BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

You're a grown woman and seem very self aware.If you want to drink 4 bottles a week that's your choice and I really think you should dump this tight twat.Hes bringing up your drinking so it takes the focus off the fact he buys fuck all for himself

Note that this post is from someone with the username SauvignonBlanketyBlank.... I suspect that many of the people saying that this level of alcohol consumption is fine might have their own issues. Op I really help you can get the help you need (and not from this unpleasant guy).

[DisobedientHamster]

Jesus wept! People are still going on about the drinking and NOT about this guy being a totally hypocritical, using, cocklodging wannabe git!

[DisobedientHamster]

@pointythings

You need to have a conversation with him - while he lives with you, he should be contributing proportionally to his income. If he doesn't take that on board, bin him off.

The drinking is up to you. It is too much, but I used to drink that much and could happily take it or leave it. I drink a hell of a lot less now and am better for it, but it's your choice and if you do it, it should be for you.

He doesn't live with her, thankfully. So conversation would be 'You're a sponge. Goodbye.'

The drinking, yes, is up to you. I used to drink that amount when I was younger and didn't have kids. I couldn't do it now. I think tolerance naturally declines and taste for it. My max is about a bottle a week (I usually get a box that has 2.25 litres to keep in the fridge and it lasts a month) and nil on holidays in hot weather (alcohol makes me sick in hot weather for some reason). DH is teetotal, he just doesn't like the taste, but he never commented on my drinking. He said if it had bothered him he'd have just broken up with me whilst we were dating, but of course, he was also never sponging off me. Similarly, he smoked when we met. I used to smoke socially, but he smoked all the time. If it had been a dealbreaker, I'd have just left and not carried on with him. I also never commented on it and he stopped of his own accord. Adults know it's not for them to control the behaviour of other adults; if it doesn't suit you in the relationship, you leave before it gets to living together.

So his bringing it up 10 months is very telling.

But again, you evaluate your own self when it comes to drinking, food, etc.

[Dozer]

Yeah, his meanness with money/effort is more than enough reason to call it a day!

[FinallyHere]

rarely a bottle brought to the house and if so, only for him

OK, so for me, this really is worst of all.

Fair enough if you have loads more money than him. But, when he does 'contribute' only bringing stuff for himself would not work for me.

I would encourage you to go cold turkey in both him and the wine.

If you notice the lack of alcohol, you can put that energy you have for life into sorting it out for yourself.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Tell him you need more money to spend on wine so you're dumping him

[Crossornot]

Just dump him. He is taking advantage of you and then trying to shame and belittle you. Probably the latter is to make himself feel better about the former.

If he was really worried about your drinking he could have said to you, with affection and respect the very next morning, do you think you might be drinking a bit too much at the moment? Instead he sulked and disappeared and then shamed you (after you bought his food shopping for him). I think he sounds really awful and you are much too nice and reasonable to be able to see it. Don’t thank him for his “honesty”! He absolutely does not have your best interests at heart. If I were you I would be tempted to send another message saying that you’re sorry your drinking makes him cringe, but him expecting you to buy his dinner like a child in a supermarket made you cringe, so you better part ways, but that’s not very mature....

You really deserve better than this. Next time you date someone make sure they are your equal!

[MostTacticalNameChange]

Urgh it's the sulking that kills things IME.

Is everything ok?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Come on, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Are you sure?

Just tired.

Then days later you get told of your offence but you're just so relieved he's finally talking to you, you daren't defend yourself, just resolve to never upset him again.

I may be projecting a little bit there...but if he has a tendency to that behaviour I dump for that alone, never mind the sponging.

[monkeymonkey2010]

I also think if I raise the issue of unequal spending at this moment he will see it as defensive and in retaliation almost at the conversation around my drinking

That's why he's got in there first so he can wriggle out of you even daring to question the money aspect.
You don't have a problem with alcohol.
You have a problem with someone who blatantly and shamelessly feels entitled to your money and is manipulative.

i had an ex who used to do that at the till, and i totally get what you mean by how excruciatingly embarrassing it feels.
these guys know exactly what they're doing - taking the piss.
They just count on us being desperate enough for a man that we'll put up with it.
I didn't - the last straw was the day he demanded 10p change back from the taxi driver cos he contributed 50p towards the total fare that i paid

[CodenameVillanelle]

Ew, he sounds like a stingy, childish twat. However, he has every right to say that he doesn't feel comfortable with how much you drink.
I don't think you are compatible with each other.

