Ex monitoring DC through FaceTime

[Whatisthismadness]

Does anyone else have an ex DP who monitors what their DC is up to through FaceTime? I have a DS (7) who has an iPad. He's allowed to FaceTime family through it, especially due to lockdown. I do limit the amount of time he spends on it.

For the past few months my ex DP has been FaceTiming him at least once a day, even though he has him to stay once a week.

He asks him what he's doing that day, what he's had for breakfast, what time he woke up etc.

I don't mind the odd call but this is getting ridiculous - I walked out of the shower in a towel this morning and there was my ex's face staring straight back at me (he'd called DS whilst I was in the shower).

My DS is fine to talk to his Dad, but it is never him asking to FaceTime.

I have spoken to my ex and explained that I feel like it's an intrusion of my time, and my time with DS but he refuses to listen. He was fairly emotionally abusive when we were together and I have just enquired about mediation. The last time I explained why I was uncomfortable with it my ex told me I was emotionally abusing my DS if i didn't let him FaceTime whenever he wanted to.

Does anyone have any idea how to sort this? Thanks x

Can you not set up parental controls on the Ipad to limit the time span the app functions, in effect blocking facetime calls outside of specific time windows?

I don't see why a compromise is impossible here, just set the time windows that work for you and let your ex choose when to call within those slots.

I would agree that this is invasive. Easily solved though. He is 7 so just limit his ipad time severely and/or disable the facetime setting unless you're there to monitor it.
He can have calls at HIS request and you facilitate those.

Thanks all. I didn't realise you could put controls on the FaceTime app?

I do limit his time on the iPad, and have offered set times to my ex, but I got threatened with social services for emotionally abusing our DS has he should be able to FaceTime any time he likes apparently

Offer up twice a week to ft. You are entitled to the enjoyment of your home and dc without a peeping Tom around...

O0, you have my sympathy. My ex decided he was going to FaceTime our ds every two days. I think partly because he was bored and decided to take the opportunity to “get involved”.

By the second call, ds was bored, they had nothing to say to each other because neither was going anywhere or seeing anyone.

And I hated it, it was like having someone peering in the window.

The third time ex called, ds had his headphones on watching a video and didn’t notice the phone ringing Ex kept ringing and got ignored (I was in the garden so couldn’t be blamed).
Then ex sent ds a spreadsheet (!) of when he would call. With lockdown, ds has no idea what day it is so that got ignored too.

Ex now texts me in advance, when he will call, twice a week, at a set time. He learnt pretty quickly that ds would rather play MineCraft than chat.

@Mintjulia It's awful isn't it? It feels exactly like there is someone peeping through the window!

My ex is blocked on my phone (due to the abuse he sends) so he wouldn't be able to text when he was FaceTiming.

I'm sure it's all about control - I've offered set times to call but it's not good enough, it has to be whenever he wants! I'm fed up of the social services threats.

@Mintjulia It's awful isn't it? It feels exactly like there is someone peeping through the window!

My ex is blocked on my phone (due to the abuse he sends) so he wouldn't be able to text when he was FaceTiming.

I'm sure it's all about control - I've offered set times to call but it's not good enough, it has to be whenever he wants! I'm fed up of the social services threats.

Does your child enjoy these calls? As a child of separated parents I would have hated it if my mum had limited the time I was allowed to talk to my dad. DP and I would also never try to limit the contact his children have with their mum when they are here.

Unless there's more to this then I think the right thing to do it put your sons feelings before your own and let him talk to your dad.

Perhaps you could set up a place where your son sits to talk to his dad in a corner where the dad can't see the house or what you're up to?

Having been the child in the situation it's horrible when you feel torn between parents and things like not being allowed to speak to the other parent make them not being together harder.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't like the idea of set times for calls. You deserve some privacy in your life and it's also a good idea for your DS to have stability, so calls at a certain time every day/every other day/whatever.
Threatening you with social services is absolutely ridiculous. You may not feel comfortable doing this but I'd be tempted to call his bluff - if he seriously called up SS and said "my ex is emotionally abusing our son because she doesn't let me speak to him whenever I want to, as much as I want to" they'd dismiss him. But I bet he wouldn't actually do that.
And as a PP said, parental controls for FT is a good idea.

