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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this sound like Aspergers?

79 replies

horribledads · 05/07/2020 17:10

It's been suggested that my dad might have Aspergers. He has never been tested as far as I know. My dad is not a particularly nice person, so please don't take this to mean that people with Aspergers aren't nice.

He has no problem making eye contact or getting jokes. In fact he can be very funny when he wants.

He used to tell us that he never wanted children and that he had us because my mother kept forgetting to take contraception. He used to get very drunk and drive us places. When he was meant to be looking after us he would drink and fall asleep often burning holes in the furniture where he dropped a cigarette.

He said he never wanted to have a family or get married and he would sit in the shed by himself drinking. He wanted complete silence at the dinner table. He would hit me on the hands with the back of a knife if I held my knife or fork wrong.

He was always after an argument and we would scatter when he got in drunk. He once picked me up and threw me up a flight of stairs He liked to quietly wind us up by doing the same thing repetitively.

He moved very far away to another country and lived by himself in a field for a long time (20 years). He has never had another long term relationship.

He tells you exactly what he thinks with no consideration for your feelings. For example, when I was a child I bought him a CD and when I asked him if he liked it, he said no, the recording is bad. I also bought him very expensive tickets for a show, he was in the best seats I could afford and he told me that the sound was bad and he didn't enjoy it.

When he moved away I asked if he wanted to meet before he left and he said no, he didn't have time.

He would call very early on a Sunday, 7am and I would ask him not to call so early and he would start ranting about how I should be up and how lazy I was. When I said that it was the only day I got to lie in past 7am, he said that didn't matter.

He has no worries about telling you something negative about your appearance. For example, your hair looks dry. Your legs look fat.

Does that sound like Aspergers as someone suggested that to him or do you think it's something else? I don't know anything about Aspergers really, so apologies again if this is wrong.

OP posts:
JoyFreeCake · 06/07/2020 11:32

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

If you have a child on the spectrum of course you want to tell the world how lovely they are.

Not at all. My aspie is loud, infuriating, obnoxious, occasionally impulsive, lazy, hard work, funny, affectionate, fussy, capable of getting on my last nerve, fun-loving and mischievous. Just like every other 3 year old ever, NT or otherwise.

There is simply no justification for linking Aspergers (itself a rather discredited term - although it doesn’t bother me) with the kind of behaviors described in the OP.

Quite. He may have Asperger's as well as being a cunt, and a few details in the follow-up posts sound a little bit like some aspects of Asperger's, but from the original post there's nothing that sounds like Asperger's.
RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 06/07/2020 11:37

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HoppingPavlova · 06/07/2020 11:57

Another with an adult child with Aspergers and nothing you have written indicates this.

Just sounds like a sadistic cunt.

The only thing that sounds close is the honest response about the tape and concert. Mine would give an honest appraisal if asked but would never ever say things that set out to hurt as you have described. They would rather die than deliberately be cruel. Needless to say they are sometimes confused when something they have said has upset someone by being direct or honest and they are not at all happy as they are such a gentle soul that never deliberately means any hurt, upset or offence.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is any type of excuse or explanation for your dads behaviour.

RLEOM · 06/07/2020 12:26

I'd say he's a cunt and possibly on the spectrum by what you've said so far.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 06/07/2020 12:39

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horribledads · 06/07/2020 14:37

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus you've made your feelings very clear. Well done. You have a child who is not NT so therefore, it is up to you to police anything anyone says about any NT condition. I get it.

I did not say that people with Asperger's are all psychopaths and abusive.

It's not for you to tell what I can and cannot post on a public forum about my own father. And to tell someone who was the victim of terrible childhood abuse that they are just like their dad, who abused them, knocks you off whatever high horse you seem to have placed yourself on.

I have no interest in what you have to say about this or anything else. You carry on throwing your toys out of your pram. You do you dear.

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks01 · 06/07/2020 14:44

I am autistic. I don't abuse my chidren and I don't disengage from family and loved ones.
I think you are looking for reason as to why he treats you and other people so appallingly. Sometimes the simplest answer is the right answer...

He is a horrid man.

I do understand why you do this but your post is offensive.

horribledads · 06/07/2020 14:50

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose my dad. Apologies (again) if that wasn't clear from my post. Diagnosis for any condition should be done by a professional.

I was just wondering if he had any traits that someone could recognise. I have wondered as well if I am on the spectrum because I have similar traits and my granddad did too apparently. However, it seems I'm wrong, the person who mentioned it was wrong and we're all just cunts.

Thank you to those who did try to help, posting was obviously a mistake on what seems to be a very emotive subject.

OP posts:
SionnachRua · 06/07/2020 14:53

Well he could be autistic - he is definitely a cunt though. People with autism can be cunts, majority are not. It is exactly the same with NT people.

OP I wouldn't waste your time on the idea. It essentially excuses him from being in control of his abusive behaviour. Cut. Him. Off. I have an abusive autistic sibling who I've cut out of my life (because he's a cunt, not because he's autistic per se). My family will excuse the behaviour but I won't and it is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I urge you to do the same and free yourself.

I would get to therapy if you can as it seems like you have a lot of traumas coming to the surface.

SionnachRua · 06/07/2020 14:56

And tbh OP, you're traumatised from a deeply abusive upbringing and are looking for reasons as to why he was so horrible to you. If he were autistic, it would be easier to explain the behaviour away - before someone jumps on me I'm not saying I agree with it but the thought process is understandable. It is harder to think that he really was that awful and had no mitigating circumstances.