[Meggymoo777]

Thank you all so much for your time in reading my post and the time you have spent on your responses, in the strangest turn of events I met an old friend so randomly on the way home this evening that I haven't spent time with in years. I put myself out there and invited them for dinner tonight at my house, we've had such a lovely night catching up, didn't even have time to talk about our relationship issues, (even though we definitely both have plenty to discuss!) friend is now settled in my lovely cosy guest room and I'm off to bed now... thank you all again, I'd be keen to respond to all of your advice and ask your opinion on what I think may be right to do next tomorrow. Thank you and good night all x

[OutofthelineofFire]

His tightness & his judgement over your enjoyment of wine = bye bye . He sounds a real hypocrite.
You sound lovely & can do much better x

[DisobedientHamster]

Oh, please, give over with the 'them' crap. You're single and living on your own and allowed to have anyone you want staying in your guest room. I hope he sets you straight. Get rid of this bloke who is utterly toxic for both you and your child.

[madwoman1ntheattic]

He earns less than you do, picks up a value pack of meat, and you coerce him into getting a bottle of wine to have with it. He probably couldn’t afford the wine (having deliberately chosen value meat) but really didn’t want to be forced into having The Alcohol Discussion in the supermarket. You had to pay because he had been forced into adding a bottle of wine that he didn’t want (because he doesn’t drink on his own) and couldn’t afford.
No idea if he’s tight or completely skint, but he cares enough about to not to make a scene in public about wine, and to address something that could well kill you sensitively and carefully.
You are a functioning alcoholic. He cares enough to raise it.
You have had your wake up call.
Ditch him for being tight, whatever.
But sort out your drinking. Your child deserves more.

[Mistystar99]

This has got nothing to do with how much wine you drink, it is about him trying to bend you to his will financially (not just buying joint food, but his personal food too! And he feels no shame!) and worse break your spirit by making you feel shit about yourself (for absolutely no good reason imo).
He needs to go and go ASAP.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I've just clocked the buys wine just for him to drink part spotted by an eagle eyed PP.

No effing way. You sound lovely and he is realising that his stinginess is becoming obvious so now he's started picking holes in you. To deflect your attention.

Time to wave bye bye or keep him just for the sex. But I don't think that's even a god idea as I doubt he's even good company any more.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

Jesus wept! People are still going on about the drinking and NOT about this guy being a totally hypocritical, using, cocklodging wannabe

Literally every poster has said that he's a loser and then moved to say that drinking is separate from that.

I'd suspect that with someone nicer (or just with her own lovely DC) she'd have less desire to drink and turn the world a bit fuzzier, so might be win win all round. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[MaybeDoctor]

@Fizzysours

Hi OP as someone who lost a close relative to alchoholism.....what you are drinking is damaging you. Every. Single. Week. Just a little bit but the damage will grow. And you will very likely see no signs for years. But then you will, and your dependency will be there (and more entrenched) and the cognitive decline caused by alcohol will make it impossible for you to tackle.

The ability to function right now, as a younger woman with time on your side, is irrelevant. The damage is occurring. And it may well be your child who then has to support you. Right at the time when they have a yoing family of their own.

Sorry OP I do not mean to be harsh. But explaining away your intake is what people do. It's nit that you do not deserve to relax! It's that 4 bottles a week is damaging you. My relative was fine until the age of 58. Very successful and very charming. No 'drunken gremlin' I can promise you!! And then his last ten years...were not. Maybe you should stop minimising what this guy, who maybe loves you, has said. Fine to dump him for the meanness, but ignoring his concern....it's what people in denial do.

That is a really excellent and hard-hitting post @Fizzysours. You are right, it isn't necessarily now - it's the future. I know of a successful, high-functioning person who is now in a care home with alcohol induced dementia, in their fifties.

I am careful with my drinking (small glasses and rarely a second glass) but I notice that even a small amount increases my desire for more.

[BlingLoving]

I completely disagree that these are 2 separate issues. It's one issue - bf is slowly but surely ensuring that his needs, wants and opinions are prioritised. He has issues with your drinking.... so you must stop. He attempts to keep you off balance for a week by largely ignoring you because he wants to ensure that his opinions will carry more weight- the implied threat being that if you dont want to do what he wants, he will leave you. He is slowly ensuring that you meet his costs not only when together, but apart too.

It's not about money or drinking. It's about the fact that clearly this is not a partnership in any sense of the word. I'd run.

[MaybeDoctor]

OP, if you want to cut down my tips would be:

Get yourself to a charity shop (or Ebay) and buy some vintage wine glasses - they used to be a lot smaller than they are today. You might still find that you are satisfied with three glasses, but if your glasses are 30% smaller you are consuming less.

Have the first glass of wine, as you normally do. The second glass of wine, find something acceptable to dilute it down by 1/3. For me that is fizzy water. Obviously that works better with white than red. I often have a mostly-soft drink in a wine glass, as half the pleasure is actually the feel of the glass in my hand, the look of it...If those cues are right then somehow my brain doesn't mind if it isn't a 'proper' drink.

[passthemustard]

I honestly don't think 4 bottles of wine in a week is 'alcoholic'.

I mean sure if you want to think about cutting down go for it but don't let this freeloading dickhead tell you what to do.

