BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Meggymoo777]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond and advise, I really do appreciate it, it has been very helpful and I'll give an update when I have one for anyone who might be interested.

Goodnight all and thank you again x

[SleepingStandingUp]

I like my glasses full. My bottle is DEF 3 glasses 🍾🍷🍷

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@user1471457751

I hope you are not driving the morning after drinking a bottle of wine when you take your son to his dad's or go to your meetings. You could still be well over the drink drive limit

That's really unlikely. She starts at 3pm on a Sunday, drinks about 12 units. It's units plus one hours to process. 13 hours takes her to 4am, assuming she's not necking the last two glasses at 2am.

[DisobedientHamster]

FFS, honestly, Meggy, do not ever mention alcohol on MN! See what I mean, every bit of this man's REALLY toxic behaviour has been buried under talk of units and such.

The FACT is that he's using you, taking advantage of you, and softening up to be further manipulated. And it's working, you said nothing to him on Sunday whilst he watched you buy everything for the lunch (and fucking cook it, too) and for his meal the next day and a bottle of wine to go with his meal that he was having at his, for him, not you. You went back and made the meal. Then he had the nerve to tell you that your drinking (but not his, that you've been paying for) makes him uncomfortable whilst he was stood drinking a glass of wine you bought him and your first reaction was to humour him and feel hurt instead of 'Fuck off! You've been sponging off me for months and you have the bloody cheek to tell me I have a problem?!'

Give your head a shake, seriously. And yes, it is extremely common to move from a person who is abusive in one form to a person who is abusive in another.

He's shaping you up. You'd be utterly daft to give this man a minute more of your time.

Gees, could have taken your DS somewhere nice for a weekend with what you've spunked on this man.

You're paying to have a boyfriend. Who treats you like shit.

As I said get rid of him and you might find yourself not nearly as stressed.

[DisobedientHamster]

Maybe though, that experience has made me less willing to compromise in future relationships or accept criticism, pushed me too far the other way...

Honestly, catch yourself on here! See how well his strategy is working, you are already doubting yourself, whilst still paying for him to cocklodge at yours. How bloody dare he expect YOU to 'compromise' or 'accept criticism' when he's been mooching off you for months, how dare he undermine your confidence and make you question yourself but not question his taking your money. Do you people who care about you take advantage of you, use you, swizz you? Do your friends do this? Thought not. Then why on Earth should you take it off someone?

No, you haven't gone the other way too much at all, in fact, the opposite, you should have cut this leech off months ago. This person has no business in yours or your son's lives. He's bad news.

[Monty27]

Not is he a cocklodger OP but he's now criticising and judging you. Red flags for sure.
I'd soon be telling him to pay up and stfu.
You sound amazing

[ExhaustedFlamingo]

For me, definitely a mix of issues here.

After a year and a half, not unreasonable to voice gentle concerns about excess drinking. And the language he used is how the experts recommend you tackle it "when you do this thing, it makes me feel like this".

You are drinking a hell of a lot of wine. Every week. And I think what concerns me slightly is that in a number of your posts you've denied there could be a problem because you're not falling into bed drunk, and are still perfectly functional. While you have acknowledged your intake is high, your repeated denial of there being a real problem because you're completely functional is a red flag. It's not the business of anyone here, but I really think it's worth an honest look at yourself. You mention that you like a glass of wine to unwind occasionally in the week. That's fine. One glass won't do any harm. But you're not just having one glass and that's the thing. Drinking 4-5 bottles of wine a week is more than the occasional glass to chill and unwind. Maybe just a bit of moderation is all you need. Your call, just voicing an observation.

All of that aside, he sounds like a man child. He needed a week to himself because he didn't like you drinking - rather than instigate a conversation at the time. He constantly piggybacks onto your money. He doesn't do anything to show his appreciation of all you do. Ugh. My vagina would be drier than the Gobi Desert.

I've been with someone like this and I got rid. I couldn't bear it. Sure, you can talk to him about it but in my experience, a guy that's willing to act like this in the first place won't change his innate character. You're his sugar mummy, essentially.

