Caring and helpful...or making me reliant?

[peachesandoranges]

Hi everyone

I just wondered your take on this. I have been in my relationship for almost two years. It still feels pretty new. We had some early issues for various reasons. But my main question is how you would feel if a man you didn't live with, often seemed to want to do most things for you?

I don't know if I am just being ungrateful/paranoid and he is being helpful and nice, more so than I am used to, as he is a very different guy to guys I used to date, or if in some way he is making me overly reliant on him. I can't believe he would intentionally be doing this, however.

Examples are I used to have a hobby and a different job and he was often insistent on giving me lifts there and back. I appreciated this sometimes but also felt a bit smothered as I am quite independent and like to walk rather than ride/drive to local places anyway. I told him this but he would still always ask and insist on giving me lifts. But if I said no it didn't really turn to arguments. But I just ended up feeling bad when I said no I want to walk etc.

Also whenever I want to do anything at home he wants to do it, though we don't live together. I was going to get somebody to do some decorating at some point (when I feel safe enough after lock down) no, he would "rather" do it than me get this local tradesman in for it. He didn't really push it too much (he pushed it a bit, however) or argue about it, but still. He didn't give a reason why. I was going to put up some other things in the house, no, he would rather do it and get involved with the sourcing and everything else.

I don't know, writing this down does make me feel a bit silly, I am just concerned I am somehow becoming overly reliant. Maybe I have a gut feeling but it may be paranoia due to my own history. We see each other too much for my liking (a topic I have broached before but we always end up going back to the same old patterns). Perhaps it is more that I am just more independent than he realises. He is older than me and also seems to often want to take on this protector carer role in the relationship, which I know isn't too healthy, and I do get fed up some times with that and feel a bit condescended to sometimes.

I know a lot of men show love by their actions and like to do things but I don't know why... There is something that I am paranoid about or that irritates me a tiny bit about it.

Am I worrying about nothing and just ungrateful?

I appreciate all advice and responses! May take a while to reply as I have so much to get on with today and tonight! thank you

Hi @peachesandoranges I was wondering how you were doing. Every time you describe how he is behaving the more he looks like a patronising arrogant and domineering man who therefore can’t ever see you as having adequate value to treat you properly.

Please go back over the replies and use them to help you and the other sources people have signposted.

Ultimately I don’t think it’s a good relationship and you’re unhappy, you don’t need any other reason to end it.

'Cute' that you are determined, gives the impression that you are not as capable at doing stuff as he is. He's making out he's inexpendable, he wants you to be reliant on him, he really wants you to believe that you need him rather than want him in your life. This is his way of gaining security, it's a sneaky way and just shows how insecure he is really. He's be in his element if you were needy, but I bet he wouldn't treat you well at that point. He sounds manipulative, keep your guard up, and definitely remain protective of your independence.

Thanks both. I've been keeping my distance whilst I figure it out, though I did see him recently to hang out. And during this he did something he sometimes does for humour, which was mimicking/impersonating something I had said. I mean, sometimes I don't mind this and it is amusing. But sometimes it annoys me, this time he did it in a hoighty toighty sort of voice, as if trying to pull me off a high horse. I had only been making a comment about some food thing!

None of it really comes across as arrogance but yes, as last poster said, I think it is more down to some insecurities on his part.

Well either way I know I have had my concerns about various things for a long time, and as I feel it is very difficult to raise or discuss them with him (unless I really carefulllly ensure I am super soft and say nothing wrong) then I doubt there is much room for any improvement.

Insecure, not really arrogant, but definitely sometimes patronising. He said something a little while ago just a small comment that was very patronising and I think is what has now caused me to put my guards up again recently. And I didn't respond, though I wanted to, as it is likely an argument would have occured or he would have told me to lighten up.

Look up negging. He’s chipping away at your confidence, independence and making you feel lesser. What a catch (not). You can find someone much better than him. Who would respect how you want to have your independence and walk and sort out your decorating and so on. Who would help but not dictate.

I thought that negging was more like, just backhanded compliments. Not necessarily mimicking or impersonating?

But I have certainly experienced a reduction of confidence over the past two years (not that I had much to begin with). Also not helped by a separate issue at an old job.

