BF - issues with unequal spending and my drinking

[Meggymoo777]

Could do with some perspective or advice on this.

(Warning: this has turned out to be a huge rant and I completely understand if I don’t get any responses! I don't even know if it makes sense but has helped to write things out anyhow)

Have been seeing my BF for just over a year and half. Things have been really good, share the same sense of humour, enjoy spending time together, sex is great etc. He met my DS8 in Feb this year and they get on well.

I am older by a few years and earn substantially more than BF, stressful, high pressure job but as a single Mum I’m proud of how I’ve excelled over the years without the assistance of any maintenance/benefits etc.

Over lockdown BF spent a lot more time at my home (was isolating on his own in own home close by when not with me). During this time I shopped, cooked for us all etc and now that I look back I realise he did not really contribute to any of this in any substantial way e.g. Has forgotten his wallet when going to the shop, didn’t have cash when getting takeout, never so much as brought a treat for my son when visiting before or during lockdown. I get that I earn more but my outgoings are also far greater. But I didn’t really dwell on these instances until last week.

Invited him for dinner with me and DS Mon last week. All fine, dinner lovely, played board games, I had a bottle of wine. Woke up early Tues, did my usual morning routine, dropped off DS to his Dads, called to his school for meeting, did full days work, home and did housework etc. Was due to stay with BF that night but when I rang he seemed off, said he was tired so I let him be and stayed home. Seemed off for the rest of the week too so I didn’t go chasing him, did my own thing.

Arranged to meet BF on Sun, was coming to my house for walk, lunch etc. Went shopping for roast lunch bits together, going around the shop he found a particular meat dish that he said was ‘great value’ and would do for his dinner the following day. He picked up a few other bits too and I suggested he pick up a bottle of wine for himself to go with the roast dinner.

Getting to the till and I just knew he would let all his bits go through with my shopping for lunch, cringed, hoped he wouldn’t do it... and he did.

I was pissed but said nothing, was happy to see him and don’t want to ruin my own Sunday.

Get home, I get our lovely lunch on, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and I get ready to chill with the papers. Then he says he wasn’t just tired all week... that he didn’t want to see my after I had drank wine on Mon night previous. That my mid week drinking is now making him uncomfortable. I ask how it makes him uncomfortable, was it something in my behaviour? He said no, my behaviour does not change at all. I ask if it is the fact that ‘on paper’ I drink too much, potentially borderline high functioning alcoholic? He says yes. He also says when I have a glass of wine of an evening he feels alone. He also admits how totally hypocritical this is as he stands with a glass of wine in his hand.

I tell him I hear him, I understand what he is saying, I will take it on board and think about it but not make any decisions or make much comment right now. We continue with the evening and I ruminate more and more. By the time I go to bed my jaw is clenched and I have a headache.

It is true that I drink more than the average person (2 x midweek / 2 x wknd nights on average). I have never denied that I enjoy a drink and he has with me on numerous occasions. However, I am a great mother, daughter, friend, employee. Hugely involved in parents council/local community groups etc. Alcohol does not affect my productivity.

I feel so judged and hurt. I always welcome him into my home, cook lovely meals, keep my home tidy, clean, warm, he runs up my bills warming ridiculous amounts of water for baths etc and he contributes very little. Then he tells me that I make him uncomfortable in my home by having a few glasses of wine which he admits does not affect my behaviour in anyway. Even if he’d said he was worried about me or my health I would understand but it was all about him.

Am I justified in thinking that this is a red flag, that I shouldn’t be expected to change my behaviour in my own home or feel judged for unwinding with alcohol for the sake of someone else’s comfort who doesn’t live here, pay bills, put food on the table etc. I now can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve paid for shopping/dinners out/greater portions of nights away etc. I know the two things are separate issues but they’re muddling together on my head and I just don’t see a way of coming back from this with him.

If you reached this far, thank you so much and any advice is appreciated.

[Drybird2020]

He is a cocklodger, get rid.

