If you never thought you'd have a ONS, and did anyway... was it ok?

[FarTooOldforTikTok]

I've never had sex and I'm so fed up of it. I know it sounds stupid and it should be that big a deal, but I feel like it's a millstone around my neck or a flashing light above my head.

I'm 28

I never meant to wait this long. I'm shy and more homebirdy than attractive, and I thought/hoped that I'd meet someone irl. I never thought it was more likely for a bloody global pandemic to happen than to find a boyfriend!

I've tried apps but it's always just been disastrous.

It's probably a waste of time considering it because no (sane) man has ever been interested, but would you just say fuck it, get it over and done with?

I’m 36. When I married my husband he was the 2nd person I slept with. We were together 11 years and then he died. I missed make company and sex. I’ve had a few ONS since and I don’t regret them. They’re not the worst thing but we’d is definitely better with someone you definitely fancy and not just for the sake of it.

The worst sex I had was on one night stands. Not sure why I did it more than once. For some reason men kept trying to choke me like I would find that appealing. I found it very off-putting and upsetting. I recommend finding someone you can trust and feel a connection with.

It's fine to be a virgin at 28.

Agree virginity isn't anything to be ashamed of.

I've had around 6 partners. 2 or 3 ONSs. All vile. All bad sex.

Sex is better with someone you properly like and who properly likes you.

And sex HURTS when you've not done it before. So it's better to go through that with someone who is going to take care to minimize that and be caring of you.

Generally I'd say sex is better when there's mutual affection and attraction. It, and you get better with practise. So it's good to do it with someone so you can learn together how to best please each other

And sex HURTS when you've not done it before.

This is an old fashioned myth about how your first time is so painful. For a start at 28 even a virgin is highly unlikely to have a hymen left to break. And for another if op has explored herself and uses lube and makes sure she is comfortable to be having sex with someone it absolutely should not hurt at all. It would only hurt if shes not turned on and comfortable.

I did not lose my virginity on a ONS but actually I have had some of my best sexual experiences ever on one night stands.

I really enjoy the novelty of kissing someone new, touching someone new. I love the freedom of knowing I'll never have to see them again so it doesn't matter what happens. I have learnt a few new tricks that I never knew I liked. I only ever had one shit one that I recall. I always refuse to give out my number the day after although men often ask because I like the purity of it being a one off. Sometimes I've slightly regretted that and wished I'd tried a FWB scenario but actually emotionally I know I would not manage that. It has to be one or the other for me no mixed messages.

However very often despite how good it is at the time and to look back on later I have usually had a bit of a psychological backlash in the immediate aftermath despite that I was never cheating (and nor were they as far as I know). I often beat myself up about it being slutty and stupidly risky and I often worry about STDs and feel I need to get checked although I always use condoms and haven't ever had one. Weird maybe but true and I don't think uncommon.

For that reason I'd probably be wary about losing my virginity on a ONS. Plus obviously you need to take safety precautions, tell someone where you are etc and always use condoms.

When I did lose my virginity with uni boyfriend I didn't tell him it was my first time. I think it was probably his too but both of us were busy pretending we were super sophisticated. It was certainly nothing special and as I recall it happened on his parents living room floor and he kept his socks on (I was rather affronted about that detail at the time). Later on we had some great sex but not that first time. Definitely not.

Also I have to say I don't agree that sex is always better in a relationship. I have to say that some of my best ever encounters were with men I only slept with once or twice, but the chemistry was there.

I put this down the 'zipless fuck' analogy where you are more uninhibited and free than normal...just a thought.

A couple of drunken ONS. Another time because I wanted to get a lift home and shagging him was the quickest way (I’d been a complete twat and put myself in a compromising position for a date and had no way of leaving a remote village - I know, I know!!! Many many years ago now!!!)

Each time was fine, kind of fun but very forgettable. Didn’t feel any shame. Don’t regret it but equally they’re not occasions which shine in my memory.

If you just want to get it over with, why not hire an escort? Explain the situation. I’d rather do that than try and hook up a ONS just to lose my virginity.

But really, my most heartfelt advice is just wait. Your first time doesn’t need to be perfect or amazing but it would be nice if you were relaxed. You’ll be much more relaxed if it’s someone you’ve dated even for a short while. ONS can be a bit awkward even if you’re experienced!

There’s no shame in being a virgin. If you feel awkward, it’s easy to spin it as an act of empowerment and maybe that’s how you should see it. You’ve chosen to hold on to it as no-one caught your interest. You’ll do it when you choose and not when society demands you should. That’s pretty fucking awesome.

And sex HURTS when you've not done it before.

I think this is entirely dependent on the individual. Sex didn't hurt the first time for me, it might for some.

I think whether you regret ONS or not depends on so many factors - but in my experience the most important factor is how the actual experience is and how you're treated by the partner - and unfortunately you can't judge this until it is over!

I've had a number of ONS, some I've regretted and others I haven't. Whether I regretted them or not totally depended on how I was treated - some were fun and others the guy was a bit of a dick and made me feel like shit. Needless to say it's the latter ones I regretted. BUT there were also some really lovely nice guys and those experiences are happy memories!

My first time was a ONS and luckily fell into the former fun category - I was a bit older as well and glad to get it over with and it gave me more confidence in later experiences. But it could have easily gone the other way.

