Ex monitoring DC through FaceTime

[Whatisthismadness]

Does anyone else have an ex DP who monitors what their DC is up to through FaceTime? I have a DS (7) who has an iPad. He's allowed to FaceTime family through it, especially due to lockdown. I do limit the amount of time he spends on it.

For the past few months my ex DP has been FaceTiming him at least once a day, even though he has him to stay once a week.

He asks him what he's doing that day, what he's had for breakfast, what time he woke up etc.

I don't mind the odd call but this is getting ridiculous - I walked out of the shower in a towel this morning and there was my ex's face staring straight back at me (he'd called DS whilst I was in the shower).

My DS is fine to talk to his Dad, but it is never him asking to FaceTime.

I have spoken to my ex and explained that I feel like it's an intrusion of my time, and my time with DS but he refuses to listen. He was fairly emotionally abusive when we were together and I have just enquired about mediation. The last time I explained why I was uncomfortable with it my ex told me I was emotionally abusing my DS if i didn't let him FaceTime whenever he wanted to.

Does anyone have any idea how to sort this? Thanks x

Your ex can’t tell if he’s blocked. FaceTime will just ring and ring like it did when you were out today. Can’t you occasionally block for 24 hours or so to give you some personal space? Or just start with turning the ringer off on your son’s iPad and keep him busy with non screen activities? My kids get loads of missed calls from my MIL on FaceTime or from their friends on Houseparty when they’re in the middle of homeschooling or playing. They don’t see it cos the iPad is tucked away in a drawer. They just message when they are free the next day.

Agree with all the comments here. You are allowing him to continue to control you. You set the parameters. Which are very reasonable. Calls these days at these times unless your DC wants to call him.

Disable FaceTime outside of those times or block the number outside of those times. Assert your control. It will be scary as you have had years of abuse. You are conditioned to keep the peace 'or else'. But realising he has no control over you anymore will be very empowering. He will escalate his threats. He won't be used to you standing up to him. But you need to do this. For your sake and your DC's sake.

It's definitely a control thing. He may be interested in what DS has been up to but it comes across like the Spanish Inquisition every time!

If he asks what DS has had for breakfast and DS says cereal (for example), ex will say 'Is that all Mummy gave you? That's not very good is it!', and then wonders why I'm not keen on him ringing.

I just think seeing him as regularly as he does, and also demanding daily FaceTime is unreasonable.

My ex has been blocked for months so has now resorted in sending someone in my family messages to 'pass on'. Again, if xx doesn't do this, then I'll do this.

Definitely going to see about mediation, although the thought of being in the same room as him makes me fairly anxious.

Record the calls in the ipad play them back if he ever gets a social worker whose case load allows them to be bothered with this you can show them why you don't think its age appropriate to have constant poisen dripped in the poor kids ear

My ex managed to get a social worker to come over when she heard from our sons that daddy says mummy is wrong for working daddy says mum should stay home and look after us daddy says he is too busy so mum needs to leave our job to come get us her eyebrows were very raised not by my actions by his

Slightly OT but my DC (9 & 6) aren’t allowed to answer any FTs without asking. If anyone is showering or not yet dressed (anywhere in the house) they’d only to allowed to answer with audio FT rather than have the video on.

Don’t go to mediation with him. He’ll only take it as another opportunity to abuse you.

Don't go to mediation with him. I agree with what @whatisthismadness says. Take back some control. Get your relatives to ignore him. Like a PP says try and get some support with dealing with him.

You choose when he can call, it’s not up to him. Tell your ds he needs to sit and talk to his dad when there’s a call, no wandering but if he wants, he can terminate the call. I’d ensure all calls are from your ex, ds doesn’t call him, harsh tho it seems.

A court order would never dictate this level of FT’s! Let him threaten you with SS, you are not being unreasonable here. He is.

The fact, that he had contact the day before and called him eight times the next day is ridiculous. Also, the fact that he questions what he’s had for breakfast, isn’t because he’s interested but to undermine your parenting.

