Divorce, what settlement is fair and I being naive

[JustBeingMoi]

I'm posting on here a lot so please accept my apologies.

Divorce settlements, what is fair? I desperately want to avoid solicitors. Both my parents were divorced before me. And they both still despise their ex 40 odd years later. I desperately want to avoid this and settle amicably if possible. But I do feel a bit like I'm going to draw the short straw.

Married for 4 years, together for almost 14. Own house jointly. I went back to work part time after I had our child, so care for her 2 working days a week. His salary is twice as much as mine.

He has offered to buy me out of the house with help from his fam and give me half of the equity (no such luck on my part. My family doesn't have that sort of cash). I will now need to find a rental property which are excruciating expensive round here (easily 700 psr month) and I will not be able to manage without universal credit, at least not until I can find a full time job in this wonderful job market. He will have our dd for a reasonable amount of time, so has offered to pay me 200 per month in child maintenance.

You would be incredibly foolish to try and resolve this without a solicitor. And sadly, doing without one is far more likely to mean that one of you feels resentful and as though they were conned.

At least with solicitors involved the decision is made by a neutral party on what is the fairest way of splitting assets. (Impartial judge)

Hi OP, a visit to the Wikivorce website may give you an idea of what a reasonable settlement would be. Get numbers together ie equity in house, debts, salaries, pension valuations and any other assets. The experts on the site will be able to advise you. And don't dismiss the pensions, especially teacher's pensions which can be very valuable and potentially offset against a bigger share of the house. What he is proposing is very much in his favour and unrealistic. You may very well have to fall out with him to get a fair settlement. It is probably unavoidable. Don't let him exploit your vulnerability about your parents divorce. Good luck.

Really pleased to see you're going to consult a solicitor. I am a solicitor (not a divorce solicitor, mind you) and I wouldn't dream of divorcing without involving a solicitor. That is far and away the best way to protect yourself. Also, having solicitors doesn't mean it has to become hugely adversarial but your solicitor should protect you from being steam-rollered into a poor deal.

Glad you posted. It won't be a fair deal if he gets the house and you have to rent. That isn't the way it works. It is about need.

Do you have it written that he will get family support? Look at what a house would cost you, a 2 bed in your area plus the costs to settle in. That is your reasonable claim. Then what mortgage can you get, assume you will be able to up your hours. Have you asked work?

What is his pension worth? Do you have a CETV for yours? Apply for it but keep it close to your chest.

Shop around for a mortgage broker who will give a mortgage valuation that includes court order CMS. It may be appropriate that you are offered enhanced CMS for a period of time to allow you to get back on your feet.

Upshot is he has been greedy. A court could award you greater equity so you can get a place especially if his pension is higher and he has the opportunity of family money.

Why are you separating? Sounds like he is an horrible man so suspect he is used to getting his own way.

He's not your friend in this, he's trying to get the best deal for him, not you

I'd do what Techway suggested, start from what do you need to rehouse you. What is a 2 bedroom flat/house in your area? See a mortgage broker and find out what mortgage you can get, then work out what % of the equity you need to make that work. It may be be there's not enough assets in the relationship to make that work, but if possible that's what I'd be working towards. Take that to the lawy

Hit post accidentally
Take that to the solicitor along with the list if assets and debts and see if that's a reasonable settlement. Your stbxh is not being fair and reasonable in the settlement he's offering so you need a professional opinion on what is legally fair and reasonable.

Definitely use a solicitor, I tried “amicable” and he has dragged it out almost 2 years now. If I filed for financial proceedings at the start just in case at least I would have had something to push it forward. You only get one chance at this. Also you won’t receive universal credit if you have savings so best to either stay if you can or have enough to buy another. That’s the fighting position of my lawyers anyway.

Glad to hear you are going to a solicitor
You can save time and money by doing some prep. So by having details of all assets including pensions, debt, how much time DD will spend with you and how much with your ex. Even if you don’t have a solicitor you can’t reach a settlement without knowing that.

Please don’t settle on the basis that it will keep things amicable. It really won’t. Good luck

Hello, sorry haven't read through all the replies here but have you considered mediation? We used one and I thought it was a really supportive process, mediator was great, practical, balanced, got everything out on the table and asked / suggested lots of helpful things. They help you to go through all the finances and work out an agreement. They are not allowed to sign off on anything that does not constitute a fair deal. You then go to a solicitor to check that the agreement is fair. It's not cheap but you share the cost and much cheaper than a solicitor for all the work.