I get it OP. I would try to put it and him out of your mind and focus on you. You deserve it after all of that trauma.

ArriettyJones · 06/07/2020 14:57

OP unfortunately MN is absolutely rife with ableism, one sub-strand of which is little quiches of spouses diagnosing their own and each other’s unpleasant partners with autism and then slagging them (and autism) off on one long running thread after another.

It’s heightened sensitivities I’m afraid.

Other disabled groups get similar in different corners of MN. It’s intractable, relentless and it feels a bit like having your skin flayed off when it’s directed at you, your comrades or your children. Really the bitchiness is indescribable.

There is a good book by Ms (Claire???) Sainsbury called something like Alien in the Playground on her experience as a girl with aspergers. Tony Atwood’s books on autism are also very good.

Try those as a starting point, would be my suggestion. Good luck Flowers

Yeahnahmum · 06/07/2020 14:58

He doesn't sound like a man with aspergers at all. He sounds like a man that sincerely hates his kids/ being a dad.

notthemum · 06/07/2020 15:17

Sorry I haven't RTFT. I was so incensed by the fucking idiot who suggested that he has Aspergers.
IMHO (and I do know a lot about this subject) he doesn't have this condition or anything resembling it.
I do not use this word lightly but I am afraid that I have to agree with pp and say that he is a cunt.
Many people these days have decided to jump on the band wagon and claim that their shitty behaviour is down to Aspergers /being on 'the spectrum'. An awful lot of them are just being arse holes and looking for sympathy. Much as I'm sure you would like to think this as a way of excusing his crap please don't. This is bollocks. He doesn't deserve you or the rest of the family. 💐

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 06/07/2020 15:19

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JoyFreeCake · 06/07/2020 18:46

OP you don't seem like a cunt, did one of the deleted posts say that?

Oddgirlout · 06/07/2020 19:03

Yes yes yes @RunningAwaywiththeCircus

Scautish · 06/07/2020 19:41

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

Yes 100%. The constant refrain of arse = Asperger’s on this website is utterly depressing.

gotothecooler · 06/07/2020 22:36

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

It's not for you to tell what I can and cannot post on a public forum about my own father. And to tell someone who was the victim of terrible childhood abuse that they are just like their dad, who abused them, knocks you off whatever high horse you seem to have placed yourself on.

You post whatever you like, but if what you post is offensive (and i happen to think the association you made in your OP was) then other posters don’t need your permission to call it out. And the useful idiots above who chime in “yes he’s a cunt and it sounds like he’s on the spectrum” are beyond parody. (You can read it for yourself).

Would MN allow a post which said “my dad is a real meanie and my friend thinks it might be because...”

  • hes a latent homosexual?
  • he’s converted to Judaism?
  • he’s overweight?
  • he has Middle Eastern ancestry?
  • he went to a comprehensive school?

No. And rightly so because those are irrelevant to that person’s behavior and would be suggestive of bigotry and possibly racism and homophobia on your part.

Now tell me why neurodiverse people are fair game?

ALL THIS. Every bit of it.
Aerial2020 · 07/07/2020 00:45

Being blunt and honest in your opinions is not a 'sign' of asd. Otherwise all rude people would have asd. Wish people would stop using that.
He sounds an emotionally abusive alcoholic narcissist.

ttim985y · 07/07/2020 01:11

Being homosexual, Jewish, overweight etc doesn't cause sensory issues, processing issues etc that can lead to being overwhelmed and manifest themselves in outbursts, meltdowns or behaviour that NTs find undesirable.

I'm autistic and whilst it's good to focus on the positives I don't think it helps anyone to pretend autism is all endearing quirks. It can be very, very hard to live with an autistic family member (or not - there's no one size fits all)

Like anyone else, autistic people are all different.

OP none of us can tell you if he's autistic or not. He'd need to pursue a diagnosis. Some of the things you've said could potentially be traits. The dinner table struck a chord with me as I have massive sensory issues and meal times are a big trigger for me.

He does however sound abusive and autism is no excuse for that.

ttim985y · 07/07/2020 01:23

But Aerial it can be. Being very black and white in thinking, being blunt etc.

What it doesn't mean is that everyone who is autistic is blunt, or that everyone who is blunt is autistic.

There are enough things mentioned by OP that could suggest autism, so when considered together may lead to the thought that it's a possibility. There are also many things mentioned that seem more like just abuse/alcoholism.

I just don't think the OP needs to be berrated for considering autism as one possibility.

I spent my entire life thinking I was a bad person, a 'broken' neurotypical. Being told I should be able to cope with things like everyone else or behave in certain ways when actually no- one understood the sensory issues I was experiencing that were causing this behaviour. These days I know why certain things happen, I know my limits, I know how to deal with a lot of my sensory issues. The people around me understand them better now too and can help in that way.

I hate the stereotyping that autistic people get but I also hate behaviours and actions being dismissed because that's what i went through for 30 years.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 07/07/2020 07:17

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Aerial2020 · 07/07/2020 07:46

Yep runningaway with the circus.

TartanTuesday · 07/07/2020 07:56

I don't think it [his abusive behaviour] has anything to do with me.

Oh sweetheart of course it's got nothing to do with you, the child you didn't "deserve" this treatment.

These people who are your parents are evil and abusive, physically and mentally. You haven't mentioned too much about your mum's physical abuse, but you seem to have survived as a well rounded individual.

Please don't spare another minute thinking of these abusers and maybe think about counselling if you think that would help.

2coffeesinbed · 07/07/2020 07:57

I have Aspergers.

I find this thread offensive and I don’t usually get offended Sad