t9 maintain strength.

I also agree that it seems like someone else has caught his attention. I don't say that to add more pain but it does help to explain his irrational behaviour.

The sudden switch off is very typical and his lack of hurt is because he might feel excited for the future. Often these men wake up to what they have lost, only after you have recovered and moved on.

Keep talking and get support, don't be afraid to tell close friends as it will help.

Very sad for you and it's incredibly worrying but as someone who has come out the other side I want to say you will be fine. I was you 18 months ago and now I'm happy, just moved in with my new dp, finances were very amicably sorted and I'm good friends with ex - it's possible. Keep talking, put the kids central to the discussions, and ensure that you are focused on both being happy.

Very sad for you and it's incredibly worrying but as someone who has come out the other side I want to say you will be fine. I was you 18 months ago and now I'm happy, just moved in with my new dp, finances were very amicably sorted and I'm good friends with ex - it's possible. Keep talking, put the kids central to the discussions, and ensure that you are focused on both being happy.

Thankyou all so much