If you've told him you need space, now is a good time to make the break. Sometimes we do feel judged - and sometimes that's because the comments hit a nerve. I think if you have the kind of relationship where you can reflect, discuss and move on, it's fine. But it almost feels as if his comments are just the straw that broke the camel's back. You've been looking after another child, without even realising it.

[Ringsender2]

I agree with @Pantsomime

[RandomMess]

I have to agree with Flamingo @Meggymoo777 - the way you describe your wine drinking you are a functioning alcoholic, you are alcohol dependent. Needing it to relax, regularly consume a bottle in one go, don't think it matters because you still function fine etc.

Completely separate issue to the BF you deserve so much better than him!

[FabulousUsername]

Meggy, I felt so sad reading your OP.. it's not the way a caring partner should act. I couldn't imagine speaking to a friend in such a judgemental way, even if it is the suggested language for an 'intervention'. I'm in something of a similar situation, having left an abusive man and now have a lovely life and a great partner who doesn't live with me full time, and I would feel like the rug had been pulled from under me if my partner spoke to me like that after I'd shopped and made a nice lunch.. but he wouldn't! Not while he was essentially a guest in my house, at least!

I drink as much as you do and the comments re high functioning alcoholic have stung a bit, although it's not my thread 😂 .. I'm also trying to lose a bit of weight so from today I'm going to try to keep it to a glass max per night. It's too easy to finish a bottle once it's opened but henceforth the cork will go back in! If you decide to cut down on your drinking, do it for yourself and your own health. Is it possible to cool it with this man for a while?

[FabulousUsername]

Just read through the rest of your posts, I can see you're already there. You deserve better. I hope he realises how badly he has handled this! If he comes back with huge apologies, perhaps you can raise the issue of his freeloading and how uncomfortable it has made you feel?

[BillieEilish]

@DisobedientHamster @Aquamarine1029 are right OP

The alcohol consumption is irrelevant and people will absolutely delight in analysing it on here.

You don't drink too much and he is using it to make you doubt yourself and control you and shift the emphasis from his glaringly poor behaviour.

I had a bf exactly like this. Oldest trick in the book. Be it drinking, shopping, weight bla bla bla.

Your life is a success and you enjoy it. You should be proud of yourself.
His is not.

[BillieEilish]

You should have swapped calories for units in your OP.

[ThatsNotMyMeerkat]

Most posters have clearly articulated there are two different issues at play here, and that this guy is a dick who needs to go in the bin.
But it is ridiculous to say she’s not drinking too much. She’s drinking nearly three times the recommended units per week.

[Tlollj]

Well you do drink too much, but that’s besides the point I think. He’s sponging off you and criticising you at the same time. Bloody cheek!
Have a conversation about paying his way his reaction will, I think, tell you all you need to know.

[Arrivederla]

I am going to disagree with a lot of the posters on here and say that you are drinking too much and you are probably alcohol dependent, and he is perfectly entitled to say if it is making him uncomfortable.

Of course he should be contributing to food etc. but it does read as if that didn't really bother you until he touched a nerve by commenting on your drinking.

[Hedgehog44]

I don't think 4 bottles of wine a week is a problem! Not at all. To somebody who doesn't drink it might seem excessive but it's quite a normal amount. God knows what his problem is when he drinks himself. He sounds like he doesn't like you enjoying yourself unless it's his idea. He also sounds incredibly tight which is more of an issue. If he can bring up your drinking then you can bring up his failure to contribute.

[Daisydoesnt]

OP I’m sorry but I were your BF I’d be worried about your drinking too - that is such a lot. And the fact that you say your behaviour doesn’t change and off you go to work each morning makes it worse. You do know that don’t you?? I’m sorry but it just shows how used to that much alcohol you are!!!

He undoubtedly should be putting his hand in his pocket, there’s no question of that. But you can’t throw your hospitality back in his face, that’s totally unreasonable. Otherwise are you saying that he isn’t allowed to say these tubings to you, when I bet he’s really worried??

That kind of drinking will be having a massive effect on your health (liver, cancer risk ). He loves you; is he supposed to just sit there and not say anything??? Last Monday was obviously bad if he was upset about it all week, whatever you might tell yourself.

