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Original poster

Dh asked if dc2 is his child - would you forgive this?

63 replies

SusanBoils · 26/06/2020 23:40

Brief backstory - together 13 years, 3 dc together. I have NEVER been unfaithful nor even given dh any reason to think I have.

We had a great relationship until last year, when dh had an EA. Definitely no physical contact (I’m sure of this) but a 3 month EA where they discussed how much they liked each other, messaged daily, suggestive smutty texts etc. I found messages on his phone, all hell broke loose, he begged forgiveness and we spent time talking (although not enough I think) and I decided to ‘forgive’ him.

Anyway, fast forward a year and I’m struggling. I think about how he was unfaithful often, I’m still incredibly hurt and angry and it swirls around and around in my head until once every few months we have a massive row when I spill out all of the thoughts I keep in daily.

Most recent row was last week and was completely instigated by me after a few too many wines (which is rare for me). It escalated and I called him (shouted at him) a lying, cheating scumbag or words to that effect. I was very (verbally) aggressive which I admit. He had been as calm as he could be until then, at which point he snapped and shouted at me that I was one to talk. And that he wanted to know if ds2 was even his son as he’d ‘doubted it for years’.

I was completely gobsmacked. I still can’t even now believe he said it to me. He almost immediately went green and spent the next hour shaking and apologising and saying he had no idea why he said it, of COURSE he doesn’t think that etc.

But really? WTAF. I can’t even get my head around it and if I was hurt and upset before it’s nothing to how I feel now.

He can’t explain it. He swears he’s never had doubts and only repeats ‘I’m sorry I don’t know why I said it’. But why ds2 specifically? He said it with so much venom and so directly I just can’t believe it was a random meaningless horrible thing to say.

What the fuck do I do? Would you even try and work past this or am I just delaying the inevitable by staying together?

Sorry for the rambling essay 🙁

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 26/06/2020 23:44

How could a comment like that have come out of nowhere? Very strange thing to just randomly say!?

CheshireChat · 26/06/2020 23:46

It sounds like he just said the most hurtful thing he could think of on the spot. Or he knows that his feelings are unreasonable, but just blurted it out.

Could you instigate a calm discussion about the repercussions of his EA and how you feel? However, do you feel you can forgive him at all? Is there anything he could actually do?

Because if you can't (and that's ok as well) then it's probably best to call it a day instead of both of you being unhappy.

frazzledasarock · 26/06/2020 23:49

Would you be able to afford counselling? You sound like you both desperately need it.

If you can’t however get past the EA & now his very hurtful and unfair deflection on you I’d walk away.

It takes a lot to rebuild trust, and it’s never the way it was.

Love51 · 26/06/2020 23:50

Suggestive smutty texts doesn't sound like an EA. It sounds like an old fashioned affair. How old is ds2? What is their relationship like? Do you think that he has doubts about ds2's paternity, or was he just being cruel?

xTinkerhellx · 26/06/2020 23:51

Him having an EA was a shitty thing to do.

You throwing it back in his face and being verbally abusive every few months was a shitty thing to do.

Him saying that about your son was a shitty thing to do.

This isn't fair on any of you. If you cannot get passed his EA (and that's fine! It WAS a shitty thing to do!) then just leave.

Bottling your anger up and explosive arguments every few months and lashing out at each other because you're hurt is no way to live for any of you. Including your children.

xTinkerhellx · 26/06/2020 23:52

Sorry, replace 'abusive' with 'agressive'.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/06/2020 23:54

I suspect he wants to cast doubt over your fidelity to appease his own actions.

OP. You need to decide whether you have forgiven him or not. If you have, you need to let the past go.

Personally, I couldn't. I know I couldn't. And saying you have and then throwing it at him isn't fair on either of you.

Institutkarite · 26/06/2020 23:55

DARVO
Deny, attack, reverse, victim, offender.
He knows that he was wrong and although he wasn't physically unfaithful the intent was there. He cannot bear the fact that his actions have had a long term effect on you.
So the easiest thing for him to do is blame your for his wrongdoing.
1st rule of misogyny. Women are responsible for everything that men say and do.
I'd suggest couples counselling and complete openness from him about his Emotional Affair. He must and should understand the effect that his actions have had on you.
He needs to accept that he's got a long way to go before you trust him again.

Original poster
SusanBoils · 26/06/2020 23:55

Since the ‘is ds2 my son’ argument I’ve noticed the same pattern of behaviour as after the EA.

We have discussed it calmly since...and I get variations of i’m sorry/I’m so ashamed/I have no idea why it happened on loop.