I would Block his number and unblock at certain times, so he can both call and receive FT with your ex. I would also, tell your son he is not to walk around with his iPad (the suggestion of sitting when it is charging is a good one).

I also wouldn’t go to mediation, as it’s not recommended with an abuser.

Personally, I would just call his bluff. Tell him to inform SS, tell him to take you to court over this issue.

He is just using this as another form of control. Please remember that coercive control is against the law.

#coercive control is a crime I should of said.

@REignbow Thank you for the advice.

Can I ask why mediation would not be suitable? I was under the impression court was only if you couldn't agree contact, but my ex does see DS regularly, it's just all the other 'stuff' that i wanted to get sorted (it's a huge cause of stress whenever he texts some kind of demand).

Mediation isn't suitable where there has been abuse as the abuser will use it to continue the abuse.

My understanding is that your ex will take the opportunity to tell you and the mediator what a terrible wife and mother you are. He will make a list of all your faults and weaknesses. He will take control of the session and make it all about him and his needs and how everything in his life is your fault because you wouldn’t do as you were told during the marriage. Your DS will be barely mentioned during the conversation because your ex will be so keen to present himself as the calm reasonable one and it’s you that has the problem.

If you have sorted out child support and contact, there is no need for mediation IME.

@PanamaPattie That does sound about right - I did mention about trying to sort things through mediation and he agreed saying 'I can't wait to tell them what sort of person you are'.

Surely we couldn't go to court if maintenance and access is already sorted? It feels like I'll have to put up with his rubbish forever!

If you have agreed contact and maintenance - why are you going to court? Have I missed something in your posts? My understanding is that court action was only needed if a couple couldn’t agree.

@PanamaPattie Oh we’re not actually going to court! I suggested maybe mediation as although contact is sorted, he dictates when he is having DS, there is no discussion or compromise. I don’t have a say in the matter! Maintenance is sorted. And then of course as I’ve previously mentioned, I need him to stop the threats and also messaging my family member (they are finding it all very stressful).

Why can't your family member block him too? They are being used as a flying monkey here.

Ok. If that’s the case, mediation is a no. Is DS happy with the level of contact?

@Annabellerina I've asked them to block him but they won't for two reasons - he's blocked on my phone so in case there is an emergency, and also because of the ridiculous threats he is making, they feel it would be useful to have proof of these

Eight missed calls? Good. Change nothing. If he calls when it is convenient, answer, if not ignore. Do literally nothing else. No explanations, no apologies, no offers of ideas to make it easier for him to not have his calls ignored. You don't have to manage him.

As for quizzing DS, yes it is intrusive and controlling all that chat about did DS get enough sleep etc, BUT only if you give a shit. He has no power over you now. He lives elsewhere. He can think you are a shit mum because DS had cornflakes for breakfast but so what?

Nevertheless I would take a hard line on criticism of you. Anything at all said to DS on Facetime criticising you will result in you instantly walking over and hanging up. Then block facetime for the rest of the day. Warn DS that you will have to do that if daddy tries to bring grown up arguments into his time with DS.

Sure DH will scream his rage into the ether. So? So what? You left him so his moods don't have to control you. He can be as mad as a march hare. Oh dear. What a pity. Nevermind

Personally, I would take this to court in regards to your latest post.

He is still controlling, when he has your DS and then expects multiple daily FT conversations with your son. You realise that this is not normal right?

Also, if he has been making threats to your family member, then why are you not getting the police involved?

Like l said Coercive control is a crime.

Please call WA/rights of women to advise you, as although you have are no longer together, you are still in a controlling and coercive relationship.

Don't let this man dictate your life any longer. He cannot have social services involvement over facetime, that's ridiculous, SS don't have time for that stuff. If I were you I'd go into the restrictions on your child's ipad set up a passcode and disable facetime until its his slot, that way he is not blocked however his calls won't be coming through during the hours you don't want.

If he kicks off then let him, ignore it, let him act like a petulant child.