If your son wants his dad to call, then let him BUT with some ground rules.

1. He takes the call in the room with the best WiFi reception. Then no chance of you walking in wearing a towel
2. Tell your dc that whether he chats is his choice, and if he doesn’t want to sometimes, that is fine too.
3. Email your ex and say no calls during school time, as it is a distraction, or after 9pm - bedtime.

Then ignore his threats. He will have nothing to accuse you of.

I think this is really tricky as your ex has been emotionally abusive, and is clearly continuing to try his best to control you. But in general, no I don't think a parent should put controls on a non-resident's face time calls. I think generally it's great to be able to communicate with children as and when.

I like Mint's groundrules above.

I like @Mintjulia's rules too.

My ex seems to think that as DS is his, he should be able to have access 24/7 via FaceTime and he just won't listen to any suggestion that I make.

I agree that the social services threat over the iPad is ridiculous, it's just a long line of controlling behaviour from him that seems to be getting worse.

Set those rules pp have above via text so you have proof. You'll also have proof if he replies via text with a threat of social services.

If he does call them, so what? They'll come out and see a well loved boy in a clean, comfortable home right? So what is the problem?

You can show them the text threats too :)

Also, if he gets nasty - call the police.
You'll have evidence of blackmail ('if you dont allow this then I will do that') or at least, that he is harassing you. Its illegal and you don't have to stand for it.

A father should have the right to communicate with the children when ever they want as long as the children doesn't mind. Not when the mother says.

I think this is a form of control by the mother as well on the child.

I find it annoying that people generally dont answer calls or wont respond and then claim harassment. If you answered the call the 1st time there would be no need to keep ringing.

Forgot to say the mother should always have the option to call the child as well.

@TheBusDriver But if someone is constantly calling and texting you, that IS harassment. You aren't obligated to answer whenever someone rings. Fair enough if they need to get hold of you for something important, or they're worried about you or whatever, but that clearly isn't the case here. It's extremely unfair to expect someone to be on call all the time. OP also very clearly stated above that she had to block her ex on her phone due to him sending abusive messages - the insistence on speaking to the DS whenever he likes seems to be a way of taking back the control that he has lost through not being able to harass the OP any longer. It's odd that you say the OP is the one being controlling, given the backstory.
Also, the OP has the right to set rules within her own household, the same way the father does in his. Stating that he should be able to contact them whenever he likes is unrealistic. What if he decides he wants to call in the middle of the night? While they're eating dinner? Multiple times per day?

Choose the time during the day that best works the tell ex ds will be available for FaceTime at that time.

Then turn off FaceTime in your settings around those times.

My DC have a set place to do video calls with ex - there's a nice blank wall behind them! It's been a few years for us and to begin with it felt so intrusive, but dc have learned they can decline the call if they don't want to speak. I've made that clear to them because it's an important lesson generally, I think... A call is a request, not a command

A call is a request, not a command
I like that!

Please ignore the guff about calling social services, I’m a SW and wouldn’t be at all concerned about this. He is using us as a way to exert emotional abuse and coercive control on you.

Some support for yourself might be good, I’m not sure what area you’re in but there’s a lot of charities for women with emotionally abusive ex partners who can give you great advice and advocate for you. Give it a quick google and see what pops up and give them a call maybe?

Facetime location - make it in ds room with nothing in background.
If ds wants to facetime support it.
Easier to agree set times

Disable FaceTime and manually turn it on when it’s a pre arranged time. If he complains, tell your idiot Ex that 7 is way too young to have unlimited access to a web enabled device. He is more than welcome to complain to SS about your safeguarding measure.

Social services have much more important things to be doing than an ex moaning about facetime. Personally I would put my foot down and say it needs to be between this time and that. No exception. Block facetime before and after those slots. You need to take back control and stop him emotionally blackmailing you.