Do I actually want a live in relationship and everything that comes with it?

[Annabellerina]

Yes I know you're not mind readers but I wanted some help thinking through the pros and cons as well as some stories - bad and good!

I'm mid 30s, divorced, have 2 primary aged DC full time, their dad has no contact which is his choice. My DC and I, maybe 70% of the time, have a really good thing going. We get along well, have fun together, and they're pretty independent which helps me to not feel tied down. The other 30% of the time I struggle to do everything alone, feel hugely overwhelmed and would welcome some support, adult company and intimacy.

I have a boyfriend of a year, my DC have met him only as a friend, a handful of times. He's a real gem. I've had plenty of relationships, bad and good, abusive and healthy, and this guy is a keeper. If anyone has done the freedom programme (I have) he is like 'the friend'.

He would like to meet my DC properly, as my boyfriend, and move things forward. He says he wants everything with me, living together, marriage, possibly one more child (that bit would have to be my choice), he says he's besotted with me. He also says he doesn't want half a relationship so if I didn't want what he wanted then he'd end things. I totally respect his line in the sand and I've promised to think about it. He says there's no rush and to take my time making my decision.

The difficulty is that I swing between loving the idea and hating it. I can't really imagine living with another man again. No matter how wonderful he seems now, I'm not naive enough to think that he'll be wonderful to live with. Honestly, who is?! I also don't want to unsettle my kids and I feel this is a big risky unknown.

I don't want to give up my much cherished freedom and independence, my financial stability and the happiness my kids and I have for that 70% of the time! But if I don't want to move forward with him he'll end it and I'd be bereft. I know I would be. This is by far the best, healthiest, most fun relationship I've ever had. But I keep thinking, shouldn't I be absolutely certain? How do people make this decision?

I'd give it a go and let him meet the children. See how that goes first.

What are his best and his worst qualities?

Why not just progress things steadily and see how the family dynamics work. He sounds like a good un! It's worrying to make changes but I predict you'll look back and wonder why you worried. Spend 6 months building his relationship with your kids and at that point him moving in would be a natural next step

God, my OP was long sorry
Best qualities - generous, hilarious, affectionate, attentive, forgiving, I could go on.
Worst qualities - messy (so am I), inexperienced with kids (obvs not his fault but I worry he'd find it overwhelming), possibly a bit set in his ways (as am I!) Tbh I'm struggling with this list.

I say take it one step at a time. Just because he meets the kids more properly and starts, maybe, spending more time with you and them, does not mean he has to move in any time soon. After a while of being more involved with them, maybe he can spend some weekends over, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Baby steps. You dont have to make a full commitment overnight.

I'm worried about him meeting my kids properly and then it not going well and us breaking up and running the risk of my kids being unsettled. I'd rather keep things as they are and not jeopardise anything!

Also....men are gross. There's no way around that 🤣

To some degree, I guess that is a risk all separated parents take, when introducing a new partner. I can only imagine it's very daunting. Apart form doing it gradually, and see how it goes, I really dont know what to advise. But I would keep in mind that he is his own person as well, and him wanting the relationship to progress is natural, and of course he might not always be happy with just leaving things as they are now.

having been in a long relationship myself if anythine were to happen to him I have zero interest in living with a man ever again. its usually always a comprise where one half feels frustrated. You have 2 dc to consider who have already had a dad not bother with them so I understand you being cautious. The issue here is whether you want more DC and that may dictate the way forward

To be honest no, I wouldn't want it. Sometimes I get overwhelmed at everything falling to me but like you most of the time dc and I have a good thing going. I don't think I could risk that by having a man in my home now

Kids are adaptable and often handle things better than us adults do so try not to worry about the breaking up part. My DH left after 7.5 years having decided he didn't want to be a step dad anymore. He'd been around my DD since she was 2 so he was all she'd really ever known. Don't get me wrong, she was upset at first but has adapted really well and is loving life with just me and her. If they like him and things progress well, I would definitely consider living together. He sounds like a good one

I'd see what his actual vision of the timescale is - I'd want him to spend at least a year or two getting to know the kids and spending some times as a family - holidays etc - before there was any real movement into living together.

You've only known each other a year, you have still lots to learn about each other.

Not all men are gross! In which way do you think he's gross?

