Boyfriend keeps leaving me whenever we have an argument!!

[gothicmummy]

OK so me and my partner have been together 4/5 years, we have a child together, every single time we have an argument he will finish with me and pack his stuff and go, it could be for weeks or months but so far he's always come back. I really don't understand why he keeps doing this, we are mostly happy and content it's just when we argue he has to finish me, it's almost like he's running away from resolving any issues, usually our arguments end up in blazing rows because he refuses to talk about things like an adult, he will laugh in my face when I'm trying to explain whatever is it that is annoying me/hurt me whatever, he calls me pathetic and a joke amongst other stuff, I know it sounds stupid but I do love this man and I'm sick of being treated like this whenever we argue, part of me thinks it's a control thing, because it seems like only his decisions count and he doesn't think about anyone else's decisions/opinions. I don't actually know what to do about it, because like I said I do love him and we're usually fine it's just whenever we argue things go to crap, il add we don't argue often, it's almost like I'm not allowed to get annoyed or what not because if I do an argument happens and he will say I cause the drama and the arguments (not always true) and then leaves.
Sorry if this makes no sense I just need to vent

[SeaEagleFeather]

Your poor child.

His father behaving like this is an incredibly good way of creating a deeply insecure and unhappy child, however well he learns to hide it so that he doesn't piss off his papa and risk driving him away.

The underlying security that every child should internalise will never be there and will carry into adulthood.

For your kid's sake, his father either needs to be In, or Out. No more of these games.

[backseatcookers]

Why are you putting your child through this? Can you appreciate how traumatic this will be, seeing daddy pack up his stuff and leave for weeks or months and then come back, rinse and repeat?

Why are you wasting time trying to understand why he does this, instead of focusing on ensuring it can't happen again, which is by no longer living with him?

This.

It isn't victim blaming to point out that while OP's partner sounds like an absolute cunt, they both have a responsibility to prioritise their child's needs and at the moment neither of them are doing that.

While I understand how it's confusing and upsetting to be with someone like her 'partner', that doesn't absolve OP of responsibility to make decisions in her child's best interests.

They need to split up and focus on coparenting.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I cannot wrap my head around why he keeps doing this, there's got to be some sort of reason right?
Because he's an abusive cunt.
There is really nothing more to it than that OP.
That is the reason!
He trains you a little more every time he goes.
You change a bit more to suit him.
Then he comes back and when he wants something else to change he does it again.
It's abuse and control - plain and simple!
You however, are enabling it!
You take him back every time.
HE needs to change.
You will never change enough. He will continue to move the goal posts to keep on the back foot. To keep you on egg shells.
To keep you wanting to please HIM!

Stop showing your DC that this is acceptable.
This is an awful relationship model for your DC.
Please put your DC first now.
They should not have to put up with not knowing if their dad will be there or not. If they are enough or if they are loved enough by him. It will have big repercussions in years to come on their mental health.
He is also training DC to please him.
STOP ALLOWING THIS!
Stop it today.

Read Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that? You will find your controlling, abusive asshole of a DP in there!

Get the doormat tattoo removed from your head and take back control of YOUR life!!! TODAY!

[00100001]

Next time you know what to do.vjangevtjeblocksnand block him.

Think of your child

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You don’t have to wait for the next row to get rid of him. Just calmly tell him you’ve had enough. He can go to his relative’s, you can arrange child support through the CMS and you can sort out any shares bills/debts/savings etc. Make a clean break apart from maintenance. Agree contact for your child which he can have wherever he’s living. Once he’s gone he never needs to set foot in your home again. Life will be much better for you and your child.

Do you need to do some work on your own temper and communication style? He sounds awful but you’ve admitted you’re very shouty and that’s not great.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

Aarrgghh next time not bed time! Stupid phone.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

I read the first 3 sentences and thought tell him, bedtime not to bother coming back. I couldn't live like that OP - you deserve better x

[Shoxfordian]

Next time he goes then don't let him come back! Actually you don't need to wait for next time, he's a knob and you don't need to be with him. Have a bit of agency op, make your own decision, is this how you would want your daughter to be treated by a man? Or your sister? Nope. Just put him out for good.

[Aussiebean]

He goes because he knows you will let him come back.

In meantime he has a lovely break while you do the childcare.

When he comes back, you are a little more trained not to argue with him.

[Bananalanacake]

When he goes away for weeks or months how does he pay his share of the bills and rent.

[Serendipity79]

My friend has been in this situation for over three years. Her partner repeatedly says the most horrid things to her, tells her she's an idiot, she doesn't "show she loves him enough". She has depression and anxiety which manifested itself six months into their relationship. The things he's done and said to her are truly awful. They don't live together thankfully. But every time he has a tantrum on average once a fortnight he blanks her until he feels like contacting her. If she contacts him to try and sort things out he blanks her. If she ignores him, which she's done a few times recently then he'll contact her after a few days and say that he just wants to forget about it. Hence none of her issues ever get resolved. He's destroyed her self esteem, she really believes she wont ever meet anyone who will love her more than he does.

