All this threads about terrible guys make me think I made a mistake...

[Jackeroosmum]

Evening everyone.
I could do with some impartial advice / people to knock some sense into me!
Was with my ex 16 years, married 10. We separated in January after I discovered he had had an affair 2 year previously (I found this out last October so been a while really since we've been together). Unfortunately this wasn't the first time he had started during our marriage. This was the third woman (that I know of) that he'd slept with - first long term affair though (lasted 2 months).
But in all other ways he was a good partner and I really miss him. I miss having him as my person and my friend. For example I'm having issues with work and although I talk to friends and family, it's not the same as having that special person to confide in.
And then I read on here of all these awful guys and the horrors of online dating and I can't help but think whether I should give my marriage another go. He's going through counselling to try and fix his issues and wants to change.
Please someone tell me this is crazy thinking!

Your ex is one of those shitty men you read on here about. I suppose you could sacrifice yourself and save other women looking for a new partner from the shit that your Ex is.

I personally think it's crazy for a number of reasons. He's unlikely to fully change, and do you want to live with the shadow of doubt for the rest of your life.

There's actually some really amazing people out there. It just takes a little time to find them. And even if not, just focus on being happy yourself. Sure, companionship and intimacy can be really strong needs, but you don't always have to surrender your life to someone to have that... And that's in your control. Don't over invest, have fun... Don't let people take advantage of your kind nature.

You are not going to get posts about how great a DP they have, so your view of men could become biased althoughb some of the replies will be positive.
Maybe consider having some counselling for support. I don't think trying with the ex is advisable long term.

There's no harm in seeing him once he's out of counselling?
The fact he's getting help is a good sign. Don't put all your eggs in one basket though with him.

And then I read on here of all these awful guys

And yours wasn’t awful? How many more affairs would he have to have before you would consider him awful?

I would end a relationship if my man so much as sent a dodgy message to someone else. Literally if there is even 1% of a hint of another woman put around my neck he is out of my life faster than a bullet leaves a gun. THREE affairs? He's not a good person. He's a cunt 👍

Thanks everyone. Some very wise points made. I suppose when I saw awful men, I mean I hear if so many women who put up with crap on a daily basis. Affairs aside (yes I know that was horrendous of him) he was a good husband and we got on really well. I suppose I'm worried I won't find anyone else I get on with like him. And I know I should probably focus on just being me right now but the virus doesn't help! Also, who does everyone else turn to for support? Who do you vent to at the end of a stressful working day or when the kids are being a nightmare, of when you look in the mirror and feel shit about yourself? I guess I feel a bit lonely more than anything maybe 🙁

OP, I'm not sure you can really say "affairs aside" and that mean anything. He has some nice qualities or you wouldn't have liked him in the first place but the affairs trump everything else and show what an utter lack of respect he has for you

You’re mourning the marriage you thought you had. Not the man who repeatedly cheated on you. But then an you thought he was and wanted him to be.

Also sometimes there’s an element of better the devil you know.

You could stay in your marriage and he’ll carry on cheating. Looking at it practically, it puts your sexual health at risk, your family finances are diverted to whoever your H is sleeping with and wining and dining and buying gifts for. It’s messes with your mental health, you’re wandering if he’s cheating again and start snooping and getting angry and you turn into someone you don’t like or recognise.

It’s up to you to decide where your personal limit is. Some women really need a man in their lives. I’ve got an absolute darling of a friend who is like that, she genuinely is utterly helpless without a man, and was incredibly depressed and flailing when she got divorced. I’d help her but she’d leave everything and I mean everything to me to do, so I stepped back and told her I’d support her but I had my own stuff to deal with so couldn’t shoulder all her burdens too.

None of us can tell you what to do. It’s your life. There’ll be an entire spectrum of stuff people will put up with and there will be others on here who wouldn’t stand for any of it.

I don't think he was a good partner having had 3 affairs. I think perhaps you are missing the idea of him as it is hard being alone after being with someone all that time. It's only been 6 months so it's not long. This feeling isn't unusual. Think about how you felt when you found out about the affairs. Could you go through that again? We do tend to forget some parts yet remember others.

