BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

As for your drinking - a lot of people drink every Friday and Saturday and/or Sunday. They survive and are not alcoholics. I would ensure at least 3 booze free nights a week and during the week no more than 2 large glasses in a night, Drinking every day is a problem as your liver has no time to recover.

If you have a booze free week or two every once in a while it will also repair. I like vodka too - it's cleaner and easier on your system. As long as it's not with fizzy drinks obviously though fever tree light tonic is ok.

[Dozer]

There are problems with him not paying his way and being moody/‘off’ - ‘deal breaker‘ IMO, AND your alcohol consumption.

If you decide to continue the relationship wouldn’t be treating him to takeaway, roast etc again, nor paying for his stuff!

Did you mean 4 bottles of wine a week? If so, 36 units. Recommended max is 14. That is likely to have negative health impact , and affect you in lots of ways. You don’t seem to ‘see’ that, which is also a concern.

[Dozer]

If you meant 2 glasses 4x week that’s different.

[TheProvincialLady]

I think I can promise you that when you tell this cocklodger that he has been sponging off you for months he will not take it as graciously as you took his feedback about your drinking.

You have two issues. Your boyfriend is a miserly user and needs to go. He has been actively taking advantage of you.

Secondly, you drink too much. Lots of people will tell you this is fine and normal, just as lots of people will say being obese and over eating is normal and curvy. Speak to your GP about your drinking and you will get the opinion of someone who is interested in your health and well-being. They can test your liver function etc. You can make any decisions about cutting down in the context of medical information. As a PP said, this kind of drinking can (but obviously doesn’t always) escalate into something less functional. Even if you decide not to reduce your drinking you might want to think about what ‘a problem’ would look like to you and monitor whether you are starting to creep into that territory.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I don’t think this is even worth a conversation and to see if things improve. After a year, you have a good idea about his character now. The fact that he’s happy to have you pay for everything for all this time speaks volumes. If it were a few isolated incidents throughout that time, I’d think it wasn’t such a big deal but this is now the basic routine of your relationship. He knows full well that he’s not paying for anything and it seems like he has no intention of contributing. It shouldn’t take a conversation, after a year of mooching, for him to see that. It is clearly just how he is.
I also take issue with him sulking for a week as a means to punish you. He sounds a like big child and not someone I’d want to be in a long term relationship with never mind have around my children as a role model.
As an aside, I’m no expert in this, but wouldn’t drinking a bottle of wine the previous night make you over the limit to be driving your son around the next day? Maybe that is reason enough to knock the mid week drinking on the head and keep it for Friday and Saturday night.

[Fizzysours]

@TheProvincialLady totally agree but can I add...many people who are damaging themselves will show NORMAL liver function right up to theend stages. My relative would proudly 'clutch' his normal results and wave them about as evidence that we were all making a fuss. His were normal until a few months before death. But yes... OP... your therapist is not the right person to advise you on drinking dependency. Not the physical aspects of it. Talk to a GP and accept it if they are concerned. You sound highly intelligent....look at the stats. This is not 'nanny state' clucking. This is....you are drinking enough to shorten your life.

[moomin11]

4 bottles of wine a week is a hell of a lot and as your partner I think he is right to bring it up. There's a big difference between having a glass of wine to unwind from work and drinking the whole bottle.

[moomin11]

Oh and my dad was a functioning alcoholic, excellent career, lots of hobbies, active in the community etc etc. Didn't stop it killing him at 51 years old.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

I think you need to separate the two issues. How would you feel about his conversation about the drinking if everything else was ok? Would you cut down or talk it through or refuse to cut down?

Take this answer and then sit down with him. Tell him that you are prepared to do X, Y and X with regards to your drinking. If he's happy with that and wants to live forward. Then say to him that whilst you are being open and honest there an issue you would like him to address, then bring up the money situation and see how he reacts.

Tbh I think you've landed yourself with a cocklodger who has a preference for control. But you'll only find out when you talk to him about the challenges you have with his behaviour

[timeisnotaline]

I think everything flamingo says is spot on. He did try to broach it the ‘right’ way and it’s a valid concern. But it’s completely shitty that he never pays including for his own groceries. It’s ok to turn around at the supermarket checkout and say It’s your turn to get it etc so for future reference , it might be with someone else, but you should start a relationship in a more balanced way.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

OP
What happens at the till?

At every single shop I go to, there is a device to seperate your shopping from other people's shopping.
Use the device!

He should, of course pay for his shopping, but how did it all start?