Finally she seems to be realising that she could end this, she doesn't have to put up with it, but seeing what deep control he has over her is truly frightening. She's definitely scared of speaking out of turn in case she upsets him, and she's excused most of his awful behaviour over the years. Like you she keeps looking for the "why does he do this" and cant understand it, and that's mainly because she is a really kind and lovely person. She's just been sucked in by the wrong man, and hopefully she will go through with her plan to end things this week because me and her family are very concerned about her.

With a child in the mix as well, this must be a truly awful and draining situation for you to be in. I would say to you what I say to her - you can take back the control by refusing to engage any more. You're not at his beck and call, you don't have to be dictated to by whether he wants to be with you one day and not the next. Take control of your own life and make some good choices.

I would also recommend some counselling. I am almost two years out of a marriage with someone who was emotionally abusive and it takes a lot of time, understanding and self discovery to put yourself back together x

[sillysmiles]

He has shown you time and again that leaving and dismissing your feelings is how he deals with conflict.
Imo you have two options

1. seek counselling to better resolve your (plural) communication around conflict
   
2. change the locks and leave him gone

[Monty27]

He's successfully breaking you OP. Get rid.

[redcarbluecar]

I think you know yourself that this is destructive behaviour which shouldn’t go on. Hope you can find the strength and the means to leave him.

[4amWitchingHour]

Can everyone stop blaming the OP please?

He does this because he wants to get his own way. He cares about himself more than he cares about anything else. Yes, you can break this cycle by not allowing him back in your life, but you cannot change his behaviour. He is treating you like shit, because he does not care about you.

Please break up with him, your anxiety is most likely caused by your relationship with him - I was an anxious wreck when I was with my ex. His lines were that everything was my fault, I made him angry, I was a mental health mess, I needed to change. Miraculously when we split up my anxiety disappeared over the course of 6-12 months. Kick him out, for both your sake and your child's. Life will be better without him.

[rvby]

You're looking for a reason why he does it, but the reason doesnt matter really?

You're in a half arsed relationship with a man who can't manage to have an argument.

There could be a million reasons why he has such poor relationship skills... but they dont matter. What matters is, you're in a relationship with someone who makes you anxious and abandons you regularly.

This isnt good for you or your child. How bad will it need to be before you stop obsessing about the "why" and just get shot of him? Honest question.

Is it possible you're focusing on "why" because you don't want to focus on actually just ending the relationship? Because folk do do that. It's a shame because they end up so stuck and miserable when the answer is staring them in the face- just leave it, move on, there are 3.5 billion men on this planet and this one ain't special.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

He is training you not to argue, and keeping you under control. And it sounds like its working. Can you imagine what that is going to be like for your child growing up? Can you please read your initial post back to yourself, what advice would you give a friend that was in that situation? You might love him, but are you happy? You said yourself you don't need him, so you know you will be fine without him. When you are feeling strong write yourself a letter explaining how miserable you are, write a detailed description of everything wrong he does, and how it makes you feel. Write as many positive things you have achieved on your own as you can think of. Keep the letter, next time he leaves read the letter and remember why you have to stay strong, and don't let him come back.
You have two choices, stay and put up with this forever, or leave and have an amazing life you have control over. Please remember you have ability to stop this.

[Monty27]

OP promise yourself the next time he leaves will be the last time.
Be prepared in your constitution and resolve to yourself that you and your child cannot be treated like this.
When he begs to come back remind him that leaving the last time was the last time he got to do it. Good luck.
Been there. It isn't for him to decide any more.

[DarkHelmet]

OP I know this guy isn't my exh but everything he's doing is exactly the same, and I kept taking him back too until I was an absolute wreck. He's not worth your time and energy.

[ilikemethewayiam]

He keeps doing it because he can! You let him.

My abusive ex used to do this so that he could excuse buggering off to OW’s. Your DP is likely doing the same. Where does he go all that time? It’s all very convenient for him isn’t it? And you are very accommodating.

It doesn’t matter why he does it. He does it. Are you going to continue going along with it?

[KittCat]

Tell him to fuck off for good!

[PickAChew]

Tell him to stay gone, then it will never happen again.

And get an std test as he's bound to be living as a single man on the pull, when he's gone for months.

[RLEOM]

He can't regulate his emotions. He goes full force with whatever he is feeling. He needs therapy to learn how to control this and how to resolve arguments in a healthy manner.

[Shedbuilder]

No, it's not about saying it nicely at all. It's being aware that people have different styles and what feels to one person like a healthy rant feels to the other like an unfocussed attack. You can learn to argue and disagree positively if you choose.

Just today I've had a client who's having a very frustrating time in lockdown phone me and yell and let off steam. Most of the things he was shouting about were nothing to do with me or my team. His wife's pregnant, his father died a couple of months ago and he's yelled at me to make himself feel better. If you can find a better, more adult way of dealing with conflict in a relationship it will help cement you as a couple.

Not saying any of this applies to you, OP, but I hate this immediate assumption that someone who says 'Enough' by walking out is being controlling or manipulative.

[whoiscooking]

Another waste of space partner on MN this week. Change the locks, get rid and look forward to a peaceful life OP