True, not all men are gross. Depiste hubs other flaws, at least he's on the same level of cleanliness/ tidyness as me. I truly could not live someone really untidy and not bothered about general cleaning. I have my own issues clearly 😁

You don't want to live with him and you don't want him integrating in your children's lives. Reread your post - listen to yourself. Listen to your inner voice.

• I can't really imagine living with another man again. No matter how wonderful he seems now, I'm not naive enough to think that he'll be wonderful to live with. Honestly, who is?! I also don't want to unsettle my kids and I feel this is a big risky unknown.

I don't want to give up my much cherished freedom and independence, my financial stability and the happiness my kids and I have for that 70% of the time!*

Nowhere in your post do you talk about being excited to live with him, thinking its a good thing for you or your children. You're trying to convince yourself into the idea so you don't lose this lovely relationship.

Just say no. Yes it's sad. There are other fish in the sea and you will meet someone else maybe when your children are a bit older.

You know what you want

I'd rather keep things as they are

Don't be pressured otherwise. Just listen to your instincts.

Fairycake2 sorry but your comment about DC being adaptable hit a raw nerve with me. My OH had a double cancer diagnosis last year and it blew our world apart and all I heard was that DC were adaptable and or resilient and would be fine...say that to my DD who went off the rails and could have cocked up her GCSES, or her brother 13 who had counselling at school and my 5yr old who is in a special group to help with emotional regulation. You may think your DC is absolutely fine but I can assure you they wont be.....my DM brought a couple on men into our life post divorce and it was horrendous as a young girl when they split. You start realising men arent there for the long haul and cant betrusted

@jennifer2r what you're saying is what I'm scared of - maybe it's not really what I want! If I had no kids I'd do it in a heartbeat but the reality is I'm too scared of the possible disruption to our lives.
But it could be a good thing for us....it has potential.

I'm so sorry about your OH @sunflowersandtulips50. I can see how that would turn your life upside down. However that is very different to my situation and I can only go on how my DD is (and which is a similar situationto what the OP was describing). Illness is a very different thing and I totally get children can't adapt to that in the same way. I have no intention of bringing several men into DDs as your DM did so I have no indication at the moment that she will be anything other than fine. If she isn't i will do similar to you and seek counselling for her. Thank you for the advise though, I really appreciate it 💐

Also, possibly he wants a child? Do you want more?

If you're done having dc, I think you need to be upfront about that and the way you've put it is quite weird (that bit would have to be my choice) - surely it's all your choice!? What if you wanted to live together, but not get married - say, because you wanted any inheritance to go straight to your kids?

There's a lot to think about. Personally I have chosen not to seek a live-in relationship because I didn't want to disrupt the kids' lives, but I am older and definitely done with kids, and I really can't face the "wifework" again.

He would slowly have to meet your children and build trust/relationship with them before living together anyway. So it would be slow steps?
How does he think it's going to work if you don't do that? He seems to be thinking way ahead. You have much more to protect.

The part about him not wanting half a relationship or he will end it. But there is no rush and you should take your time. How does this work, it seems by this comment he has some time frame in mind.

This part stuck out to me.

I totally get you OP. I too am divorced with two DC that I am very close to and we live so well together. Rarely any conflict and I can't remember the last time there were any arguments or tension in the house.

You don't have to live with him just because you feel pressurized to do so

@category12 I worded it oddly, I see it as all being our choice bar the having another child - that's got to be my decision really, given how taxing it is physically and how it'd prob be me left holding the baby should things go tits up! As for marriage, it would be me who would benefit financially as he's a much higher earner. There is currently no inheritance for my DC!

@sunflowersandtulips50 sorry to hear that

I separated from my husband 2.5 years ago. I have been in a relationship with someone else for 10 months and as much as I love him, I honestly don’t want to live with him or any other man.

He has just been loving with me and my dc (12 and 14) for the last 3 months during lockdown and moved out today (it was always the plan for him to move into his own place as soon as things were relaxed). It’s been nice having him around but honestly? I am so glad for it to be just the 3 of us again and to resume seeing him a night in the week and EOW.

He is divorced and has kids too and luckily we both feel the same - that we love being together but also love our own space. Can’t bloody wait to have my bed back to myself tonight 😂