Separately, if you are giving that much headspace to your drinking, then that's an issue. People who don't have a problem with booze don't spend that much time thinking about it. I say this as someone who has had issues with alcohol.

[AhNowTed]

Not only is he ungenerous, he's positively tight fisted and a user.

That would eat away at any respect or affection I had.

[willowmelangell]

Is he 12? What a knob. Sulking, complaining then expecting something from you. This relationship sounds very skewed in his favour. He is doing very well out of it.

[Meggymoo777]

@TossaCointoYerWitcher your post made me laugh so much and is so spot on 😂 After over a year and a half of being with me and indulging in midweek drinks (mostly at my expense, rarely a bottle brought to the house and if so, only for him) he has now said my drinking on 'school nights' makes him uncomfortable... while he's drinking on a school night 🙄

[Onthemaintrunkline]

I can’t believe the utter cheek of this guy! He feels it’s ok to criticise you, whilst you pay for his groceries, I mean what the heck!!
You are ok to pick up his tab, and it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve said, now he expects it!!
What a freeloading dead weight he sounds. I feel you are being well and truly used, try not to be bitter, just end things with him. Good luck.

[Aquamarine1029]

You have landed yourself a hypocritical cocklodger. Time to get rid. As for you drinking too much, what a load of bollocks. He's just trying to control you.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

Well, i agree with everyone else that there ate a number of different issues.
The relationship Does not have long term prospects. He is mean and expects you to pay his way. He called you off when it was his turn to host.

But you have had pointed out you drink too much Which you agree with but don't think is a problem.
Do you think people who have a problem can always recognise it in themselves as quickly as other see it? I also noticed you've said it is four bottles youre drinking, but you always say ‘a glass’. You can’t just be having a glass a night and getting through so much. How much are you actually drinking each evening?

[justilou1]

I am reading this and fuming on your behalf.... this guy is beginning to show you who’s the boss. This is a control thing. He’s making you feel guilty about something that makes you feel good. (It’s more normal than it’s not, let’s face it, and he’s making you feel ugly about it, while also indulging.... Massive red flags!)

[willsa]

I'd say you are incompatible. Both somewhat right, somewhat wrong. Not necessarily a good match.

Honestly, after a year and a half of being in a relationship I do think he has a "right" to voice his opinion on your drinking. We might question HOW he does it but not if he's allowed to mention it. Reverse sexes here and some of the responses would be wildly different. The way you refer to "being judged in my own home", " my hospitality", "that you can't be with someone you need to change your behaviour for"...it's your boyfriend you're talking about! And it's not like he's asking you to cut down on morning jogs or something.
I, for example, don't think that all externally initiated change is automatically bad and requires defensiveness.

And maybe I'm biased by my recent experiences but you sound a tad rigid and controlling. Some of your expressions are like copy-paste from my ex. He way out earned me, "welcomed" me into his home, paid for a lot in my life (upon his own insistance) and none of it was a problem until..it was. If I asked to cut down on the weed habit somewhat. Questioned him at all. On anything. Then all of a sudden "HIS home", "HIS hospitality", "HIS money".
So he well might see it as tit- for - tat. I did.
But then again, he was controlling in many ways and it very well might not be the situation here.

In any case, if he can afford to pay his way, he should. He definitely should be able to feed himself! Or pay for family dinner. Otherwise it's taking the piss even if he's a low earner! He is in the wrong there for sure.

