BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Isthisit22]

It's good you told him how you feel, but those kind of behaviours are unlikely to change. Think he is just selfish. There's no way I could ever allow someone to pay for me like that so think it is his personality. Time will tell I suppose. You've given it your best shot

[differentnameforthis]

He has obviously hit a sore spot with his comments about your drinking, and you admit that you drink more than the 'average' person, and that your consumption makes you borderline high functioning "on paper" (whatever that means)

You go to great lengths to point put how you are coping with life, about how you pay for the vast amount of stuff you both share when together, but you underplay your alcohol intake and his concern of it, like it means nothing.

I don't think one justifies the other. You said he spends a good amount of time at your house, yet you aren't prepared to take his opinion into account when he is there? So you don't think your home needs to be comfortable for him when he visits?

It was good that he was honest about why he stayed away, yet you seem to think this is his issue, not yours. I don't think his concern re your intake is a red flag, no. But you being dismissive of his concerns is a red flag.

I think you really need to look at your intake and decide whether you being "borderline high functioning on paper" is good enough for you, but especially for your son.

[differentnameforthis]

@Meggymoo777 "well how dare you judge me in my own home when I provide so much and do my best to make you feel welcome and comfortable"

Except he obviously doesn't feel comfortable with your drinking.

At least he had the courage to mention it to you. Same as you should have had about buying his food for the times you are not together. I would more analyze why you feel it's OK to be walked over like this, than speak up.

As I said, I do drink too much per week, approx 4 bottles of wine, I'm aware it's not healthy or normal but I don't believe it is a problem at this moment of course it's a problem. Just because it isn't impacting your day to day functioning (yet) doesn't mean your body is not feeling it.

I would cut down my consumption but I would do it for me... not for someone who I feel has almost thrown my hospitality back in my face by saying I make them uncomfortable Imagine if this was your ds in a couple of years time.. would you consider cutting down for him? Or would it not be important enough then either?

You also criticize him for saying this, having previously "joined in" with your drinking pattern. Do not underestimate how many people feel pressured to drink to "keep up" with a friend/partner. Alcohol is touted as a "social" thing, and you are often called out if you don't partake. I know that I did, for years. Pregnancy was my out, but then I felt pressured to keep up with dh once dd's were older. Took me ages to break out of the belief that I didn't need to drink just because he was.

Many people here are criticizing him for "sulking" for a week before telling you, yet perhaps he was trying to get his head around it and find a way of bringing it up with you? Perhaps he has realized that this isn't the lifestyle for him (re the alcohol) and wanted to see if you were on the same page?

Yes, there is the added issue of you paying in excess, but have you talked about it? If not, he might not even think there is an issue and even may think you are happy about it. Lord knows many men are expected to put their hands in their pockets for their female partners...

What I do see on this thread, is no matter what a man does, he will always be wrong, and there will always be someone willing to help you justify your drinking, as long as you are female.

[InTheWings]

Sounds good, OP.

One thing I would keep an eye on is the fact that he avoided / blanked you for a week.

On drinking: I was in the habit of drinking half a bottle of wine every night, shared with DH. Sometimes had a V&T first.

I have really cut down now, I drink one bottle a week, spread over 3 evenings.
I found an alcohol free beer I like (Ghost Ship) which gives me that refreshing ‘ahh’ relaxation at the end of the day.
I check the alcohol level of the bottles I buy, and avoid those new world wines which are 14’ .

Maybe enjoy half a bottle, mindfully savoured and enjoyed, rather than the whole bottle?

I got used to cutting down really easily. It wasn’t the alcohol I wanted, but the taste and the association with relaxation.

[InTheWings]

@differentnameforthis did you not think to RTFT before taking the trouble to blather on for two long posts?

[FabulousUsername]

Meggy, great to hear your update and that you are feeling more positive! And a big well done for the alcohol free days (especially as your thread made me realise that I too was definitely drinking too much). Hoping that he steps up and starts paying his way. But this has been an opportunity for you to re-evaluate what you want out of a relationship and I'm glad to see you won't be selling yourself short. He's had a warning, if he doesn't improve he needs to go. Maybe it's given him the jolt he needed, like the wine comments did for you. Shame it couldn't have been from a more positive place of love & kindness.. here's to less, but better, wine drinking!

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Well done. I think many of us during lock down have drunk too much-me included.

I think you will need to monitor his free loading ways quite closely though. Once a tight miser, always a tight miser. Him not being aware and not thinking about it does show how little he considers you. I find a lack of generosity very unattractive in a person-IME those who are miserly with money tend to be equally ingenious in thought and deed

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

Ungenerous

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Also someone mentioned the blanking. So I very definitely would be keeping an eye out for more of that as he may have someone else or be dating. Have you asked?

