Do I actually want a live in relationship and everything that comes with it?

[Annabellerina]

Yes I know you're not mind readers but I wanted some help thinking through the pros and cons as well as some stories - bad and good!

I'm mid 30s, divorced, have 2 primary aged DC full time, their dad has no contact which is his choice. My DC and I, maybe 70% of the time, have a really good thing going. We get along well, have fun together, and they're pretty independent which helps me to not feel tied down. The other 30% of the time I struggle to do everything alone, feel hugely overwhelmed and would welcome some support, adult company and intimacy.

I have a boyfriend of a year, my DC have met him only as a friend, a handful of times. He's a real gem. I've had plenty of relationships, bad and good, abusive and healthy, and this guy is a keeper. If anyone has done the freedom programme (I have) he is like 'the friend'.

He would like to meet my DC properly, as my boyfriend, and move things forward. He says he wants everything with me, living together, marriage, possibly one more child (that bit would have to be my choice), he says he's besotted with me. He also says he doesn't want half a relationship so if I didn't want what he wanted then he'd end things. I totally respect his line in the sand and I've promised to think about it. He says there's no rush and to take my time making my decision.

The difficulty is that I swing between loving the idea and hating it. I can't really imagine living with another man again. No matter how wonderful he seems now, I'm not naive enough to think that he'll be wonderful to live with. Honestly, who is?! I also don't want to unsettle my kids and I feel this is a big risky unknown.

I don't want to give up my much cherished freedom and independence, my financial stability and the happiness my kids and I have for that 70% of the time! But if I don't want to move forward with him he'll end it and I'd be bereft. I know I would be. This is by far the best, healthiest, most fun relationship I've ever had. But I keep thinking, shouldn't I be absolutely certain? How do people make this decision?

I think that it is awfully tough. In a sense, you have all you want already, your family set up plus a boyfriend/FWB who provides you with romance and sex.( I only use the FWB alternative as I am struggling to see when you see him if you have your children full time yet he has only met them a handful of times?)

On the other hand, presumably he is at least mid 30s and it sounds like he wants a full time partner and family.

You need to be fair to him and not just string him along. Give yourself a deadline (6 months to a year?) to make your mind up and, if you are not keen to move forward by then, let him go.

Kids are very resilient don't worry too much about them... your anxiety over this is natural but introduce him to the children as your boyfriend. Start doing days out together and then sleepovers. See how it goes OP, if it works out fantastic enjoy your new family if it doesn't your children will still have their amazing mummy and you have taught them that if your not happy change it! Also he sounds like a good man and could be a positive male role model.

Good luck OP

@Annabellerina

Also....men are gross. There's no way around that 🤣

My new partner is very clean and tidy... higher standards than I do

@DisobedientHamster

NO, no, NO! YOU are not the one pushing this, he is. YOU don't want it. You've only been seeing him a year.

What jenniferR2 said x 1000!

He would like to meet my DC properly, as my boyfriend, and move things forward. He says he wants everything with me, living together, marriage, possibly one more child (that bit would have to be my choice), he says he's besotted with me. He also says he doesn't want half a relationship so if I didn't want what he wanted then he'd end things. I totally respect his line in the sand and I've promised to think about it. He says there's no rush and to take my time making my decision.

I take a huge step back from anyone who is besotted with me, tbh. I learned a while back this is rarely a good sign.

You and he are not compatible. Time to cut him loose. He told you what he wants, and no, it doesn't work for you. Do not be pressurised into this in order to keep him - you're right, it's different for you now you're divorced and have kids.

Messy, set in his ways, not a lot of experience with kids. Have you read this board? More threads from women who move in a boyfriend like this and it's a disaster than there are tents at Glastonbury festival in a non-Covid year.

'I've been thinking it over. I'm not ready at all for any live-in relationship or more kids with another partner. We're not on the same page and that's fine, but it means we want different things from a relationship and so it's time for us both to move on.'

You don't want him meeting your kids as a boyfriend. That's very wise of you. Do not back down. Nope.

As for kids' being resilient, bullshit, not all of them, a lot of adults like to tell themselves this to justify their decisions to put their relationship with a partner first, force a new partner on their kids in a live-in setting/blended families/etc.

I'm 50 and have loads of friends in therapy due to their parents' putting themselves and their need for a live-in relationship before their kids' needs, unhappy stepchildren, blended family, half-siblings with the step partner favouring their biological child, etc.

What a very sad cynical way of thinking.... people can be genuinely besotted without it being a bd thing. Surely having someone besotted is much better than most of the idiots you read about on here?!

@Annabellerina

Your comments were all so useful, thanks. Had a conversation with him last night about his thinking on timescale, to see what he actually had in mind. He is in no rush and had asked me only to find out where I saw this all going. He says he knows it has to be in my hands as I have my children to protect. So we're on the same page about that at least.

Now I guess I just have to take small steps and see what happens. We're meant to be doing something all together this week. Which I'm still in 2 minds about...

He sounds like a keeper OP and be weary of MN advise on here. Every man seems to be a narcissistic abuser when clearly not every man is.

It's been a weird time with lockdown and people are feeling all kind of weird things - they feel either pushed together or apart from partners . Take your time but you do need to think about this . It seems you are looking for guarantees and there are none.

I don’t have kids but did decide I probably didn’t want another live in partner after one who didn’t lift a finger at home, despite working 10 hours per week less than me with no commute, never got off the Playstation and just generally was grim whilst expecting me to clean up after him.

I happily lived alone afterwards as did my new boyfriend, who was equally keen on independence. Eventually he got given notice on his flat and asked to move in. I ummed and erred and still wasn’t convinced when I said yes.

But we go to bed laughing every night, he cuddles me every morning, makes all the tea whilst we wfh and I often go to do household chores to find he’s beat me too it. We live in a house I own and he always offers a higher contribution to all costs (above 50% as he earns more, but it’s my house so I think it should be less!) and I have to negotiate him down from paying for everything. We both have our own space so agree to split our free time between personal time (gaming for him, writing for me) and together time (watching shows together or just chatting). He’s an absolute gem and my life is only better for having more of him in it.

Don’t tar all men with the same brush, this one sounds like he could be a good one.

Well I decided to bite the bullet and invite him to join us on the beach today, still just as a friend, but the 4 of us spent hours together and had loads of fun so...first baby step taken and all good!