[Meggymoo777]

No, definitely not a glass @MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood very honestly, I guess due to my consumption being so consistent I could have a bottle of wine to myself and barely feel tipsy, I have a high tolerance and good control of myself, even on the wildest of nights out (which are sooo rare!) A "bad" week could go like this, sometimes less:

Sun: 5 glasses (if cooking big lunch at my house or with my parents which would be very regular, we're really close, so 1st glass while cooking about 3pm, bed by 11pm)
Tues or Wed : 3glasses (bed by 11.30/12.00)
Friday: 6 glasses (TGIF 🙄)
Saturday: 4 glasses

[Meggymoo777]

I totally appreciate what you're saying @willsa but I genuinely don't see myself as a controlling person in anyway. I'm incredibly laid back when it comes to our relationship, have never put pressure on him for anything, don't question or even wonder what he does when he's not with me. All I want is fun, companionship and obviously the sex is important! While I really value our relationship I'm not looking for marriage, babies etc

I do think I'm maybe a little guarded or proud (maybe not right words) because I work so hard to create a life for me and my son - so it is 'MY' home and 'MY' hospitality and 'MY' money, and I don't want it taken for granted or thrown back at me. He's the first man I've ever introduced to my son after 7 years of dating and now I'm sorry I didn't take it even more slowly because it feels I've made a mistake.

[TatianaBis]

That’s a lot of wine OP.

And it’s a lot of whine from your soon to be ex?

[willsa]

On a different note OP, I'm surprised how you achieve so much! Work, child, parents, friends, school involvement, cooking from scratch, boyfriend, catching up on papers, keeping house clean, everything organised and payed on time, chill time with a drink.
I achieve probably 20% of that a week.
What's the secret? Is it the wine?
No answer needed, just marvelling!

[mrbob]

That is a lot of alcohol. I think you should probably address that (you are making a lot of excuses as to why it is ok but it really isn’t)

In terms of the man I think you need to really say something to him about the money. His response will tell you everything. If he is a dick about it then he goes. If he mends his ways and is apologetic and then gets on with his paying his way without making pointed comments then he stays

[johnd2]

To give another perspective, he has used almost the textbook way of speaking to family, ie "when you do x it makes me feel y" which is supposed to be the best way to do it.
I think the problem might be that you haven't been doing that and he hasn't taken away any feedback from you on the money thing. You have to be clear how his behaviour is making you feel, and only then you can expect him to either change or talk further with you etc, and then you can decide whether you are right for each other. It's all too common for people to resent reach other for not behaving how they want but without communicating satisfactorily about it.
My suggestion would be something along the lines of "when i pay for so much it makes me feel used" then he can understand that. You may need to prompt "how do you think we should solve this" as there may be legitimate reasons and you need to both be in listening mode.
Like you say it's not the money that's the issue it's the principle, so understanding how each other feeld is the first step to resolving it.
Good luck!

[Meggymoo777]

@willsa Ha ha! Your post makes me sound fabulous but I'm far from it 😂 I'm just an organiser by nature (and profession) and I don't come from the most amazing background which I think just makes me determined. Don't get me wrong though... my house gets messy, I get stressed and overworked and I occasionally throw chips in the oven for tea! Ohhh... and I consume too much alcohol! 🙄😂 But aren't we all perfectly imperfect!

[willsa]

@Meggymoo777
I think I "get it" better now. You are very independent, confident and proud (rightly so).
Maybe a classic case of "I don't really need a man" but would like to have one when I do. I don't blame you. And with no plans for marriage and babies, why would you want to completely enmesh your life with someone, which always requires compromises.
If you really like your life as is, you have to find someone who fits in "as is". With this guy there are too many edges that rub.
I think you need to find the independent and proud copy of yourself. OP, you can achieve a lot but it does sound like it would be wonderful for you to have someone arrive at yours with a bag of wonderfully chosen groceries, cook you a dinner and pour you a glass. Or two. Not three. Unless it's Friday

[DisobedientHamster]

@Aquamarine1029

You have landed yourself a hypocritical cocklodger. Time to get rid. As for you drinking too much, what a load of bollocks. He's just trying to control you.

This! 100%! He is softening you up with this behaviour and 'uncomfortable' talk to make you doubt yourself and capitulate to him even more. And you can never ever talk about alcohol on MN unless it's that you drink nearly none even if there are other huge issues going on (such as his being a lazy, sponging cocklodger wannabe) because people will spend ages dissecting just that.

Look at the bigger picture here: this man is seriously entitled, lazy AF, comes at yours to take advantage of you. He should be having zero opinion or involvement in yours or your child's life.

