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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex monitoring DC through FaceTime

72 replies

Whatisthismadness · 03/07/2020 11:50

Does anyone else have an ex DP who monitors what their DC is up to through FaceTime? I have a DS (7) who has an iPad. He's allowed to FaceTime family through it, especially due to lockdown. I do limit the amount of time he spends on it.

For the past few months my ex DP has been FaceTiming him at least once a day, even though he has him to stay once a week.

He asks him what he's doing that day, what he's had for breakfast, what time he woke up etc.

I don't mind the odd call but this is getting ridiculous - I walked out of the shower in a towel this morning and there was my ex's face staring straight back at me (he'd called DS whilst I was in the shower).

My DS is fine to talk to his Dad, but it is never him asking to FaceTime.

I have spoken to my ex and explained that I feel like it's an intrusion of my time, and my time with DS but he refuses to listen. He was fairly emotionally abusive when we were together and I have just enquired about mediation. The last time I explained why I was uncomfortable with it my ex told me I was emotionally abusing my DS if i didn't let him FaceTime whenever he wanted to.

Does anyone have any idea how to sort this? Thanks x

OP posts:
Absolutelunacy · 03/07/2020 16:14

My ex does this and since lockdown his partner has started asking the kids to “shoe her round” under the guise of being interested in what their rooms look like etc. I absolutely hate it, it feels like a constant intrusion

Original poster
Whatisthismadness · 03/07/2020 16:16

Thanks for everyone's suggestions! I have tried the specific time suggestion etc but my ex is adamant that it has to be at any point in the day (obviously he knows that sometimes DS is busy). He has been busy today and we have just come home to 8 missed calls between 10am and 3pm. I don't feel I should have to let the ex know when we are going out for the day?

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 03/07/2020 16:25

If blocked he can’t facetime till you allow it set up the times and that’s that.

Email him once that these are the times and don’t engage over it just repeat it the times.
If he threatened SS let him more fool him

Original poster
Whatisthismadness · 03/07/2020 16:34

I should probably add that my DS only got home from his Dad's last night after spending 3 days there so the FaceTiming today seems a little unnecessary!

OP posts:
titchy · 03/07/2020 16:43

One message to ex: 'DS will be only available for FaceTime calls between 4 and 5.30 on Tuesdays and Fridays. We will review these times once he is back at school full time in September.'

Then stick to those and ignore threats around SS involvement.

WhoWants2Know · 03/07/2020 16:46

At present school is still in session, and I expect my kids to be working on school work during those hours. If they are finished with school work I might let it slide, but then really I would expect them to practice instruments or do their reading until school time is over.

Your ex wouldn't be allowed to contact them any time at school, so he shouldn't be doing it while they are home schooling either.

SandyY2K · 03/07/2020 17:17

He has been busy today and we have just come home to 8 missed calls

I suggest you intermittently block him on your son's device so he can't call at random.

During school hours...block him. Unblock from about 3.30pm till 7pm before bedtime.

Don't tell your DS you're doing this.

Get your son to sit in a designated place when talking to his dad as well. You can have him prop the Ipad on something and tell him he should sit there to keep the Ipad still.

Don't engage with your ex about why he's not able to get in touch at other times.

Original poster
Whatisthismadness · 03/07/2020 17:55

I have tried blocking him and giving him suitable times when he can call DS but that's not good enough, he has to be unblocked all the time or I get grief and threats of social services! It's quite extraordinary really

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/07/2020 18:00

Ignore the grief and let him threaten you - SS will think he's mad. But equally I think you have to be generous with the times, ie from end of school till around 7 every day.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 03/07/2020 18:08

Let him do his worst. Do you imagine ss will call round?
My exh once left me a vm informing me the police and a helicopter were en route as I was keeping his dc from him.
The dc had in fact text him to say they were just finishing an xbox game and would be out in a few minutes..
Ignore ignore ignore.
Get tough op.

Aussiebean · 03/07/2020 18:42

Just because he yells and screams ‘I want’ doesn’t mean he gets.

rbe78 · 03/07/2020 18:58

To offer a different pov: You see your child basically every day. You get to see them first thing in the morning when you wake up, you get to kiss them goodnight every evening. You get to hear how school went that day, snuggle up on the sofa watching telly, hear them playing happily in your house. Every day.

Now imagine your ex was the RP, not you. That you are only allowed to see them on a set day or two. How empty your house would feel, how much you would miss them. And then your ex says you can only speak to your child when he says you can.

I've seen in my partner how hard it is now being the RP sometimes. And how devastated he was when his ex told him he could only phone his kids once a week or she would not allow him to call them at all.