If I was your BF I'd have at least asked if I could contribute to meals, buy the wine etc. I'd have shopped for ingredients and cooked you a lovely meal myself whilst you relaxed with a nice glass of wine.

Don't accept less than you deserve.

[Fizzysours]

Thank you @MaybeDoctor. It's not about the morality of drinking four bottles a week. I was brought up by a single mum...and god, they deserve to relax and treat themselves. It's about the clinical evidence of what that does to the body. Especially the female body....alcohol damages women more...it ain't 'social conditioning that ladies should not drink'...it's clinical fact. Higher body fat = less able to safely metabolise a poison. And alcohol is apoison. And I say this as someone who loved to drink, and is verycheerful tosee my other half relax over a drink. In moderation, nice. Four bottles is not moderation. It is future serious cognitive and physical impairment. OP this is not moralistic lecturing...it's just pointing out the clinical evidence.

[Lysianthus]

@DisobedientHamster

FFS, honestly, Meggy, do not ever mention alcohol on MN! See what I mean, every bit of this man's REALLY toxic behaviour has been buried under talk of units and such.

The FACT is that he's using you, taking advantage of you, and softening up to be further manipulated. And it's working, you said nothing to him on Sunday whilst he watched you buy everything for the lunch (and fucking cook it, too) and for his meal the next day and a bottle of wine to go with his meal that he was having at his, for him, not you. You went back and made the meal. Then he had the nerve to tell you that your drinking (but not his, that you've been paying for) makes him uncomfortable whilst he was stood drinking a glass of wine you bought him and your first reaction was to humour him and feel hurt instead of 'Fuck off! You've been sponging off me for months and you have the bloody cheek to tell me I have a problem?!'

Give your head a shake, seriously. And yes, it is extremely common to move from a person who is abusive in one form to a person who is abusive in another.

He's shaping you up. You'd be utterly daft to give this man a minute more of your time.

Gees, could have taken your DS somewhere nice for a weekend with what you've spunked on this man.

You're paying to have a boyfriend. Who treats you like shit.

As I said get rid of him and you might find yourself not nearly as stressed.

@Meggymoo777 Completely agree with everything @DisobedientHamster says.
If this were MN France, no one would be batting an eyelid.
And let’s not conflate wine with bullying, stingy, CL behaviour.
If he doesn’t apologise when you bring it up, then you know the drill.....
Good luck 🍷

[Fizzysours]

@Lysianthus people are not linking wine consumption with the boyfriend's behaviour. They are saying in a value-neutral way that that much wine is incredibly likely to cause damage which will not be apparent just now. Reaching out to someone so they can consider looking after their present and future selves. Can you comment on my points regarding this?

[Meggymoo777]

Okay, have had time to go through and consider all responses and thanks so much again to you all.

Things I have taken on board/thought about and will consider are:

1 Yes, I drink far too much alcohol and maybe I am defensive about it and his comments may have hit more of a nerve because of this.
2 I really like how one poster mentioned that they drink less but ‘better’, that they invest in a really lovely drink and drink less of it. I think I will steal this and try this from next week.
3 While my drinking may not be affecting me now, my consumption could possibly lead to damage down the line.
4 I have committed, in my own head and for myself and alone, to not drink Mon - to Thurs next week at least. I also won’t be telling BF that I will not be drinking mid week, I don’t think this is any of his business right now and I don’t want him to believe he can change my behaviour.
5 My BFs assuming behaviour is way out of line and I’m right to see that it is not acceptable. When I have my next conversation with him I will be explaining this very clearly. He is not on the breadline, his outgoings are hugely less than mine and when it comes down to it, he could possibly have more disposable income than I do per week.
6 At a minimum, I will be pulling back a bit from BF after this for a few reasons. His stingy behaviour, his judgment of me, his hypocritical criticism of my drinking. I also can see that I maybe don’t want anymore commitment in a relationship at this time, I appear to be unwilling to compromise and change my behaviour to suit somebody else... and I’m completely fine with this.

I have a girlfriend coming over this evening and will be discussing all of this with her too. I’m going to enjoy my weekend and then speak to BF next week. I’ll definitely be discussing the lack of contribution even if I risk it seeming like tit for tat. It needs to be said and not because I need the contribution from him but because I feel taken for granted. I’m thinking now that I will be saying to him that we’ll be limiting our time together back to one or two evenings max for the time being. While I know I’ve only discussed the negatives about him (which was the purpose of this thread) he does have lots of good qualities but right now I’m not as confident as I used to be that this relationship has longevity and we maybe need to go back to just dating again, walks, drives etc. I won’t be inviting him to my family’s dinners etc or sharing my time with DS with him. I think he has maybe become too comfortable in my home and taken it for granted and I’m not comfortable with that.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to help me unravel my thoughts on this and I'll definitely update when I have one x