Boyfriend keeps leaving me whenever we have an argument!!

[gothicmummy]

OK so me and my partner have been together 4/5 years, we have a child together, every single time we have an argument he will finish with me and pack his stuff and go, it could be for weeks or months but so far he's always come back. I really don't understand why he keeps doing this, we are mostly happy and content it's just when we argue he has to finish me, it's almost like he's running away from resolving any issues, usually our arguments end up in blazing rows because he refuses to talk about things like an adult, he will laugh in my face when I'm trying to explain whatever is it that is annoying me/hurt me whatever, he calls me pathetic and a joke amongst other stuff, I know it sounds stupid but I do love this man and I'm sick of being treated like this whenever we argue, part of me thinks it's a control thing, because it seems like only his decisions count and he doesn't think about anyone else's decisions/opinions. I don't actually know what to do about it, because like I said I do love him and we're usually fine it's just whenever we argue things go to crap, il add we don't argue often, it's almost like I'm not allowed to get annoyed or what not because if I do an argument happens and he will say I cause the drama and the arguments (not always true) and then leaves.
Sorry if this makes no sense I just need to vent

[user12699422578]

there's got to be some sort of reason right?

Yes. Controlling you. That's it.

Messing your own life up is one thing, but fucking your child's life up by forcing them to live in this unstable and unpredictable abusive home is not ok.

Do you love your child enough to get rid of him? I don't care how much you think you love this man, do you love your child?

Or are you going to force them to spend their entire childhood in an abusive home so they reach adulthood traumatised and thinking it's normal to be treated like shit by people who claim to love you?

Look up trauma bonding. What you feel for this man is not love, it is the product of prolonged abuse.

[Nanny0gg]

Of course there's a reason! It's because he can! Because you allow it and every time it happens he has a little bit more power.

Next time he does it, make it the last time he does it.

[Shedbuilder]

How do you argue? I ask because I'm a low-key arguer. I'm the sort who in a disagreement tries not to get defensive and stays calm. I listen to the other person and hope to be listened to so that we can sort the situation out. But some people want a high-octane argument in which they can scream and shout and get all their frustration out.

I can't cope with hour after hour of high emotion and furious accusations and I think it can be abusive to expect someone to stay and endure the torrent. So whether it's in my personal life or my professional life I have sometimes needed to walk out. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a day or more. I don't regard that as controlling, it's self protective.

So it may be worth thinking about whether you have the same arguing style as your DH and whether you could argue better, so that you feel heard and he doesn't need to leave.

[Comtesse]

@shedbuilder if she says it nicely then he won’t storm off for days or weeks? Ugggggh no thanks - he sounds dreadful, let him flounce off and don’t let him back.

[user1481840227]

Does he bother to see his child or take his child to give you a break when he packs his bags and moves out??

I bet he wouldn't be so quick to do it if he had to take the child with him!

You deserve so much better than him. Get rid of him and do not take him back!

[gothicmummy]

He goes to his family members Houses, as far as I know there's no other woman on the scene,

Il admit I have a bit more of a 'shouty temper' but I do try and explain to him before I get all het up and he usually just miminizes how I'm feeling, or like last time laughs at me and calls me a joke etc, I'm not 100% innocent and il admit that but I do try and explain my side to him and he just shrugs it off. I've explained that small things to him are big things to me and that small things to me are big things to him if that makes sense? I don't think I can change anymore and I know he will ask me to change how I am again.

Of course I love my child, more than anything.

[HappyHammy]

maybe his family get fed up with him keep coming back and then he returns home to you, do you think you are happy together and really want to spend the rest of your lives together, if not then maybe it's best for everyone just to say it's not really working and go your separate ways

[Mum4Fergus]

"I really don't understand why he keeps doing this."

Because you let him away with it.

[MikeUniformMike]

Great get out close for being a part time dad.

Do something to wind up OP, then flounce out for a few months. Go back when you feel like it.

[whoiscooking]

Another waste of space partner on MN this week. Change the locks, get rid and look forward to a peaceful life OP

[Shedbuilder]

No, it's not about saying it nicely at all. It's being aware that people have different styles and what feels to one person like a healthy rant feels to the other like an unfocussed attack. You can learn to argue and disagree positively if you choose.

Just today I've had a client who's having a very frustrating time in lockdown phone me and yell and let off steam. Most of the things he was shouting about were nothing to do with me or my team. His wife's pregnant, his father died a couple of months ago and he's yelled at me to make himself feel better. If you can find a better, more adult way of dealing with conflict in a relationship it will help cement you as a couple.

Not saying any of this applies to you, OP, but I hate this immediate assumption that someone who says 'Enough' by walking out is being controlling or manipulative.

[RLEOM]

He can't regulate his emotions. He goes full force with whatever he is feeling. He needs therapy to learn how to control this and how to resolve arguments in a healthy manner.

[PickAChew]

Tell him to stay gone, then it will never happen again.