[Fizzysours]

Hi OP as someone who lost a close relative to alchoholism.....what you are drinking is damaging you. Every. Single. Week. Just a little bit but the damage will grow. And you will very likely see no signs for years. But then you will, and your dependency will be there (and more entrenched) and the cognitive decline caused by alcohol will make it impossible for you to tackle.

The ability to function right now, as a younger woman with time on your side, is irrelevant. The damage is occurring. And it may well be your child who then has to support you. Right at the time when they have a yoing family of their own.

Sorry OP I do not mean to be harsh. But explaining away your intake is what people do. It's nit that you do not deserve to relax! It's that 4 bottles a week is damaging you. My relative was fine until the age of 58. Very successful and very charming. No 'drunken gremlin' I can promise you!! And then his last ten years...were not. Maybe you should stop minimising what this guy, who maybe loves you, has said. Fine to dump him for the meanness, but ignoring his concern....it's what people in denial do.

[Fizzysours]

Arrgghhh typo fingers

[Daisydoesnt]

I don't think 4 bottles of wine a week is a problem! Not at all. To somebody who doesn't drink it might seem excessive but it's quite a normal amount

That’s 40 units of alcohol

The maximum recommended for a woman is 14.

And remember, that’s the upper recommended limit - it’s not a target you should be trying to hit!!

So four bottle might be a ‘normal amount’ for you but is THREE TIMES the recommended maximum!

[Bananalanacake]

Don't let him move in with you. I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

Glad you're getting rid! You sound so hard working and a lovely mum, you deserve someone who looks after you too, and even if they have less, is sure to pay their share.

I also wonder if you and your therapist have looked at alternative ways of self care? It sounds like you're doing it all, and no wonder you are turning to something that you find comforting, but 4+ bottles a week for a woman is a huge amount.

To put this into perspective, studies show (linked via NHS) that drinking above 12.5 units a week is associated with loss of years of life, even accounting for socio-economic factors etc.

In 4.5 bottles, you are drinking 45 units in a week.

Guidance for women is 14 units (they say 10 glasses, but that's based on a 175ml glass, which is about half of what most people would pour at home). www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/alcoholic-drinks-and-units/latest-uk-alcohol-unit-guidance
www.nhs.uk/news/lifestyle-and-exercise/people-who-drink-above-uk-alcohol-guidelines-lose-one-two-years-life/

You deserve better than this, and I'm sure you want your son to have a healthy mum who's well and with him for a long time, this is not the best way.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

So let me see if I've got this. He's decided to get annoyed about something that until recently was fine, while contributing nothing at all ever? Once they start getting all sanctimonious about drinking it's the beginning of the end and he might be online dating and think he's into something better which would explain the convenient timing.

So. While you wait for dating to start again yourself I'd keep him in the departure lounge. Don't drink on the one or two week nights you see him. Don't invite him to your family weekend, maybe see him fri or sat (not both) and on that night you do drink. But ensure he goes home on Sunday before anyone is there. He is, effectively, no longer invited to the party. If he questions it say 'well I know how uncomfortable it makes you'. Then change the subject.

You could set the scene by saying 'I've been thinking about what you said and I think we need to switch it up a bit. Why don't you come over tues and fri (or whenever) and we don't drink on those nights?' No mention of other nights, no invites. You do actually have the control to decide to see less of him plus we all know sober sex is better.

When you do see him you might want to say something like 'I'm glad we are finally talking about things. I've wanted to say for a long time that I'm uncomfortable with how you don't contribute to any of the food or wine and as we dont live together I'm doing all the housework etc too. If I'm honest I feel a bit used' Said with the right pious look on your face and sans wine what can he say? Cheeky fucker.

Put him in his box and keep him around long enough to get back out there. He's useful for sex but let's face it he's never going to be Mr Fun or Mr Dynamic.

[SallyWD]

Him sponging is not acceptable and I'm surprised he's not embarrassed by it. That alone is reason to have a serious conversation with him and consider finishing with him. However I do think you're drinking way too much. It doesn't matter if you have high tolerance or feel in control. It's still affecting your body even if you can't feel it. For the sake of your child and your health you need to cut back.