Maybe he's not 'monitoring' your child, but trying to get some insights into his child's life that he misses out on because he doesn't get to seem him day-to-day. Can you not ask your son to take his tablet to his room when his dad calls if you don't want to overhear?

titchy · 03/07/2020 19:02

he has to be unblocked all the time or I get grief and threats of social services! It's quite extraordinary really

Well if you block him at all other times his threats will just disappear into the ether won't they! You won't even know about them.

PanamaPattie · 03/07/2020 19:07

People that haven’t been in an abusive relationship will never understand the difference between an absent parent asserting their control and an absent parent just wanting to be a part of their DCs lives.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 03/07/2020 19:16

His ds is entitled to enjoy his time /life with you op without feeling bad he is with dm and not df...
Emotional abuse imo.
Think you need to seek legal advice..

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 03/07/2020 19:18

Have a separate phone for her turn it on once a week for contact. Once a week. Change the ID on the ipad and don't give the new one to him.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 03/07/2020 19:20

@Whatisthismadness

I have tried blocking him and giving him suitable times when he can call DS but that's not good enough, he has to be unblocked all the time or I get grief and threats of social services! It's quite extraordinary really
Let him. You are entitled to a life without him and constantly contact is NOT a good with some father. There was a case a few years ago where a father took a mother to court and wanted daily contact the the court said no -once every two weeks visit and phone call once a week.
SummerDayWinterEvenings · 03/07/2020 19:21

@Whatisthismadness

Thanks for everyone's suggestions! I have tried the specific time suggestion etc but my ex is adamant that it has to be at any point in the day (obviously he knows that sometimes DS is busy). He has been busy today and we have just come home to 8 missed calls between 10am and 3pm. I don't feel I should have to let the ex know when we are going out for the day?
Don't give him an option -here is our new number. Contact by telephone only will be on Saturday at 6pm.
SummerDayWinterEvenings · 03/07/2020 19:22

@Whatisthismadness

I have tried blocking him and giving him suitable times when he can call DS but that's not good enough, he has to be unblocked all the time or I get grief and threats of social services! It's quite extraordinary really
This is really not what a court would view as acceptable. That is took much. 6pm Saturday is fine.
MsSquiz · 03/07/2020 19:41

He can threaten you with social services all he wants!
If you give set times and days when your DS will be available and turn off FaceTime except for those times, and he was to go to social services complaining, they would laugh in his face.
By giving set times, you are allowing and encouraging contact between ex and DS, just like when DS goes to him for access.

Stop letting him still have the control and power over you.

KittCat · 03/07/2020 19:41

He's still abusing you. Keep a diary of the threats and unreasonable behaviour...dates, times, screen shots etc. Instigate court proceedings yourself and disclose your evidence. SS have more important things to deal with.

Daisy12Maisie · 03/07/2020 20:08

My ex used to have set times to call our children even though I said just call them whenever you want. He wanted it regimented. Then he sent me endless pointless texts about it. Eg I'm going to be 10 minutes late. Are you home yet. Can I ring them tomorrow instead? Have you told them I'll ring them 10 minutes late etc.
One evening when I was at work the children were looked after by my mum. (I've asked him to have them evenings I work but he wont). He tried to ring the children.
My mum didnt hear the phone (because she is deaf, which he knows and I had suggested he rang any other time apart from when they were with my mum as she cant hear the phone.)
I came out of an interview at work to 57 abusive messages about why the children hadnt answered the phone.
They had ignored it as they were busy playing and my mum couldn't hear the phone so didnt make them answer it like I usually did. Absolutely nothing I could have done about it from work.
From that moment on I refused to get involved and told him to ring them whenever he wanted but to stop contacting me about it. Initially he said he would take me to court over this as he wanted to contact me rather than the children. I said go ahead. I'm saying ring them whenever you want instead of pestering me with messages.
So for about 2 years he just rings/ facetime whenever he wants and sometimes they answer and sometimes they dont if they are out or busy.
So me being involved at all was a nightmare! Letting them just get on with it is much easier. Just say to your son that if he is on facetime to either stay in his room or pre warn you so you can make sure you are dressed.

Original poster
Whatisthismadness · 03/07/2020 20:09

The content of the calls seem to be fairly innocent on the surface, but he'll always ask for a list of what he's eaten that day, what his plans are for the next day, how many hours sleep he's had etc. DS doesn't really notice he's being questioned but it's fairly obvious to me.

I've tried to get DS to sit in one place when he answers a call but after a minute he'll he up and walking around with the iPad, giving the ex a tour of the house! Confused

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2020 20:16

You need better boundaries. If he walks around the house, one warning then no iPad. If the ex threatens you, don't waver.

You aren't powerless in all this.

titchy · 03/07/2020 20:30

Have a rule that the iPad is always plugged in to charge... agree though you do have the power here.

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