Hi op

Sorry if this is a bit blunt but don't waste your time to "raise your concerns" to him?

You can just end the relationship.

From what you have said about him so far, I can almost guarantee he will not be interested in your feedback anyway and will respond in a negative way.

OP, I think you need to listen to your gut - have you read The Gift of Fear?

In any case, ime, someone who has to label themselves a "nice guy" very rarely is. The lift thing is just controlling, as is the tradesmen thing. In fact it all is full of massive red flags.

one of the things he actually put was something along the lines of, it's really cute how you are determined to try to do things yourself.

Patronising much? Does he also pat people on the head and say "Don't you worry your little head about that, my dear."

Red flags.

Oh my goodness, trust your gut. He sounds very controlling but in a subtle way so it seems like you’re being ungrateful if you say no. He is patronising and intimidating and you’ve now started holding your tongue in case it provokes an argument. The lifts thing is very controlling. With the decorator, you said you ‘just kind of left it’ By that do you mean, you went with his option? He can’t tell you how to decorate your house! Get whoever you want in. Please trust your feelings on this one. You say you don’t know what they are but you actually explain them very well.

@bitofasleuth honestly, the thing he said last week (in a text message) which put my guard up once again was "don't worry your pretty little head about it". He was trying to lighten the mood I think...yeah didn't work.

‘Cute’ 🤔. You are a grown ass woman not a small child. Being ‘helpful’ isn’t helpful if the person pushes and pushes until you give in, then it’s control. I’m not seeing respect for you from the way you describe his behaviour.

It's sounding very teacher and naughty schoolgirl tbh. From what you've said, you're petite and he's much larger? This may account for his maybe fantasising about having total control of his headstrong 'pupil'.....

You're finding yourself not going against him because you know it'll end in arguments. Not healthy, all that eggshell walking.

Hmm, sounds like he needs to feel like 'the big man' and he is doing this by making you into the 'little woman'. This can only come from a place of ingrained sexism, apparently very bound up with his sense of identity. He gets unsettled when you 'act your size' and annoyed and difficult when you assert your right to be an adult and make your own decisions - because it threatens his idea of himself.

Some of this may come across as 'generosity' - but it seems its not so much about him wanting to help, more about him needing you to be help- less. Very different!

Oh my god ‘pretty little head’ I couldn’t handle that. So patronising and humiliating. Like he wants a pet.

@peachesandoranges

Oh yes I remember now. One time when we were sending soppy messages about what we liked about each other, etc, one of the things he actually put was something along the lines of, it's really cute how you are determined to try to do things yourself.

I mean?! I am a grown woman! I am a bit eccentric and scatter brained and perhaps not the perfect model of adulthood, but still.

OMG that would piss me off!!

You need to have it out with him about this, there is no way forward otherwise.

Or just end it. Sorry.

The fact that he offers to help is not the problem. The problem is that he won’t take no for an answer.

The talking down to you is condescending. How sweet that you want to be independent? He is making is sound like something to be indulged, not supported.

He certainly doesn’t see you as an equal in this relationship.

You have to trust your instincts - it makes you feel uncomfortable so its not right. The comment about it being cute you are determined to do things for yourself is shocking frankly. Massive red flags here which you could ignore and let go.... and regret it massively in the future.

I think the thing that's really telling is that you don't feel able to raise concerns with him for fear of his reactions.

That is not a good basis for a relationship. His ego is not more important than your feelings!

I know. It's just that I do actually love him ☹️ and also I know if I end things I will be very lonely (as I am trying to stay in my own lockdown as much as poss, worried about everything happening with covid, and I don't have many friends or transport to get around) I know that is ridiculous but I am worried my mental health will suffer if I end it due to loneliness.

But I have enjoyed the time and space I have had this week since I backed off a bit and not seen him much.

Tell him you’ve booked a girls holiday for later in the year. His reaction will tell you all you need to know

I get what you’re saying OP. But you’ll end up lonely with this guy anyway. He’ll get more and more controlling until you don’t have any friends left.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3950709-Patronising-condescending

Might be worth reading this thread

As Hellsbellsmelons suggests
Invite a male friend around or arrange other people to be around or in your life.
He maybe old fashioned as well.. you will know.
Follow your gut instincts and keep walking