I was happy with what we agreed, the solicitor I saw advised that it was fair, also that I could come out with more if I took it through the courts but any gain made that way would be lost in the fees I would pay to go through that process.

Whichever way you go, good luck, not an easy time so make sure you have lots of support.

his teachers pensions could be worth as much as your house!

I did a straight swap. The house (equity in) for no claim on his pension. He'd only been teaching about 10/12 years and it was worth about 150k

If he has long service in teaching it is also worth paying for a better valuation than.the one the tps provides. The value of the spouse pension on death is huge and not taken into account as much by tps
It costs £1k about for this, so if you get a higher valuation by more than a few £k it's worth doing

Another vote for mediation - only took us two one hour sessions to agree on a settlement after months of solicitors doing their thing and racking up fees. The mediator does not take sides and nor are they permitted to give legal advice but, they advise on what the law says and what a judge is likely to say/do if your case went court. It definitely made my exH behave and stop messing about and saying stupid things he'd 'heard down the pub'. What your DH is proposing is way off; it's not as easy as all that and much more to consider, as pp have said. Get an hour's advice from a solicitor this week and take control. Good luck OP.

Thank you @legallybleachblonde. I will look into mediation too.

Having solicitors doesn't destroy relationships post divorce. It's the behaviour of the parties that destroys relationships. Imagine solicitors are people who come in survey your life and work out what you need and are entitled to going forward. Only someone who wanted to take advantage of you would have a problem with that. 50/50 split doesn't apply when there are children to provide for and you have taken a career break and reduced your income etc

Just to quickly add - I had mediation with my exh and it was a bit of a waste of time really as ex wouldn't listen to a word mediator said and I think she was a bit intimidated by him. Can work well for some people though.

The really important thing is the solicitor; try to get one who comes recommended and don't forget that you don't have to go with the first one you see... I saw three and the third one was so much better than the first two. He gave me a huge amount of professional and moral support - I would never have got through it without him.

I suspect that it will come down to 50/50 because it's a short marriage, and you earn similar wages - he only earns twice what you earn because he's full time.

If you both have public sector pensions, they'll also be comparable and two years of part-time contributions is negligible over a lifetime.

Whether the CM he has offered is fair depends on how often he will have your child overnight.

I would think house and any savings/investments split 50/50 (with some weighting in your favour regarding furnishings), pensions left as they are.

You do need to see a solicitor, but go with realistic expectations. It doesn't have to be acrimonious, many negotiations aren't.

The years spent co-habiting directly before marriage are considered towards the length of the "marriage" so this won't be viewed as a short marriage and at the heart of it both parties needs are to be considered as there is a child involved.

Just wanted to add something the mediator said to us - 'the fairness needs to be spread equally but so does the unfairness'. Have realistic expectations - basically, you get treated as a balance sheet. If, after looking at your assets, liabilities and total individual financial needs you're both breaking about even in disposal cash, then the split will be more or less even. But again, dont take your DH's word for it. Get the advice first based on your circumstances - no two cases are the same.

Just remember, he seems happy to see you screwed over. It's not solely your job to be peace keeper.

I’m glad you’re going to see a solicitor OP. My ex was keen to keep solicitors away. He wanted to buy me out and keep the house. I would have walked away with the kids plus £25k and being a student at the time I would have had to spend that on rent.

My solicitor allowed me to set up a direct debit and pay what I could over time. He was worth every penny. In the end I got the house + £7k which was 60: 40 split as ex didn’t include various assets of his including pension in his offer.

I sold the house to one more manageable once I’d got myself a job after being a student (solicitor also negotiated that ex would stay in mortgage for 3 years to cover that). I love where I am and am content.

So solicitors are invaluable. My life, and my kids lives, would have been much much harder had I taken ex’s first offer.

especially teacher's pensions which can be very valuable and potentially offset against a bigger share of the house

First rule of divorce - never offset pension for equity to stay in a property you can't afford.

@rawlikesushi will the length of time we have cohabited not count? We have lived together for over 10 years.

Definitely go to a solicitor, he is trying to screw you over. Did he tell you his pension wasn't much? A teachers pension is huge and will be a massive asset.

Teacher pensions are really great. I don’t know where you get the idea that it won’t be. It will be one of the biggest assets.