And get an std test as he's bound to be living as a single man on the pull, when he's gone for months.

[KittCat]

Tell him to fuck off for good!

[ilikemethewayiam]

He keeps doing it because he can! You let him.

My abusive ex used to do this so that he could excuse buggering off to OW’s. Your DP is likely doing the same. Where does he go all that time? It’s all very convenient for him isn’t it? And you are very accommodating.

It doesn’t matter why he does it. He does it. Are you going to continue going along with it?

[DarkHelmet]

OP I know this guy isn't my exh but everything he's doing is exactly the same, and I kept taking him back too until I was an absolute wreck. He's not worth your time and energy.

[Monty27]

OP promise yourself the next time he leaves will be the last time.
Be prepared in your constitution and resolve to yourself that you and your child cannot be treated like this.
When he begs to come back remind him that leaving the last time was the last time he got to do it. Good luck.
Been there. It isn't for him to decide any more.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

He is training you not to argue, and keeping you under control. And it sounds like its working. Can you imagine what that is going to be like for your child growing up? Can you please read your initial post back to yourself, what advice would you give a friend that was in that situation? You might love him, but are you happy? You said yourself you don't need him, so you know you will be fine without him. When you are feeling strong write yourself a letter explaining how miserable you are, write a detailed description of everything wrong he does, and how it makes you feel. Write as many positive things you have achieved on your own as you can think of. Keep the letter, next time he leaves read the letter and remember why you have to stay strong, and don't let him come back.
You have two choices, stay and put up with this forever, or leave and have an amazing life you have control over. Please remember you have ability to stop this.

[rvby]

You're looking for a reason why he does it, but the reason doesnt matter really?

You're in a half arsed relationship with a man who can't manage to have an argument.

There could be a million reasons why he has such poor relationship skills... but they dont matter. What matters is, you're in a relationship with someone who makes you anxious and abandons you regularly.

This isnt good for you or your child. How bad will it need to be before you stop obsessing about the "why" and just get shot of him? Honest question.

Is it possible you're focusing on "why" because you don't want to focus on actually just ending the relationship? Because folk do do that. It's a shame because they end up so stuck and miserable when the answer is staring them in the face- just leave it, move on, there are 3.5 billion men on this planet and this one ain't special.

[4amWitchingHour]

Can everyone stop blaming the OP please?

He does this because he wants to get his own way. He cares about himself more than he cares about anything else. Yes, you can break this cycle by not allowing him back in your life, but you cannot change his behaviour. He is treating you like shit, because he does not care about you.

Please break up with him, your anxiety is most likely caused by your relationship with him - I was an anxious wreck when I was with my ex. His lines were that everything was my fault, I made him angry, I was a mental health mess, I needed to change. Miraculously when we split up my anxiety disappeared over the course of 6-12 months. Kick him out, for both your sake and your child's. Life will be better without him.

[redcarbluecar]

I think you know yourself that this is destructive behaviour which shouldn’t go on. Hope you can find the strength and the means to leave him.

[Monty27]

He's successfully breaking you OP. Get rid.

[sillysmiles]

He has shown you time and again that leaving and dismissing your feelings is how he deals with conflict.
Imo you have two options

1. seek counselling to better resolve your (plural) communication around conflict
   
2. change the locks and leave him gone

[Serendipity79]

My friend has been in this situation for over three years. Her partner repeatedly says the most horrid things to her, tells her she's an idiot, she doesn't "show she loves him enough". She has depression and anxiety which manifested itself six months into their relationship. The things he's done and said to her are truly awful. They don't live together thankfully. But every time he has a tantrum on average once a fortnight he blanks her until he feels like contacting her. If she contacts him to try and sort things out he blanks her. If she ignores him, which she's done a few times recently then he'll contact her after a few days and say that he just wants to forget about it. Hence none of her issues ever get resolved. He's destroyed her self esteem, she really believes she wont ever meet anyone who will love her more than he does.

Finally she seems to be realising that she could end this, she doesn't have to put up with it, but seeing what deep control he has over her is truly frightening. She's definitely scared of speaking out of turn in case she upsets him, and she's excused most of his awful behaviour over the years. Like you she keeps looking for the "why does he do this" and cant understand it, and that's mainly because she is a really kind and lovely person. She's just been sucked in by the wrong man, and hopefully she will go through with her plan to end things this week because me and her family are very concerned about her.

With a child in the mix as well, this must be a truly awful and draining situation for you to be in. I would say to you what I say to her - you can take back the control by refusing to engage any more. You're not at his beck and call, you don't have to be dictated to by whether he wants to be with you one day and not the next. Take control of your own life and make some good choices.

I would also recommend some counselling. I am almost two years out of a marriage with someone who was emotionally abusive and it takes a lot of time, understanding and self discovery to put yourself back together x

[Bananalanacake]

When he goes away for weeks or months how does he pay his share of the bills and rent.