BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[ChasingRainbows19]

You aren’t obviously happy in the relationship so do what you have to do.

You do

[Meggymoo777]

Oh my goodness, this really blew up last night. Thank you to everyone so much for taking the time to read and respond, I won't get to read through the responses until later this eve but will look forward to reading each one. Thank you all again x

[NellieandRufus]

Two separate issues.

It does sound as though he is taking advantage. I know he earns less than you but is he tight or is he poor?

Your drinking is your business, but you do seem a bit defensive of it. In your opening post you talk about drinking a bottle of wine then dropping your son off the next morning. Depending on the times involved this may we’ll be cutting it fine for drink driving no matter how well you feel.

High tolerance usually comes along with high consumption, from what you have said I do think it’s possibly time you looked at your consumption honestly and decide whether you’re actually dependent.

[Busybee2912]

You just sound completely mismatched OP. His stinginess would be a dealbreaker for me, I don’t find it attractive in a person.
Your drinking does sound a bit much, but I think you know that or you wouldn’t need to keep it in check and tell your therapist about it.
The two issues aren’t mutually exclusive though.

[BeanbagMcTavish]

I think these are 2 separate issues (as so many other posters have said). But it's very hard for you to think of them separately, because they've both come to a head at the same time.

You have a legitimate grievance with his behaviour - he needs to pull his weight financially. Obviously it's hard for you to raise this with him right now without it looking like a "tit for tat" scenario, unless maybe you preface it with an acknowledgement that he may be right to have concerns about your drinking and that you are going to look at ways forward about that.

Because he does have legitimate concerns about your drinking. He knows it isn't affecting your behaviour or your functioning, and he knows that you are a great mother etc. But he also knows that if you're putting away that much alcohol every week then it will affect your health. In fact, when you think about it, that has to be his actual worry, given that he acknowledges that your behaviour is not affected. So basically he cares about your health. Sorry, OP, I know you don't want to hear this, but you drink too much, and if I had a partner who did this then I would be worried and would raise it with them as well.

This relationship may or may not have legs, depending on how far you can each recognise that the other one has a point and change accordingly.

[Viviennemary]

It is two separate issues. He is a freeloader and mean. Not a nice trait in anybody. Your drinking needs to be addressed by you. If you are drinking more than the recommended amount that is far too much. A couple of glasses of wine a week is quite enough for anybody IMHO.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

He's an arse and get rid.

Separately, the people on here saying your drinking is fine are either not reading the details, or have their own issues.

Go to your GP - not your therapist - and tell them you're drinking 45 units / 4.5 bottles a week (not how many glasses, as a glass is very variable) , and they can share a medical view on how ok this is.

[ChasingRainbows19]

Oops!
You do seem to be drinking well over what you should. I know Mumsnet does have a reputation for slating drinkers but I love a glass of wine. 4/5/ bottles a week is unhealthy and while your body is used to it you may not notice the difference without it.
For your own health I’d try and reduce it a bit maybe not so many glasses or maybe use a mixer. You are aware you drink too much already.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I would also be uncomfortable with how much my partner drank if it was as much as you OP. Unless he drinks the same as you I don't think its hypocritical to say that with wine in his hand - he is not saying that drinking at all makes him uncomfortable just how often and how much. I'd be worried it was storing up issues for the future, it might not take much for you to suddenly realise you're drinking every day for example and there is so much evidence now that links it to most forms of cancer etc. It would just make me uneasy. And I like drinking.

BUT

I don't like the way he sulked for a week before telling you that. I don't really like how he doesn't fully explain why it makes him uncomfortable. I don't really like him saying you shouldn't drink 'on a school night'.

And I really don't like how stingy he is. As a guest at someones house he should at least be contributing eg bringing pudding or wine if you're planning a nice meal. Maybe he is oblivious to social rules like this but no one is oblivious to the fact they have to buy food for themselves normally, and so to me, putting his food on the conveyor with yours and expecting you to pay even though it isnt for both of you, is extremely rude and yes like something youd do as a teenager with your parents. To not even half heartedly offer to pay is extremely stingy.

Maybe after 18 months you're coming out the honeymoon period and noticing the things that annoy you most about each other. I think you have to do two things- make a decision about your drinking, because he may have a point, and tell him what you're doing. If you're happy with it then fair enough. And also speak to him about not contributing. You can just do it in a 'this is something I've been meaning to speak to you about for a while and I realise I should have just been honest like you and brought it up, as what you said made me realise we should be able to speak openly about issues in our relationship' etc. Then it doesn't sound defensive or like you're trying to deflect from your drinking. I think how he reacts will tell you a lot about him. If he immediately responds with trying to justify it because you earn more then I think the relationship is probably over

[Simply2020]

OP, you said it. You earn more than him, it's a control mechanism. You're an adult and why shouldn't you unwind with a glass of wine?

Get rid of him. I had the same thing from someone. He would never pay for anything yet wanted to dictate to me about my drinking. I have zero tolerance for men like that. I regret putting up with shitting men with low self-confidence. Those days are gone.

It's your money and your house, enjoy the wine. There is no wine service 6 feet under, we have to enjoy here and be happy. Maybe he is a source of your stress, draining your energy.

I am at a stage in my life where I do not want to be changed or change anyone.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

I know how easy it is to slip into drinking almost every night, I was doing it about 12 years ago. I decided to get a grip and now only drink on Fridays and Saturdays. I tell you that first glass on a Friday tastes better than any that I drank mid week. It's much better for you to have alcohol free days so do it for yourself and your DS.
As for the BF, I can't stand meanness in anyone, it's a horrible trait. He sulked at home for a week and then had the nerve to turn up, not pay a penny towards anything, even his own stuff and then bring up his issue with you. How dare he!
I'm afraid he would have to go. Be honest with him so he doesn't think you broke up with him because he raised your alcohol consumption although that might be the way he'll like to see it. Got to say though, I love another poster's idea of only inviting him round on your alcohol free nights 😁

[GracieLane]

You've always drank that much during the relationship and suddenly he has a problem now (hypocritically as he's doing it too). Yes you probably do need to cut down but that's for you to decide not him to dictate.