I think, after a year and a half,he has the right to comment, and discuss it with you.

OP- you are in sole charge of a child on many of these occasions when you drink? In the nicest possible way, that is really irresponsible.
It doesn't matter if you "feel fine' you are over the limit while caring for your child.

And yes, he's probably a sponger , but NOW you're upset about it? Just as he comments on your drinking?

Gosh, if you get rid of him, you won't have to address your drinking. Yes he may have been drinking, but he doesn't have a child in the house.

Two seperate issues, but don't ignore everything he says just cuz he's right.

[Somethingkindaoooo]

*tight

[PornStarOvaltini]

This is your opportunity OP - he's opened the door of communication and you can easily compromise by cutting down your drinking a bit to make him feel more comfortable (poor diddums 😜).

He now needs to step up and start paying his way. What you describe is disrespectful and speaks volumes about how he feels about you. He's a user and if he wants to contribute to your behaviour around him then he needs to contribute to the cost. It is not petty! It's the principle. This is causing an issue for you in the same way as your drinking is causing an issue for him so tackle it.

[Isthisfairornot]

OP, I’ve been buying all the shopping for my boyfriend during lockdown too, but he will often buy extras/ treats and stuff for the house too. He’s also constantly offering to pay for stuff.

I’d bin yours off if I was you.

[Isthisfairornot]

We have some other money issues though it’s fair to say

[redcarbluecar]

He sounds awful from what you say. Sponging off you and then trying to deflect from that by adopting some faux moral high ground. I think he’s just going to irritate you more and more as time goes on.

[melmos]

Get rid of this using loser - he probably only mentioned it to so you didn't bring up the fact he didnt pay and hasn't been paying for while. I doubt very much it was coming from a place of concern

[AgentJohnson]

There are two separate issues here that you need to address.

You are a single parent and your drinking is a bad habit that is quickly turning into a problem. He was right to call you out on it. Your defensiveness speaks volumes.

Why haven’t you addressed his sponging? I would tell him that you respect his honesty and that because of it, he has encouraged you to be honest in return.

[Flyingagainstreason]

But why did he sulk for a week about the wine. That in my opinion is the red flag.

And he’s entitled. He probably doesn’t think about the paying /not paying becuase he’s an entitled man.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I don't understand what you 'love' about this guy?
What are his good points?
I can't see any here.
He's tight.
He expects you to pay all the time.
He doesn't contribute.
He expects things to be done for him.
He's judgemental.
He's a hypocrite.
He has no respect for you.
What is there to love???
I honestly just don't get it.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Yeah agree with PP
If he can be honest about your wine 🍷 you
In turn can be honest about how tight he is

Make sure you don’t ‘hold on’ to a crap relationship OP

You had good innings but you don’t need him ! You will be OK single , you know that right

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Also if you drink 4 times a week ? Well that’s OK , don’t many of us

But be very honest with yourself (not us !) if you need a bit of a wine diet for a while

[Otter71]

You say he is stingy. But you also say he earns a lot less. Just how much less and has his earnings been massively impacted by lockdown? You appear to suggest the miserliness was at least less bad pre lockdown so is he at a point where without you buying some groceries he would have to get them from a food bank?
You say you are older but just how young is he? Has he never got past the teenager mode of expecting someone else to pay? Sorry but this kind of reminds me of my 19yo son. Theoretically an adult, likes to have a home himself when dad is with his dp and feels entitled to comment on my behaviour in the same breath as asking for money despite having probably at least as much disposable income. Obviously however you want a partner though not a foster son...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Op, I don't drink as much as you but I am also from a family whose parents enjoyed a bottle of wine with dinner most nights, holidays in France where is the norm to drink wine with most meals, etc.

I love to pour a glass of wine when I finish work for the day (I try and limit it to weekends only but the odd week night usually slips in) and as I don't smoke, use drugs, eat reasonably healthy, I don't see it as an issue.

My bf is a recovering alcoholic and even he doesn't mention it when I have a drink (which isn't often around him but he lived with me for 3 months over lockdown so there's no way I was going 3 month without a glass of wine!) so I think your bf is out of order, unless it's because he's worried for your health, but it doesn't sound like that was it.

As for not paying his way - that's really bad. My bf contributed to the shopping while he lived here, bought me flowers, bought the kids treats, etc.

[DorisLessingsCat]

Ditch the meanie.

Cut down on the wine - for yourself.

You sound lovely. It's easy for alcohol consumption to creep up. It's not a moral failing but it won't help your health long term.