Divorce, what settlement is fair and I being naive

[JustBeingMoi]

I'm posting on here a lot so please accept my apologies.

Divorce settlements, what is fair? I desperately want to avoid solicitors. Both my parents were divorced before me. And they both still despise their ex 40 odd years later. I desperately want to avoid this and settle amicably if possible. But I do feel a bit like I'm going to draw the short straw.

Married for 4 years, together for almost 14. Own house jointly. I went back to work part time after I had our child, so care for her 2 working days a week. His salary is twice as much as mine.

He has offered to buy me out of the house with help from his fam and give me half of the equity (no such luck on my part. My family doesn't have that sort of cash). I will now need to find a rental property which are excruciating expensive round here (easily 700 psr month) and I will not be able to manage without universal credit, at least not until I can find a full time job in this wonderful job market. He will have our dd for a reasonable amount of time, so has offered to pay me 200 per month in child maintenance.

How much is his take home pay?

I would also suggest to see a solicitor, I wanted to avoid it but couldn't really considering some of his behaviour, he was also offering to buy me out of some of the house, but had all these stipulations. My parents persuaded me to see a solicitor and her advice has been invaluable, costs are not that much considering if a financial settlement in reached quickly

Please see a solicitor

@JustBeingMoi

His offer of £200 pcm for your daughter suggests his gross income is not above £28,300 per annum. Is this correct?

Secondly, you can retain the home until your daughter is 18 and then may have to settle up with him at that time (it called a Mesher order). Kids come first.

Tempered against all this is your needs to and the ability to restart, retrain or renew your career. That points towards you needing a settled location.

A lot will revolve around his and your situation, but also step back and ask yourself if he and his family are going to be reasonable to the mother of their daughter / grand-daughter.

How old is your child and how long have you been part time?

What’s His earnings ? £200 cms dues t suggest it’s high if that’s the correct amount in which case spousal ya highly unlikely

You’ll also be expected to maximise your income possibly by a return to full time work

What total assets are there ?

@RB68 OK, some fab advice there so thank you very much. I dont really want to move anywhere too far away as I have my support network here.

Right, totally naive then! Half of these things i hadn't even considered. Especially not pensions. He's a teacher, so it won't be exceptional, but he has one. I am lucky to be civil service so also have one, but obviously what I'm paying in has gone down.

Don't worry too much at this point about things becoming adversarial. Priority is that you get a fair deal. The window for that is finite. You might like to find a solicitor signed up to Resolution. They pledge to minimise conflict as far as possible. Worked well for my divorce resolution.org.uk/publications-books/code-in-practice-leaflet-for-clients/

Right, totally naive then! Half of these things i hadn't even considered.
That's why you need to see a solicitor - they will talk to you about things you haven't considered and make sure you get a fair settlement.
I know solicitors are expensive but it's worth it so that you don't get ripped off with this crap settlement he is offering you.

@millymollymoomoo. I've been working part time for nearly 2 years. @jackdaw141 His income pre tax is 38,000. Assets are house minus debt.

Sorry, here's a top level link resolution.org.uk/

The LEAST you should consider is half of all the assets (equity, pensions, cars, savings) and CMS level of maintenance. You can calculate CMS maintenance here:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

And, as others have said, perhaps more if you have sacrificed career.

You have to get legal advice. And how much is a reasonable amount of time that he is having the kids?. He's going to walk away with the house, kids less than half the time so he can get a new life together easily, good salary, probably intact pensions? Paying £200 a month maintenance...while you get what? a rented place you can't afford, lower salary, kids more than half the time so you're going to struggle getting your life together. Don't worry about falling out for 40 years. Worry about getting what you deserve today.

And honestly... He's going to keep the house, he knows you're going to be paying through the nose by renting and he can't even half the furniture/white goods that he only purchased because you were the one earning less because you were taking care of the kids? Not great in my opinion. Don't let yourself get walked over.

Please see a solicitor. Don't rely on a mesher order, my friend was told by her solicitor that the courts favour clean breaks these days and spousal is unlikely at his wage. You will also likely get mortgage paid or maintenance, not both. But there are pensions and various other things at play here. My mother didn't get legal advice and was totally screwed. She really regrets that now.