I have a 100% foolproof way to find out. I simply ask in a very relaxed and offhand manner "Are we seeing other people?" The words 'we' and 'other' absolutely removes any thought of me wanting to 'trap' them and focuses clearly on the fact that I might be too and they invariably say (A little alarmed) "no, well I'm not are you?" and I say "well not really etc but I thought we should check as it would be awful if one thought we were and one thought we weren't" and then I change the conversation.

[nolovelost]

That's great news about the chat. Hopefully he'll be more considerate in future. And well done to acknowledging the need to cut down.

I strongly suggest that you get a liver test after drinking so many units. You won't necessarily know if you've done any damage. My auntie thought she was okay after cutting down on alcohol but it was too late, she died last year. She was told that many people don't have symptoms and know they've done the damage until it's too late. It can be irreversible.

Good luck.

[OliviaBenson]

In relation to my drinking, he didn’t take back what he had said but did say he had maybe communicated his feelings incorrectly. He said that my consumption made him uncomfortable because he understands that alcoholism must start somewhere, he loves me and that he didn’t want to see me go down a slippery slope. I agreed and said that if my alcohol consumption ever started negatively impacting my life or our relationship or I was drinking for negative reasons (trying to block things out, numb feelings, because I was lonely etc) that I would then appreciate his concern. He apologised for making me feel like he was judging me and that that was not his intention at all.

But your consumption has already negatively impacted your relationship? He raised it as such and to be honest is quite right to do so- you are drinking far more than is recommended. Just because you aren't falling over drunk doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact. Having a high tolerance isn't something to be proud of, it's a red flag.

In relation to my own drinking, I did not have a drink Sun, Mon or Tues. I had a big project come to an end on Wed so treated myself to a lovely bottle of wine. I did not have any alcohol last night, I won’t tonight either and I have bought an expensive bottle of wine to savour on Saturday night! Will continue to try to Drink Better and Drink Less!

The reward with a lovely bottle is telling. Sorry op but whether you are ready to admit it or not you have a problem with alcohol. It's your son I feel for.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

nolovelost

Sorry but you are not really selling the liver test there ! I think I’d rather not know

[heyday]

I haven't read all the replies so I apologise if my point has been raised already. Could it be that he grew up around somebody who did have an alcohol problem and it brings back bad memories or could it be that when you drink, he drinks too and he is a actually worried about his own alcohol consumption becoming a habit/problem?

[ittakes2]

I am sorry it sounds like you have two kids rather than one. You are financially supporting and providing for him. People don’t have to have the same incomes - but he is not only not doing anything to contribute he is also putting his own shopping on your bill! If I was in a mix matched financial relationship I would try and do more effort wise to show I appreciate the money being spent on me - like offering to help in other ways or in the very least making a point of thanking them!

[Meggymoo777]

I love when OPs give update posts so this is just a little update for everyone who kindly took the time to advise and give their opinions...

Relationship is going great, it's like he genuinely didn't notice the unequal spending until we'd had a conversation. Have had no issues at all since, so happy that the conversation around money was opened and it's a non issue now because we just talk about it. He'll call round now and bring little things like a bunch of flowers or small treats for DS and I think we all really appreciate it... him included, think he enjoys being able to put a big smile on my face with a £2.50 bunch of flowers... I'm easily pleased really!

In relation to the drinking, I had started to massively cut down after this thread and I now have not had a drink in 7 days. Honestly don't even have the urge (was really afraid I would which would really signify an issue). I'm sleeping better, feeling better in general and right now, I never want to return to old drinking habits. I've booked a dinner with a friend in a few weeks time and have no intention of touching a drop until then. I think the ritual of drinking a glass of wine had just become such a habit and I'm gonna work to completely kick that habit to touch... and I am actually exited about it!

Thank you to everyone for your viewpoints, opinions, advice and personal experiences - this place can be so helpful in shining a light on your problems and I appreciate the time taken so much.

[TorkTorkBam]

That's great!

[Morgan12]

Oh I do enjoy an update.

Glad it all worked out!

[Greeneyes78]

Well he’s obviously taking the loss not paying for things.

As for your drinking we’ll only you know truthfully how much you’re drinking. Speaking from experience there is nothing sadder than looking at someone sitting at home home getting pissed. It really is unattractive.

Talk to him about the money. If he’s coming every week say try and get a contribution from him for the time he’ll be there otherwise you’re just being used.

[Greeneyes78]

great update op, well done on not drinking!

[SoulofanAggron]

Speaking from experience there is nothing sadder than looking at someone sitting at home home getting pissed. It really is unattractive.

@Greeneyes78 I know some people feel that way, but IMHO people should be able to do as they feel in their home without judgement. I draw the line at those who piss on the floor as a recent thread described though. And I wouldn't like recreational drug use but that's just my personal opinion.

@Meggymoo777 Am glad all is going ok. I hope he continues to behave. x

[RandomMess]

Whoop whoop great stuff Meggy I'm so pleased you've changed your drinking habits and feeling the benefit! Glad relationship is going great too.

[CiCiFreakingBabcock]

I love updates Meggy and yours is a great one :)