So if you're ready, I would say no reason not to go for it, but try to avoid any total bellends! That said, being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I could have told my younger self to not be too preoccupied with it or in such a hurry to lose it! It's really not a big deal and it will happen when it happens

Op, don’t do it because you feel you should. If you meet someone you find attractive and wish to have sex with do so, but please make sure you’re safe when you do. Ie don’t go back to a strangers house. Make sure you feel comfortable with them. If at any point you’re not comfortable then stop and ask them to leave if you need to..

But don’t have sex with someone you don’t fancy for the sake of it. You’ll not enjoy it and that’s worse than not having sex at all.

Yes I have and it was horrible. If it had been my first time it would have been doubly worse and my ft was with a boyfriend of a few months, not my plan or choice and I was drunk .

Some people can have sex with people they have known for minutes and are fine and some aren't.

It is more about how you feel about sex, what it means to you and your emotional state.

Don't be embarrassed about being a virgin at 28. I remember reading about a famous actress who didn't have sex until her wedding night at around 31 and I was surprised but also admired her for her principles. I would have waited until my wedding if I hadn't had the choice taken away.

Do what feels right for you and not for what you think society thinks you should do.

Find a good friend, possibly older, be honest and let him show you the ropes. Make sure he respects you but don't have any expectations relationship wise. Take your time, repeat, learn. Look at it as training material then let him go. Not ONS, they don't have patience, they don't care about your comfort they just want a quick shag and alcohool is often involved which is known to make people more selfish and is risky as well.

Find a good friend, possibly older, be honest and let him show you the ropes

I can never get my head round this kind of advice. How many folks have older single male friends just hanging around willing to shag them as some form of sex tutorial.

I mean seriously? Can you think of anything more awkward than shagging your mate or even asking your mate to shag you because you’re a virgin?

Bluntness, this is between 2 mature consenting adults, absolutely as long as there is respect and the boundaries put in place. This is not about favours at all, is about being mature and safe. This can make for a great memory and should feel as a privillege as well for the guy. OP would be much safer this way then with a ONS. And no need for awkwardness, they are not teenagers.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I’m 99% sure that if I had a male friend who was single and who wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn’t have the problem I currently do!

There has been lots of helpful advice posted though, thank you.

And no need for awkwardness, they are not teenagers.

Oh, you don’t know what I’m like at all. Captain Awkward of the Awkward Squad here!

It’s also a total fantasy pinacoladalover. That type of friendship doesn’t exist outside of chick lit.

I’ve had one night stands with male friends and it’s been fine, but what you’re suggesting is a whole different kettle of fish.

I haven’t had any true ONS but in most of my relationships I knew and liked the guy (either through friends or working with them) and then slept with them before we were going out and it was truly great sex. So no experience of complete random ONS but quite a few first nights in which we weren’t dating/in a relationship.

I think I would feel too vulnerable having a complete ONS. If I were in your shoes I would approach OLD with a ruthless single focus not on finding someone to be in a relationship with but instead just finding someone you fancy enough and trust enough to have sex with. That way you get to have fun, lose your virginity, but with a basis of at least having chatted, hopefully found some rapport and got to know the guy to enable enough trust to make this a good experience. I wouldn’t say you are a virgin up front but once you are in a position in which you feel like you want to progress things.

Who knows, if you treat this like a project to just find someone you like enough to sleep with, you may end up being pleasantly surprised and finding someone you really want more with! Or you might just have a lot of fun

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age, I was 26 the first time I had sex. I have had lots of ONS and casual hook ups, as I’m more than happy to be handsy, oral etc on those, but sex during a ONS isn’t right for me. My friends sometimes laugh as I managed to be promiscuous and a virgin 😂

Sex means different things to different people, I personally only have sex with someone I’m in an exclusive relationship with, who and I love (and they do me) and trust. So at the age of 32 I have had sex with two people and thats something I’m happy about.

Just remember if your lack of experience is a problem for someone then they don’t deserve your time.

Ok, guys, I'm out then! OP, good luck but please be safe!

If I were in your shoes I would approach OLD with a ruthless single focus not on finding someone to be in a relationship with but instead just finding someone you fancy enough and trust enough to have sex with.

I think this is what I’m coming round to.

Hi OP,

As others have said the most important thing is to be safe if you do decide to go for a ONS. But don't pressure yourself and don't stress about the virginity thing.
Have you tried talking to your female friends about this? Do they have any brothers or friends who are nice guys that might be possibilities?
You have mentioned you feel awkward, but I bet there are loads of guys in your situation who feel just the same. You just need to find some! Easier said than done but they are out there for sure!
Good luck OP.

There are definitely loads of lovely, awkward men out there OP, who I’m sure would be delighted to have sex with you.

Just watch out for the incels - it’s part of their insane philosophy to pretend to be nice.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I’m 99% sure that if I had a male friend who was single and who wanted to have sex with me, I wouldn’t have the problem I currently do

Well exactly. As winter said, that shit only exists in chick lit or, id add, as a porn story line. The older experienced lover doing the younger virgin a favour. Christ all we need is he’s a plumber too and it’s full on eighties porn.🤣

For me, the astonishing thing about first-time sex was that it was so much less significant than social conditioning had made it seem. I didn't look any different, I didn't act any different - there was no external sign that I had crossed that bridge.

I actually agree with Pinacolada - as well as OLD look around your wider social circle of friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Ideally find a man who is a bit older, as he will be more experienced and probably very appreciative of you. Choose someone decent and kind, introduce the topic of sex (even if you want to die of embarrassment) and you will probably find the rest will happen naturally...