BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Meggymoo777]

@DisobedientHamster

Oh, please, give over with the 'them' crap. You're single and living on your own and allowed to have anyone you want staying in your guest room. I hope he sets you straight. Get rid of this bloke who is utterly toxic for both you and your child.

Ha ha! Thanks @DisobedientHamster ... while it was actually a male friend that came to stay, he is also a flamboyantly gay male friend so no issues. To be fair, I wouldn't have a straight male friend come to stay with me by myself because I wouldn't think it appropriate. Not sure if I'd be comfortable with BF having a straight female friend stay with him by himself so works both ways x

[LannieDuck]

Yes, you're drinking too much and should probably do something about it for yourself.

The bigger issue in your relationship is him never paying for anything. He's probably a cocklodger, but maybe he's just fallen into a dynamic where you've been happy to pay for everything. If you're not ready to call time on the relationship, you could start to test which it is - next take-away say it's his turn because you got the last one. Next time you both go shopping, say that actually he should probably pay for those things separately since they're not communal. When it's his turn to pay for drinks, just say so.

Outrage/indignation = LTB. Grudging acceptance and no further proactive offers = LTB. Acceptance and a shift in dynamic so he starts paying his way = maybe there's hope?

[LannieDuck]

Oops, crosspost.

his hypocritical criticism of my drinking

How much does he drink?

[Meggymoo777]

@madwoman1ntheattic

He earns less than you do, picks up a value pack of meat, and you coerce him into getting a bottle of wine to have with it. He probably couldn’t afford the wine (having deliberately chosen value meat) but really didn’t want to be forced into having The Alcohol Discussion in the supermarket. You had to pay because he had been forced into adding a bottle of wine that he didn’t want (because he doesn’t drink on his own) and couldn’t afford.
No idea if he’s tight or completely skint, but he cares enough about to not to make a scene in public about wine, and to address something that could well kill you sensitively and carefully.
You are a functioning alcoholic. He cares enough to raise it.
You have had your wake up call.
Ditch him for being tight, whatever.
But sort out your drinking. Your child deserves more.

I am in no way controlling or coercive, I did not force him to do anything and I resent your comment. I have been very happy to accept the constructive criticism that other posters have kindly given me but yours is way off the mark. He didn't deliberately choose vale meat, he chose very nice meat that was 'great value'... if he was in anyway struggling to feed himself I would 100% step up and support him without question but this is not the case. But thanks for your nasty 'feedback' anyway

[Meggymoo777]

@BurtsBeesKnees

Tell him you need more money to spend on wine so you're dumping him

This may be laugh way harder than I should have 🤣

[imstillfurloughed]

You will always get posts who say you drink too much because some don't drink hardly ever or the odd glass every few weeks so a bottle of wine once a week is a lot to some .
If you feel like you drink too much and want to cut down and most of us have recently then that's fine . Me personally a bottle of wine with a meal in company over a evening is fine .
Like others have said he's so hypocritical and extremely tight too . I'd say he's a little intimidated by you also and is trying to pick at your possible flaws to make himself feel better .

[callmeadoctor]

4 bottles a week is too much? (Oops, goes off to find a counsellor/ bottle )

[RandomMess]

@Meggymoo777 that is such a positive list!!

I think your next conversation with him will be very interesting/telling. I really think proceed with caution, he seems entitled and is trying to be controlling.

I think it's fantastic you are going to consider your alcohol consumption for you and you alone. I have been quite surprised at how many posters seem unaware and the health risks that come with consuming that many units every week as your normal.

[Tiny37373]

I haven't read all the replies but I will hazard a guess that you have been criticised for drinking too much because this is MN and everyone judges anyone who drinks more than a glass of wine at Christmas.

Although drinking 4 bottles of wine a week might not be great for your general health, you are a grown woman capable of making your own choices about your lifestyle and health. It's not affecting your work or parenting by the sounds of it. Too many people like to throw the term alcoholic around without understanding that many people enjoy a regular drink and it stops there. I drink a lot because I enjoy it. I also eat too many chocolate bars but people never accuse me of being addicted to chocolate.