The money thing is just taking the piss. Putting things on the conveyer belt? I don't even do that with my parents and haven't done since I was a child. Does he never ever turn up with anything? If he comes to the door empty handed again send him on his way. Although I'd be sending him on his way anyway

[pointythings]

You need to have a conversation with him - while he lives with you, he should be contributing proportionally to his income. If he doesn't take that on board, bin him off.

The drinking is up to you. It is too much, but I used to drink that much and could happily take it or leave it. I drink a hell of a lot less now and am better for it, but it's your choice and if you do it, it should be for you.

[gardenchaos]

I was drinking a similar amount of wine to you and have changed to drink less, drink better as a rule. One or two glasses of something excellent over two or three days rather than drinking a whole bottle in a night. It really helped me cut down.

The bloke just needs to go. I cannot abide meanness. I was in a relationship where my boyfriend earned a lot and I had very little. He'd treat me to expensive dinners and all sorts of things. I always made the effort to treat him back with little things I could afford like a second hand book on a subject he loved. If he took me away for the weekend then I'd insist on paying for museum or gallery tickets or buying us ice creams, just something so I could contribute even if it was only a few pounds. Your bloke is seriously on the take and that is so unattractive. The expectation that you pick up the bill for his shopping is hideous.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

Ltb.
He sounds hideous..

[RedskyAtnight]

I couldn't have a partner that drank the amount you did. I would feel the same way as your boyfriend.

I couldn't have a partner that was as stingy as your boyfriend. I would feel the same way as you.

I suspect you are just non compatible.

But equally, it sounds like you've never actually bothered to talk to your boyfriend about the stinginess - so maybe he doesn't realise it bothers you?

[Valkadin]

What is interesting is he pointed out behaviour he doesn’t like and you have not been able to point out behaviour you don’t like.

They are separate issues I’m sure all will agree with his meanness not all with your drinking habits. I could not be with someone who drinks like you as I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather and my Mother was probably one as well. It killed him aged 49, he was a professional in an exceptionally well paid job with lots of responsibility he his his drinking from the outside world.

The two of us that were close in age so lived under this regime for many years have non standard approaches to alcohol. I rarely drink as dislike the thought of it .My younger sister is an alcoholic,

You need help with your alcohol consumption and you need to get rid of your BF.

[SauvignonBlanketyBlank]

You're a grown woman and seem very self aware.If you want to drink 4 bottles a week that's your choice and I really think you should dump this tight twat.Hes bringing up your drinking so it takes the focus off the fact he buys fuck all for himself.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

FFS, honestly, Meggy, do not ever mention alcohol on MN! See what I mean, every bit of this man's REALLY toxic behaviour has been buried under talk of units and such.

this is absolute bullshit. Almost every single poster has said dump this man he isnt worth your time. Then theyve moved on to the alcohol consumption. People have focused on the alcohol as they do not think the man is worth working with.

[woollyheart]

I would thank him for his input on your drinking habits, and say that you are happy to work on it. But that you would also like him to work on his meanness, because the fact that you earn more doesn't mean that he should expect to sponge off you.

That should end it quickly!

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Hi OP
I agree with all the others here who have said these are two completely different and unrelated issues.

Your BF sounds horribly stingy and I’m not surprised you’re fed up of him.

However, that doesn’t mean his concern about your drinking is not valid. What really struck me about your posts is that you are are holding your hands up to way too much drinking and actually suggest yourself in your first post that you might be a “borderline high functioning alcoholic”. At the same time, there is quite a bit of defensiveness in what you say.

Alcohol is such a funny issue and you will find a lot of people will say it’s ok to over-indulge if it’s by your own free will ... until you find you are more into need territory than free will territory and are finding yourself justifying those drinks- life is stressful, job is stressful, I just need to relax....Please don’t use those comments to justify carrying on and don’t kid yourself that the high functioning part makes it all ok.

High functioning alcoholism is such a poor label. It is still alcoholism and highly destructive... and it almost always loses the “high functioning” part of the label sooner or later.

I suggest going to see an addiction counsellor. They will soon tell you if you’re over thinking the problem. You have nothing to lose by doing it. Is it worth the risk to you and your child of sliding any further down the slope?

[OliviaBenson]

Does he have family history with alcohol? I do in my family and I would be very concerned and triggered by your drinking. Not falling into bed in a stupor and having a high tolerance is something also often parroted by alcoholics who are sure they are in control. I think you need to examine that more. You drink huge amounts.

But the shopping thing is just him being tight and you are wise to be annoyed by that.

[SoulofanAggron]

A man criticizing a woman's drinking can also have a misogynistic element- 'ladies' don't drink too much etc.

[Isthisnothing]

Hi OP,

I used to drink the same as you, I don't now and life is a million times better. I will elaborate how/why if you like.

I would find that stingy behaviour extremely unattractive in a man. I have a friend like this. She is not my teenage daughter! It's the whole performance that irks me; disappearing when the bill arrives, not having the right change, forgetting her wallet or just brazening it out till I reach for my wallet. Anytime she has offered to pay she then 'forgets'. You can be damn sure she wouldn't forget the other way around.

This is going on thirty years. It irks the crap out of me. I would not get involved with a person like this now.

[justilou1]

Are you ACTUALLY drinking four bottles per week or is he actually helping you?