He did and said the exact same after the EA. I never had a ‘reason’. There was nothing we could work out as I still have no idea why the EA happened because his ‘talk’ mode seems to be to shutdown and not speak plainly in case it makes matters worse.

OP posts:
RoseTintedAtuin · 26/06/2020 23:57

I really feel for you OP! I can’t imagine how hurtful that must have been. Flowers

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/06/2020 23:58

Since the ‘is ds2 my son’ argument I’ve noticed the same pattern of behaviour as after the EA.
I read the op and thought he is having an affair. Its white typical of people having affairs to accuse their partners of affairs.

Original poster
SusanBoils · 26/06/2020 23:59

Ds2 is 9. Dh has an amazing relationship with all 3 dc and is a fantastic father in all ways, never anything about ds2 that’s ‘different’ if that makes sense.

I think we could benefit from counselling but we can’t afford it at all unfortunately.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 27/06/2020 00:02

I think we could benefit from counselling but we can’t afford it at all unfortunately.

Can you cut back on anything at all?

I'm not sure that you can not afford it.

Original poster
SusanBoils · 27/06/2020 00:04

Lorenzo - the one thing I’m certain of is that he’s not having an affair currently (EA or physical). We’ve barely been out of each other’s sight since March and he doesn’t even have a phone anymore since dc3 ‘washed’ his in April. He literally doesn’t have opportunity right now.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/06/2020 00:09

He has no electronics at all?! Me and dh both have a phone, tablet ANd laptop! I can’t believe a working adult in 2020 has no tech!

Regardless, you dont trust him and he sId something hurtful aBout his child. Whats the point in staying?

NoMoreDickheads · 27/06/2020 00:11

Him having an EA was a shitty thing to do. You throwing it back in his face and being verbally abusive every few months was a shitty thing to do.

Not really, OP doesn't say she's usually verbally aggressive as such. If she's still unhappy about what he did that's completely understandable and isn't throwing it back in his face, just the truth of how she feels.

A year isn't long in the great scheme of things.

@SusanBoils That's both a nasty and bizarre thing for him to say.

Do you feel he's doing/done all he can to make up for what he did last year? It doesn't seem like he is if he can come out with something like that! The onus is on him to make up for what he did to you. If you mention his affair and how much it hurt you, then I think the right response from him each time is- I'm so sorry I hurt you etc etc etc. If you bring it up even in an angry tone of voice he could just own what he did and say that he completely understands your anger and he deserves it, he can only try and make it up to you or whatever.

xxxxx Flowers Flowers Flowers xxxx

Original poster
SusanBoils · 27/06/2020 00:13

Whats the point in staying?

13 years of life together? Marriage, mortgage, children? He’s a great father to the dc and I don’t doubt that he loves me. I love him - if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have a problem.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 27/06/2020 05:22

He's reflecting his own betrayal back onto you, men do that all the time. And it's a shitty thing to do.
Tell him to take a DNA test if he wants to be that pathetic about it.
He could have done so already if he wasn't sure sp m,aybe ask him why he hasn't. The answer is of course he knows he is spouting bullshit.

LunaNorth · 27/06/2020 05:42

He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

Hanab · 27/06/2020 07:34

Let him pay for a dna test to set his mind at ease.. I echo what others have said .. he is projecting his own issues.
How sure are you that he does not have a phone? Secret phones are not unheard of 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2020 07:50

If you really want to forgive him then you have to stop getting angry and throwing it back at him every time. It's alright if you don't forgive him though. It doesn't seem like he wants to really make amends for it or can explain why he did it. His comment about your son was nasty.

Dozer · 27/06/2020 07:55

You say you can’t afford counselling, but separation / divorce seem on the cards. Counselling with someone good - eg BACP qualified - probably won’t change/determine the outcome, but might help whatever that outcome is, and seems a good investment weighed against the huge financial cost of separation/divorce (and that’s setting aside the emotional fallout).

Dozer · 27/06/2020 08:00

On his accusation, agree with PPs that it’s classic ‘DARVO’ and / or projection - HE knows he cheated/cheats therefore suspects you.

It doesn’t sound like you had ‘full disclosure’ about the affair.

You seem to be assuming that issues in your relationship were a factor. Could be as simple as an attraction / opportunity arose and, due to flaws in his own character, he took it.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 27/06/2020 08:02

You haven’t forgiven him. And that is absolutely ok. But it isn’t fair on anyone - you, him, your kids - to carry on not forgiving him, and just torturing each other.
I agree with the PP who said you can’t afford not to have counselling if you are determined to stay together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2020 08:05

Divorce will cost a lot more than counselling. You need a safe space away from your home to get all of this stuff out without yelling. If it keeps coming up your children will know you’re unhappy. People always say their kids don’t know. They do.