Anyway I'm deviating from the point which is the cheek of this sponger judging you, sulking like a child and happily letting you pay for everything. I totally get the part in your op where you mention the cringe factor and dread that he would just put his shopping along with yours which he did. I had an ex who did the same and although I never wanted to bring it up in the shop and create that awkwardness, I just lost a bit of respect for him everytime he did it.

You are right to distance yourself a bit and to discuss the discrepancies in money. Who cares if he thinks it's tit for tat, it doesn't change the facts or make your point any less valid.

[londonscalling]

Next time you go to the supermarket and he puts the shopping on the conveyor belt with yours, simply separate it with one of those "Next Customer" divider bar things. Then pay for yours and leave him to pay for his!

[puzzledpiece]

Millennials imo tend to be rather puritanical by comparison to other generations, so that maybe part of it? Also rather entitled and hence hijacking your shopping basket.

I don't think the relationship has legs.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

@puzzledpiece

Millennials imo tend to be rather puritanical by comparison to other generations, so that maybe part of it? Also rather entitled and hence hijacking your shopping basket.

I don't think the relationship has legs.

I’m a millennial and I completely agree. I’ve left all forms of (non-anonymous) social media because I want to have some friends. The more I see of my friends’ posts the less I like them!

[famousforwrongreason]

Ditch ditch ditch.
There's a certain kind of guy who dates single mums because they no we always have food in the cupboard...
Only you can answer truthfully whether you think you have issues with alcohol. Maybe something to explore, but bring with a cunt like him won't help you.

He is trying to undermine you and simultaneously use you. Get rid.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@Meggymoo777 I've been following your posts but not commented previously because my own relationship with alcohol is so skewed, as in one glass is too many and a thousand is not enough. At the end of my drinking, I was consuming four bottles a day, so yours seems a drop in the proverbial ocean of wine. And I was still functioning. Even though it's a side issue to the crux of this, which is from what you have said, BF is an utter freeloader and judgmental with it - but it's hard to give a balanced view without hearing all his good points, of which there must be many. Your list sounds excellent. Good luck with it all, and your responses have been very measured and balanced too.

[Meggymoo777]

Just a little update for those who might be interested.

Met with BF last night, said that as far as I was concerned our relationship was in trouble, some of the things I had to say might be awkward or harsh but that we’d nothing to lose so we both had to lay our cards on the table.

In relation to my drinking, he didn’t take back what he had said but did say he had maybe communicated his feelings incorrectly. He said that my consumption made him uncomfortable because he understands that alcoholism must start somewhere, he loves me and that he didn’t want to see me go down a slippery slope. I agreed and said that if my alcohol consumption ever started negatively impacting my life or our relationship or I was drinking for negative reasons (trying to block things out, numb feelings, because I was lonely etc) that I would then appreciate his concern. He apologised for making me feel like he was judging me and that that was not his intention at all.

In relation to shopping/arriving to house with hands empty etc I listed out various instances when I have notice this behaviour, told him I did not appreciate it one bit and wouldn’t put up with it. He apologised, said it was never an intentional thing, he would be more thoughtful in future and be more conscious of it. He apologised if he ever made me feel taken for granted and said his behaviour in our relationship has not been good enough the last few months. All I can do to this end is wait and hope that hes genuine and that I don’t have this issue with him again.

We talked for 4hours, it was very open and honest and I feel lighter and happier this morning. I’m far more confident to continue the relationship than I was when I originally posted but will be remaining very aware of any future similar behaviours.

In relation to my own drinking, I did not have a drink Sun, Mon or Tues. I had a big project come to an end on Wed so treated myself to a lovely bottle of wine. I did not have any alcohol last night, I won’t tonight either and I have bought an expensive bottle of wine to savour on Saturday night! Will continue to try to Drink Better and Drink Less! Thanks for all of the advice again, I’m glad you all helped me work out my thoughts and feelings so that I was able to have a very clear conversation last night and save my relationship! X

[RandomMess]

Good for you on having the conversation and on drinking less but better!!! Your liver will appreciate it even if your wallet doesn't

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Brilliant! It's always good to not play mind reader and once you have been clear there's no excuses any more. Sounds like he took it on the chin too! So obvs You'll have to see but you e done all you can your end!

