Set me some sneaky challenges?

[Sneakiesnow]

DH is really interfering. He isn't possessive or jealous or controlling outwardly at all, but he seems to know exactly when I've eaten a sneaky mcdonalds despite hiding it at the bottom of the bin, he knows me inside out and I feel a bit smothered. Sometimes, he even follows me to the toilet. I have friends who I see regularly but I crave more privacy from him.

Today I decided to challenge myself to do something that he doesn't pick up on- right under his nose. Whilst he was in the garden working, I've made a cake. One that requires no baking. I managed to wash everything up and dried all the utensils quickly before hiding it underneath some packaging in the fridge.

I want to see if I can get away with him not noticing! He is always the first to sniff out my baking,or notice I've used the whisk before cutting a big slice for himself.

This silly little challenge has given me such a buzz and spring in my step- I want to do more.

I don't want to hurt or upset him, this is something for me, to feel more independent again and less 'watched' I guess. He isn't at all threatening so I feel perfectly safe to get found out.

Can I have some sneaky ideas?

It is completely outwardly controlling though - ‘regulating everyday behaviour’ is part of the definition of coercive control in the Crown Prosecution Service guidelines. This man has no respect at all for personal boundaries - he talks at you most of the time, he follows you to the toilet so you cannot have privacy there, he watches you when you are leaving the house (I am almost surprised he does not follow you, except that he does the next most stalkerish thing, which is constantly phone you). What happens if you say stop or do not pick up the phone?

He is not obviously isolating you from your friends, but he is calling when they are there to disturb your time with them (don’t tell him when you have a friend over?). He is monitoring you the entire time by the sounds of it.

The poster upthread who pointed out the normal behaviour at the counsellor was spot on when they said it shows that this behaviour can be switched on and off.

I do think trying to carve out space for yourself and a life which he cannot see is a healthy response to this - I hope like other posters that this space eventually extends to your own house and freedom to do what you like and visit the bathroom in peace.

Until then, my sneaky challenge is not to tell him when you have friends over and not to tell him when you visit friends when he is not there - they are your support network and you need that.

This is really unhealthy behaviour. You guys need a serious conversation. Is he inferring you're eating too much?

@KatySun your post really resonates with me a lot. Thank you so much for this. Your challenge to carve out space for myself I think is a fantastic response. I too hope that eventually it grows into a larger space, such as my own home too.

Is this for real? Next time he goes rooting through the bin tell him firmly to stop it right now and you dont appreciate it and it is not funny at all. Same goes for when he follows you to the toilet. Tell him to back off and give you your privacy. Start today! Stop being so submissive and stand up for yourself. When he phones when you are out. Dont answer or phone back a lot later and say it was on silent etc or you were in the middle of talking to your friend. Like i say start today! Don't put up with this nonsense! I assume you are trying to make this light hearted as you are embarrassed about the situation.

@Sneakiesnow

I think he does see me as an extension of him, rather like a possession than a person. Outwardly, he is a kind and gentle person, well-liked, but very insecure. Living with him is a different story-but still isn't Outwardly controlling or smothering, it seems to come across through his nosey questions, or watching me through the window as I reverse the car out of the driveway to go shopping, or having to call me a few times to ask me about "important" nonsense when I've invited a friend over when he's at work.

What does he do if you don't answer? If you turn your phone to silent and put it out of the way?

Does he come home because he's 'afraid you had an accident?'

What would he do if you treated him the same way he treats you, would he love it or hate it?

Challenge him.

If he roots through the bin, ask him what point he's trying to prove

If he rings you constantly when you have friends over then ignore the calls and afterwards, ask him why he constantly feels that he has priority over your time even when he's not there.

When he follows you to the toilet, ask him if he realises how creepy and inappropriate it is for one adult to smother another adult to the extent that you can't even have a shit in peace.

Challenge it, each and every time. Don't accommodate him, stop modifying your behaviour in response to his control. Push back.

Lots to think about Sneakysnow!

Was the cake nice?!

I suggest you sign up for the freedom program and then attend it secretly. He appears controlling from what you've said.

What did I just read?

You're being controlled by a fatty food obsessed weirdo,

RUN.

Just to clarify- he doesn't rummage through bins infront of me.

He just seems to 'notice' the packaging even when I think I've hidden underneath a few other wrappers, I doubt that he goes through the bin every day. I just seem to always get caught out!

Why do you think of it as being 'caught out'? You are allowed to eat anything you like - you're an adult!

He just seems to 'notice' the packaging even when I think I've hidden underneath a few other wrappers, I doubt that he goes through the bin every day. I just seem to always get caught out!

But how does he always find out? Do you routinely notice what's in the bin further down under other stuff? I don't and I doubt that you do either. Logically speaking the only way to know this is to go through the bin contents. Given the fact he won't leave you alone long enough to go to the loo, I think it's highly likely he's doing this.

You could plant something in the garden and see if he notices. You could go to the shop and take your car for a sneaky car wash.

I can't understand this!

The first post is disturbing enough, but the thought that there are OTHER posters giving suggestions, as if it's a normal situation is just insane to me.

This thread has been bothering me all day. I have visions of a great big fat man demanding to know if his skinny wife has eaten...then loooming over here blocking the light when she tries to wee in peace,

I could have written your post, OP. Always chattering at me, following me down the hallway chatting even when I'm bouncing about at the bathroom door bursting for a pee he's still standing there like yap yap yap.

If I make myself a little snack, beans on toast or something he will ask me "did you like your beans on toast last night?" even when theres no evidence of me having made it! I had a rare night to myself 2 weeks ago so decided to chill out and watch a movie. Bottle of wine later and I get the munchies and order myself a pizza. Leftovers went in the kitchen bin, tied the bag up and put it in the wheely bin outside before I went to bed, and he still asked me in the morning "how was your pizza?" ????!!! How does he even know?! I also do the hiding packaging thing but he always always spots it and comments.

I've taken to going out while he's at work just for random drives. No purpose, not going anywhere. Then dropping into conversation a few days later "oh yeah I saw x while I was driving past the other day....." I can tell he HATES it because it's something I've done without him knowing

How was the cake??

Sneakiesnow I hope you carve out enough space for your own place and peace.

You do not need to answer on here but please make sure you have an independent income and account. If you have a joint account and he monitors what you spend, then you need a separate account (and he does not have a right to monitor it). Try and save for a deposit. Work out where you want to live. Think about what you need to make your own place and peace a reality. Good luck

@CrabtreeEstate
Do you get autistic vibes from your DH?

Reading your post, your DH sounds creepily controlling which is how my DH must come across on mine too. But I actually think he has a real lack of social/relationship skills.

He likes to know everything about everyone, not just me. Is yours the same? It must be emotionally draining being them. He constantly yaps on about everyones private business. He lives through everyone else, completely neglecting his own life goals or self improvement.

The cake was amazing, I made myself feel quite sick. It was a biscoff fridge cake.