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Original poster

If you never thought you'd have a ONS, and did anyway... was it ok?

80 replies

FarTooOldforTikTok · 27/06/2020 22:24

I've never had sex and I'm so fed up of it. I know it sounds stupid and it should be that big a deal, but I feel like it's a millstone around my neck or a flashing light above my head.

I'm 28 Sad

I never meant to wait this long. I'm shy and more homebirdy than attractive, and I thought/hoped that I'd meet someone irl. I never thought it was more likely for a bloody global pandemic to happen than to find a boyfriend!

I've tried apps but it's always just been disastrous.

It's probably a waste of time considering it because no (sane) man has ever been interested, but would you just say fuck it, get it over and done with?

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 27/06/2020 23:54

Btw I’ve never done OLD - seems like a minefield.

Everyone I’ve ever dated or had a ONS with I met at school / work / university or through hobbies with associated social scenes. Maybe that could be a route to finding someone?

Original poster
FarTooOldforTikTok · 27/06/2020 23:57

Do YOU want to have sex, or do you worry about what other people will think if you’re a virgin?

Both! The rational part of me says it’s not a big deal, but the irrational part disagrees.

OP posts:
RyanBergarasTeeth · 27/06/2020 23:59

If its just what other people think put it out of your head op. For a start how would anyone know? If asked just lie if tou dont really feel comfortable doing it. In fairness at 28 who actually gets asked if you are a virgin in 2020? That sounds harsh but i dont mean it to be merely i mean no ones asked me or anyone i know since we were 16 so dont stress about what people think as they dont know or care.

Original poster
FarTooOldforTikTok · 28/06/2020 00:00

I must come off as totally batshit but I’m not a complete recluse and my social life is okay. I’m not the life and soul of the party but I get out and about.

Hobbies and clubs I find more difficult. The ones I really want to do, and I am happy to spend money and time on, are usually all women.

OP posts:
ginandbearit · 28/06/2020 00:00

This probably isnt for you but you would be much sought after within certain evangelical circles..I had male work colleagues who were part of an evangelical church and virgin women were very much on their minds as they were desperate to have an 'untouched ' bride...Not everyones cup.of tea and I certainly judged them on that and many other aspects of their faith but that's for another thread...hope you find a happy answer .

LittleWing80 · 28/06/2020 00:00

You won’t feel any different because you had sex for the first time. It won’t be a right of access into a private club and one ONS won’t make you that much experienced anyway.

As a PP said, it will be an emotional experience / memory though so it would be More meaningful to share it with someone you love and trust and who cares about you.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 28/06/2020 00:02

Oh I’m not the life and soul either OP, you don’t have to be.

That said, if you want to have sex with men, you will have to find some way of interacting with them!

Techway · 28/06/2020 00:04

Have you ever fancied someone? Even as a teen? I think you have to be attracted to the man even if ons.

I don't think there is any need for shame although I choose not to tell the first..he didn't notice!

Mama05 · 28/06/2020 00:04

Defo wait and find that special person to give yourself to and not just some ons

Original poster
FarTooOldforTikTok · 28/06/2020 00:07

I can’t stop laughing about being sought after in evangelical circles Grin Grin Grin

You won’t feel any different because you had sex for the first time.

I thought I might, because at least I would know what to expect. That’s an interesting way of putting it though. I will think about it.

Yes, I have found men attractive.

OP posts:
Zoomintheroom · 28/06/2020 00:09

I've never had a ONS but I can't imagine that you'd feel good afterwards if you're purely doing it to lose your virginity.

My sister didn't lose her virginity until she was 32. She's a lovely person with lots of friends but just never met anyone she felt really comfortable with. When she finally did meet him it took her a year to sleep with him as she had built it up in her head to be such a big deal. She almost considered splitting up with him to avoid the issue. Thankfully she didn't and they are now very happy and living together, soon to be married.

callmeadoctor · 28/06/2020 00:10

Ryanbergarasteeth, I think that virginity is absolutely a prize and should be given with the utmost care (and love if possible.....)

RyanBergarasTeeth · 28/06/2020 00:10

Grin evangelical circles has made me smile. Forget the sex do you fancy a husband op? Grin

WinterAndRoughWeather · 28/06/2020 00:11

You don’t need to build it up that much. I know for some people the first time is emotional and / or memorable, but it doesn’t have to be.

Mine wasn’t really one thing or the other. It was with a boyfriend who I loved (though we only lasted five months), but it wasn’t emotional and it was only memorable because it was so bloody painful...