STOP humouring or engaging with him at all. He's stepping up the control. You are NOT controlling, FFS, he's got you dancing round him, paying without says a peep, cooking meals, indulging his baths, and then actually not have told him to fuck right off when he's there drinking wine you bought and telling you that you drink too much.

This is how emotionally manipulative relationships start, the person seems nice at first.

Catch yourself on! Get rid of him. No chances, no discussions because he's shown you it's all about him and your paying for it.

Never mind the wine, you'll probably find you drink less of it when you're not playing MasterChef for him at your expense.

'This relationship is no longer working for me and I am ending it. I wish you luck in the future.'

He'll try to edge in because he's got it made and also because he doesn't want his little plan of eventually having you asking 'How high?' when he says 'Jump!' and paying him for the privilege so you can't give him any more chances.

He's a manipulative user.

[DisobedientHamster]

See what I mean? Nearly every post is about your drinking and how, scarily, you somehow need this cocklodger's involvement to solve it. That's dangerous! And again, you might find it slows way down once you're not stressing about your increased bills, buying his shopping and then cooking him a restaurant meal.

The real issue is HIM, his complete taking advantage of you and now trying to manipulate and control your behaviour.

GET RID. This is textbook how someone who ends up being a coercive controller works, and yes, they take their time doing it.

Been there, done that!

[Meggymoo777]

Completely take on board your comments about communication @johnd2 and I think I realised his method of "When you do X it makes me feel like Y", he spoke quite carefully. That's why I carefully chose my response by telling him that I heard and understood what he was saying and how he was feeling and would take it on board and think about it.We will definitely need to have a very frank discussion about all of this and I suppose I reached out to MN to help establish how I actually feel so that I am confident and clear and concise when the time comes that we next sit down and talk. And I'm getting there I think with all of your responses.

[Meggymoo777]

I think that's it @willsa My life is perfectly lovely without a man, having my BF has been lovely but I don't yearn for huge commitment or codependency etc have been completely self sufficient for so long so unless someone is bringing something fantastic to the table and truly enriching my life and making it easier/better then I don't see the point. Maybe I do need to find someone more like myself, more independent etc

[Meggymoo777]

@DisobedientHamster thank you for your post and advice and a lot of it resonates with me. My DS father was really very awful, the relationship was incredibly toxic, he was sometimes violent and by the end of it I really was a shadow of my former self and had changed so much and become so quiet just to keep the peace in the house. Since plucking the courage to leave I have excelled in every aspect of my life and I'll never let the same thing happen again. Maybe though, that experience has made me less willing to compromise in future relationships or accept criticism, pushed me too far the other way...

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Meggymoo777

No, definitely not a glass *@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood* very honestly, I guess due to my consumption being so consistent I could have a bottle of wine to myself and barely feel tipsy, I have a high tolerance and good control of myself, even on the wildest of nights out (which are sooo rare!) A "bad" week could go like this, sometimes less:

Sun: 5 glasses (if cooking big lunch at my house or with my parents which would be very regular, we're really close, so 1st glass while cooking about 3pm, bed by 11pm)
Tues or Wed : 3glasses (bed by 11.30/12.00)
Friday: 6 glasses (TGIF 🙄)
Saturday: 4 glasses

That bad week is 6 bottles, which is clearly nearly a bottle a night. I have a high alcoh threshold too and I think it can throw your judgement off. I can certainly drink two bottles in a night by myself and then drink something extra and be functional but I think if a bad week is 6 bottles you really should be talking to your counsellor more about your drinking

[Meggymoo777]

@SleepingStandingUp Not attempting to minimise, I do know the intake is very high but I would consider 4 glasses ~ 1 bottle, so my bad week above is 4.5 bottles... still not great though I know.

[user1471457751]

I hope you are not driving the morning after drinking a bottle of wine when you take your son to his dad's or go to your meetings. You could still be well over the drink drive limit