Work out if you can afford to keep the house on, you may need to up your hours.

Legal advice - someone who is recommended - SHL - and take the advice. Until that can happen just grey rock him. Please

Op I’ve been in this situation.

Thought I could do it without solicitor, but yours is already being unreasonable saying he paid for white goods so they are his. It doesn’t work like that. Everything has to be split fairly.

You gave up work for childcare while he continue to earn more and his pension will be more, his future earnings will infinite to be more than yours.

All this needs to be done properly- I know solicitors cost a lot but it will be worth it in the end.

Thank you everyone. I will go to a solicitor

Ok so you've recognised you've been a bit naive the next step is understanding if your naturally passive. Do you allow him to make the decisions?

If the answer is yes then you want absolutely everything is to go through solicitors - the fact he's a teacher and your child is 2 or 3 means unless he plans on forking out on childcare throughout the week you'll still be resident parent and he cant even bring himself to let you have the washing machine to look after your child. Fuck him.

Also a teaching pensions is absolutely brilliant, my mum gets 3/4 quarters of her salary from retirement age - this will be alot more than you think it is.

Will you be able to up your working hours?

If you agree a residency split that includes him having week days and week nights then insist that pays for childcare for those days.

I wonder if him being a teacher means he expects EOW and then most of the school holidays therefore no childcare costs but you will need to carry on paying through school holidays to retain her place.

If you work full time, get more than 50% equity and don't pay for all the childcare costs you may well afford the house or to buy via shared ownership!!!

Teachers have pensions on a par with civil service!! The old days of amazing CS pensions vanished about 18 years ago, it's depressing how rubbish mine and my DHs is... no retiring at 60 that's for sure!

Also you would benefit if he has to cover nursery pick up and drop off for one overnight midweek every week - means less pressure on you at work also ensure it's clear that DD is in his care for those 24 hours - so if she is sick or childcare gets cancelled he needs to source an alternative or not go into work.

Basically if he isn't prepared to fund you working part time then you are no longer default parent on weekdays just because you have been up until now because "he's a teacher" he is effectively becoming a single parent on his days!

He’s not a high earner so I really think spousal is out of the question but you do need to consider pensions.
You’ve also not been out full time workplace long and disadvantaged long

I don't know if this will work for you but when my H left, he wanted us to sell the house and split everything. We had been together for a similar amount of time as yourself and had one child in their early teens who spent the majority of the time with me. I was also working 3 days and he earned a lot more than me.
I couldn't afford a solicitor and starting looking at properties with a view to purchasing from the sale of the family home. Everything I could afford was in run down areas.
Then I had a light bulb moment, why didn't I buy him out by 're- mortgaging the house? Now I not saying this is possible for you, it depends on the value of the house and there was money still owed on it, but I paid less than the cost of renting by renegotiating my fixed rate mortgage every two years and had a repayment only one.
I told ex H that wouldn't ask for his pension, if he didn't ask for mine. I also pointed out that as he was the biggest earner, we should split 60/40 in my favour or we could both waste money on solicitors fees to reach a settlement.
Reluctantly he agreed. I'm not saying it was easy and I had to increase my working hours.
I also conducted our divorce by doing everything myself, again a fair amount of running about but it saved a fortune.
I finally paid off the mortgage after 17 years and have the satisfaction of knowing the house is all mine.
BTW I am not in a highly paid job, much less than the national average.
Obviously everyone's circumstances are different but it might be worth you looking into.

Good luck!

Also don't get suckered into you having your DD all week and him having her all week and most of the holidays because he's a teacher. You deserve downtime with your daughter too...

Is mediation a possibility if you really don't want to go to solicitor? Although I think you should go to a solicitor.

Before you go to keep costs down write down all the assets and debts in the relationship. Cars, shares, both pension values, house value, contents assets (TV, fridge, washing machine etc) any big ticket items you'll need to replace, amount in savings or offset accounts, amount in any joint or personal bank account if its a significant amount. Things bought during the marriage are joint no matter who purchased. And all debts, outstanding mortgage balance, any personal loans, or overdrafts or outstanding credit cards.