As for the drinking .., I like to think I'm playing the long game. By not hammering my liver every night I'll conserve it for longer. Then you are mostly saving your drinking for when it's social, or really enjoyable. Too much of a good thing and all that 😉

[monkeymonkey2010]

I listed out various instances when I have notice this behaviour, told him I did not appreciate it one bit and wouldn’t put up with it. He apologised, said it was never an intentional thing, he would be more thoughtful in future and be more conscious of it

He gave you a pathetic few words - no apology - and you accepted it?!!!!!
He DELIBERATELY took the piss out of you....and you're still letting him.

[Meggymoo777]

@monkeymonkey2010

I listed out various instances when I have notice this behaviour, told him I did not appreciate it one bit and wouldn’t put up with it. He apologised, said it was never an intentional thing, he would be more thoughtful in future and be more conscious of it

He gave you a pathetic few words - no apology - and you accepted it?!!!!!
He DELIBERATELY took the piss out of you....and you're still letting him.

To be fair, I had said in my update we had spoken for 4 hours, it wasn't a "pathetic few words" as you have said. I summarised for the sake of this thread. It was a make or break conversation for me, which I made clear to him...I told him how I felt very bluntly, he listened, we communicated very clearly and hopefully now know exactly where we stand. I'll never stop vocalising my dissatisfaction if there is any in the future...but for now, I'm more than satisfied with the conversation we've had. Communication is key x

[HypatiaCade]

Glad you had talked through things with him. Only time will tell if he becomes more thoughtful, but personally I think that early on in a relationship someone tries to show their best sides. What was he like when you were first dating? How quickly and easily did he slip into allowing you to pay for things? And also, his ability to just accept you paying for everything speaks to an indulged person, who rarely has to stand on their own two feet. Is he a youngest or only child that is used to older siblings or parents paying for things frequently? He may not have been intentionally thoughtless, but he doesn't sound like someone who is instinctively thoughful either. And that is quite a significant in someone who is a partner.

[Alisonjabub]

You do relise all the negative comments about him are from the women who are projecting about their own 'arses' and 'misers' that they justify keeping around and to take them with a pinch.

He sounds really nice, im sure its just a case hes gotten a little cheeky putting this and that through and its easy to forget when you get less that getting more doesn't mean its all just free. Although he may be a bit embarrassed especially if he unable to pay and has other financial commitments that leave him broke.

It also could be that he just feels comfortable. Within 6 months of meeting DH and I combined our money without even thinking about it but we know married couples who still keep it separate so its very individual.

You both sound very reasonable and able to discuss things maturely so im sure it will go fine. Youre right to keep it separate so he doesnt think youre getting defensive.

[Notthefutureyet]

Sounds as if he's genuinely concerned about the drinking. You said in an earlier post that you would hold off on a drink Mon to Thurs, but then had a bottle on Wednesday because a big project finished. Not trying to judge but you should think about if this was an excuse to have a drink, finding a positive reason to have a drink is the same as drinking for a negative reason if there's a problem.

You should try to do the full week again next week and see how difficult you find it, or if you come up with a reason to have a drink again.

Might seem a bit harsh, but better to know where you are with this now, rather than further down the road when it could become a bigger issue without you realising.

[Notcrackersyet]

Hi Op
Drinking can be a habit without being an addiction as such. But none-the-less the volume of units consumed can be health impacting. (Gosh that sounds very telling you! But hopefully you know what i mean!)
When I feel I’m starting to drink too much, especially when Im alone, I look at little ways to cut back eg I don’t drink before my food is ready or after I’ve finished eating. I might make a cup of tea/herbal tea and have a little chocolate to help draw a line at the end of the meal or I might sip a tonic water before eating where normally i’d make a g/t or pour a glass of wine. I find I still get the enjoyment of the wine without the guilt of the units.

[monkeyonthetable]

Your description of him gives me the creeps. Unless he is absolutely broke he can contribute to your shared time together with cheap gestures - a small toy for your son, a bunch of flowers for you; offering to cook you a dinner he can afford on his budget.

I would want to get rid of him if he is sponging off you and starting to erode your self confidence by criticising and rejecting you then turning up to get his weekly shopping paid for by you. Yuck.

[monkeyonthetable]

Sorry - I missed your update. Sounds like you had a good conversation.