The memorable (and good) sex came years later, with long term boyfriends.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 28/06/2020 00:15

Ryanbergarasteeth, I think that virginity is absolutely a prize and should be given with the utmost care (and love if possible.....)

Each to their own but i find it an icky and problematic concept only pushed on females. Men are never told to make their first time a magic special memory with a wonderful person. Also really what percentage of people are still with or even in contact with the person they lost their virginity to? Saying that i lost mine in a field at 15 with a boy i just met an hour before Blush. One of my friends lost her virginity at 24 and built it up in her head as this big life changing event that had to be perfect. It just consumed her thoughts that something must be wrong with her, she felt people could some how sense her virginity, she felt like a pretend grown up. In the end she slept with a nice guy but nothing came of it bar friends with benefits and now she doesnt mention it at all.

Original poster
FarTooOldforTikTok · 28/06/2020 00:21

I’m still laughing at the evangelicals too. You’ve properly cheered me up.

I think I’ve made it a big thing when I didn’t mean to. I assumed it would happen at uni etc and then wham, I’m 25 and I’ve never kissed anyone.

I don’t see it as ‘a prize’ at all. If I’m supposed to wait for The One and he’s waiting around the corner until I least expect it, he’s bloody well at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FarTooOldforTikTok · 28/06/2020 00:22

she felt people could some how sense her virginity, she felt like a pretend grown up

Yep. This.

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 28/06/2020 00:22

Exactly RyanBergarasTeeth, the idea that female virginity is a special gift to be “given” (ugh) to a special man is simply some cultural falderal layered over the biological need of men to know that they’re not raising another man’s genes.

itsureis · 28/06/2020 00:23

Well there's plenty of sites out there for people just wanting sex but I'm not sure what you'll think of them.
You have to know what you want and have a thick skin else you could be left feeling very empty and used.
Saying that though, there's probably loads of guys who maybe aren't that experienced either and would love some female company in a FWB type relationship.
I think it's rather nice that you've decided to wait, for whatever reason. And don't think that everyone is having loads of sex all the time but we're not ;-)

Swingswingswingfromthetabletop · 28/06/2020 00:27

I've had a few ONS and don't regret them, I see them (not all) as a time where I could try things and lose all inhibitions. Almost like playing a part, and then (generally) never see them again. Obviously not for everyone, but there was things I've done in the past that I wouldn't do with DH and I'm glad I had the oppurtunity to try them Grin

Maria53 · 28/06/2020 00:37

I've had 5 or 6 ONSs between monogamous relationship. Only 2 i probably wouldn't repeat again but overall decent experiences.

I was in love when I lost my virginity so cant comment on having an ONS as my first time tho.

morriseysquif · 28/06/2020 00:40

I didn't have sex until I was 26, I fancied lots of people but it wasn't reciprocal. When I did finally, it was to a man I fancied a lot, we had a few dates and then after sex, he never called me again. I worked with him so it was awful. He knew I was virgin too, just never called. I kept seeing him at work and he said I'll ' call but but never did. After about a two weeks I rang him at work and said, 'It was fun, but now its not and I don't want to see you again' and put the phone down.

One day, I met him on the street, he just winked at me. I looked him in the eye said 'hello ....' and walked with my head high.But was so hurt.

Lucily, I got seconded out of my job and didn't have to see him.

If you fancy somebody and it's on the cards, go for it. Fanycing is the main ingredient, you must really want to, not just because it is your virginity. But be prepared.

morriseysquif · 28/06/2020 00:48

ps, I HAD called him but he never got back....

Opentooffers · 28/06/2020 01:05

I've had a ONS, it's never going to be the best sex of your life, not something I'd recommend as a first experience, mind you, I've never had an orgasm with one either, I don't have regret as such, they were just a bit pointless really, it's better with someone who you have further intensions with IMO.

Smellybluecheese · 28/06/2020 01:07

I have had lots of ONS. Some good, some bad. I deliberately lost my virginity to one when I was 23. It was someone I’d kissed before and I fancied him though. I fet like it mattered I at least fancied the man I lost my virginity to. I’d given up hope of it being in a loving relationship by then. I had lots of ONS in my twenties following that, most I didn’t fancy but most were fun. Some were excruciating and embarrassing. I wish I’d lost my virginity to a boyfriend in my late teens like seemingly everyone else. But as that didn’t happen I just wanted it over and done with. I met my husband when I was 34. He was my first proper relationship (had a couple of friends with benefits type situations before him). I don’t wish I’d waited until I met him or anything like that.