See that OP? Over there, that long piece of wood lying on the floor. That's your relationship bar. If you pick it up and look carefully, you might find what's left of your self esteem.

Did you get an STD check after you found out about his affairs?

I suggest you get some counselling in order to help process the betrayal you've been through over the years. Due to the 'friend' you confide in having had a string of romantic relationships with other women behind your back. He's spent time on other women that should have been spent on you, wined and dined them and then slept with them while you sat watching Eastenders alone.

He has treated you with the utmost disrespect and contempt and you want to take him back for more of the same. Lothario's like him, tend to end up alone because they have intimacy problems unless they find someone with really low self esteem who turns a blind eye because they'll have anyone so long as they're not left alone. That need makes you really vulnerable to predators OP.

Take a look at BACP for a counsellor and when he inevitably comes a knockin' cos he needs his underpants washed for a date, show him your new pet, the bird.

Please don't take him back.
As another person said, three affairs means he is not a good person, he's a cunt.
3 affairs could absolutely destroy that persons partners mental health...so the fact that he risked that shows that he is selfish and just doesn't care.

Maybe the reason he was nice to you on a daily basis instead of being a cunt was because he had an outlet whenever he needed it and an escape...he had other women to turn to as a break from ordinary life when things got tough and stressful.

I agree with PP, people post about their cheating DPs on here or problems they're having but nobody really posts about their lovely DPs so your image of all men might be skewed.

There are some really genuinely nice men out there who won't cheat on you (once or three times). Don't settle for less than you deserve just because it's easy, you are worth more than that.

He was unfaithful to you three times (that you know of) and you still don't class him as one of the 'terrible guys'? Jeez. You must have a very very low bar for what you consider a non-terrible partner. Definitely a bad idea to get back together. Probably best to stay single for a while and work on building up your self esteem.

Your ex was a shit. He cheated on you 3 times, he would cheat on you again. He did not value you or your relationship enough to commit to it.
It’s been over for him for a long time.
I would suggest that you get some counseling so that you can get your head around what’s happened and how best to move forward with the rest of your life.
Well done you for taking control of your life, you know that you’ve done the right thing.

Thanks everyone. I needed to hear this! I have had counselling. I had a pretty difficult childhood after my parents divorced when I was 10 so I did get help...First time round was 7 years ago when I discovered the first 2 women he'd slept. Was really useful and massively helped to build my self esteem. This time round I had counselling again but the counsellor told me it was fine to take him back if I wanted. I did keep asking to work out why I would ever consider it as I know it's nuts! But she said plenty of people do 😬. Maybe I need a new counsellor!

To be fair many people do take people back, i think the counsellor should be helping you to understand what's important to you and give you the tools to make sure the power balance in your relationship is healthy.
Whether someone did something that is unacceptable to the posters on here doesn't matter at all, what matters is what's important to you. And a counsellor shouldn't be opinionated they should ask the questions and help you answer them.
I think it would be useful to consider how much value your former partner puts on the relationship, if it's not balanced with your investment then it may not suit you. But if you both think it's important in a way that's compatible then the important thing is both to understand each other.
Sorry it's not a simple answer like LTB or whatever, but it's your decision, feminism is helping you speak and listening when you do, so don't let anyone tell you what to do.
However if you want my opinion based on what's written here, purely on that basis I'd say i agree with the posters above, but it's not my life and not my decision.

You will meet someone you get along well with too, it's a numbers game.

Saying he was a good husband in spite of the repeated affairs is like saying "it's a really good car, apart from the fact the engine fails every other week".

A therapist would tell you this as speaking as a therapist myself it is not in our professional role to tell clients what to do or not to do and we are unable to steer a client into making a certain decision so this is what they probably meant as in if you want to take him back then this is your choice, not that he or she actually thought that was a good idea. As it's on mn personally I'd say run for the hills myself good luck xx

Just because there are loads of 10/10 wankers out there doesn't mean you should feel happy or grateful to be with someone who is 'only' a 7/10 wanker!

