Caring and helpful...or making me reliant?

[peachesandoranges]

Hi everyone

I just wondered your take on this. I have been in my relationship for almost two years. It still feels pretty new. We had some early issues for various reasons. But my main question is how you would feel if a man you didn't live with, often seemed to want to do most things for you?

I don't know if I am just being ungrateful/paranoid and he is being helpful and nice, more so than I am used to, as he is a very different guy to guys I used to date, or if in some way he is making me overly reliant on him. I can't believe he would intentionally be doing this, however.

Examples are I used to have a hobby and a different job and he was often insistent on giving me lifts there and back. I appreciated this sometimes but also felt a bit smothered as I am quite independent and like to walk rather than ride/drive to local places anyway. I told him this but he would still always ask and insist on giving me lifts. But if I said no it didn't really turn to arguments. But I just ended up feeling bad when I said no I want to walk etc.

Also whenever I want to do anything at home he wants to do it, though we don't live together. I was going to get somebody to do some decorating at some point (when I feel safe enough after lock down) no, he would "rather" do it than me get this local tradesman in for it. He didn't really push it too much (he pushed it a bit, however) or argue about it, but still. He didn't give a reason why. I was going to put up some other things in the house, no, he would rather do it and get involved with the sourcing and everything else.

I don't know, writing this down does make me feel a bit silly, I am just concerned I am somehow becoming overly reliant. Maybe I have a gut feeling but it may be paranoia due to my own history. We see each other too much for my liking (a topic I have broached before but we always end up going back to the same old patterns). Perhaps it is more that I am just more independent than he realises. He is older than me and also seems to often want to take on this protector carer role in the relationship, which I know isn't too healthy, and I do get fed up some times with that and feel a bit condescended to sometimes.

I know a lot of men show love by their actions and like to do things but I don't know why... There is something that I am paranoid about or that irritates me a tiny bit about it.

Am I worrying about nothing and just ungrateful?

I appreciate all advice and responses! May take a while to reply as I have so much to get on with today and tonight! thank you

I thought that negging was more like, just backhanded compliments. Not necessarily mimicking or impersonating?

The definition isn’t the point. The fact that he’s behaving in a way that makes you feel small, humiliated or just uncomfortable is not right.

Bullies mimic and imitate, as part of their arsenal of tactics, don’t they?!

Would you behave like that towards him? Or do you think that’s a mean thing to do so I won’t, you know like a reasonable person would about someone they care about.

He has been ok with the few friends of mine he has met.

I wouldn't mimic anybody, no. It is something he does occasionally anyway though, like he is really good at putting on accents for example for something funny. So perhaps that is ingrained somewhat in his personality.

I have said before at least once probably more that although sometimes I do find his jokes around/involving me amusing, sometimes I don't enjoy them. His reason is that he is always trying to lighten the mood or make me smile etc. But the one the other day being all hoighty toighty was pointless. I'm pleased with myself as basically I just ignored him, wasn't even looking at him when he did it (he was across the room)

The thing is that I do think of myself as a feminist (I used to be more outspoken about that) and I work in a role that is all about empowering women and improving equality, so it doesn't sit comfortably anymore (not that it ever really did) that I am in a relationship where I sometimes feel patronised, unequal, or anything like all the above, even just a little bit.

Without knowing this man, it sounds a little like he will end up trampling on you. You don't even have to think of it that way though. If you have these kind of problems now then I think it will become worse as times go by.

You are obviously holding on because you have a lot of doubt in your judgment. I don't know you either, but do you think you'd have all these doubts if it was the right relationship for you. Maybe that's a sign you know? Do you doubt that you will meet anyone else? Are you holding onto him because you're lonely?

it doesn't sit comfortably anymore (not that it ever really did) that I am in a relationship where I sometimes feel patronised, unequal, or anything like all the above, even just a little bit.

So have a think about what your choices are in dealing with this.

1. Do nothing and tolerate it, knowing it may get worse

1. Try everything to change his behaviour (unlikely to succeed given that’s not something you can control)

1. Not tolerate the behaviour and see that there’s fundamental incompatibility that’s no one’s fault but end it

1. See that the behaviour has the potential of being borderline abusive and escalating to be worse and therefore end it

You’re recognising it’s not right but don’t seem to recognise you can do something about it. What is stopping you? The fear of loneliness? Isn’t it actually lonely being with someone who doesn’t value your opinion and feelings? At least on your own you will put yourself first and be listened to (by you, but that’s better than being ignored or belittled).

Thank you all. Yes, I never had any of these kinds of doubts in my last relationship (the only decent one, rest were mostly abusive in one way or another). But I also put the doubts down to other stressors and things going on in my life and with my health.

I suppose I am holding on because of fear of loneliness. And because much of the time I do enjoy his company, and find him attractive. But feel smothered sometimes and patronised and even just the expectation I feel he has now of wanting to see me so much can be tiresome. Perhaps I just need a long break (maybe permanent) from relationships and learn to enjoy being on my own again and relying on myself and not being accountable to anyone. I suspect it will also improve my confidence.

It is tricky to navigate these kinds of waters. For me it would be offers, can be relied upon to help if necessary -> brilliant. Insists not so much.

If he genuinely tries to override your preference then a gentle chat is in order. Then a more forceful chat then curtains.

Just to be clear, that's three times in total, not per incident. He is way over the line that I would be comfortable with.

Life is too short. Your purpose in life is not to do l, or let him do, whatever he wants but exactly to do what you want.

Working out, getting clear about why you have some reflex that you should let him dictate how you live your life, would be very useful.

He has no boundaries, so it's up to you to implement some (if you stay with him, that is). He has too much involvement in your life. If you want to get someone in to paint your house, just do it. You don't have to run every thought or plan past him.

@peachesandoranges how are you doing? I hope you’re managing to get time to think about your situation and haven’t had him pestering you for attention. You may find he realises you’re drawing away and starts being extra charming and “hoovering”. Don’t fall for it!

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The fact you've only had one non abusive relationship to date is concerning. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further messed with by this individual, a man you want to remain with out of fear of being lonely. Please do not sell yourself so short by doing that.

Re your comment:-
"Perhaps I just need a long break (maybe permanent) from relationships and learn to enjoy being on my own again and relying on myself and not being accountable to anyone. I suspect it will also improve my confidence."

Love your own self for a change. I do not think you need a permanent break from relationships though, just this one.

Address your fears of loneliness properly through counselling. And you seem lonely now within this relationship because of this man's behaviours towards you; this is not a good relationship either.

I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. You can do this online, do have a look at this.

And do you love him or are you actually confusing that with codependency?. I would read about codependency in relationships as well.

OP trying to put boundaries in place with somebody who doesn’t listen, then trying again is just exhausting. You feel smothered. It’s good that you recognise that. If you like him give him one more chance to continue but seeing him less often. See whether he will respect your independence or whether he will abuse your boundaries again.
I live alone and have done for 5 years now. Nobody will ever live with me now and anyone that made me feel smothered would be straight out the door. Stick to your guns. Just remember that by disrespecting your boundaries he’s trying to change you and that is potentially very worrying indeed.

Thank you all. He hasn't been pestering me much yet. We have had a few of these occasions where one or both of us have withdrawn for a few days, after an argument or if I am having these concerns. Nice to get a bit of space from each other.

I think if I decide to continue with it I will definitely have to have a sit down with him and a frank discussion. Judging by the times I have tried to give bits of feedback/raise issues here and there, it probably won't go well but we will see. Will try to do it this weekend.

As I have tried before to raise concerns, I wonder if he thinks I am too much like hard work. Last time few times we have argued he has said things like "I've had enough of this shit" so maybe he just can't be bothered anyway.

He is only a decade older than you but he's behaving as if he was twice your age. What sort of age group are you?

You need to listen to your instincts. It sounds like the few days space after an argument feels like a relief?

The reason I asked about age, is that an age gap of 10 yrs is barely noticeable if your middle aged, but there's a huge difference between early 20s and early 30s.

I think you should move on. Lonely is better than uncertainty.

you're not your

The little lady and pretty little head comments would make me run a mile.

I think there’s a fine line between controlling and caring. Offering lifts could be seen as caring, but could be seen as controlling. I guess the difference is whether he insists on the lifts and/or how he reacts if you refuse them. Ditto for other decesions.