As PP said, his affair isn't a single flaw that exists alone. It is a reflection of his shortcomings in loyalty, empathy, kindness, compassion, respect... so many things.

Be proud you left someone like that

@Jackeroosmum

Thanks everyone. Some very wise points made. I suppose when I saw awful men, I mean I hear if so many women who put up with crap on a daily basis. Affairs aside (yes I know that was horrendous of him) he was a good husband and we got on really well. I suppose I'm worried I won't find anyone else I get on with like him. And I know I should probably focus on just being me right now but the virus doesn't help! Also, who does everyone else turn to for support? Who do you vent to at the end of a stressful working day or when the kids are being a nightmare, of when you look in the mirror and feel shit about yourself? I guess I feel a bit lonely more than anything maybe 🙁

Affairs aside? No never. He wasn't a good husband at all. He was a terrible husband who put his dick in other women. There is nothing good about him. Don't do it to yourself. You're worth more

hmm I think someone who cheated on you 3 times is one of the terrible guys so I'm not sure what you would class as terrible!

There are plenty of men out there who have never cheated, and would never contemplate cheating.

you need to raise your bar - there are better men out there, and even if you never meet anyone else, it''s actually better to be alone than to be with a cunt. Someone who would cheat and lie to you and disrespect you so horribly. You are worth more!

A therapist would tell you this as speaking as a therapist myself it is not in our professional role to tell clients what to do or not to do

@sarahc336 I suppose it depends on the style of therapy. Most counsellors/therapists might say that's what they're doing, but in reality a lot of therapy nowadays is more directive, isn't it? At least in my experience. Most therapists don't stop at being person-centred anymore, they go on to study something else which gives them a framework to help clients make changes they want to make. At least that's what I've seen from looking for local counsellors/therapists. I live in a large city and only saw one or two near me just offering 'counselling.' Most of them do something else as a selling point. CBT, EMDR, whatever their thing is. Some of mine have given me some really helpful concrete and specific advice. A friend is doing 'person centred' and has been seeing the same therapist/counsellor for years. She's stalled with it really and realizes she hasn't really made any progress for over a year.

@Jackeroosmum Did you see the same therapist the second time? If not, could you go back to your initial one, as it sounds like she helped you? Or if they've retired or something you could ask them to suggest someone? I suppose if you are really into him there might've been nothing the therapist felt they could do say. Therapists even said a lot of things about my ex and it just didn't sink in, or didn't stay for long, or lead to me keeping away from the wrong'un for good. I suppose one of the therapists did help me be a bit more assertive with him about some things. She told me to tell him I was doing some sexual things I didn't want to. Making a thread on here was what did it for me.

He is a serial cheat- he's not gonna stop. Taking him back is not worth the risk of him cheating again, nor does he deserve you. There are loads of guys out there, you could find a non-cheating one, you really could, who also has the plus points of you enjoying his company etc.

“Also, who does everyone else turn to for support? Who do you vent to at the end of a stressful working day or when the kids are being a nightmare, of when you look in the mirror and feel shit about yourself? I guess I feel a bit lonely more than anything maybe“.
I did not see anyone answer this yet. I think it depends on what works for you. How did you let off steam or spoil yourself after a bad day before you had children? Exercise, a steak, calling a friend, box sets, reading, writing, painting, yoga, meditation, bath, facial, making a hairdressers or massage appointment or arranging an expedition or something to look forward to for the next weekend ... Whatever works for you ...

@NoMoreDickheads yes I deliver cbt which is often very directive as am I in my style, I just meant as a therapist I could never say " oh just leave him he's a dick" because if the client then did and it turned out badly it could be turned around as well my therapist told me too and this would be seen as unprofessional so we need to be careful if being our own opinions into the room. I was just helping the op to see that her counsellor probably wasn't saying for her to take him back, more trying to remain professional