Yes the space is always a relief. I like alone time and have always preferred lots of space in relationships, which is why I am starting to wonder if I am suited to relationships at all. For a while I might enjoy seeing them a lot, but I can never keep it up and start feeling smothered and it fizzles out.

It is 30s and 40s. I am petite and look younger than I am also. But in many ways he doesn't seem older, like when I want to communicate and actually resolve things. But I am not perfect either. I can get pretty heated in arguments too.

He has never said little lady. But similar kind of pet names.

The pretty little head thing is what really made me shut down last week. Even just via text. Really hate that phrase.

I know. It's always a little awkward when I say no to things, eg lifts. He does usually try to insist but if I really don't want one I stay firm. We haven't argued in those types of scenarios really, yet.

Maybe it is just me feeling guilty about saying no that causes half the problem, that is my own separate issue, I feel guilty about anything all the time.

Doesn't explain still feeling patronised sometimes though.

The feeling patronised is because he’s patronising!

Sorry, that sounds awful.

What I mean is that you seem to think that the issue is due to you. It’s not. It’s him and his attitude and behaviour.

Well my eyes have been opened. I think this man does not actually give a shit about me at all.

I went round his briefly today, I was feeling low (possibly depression, diagnosed previously although never been too sure) and yes was missing him after not seeing or speaking much the past week. I was at his and teary. He barely said anything. Asked once why I was upset, I said I was feeling low, didn't ask anything else. I had text yesterday saying I had some things on my mind, he didn't ask what they were. We didn't speak much so I left still teary. He has not messaged me.

It feels like he doesn't care. He only cares when he wants to care. He only offers favours when he wants to. He reckons I'm unstable and ill, yet he doesn't very often check up on me to see if I am ok.

When I was at his one of the few things we chatted about was me getting some food shopping. He joked about me actually getting food. He knows I have lost lots of weight the past 2 years, started when my ex left and continued though this headfuck of a relationship. He knows I am underweight, yet he was actually joking about the idea of me actually buying some food for myself to eat. He only switches on "nice" when he wants to. When he wants to pull this protector shit he has me round and makes me dinner and worries about me eating. When he is not in "nice" mood he is joking about me actually buying food even though it is quite obvious I probably have an illness, eating disorder or whatever. It's apparently funny.

Previous times when we have argued, or he has disturbed me in some way (like his pretty little head comment) we have had some distance for a few days. Somehow it is always twisted onto me being ill, unstable or whatever. Maybe he is right? But before him I had a 7 year relationship without all this weirdness.

I don't know. I appreciate this thread has now moved far away from what I was originally posting about. And yes from his point of view maybe he is feeling crappy that we haven't been in contact much in the past week.

I just feel it, I feel like there is something that is not right that has never been right and I am done.

Sorry this is a rant. I just feel so fucked on the head. Maybe it is all me, I don't know. I just knew something wasn't right from the start, I can't believe it is all me being crazy.

I regret that post now as I am genuinely worried I gave too much info and he will somehow come across it 😐

I just saw another post about what to expect from a new relationship at the eight month mark and somebody put:

"Arguments are minimal and never/very rarely heated. And always dealt with without resulting in silent treatment or stonewalling."

Wow. This was him and I pretty much from the beginning. Whether his fault or mine, I don't know. But I guess I always knew something just wasn't right at all, no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise, even though I thought we loved each other. Toxic.

Sorry really ranting right now! 😂

@peachesandoranges, thanks for the update.

I would walk away from him and concentrate on getting yourself as fit as a fiddle, mindwise.Your comment about your weight worries me.

Thank you for the reply. I don't know, whether my gut instincts were right or wrong, whether he or me or both of us were to blame for the issues, it has been a bad ride from very early on. Too many arguments etc, this constant feeling something wasn't right.

It's hard (especially as we also live very nearby to each other) because despite it all I do feel I love him but I know that is what I really must do for my own sake. I was ill when I was younger for a while yes, but I have not been ill like this for years (to be fair the break up of my last relationship and loss of a job is probably what triggered it to begin with, but I haven't got any better in 2 years). Need to concentrate on myself.