Dh asked if dc2 is his child - would you forgive this?

[SusanBoils]

Brief backstory - together 13 years, 3 dc together. I have NEVER been unfaithful nor even given dh any reason to think I have.

We had a great relationship until last year, when dh had an EA. Definitely no physical contact (I’m sure of this) but a 3 month EA where they discussed how much they liked each other, messaged daily, suggestive smutty texts etc. I found messages on his phone, all hell broke loose, he begged forgiveness and we spent time talking (although not enough I think) and I decided to ‘forgive’ him.

Anyway, fast forward a year and I’m struggling. I think about how he was unfaithful often, I’m still incredibly hurt and angry and it swirls around and around in my head until once every few months we have a massive row when I spill out all of the thoughts I keep in daily.

Most recent row was last week and was completely instigated by me after a few too many wines (which is rare for me). It escalated and I called him (shouted at him) a lying, cheating scumbag or words to that effect. I was very (verbally) aggressive which I admit. He had been as calm as he could be until then, at which point he snapped and shouted at me that I was one to talk. And that he wanted to know if ds2 was even his son as he’d ‘doubted it for years’.

I was completely gobsmacked. I still can’t even now believe he said it to me. He almost immediately went green and spent the next hour shaking and apologising and saying he had no idea why he said it, of COURSE he doesn’t think that etc.

But really? WTAF. I can’t even get my head around it and if I was hurt and upset before it’s nothing to how I feel now.

He can’t explain it. He swears he’s never had doubts and only repeats ‘I’m sorry I don’t know why I said it’. But why ds2 specifically? He said it with so much venom and so directly I just can’t believe it was a random meaningless horrible thing to say.

What the fuck do I do? Would you even try and work past this or am I just delaying the inevitable by staying together?

Sorry for the rambling essay 🙁

He's attempting to create a sympathetic reason for cheating then maybe leaving/the marriage ending. Hell tell the OW, people and future gfs this so that they'll see him as a victim.

and 💐💐💐

Get a DNA test done on all the children, that way you achieve two things: first that accusation can never be made again and second, he will understand that you will press the nuclear button if you have to. Make a power grab.

I don't agree with others who say divorce is in the cards. Obviously if that's what you both want then you should do what's best for you.
But the sense I'm getting is that you're having a bit of a blip - which all couples do. Some decide it's best to end their relationship but I think lots of people give up too easily.
Can you imagine going weeks without seeing your DH? Can you imagine if he's in an accident and someone else gets called not you? Can you imagine dropping off your children for a weekend with daddy that you are not part of?
Its obvious to me that you both love each other and are committed to your relationship and your family. Which is something to celebrate.
I read a book which, although fiction, explores this really well. It's called What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriaty. It's about a woman who bangs her head and forgets 10 years of her life. I really recommend you read it. It explores how people in relationships can make mistakes and can hurt each other but also how they can forgive, remember who they are together and the power of shared memories.
You and your DH have hurt each other. Neither of you are perfect. But you chose each other. And you still choose each other. And that's the most powerful thing here.
You shared the experience of bringing three children into the world. You have shared your lives, your secrets, everything. You CAN learn to remember what it feels like to be content in your relationship if that's what you both want.
I really do recommend seeing a counsellor who can help you explore this.
I know sessions seem expensive but often 2 or 3 sessions are all you need so the prices reflect this.
I know it seems difficult now but I think you're going to be alright. All the best.

As the others have said, you cannot afford not to have counselling. You’re a year on from the EA and by your own words are still struggling and having huge monthly arguments like this one. This is not fair on any of you. Do you really want your kids growing up in this environment? Get help for yourself and your marriage or get out.

Divorce is more expensive. By miles. You're stuck in an awful pattern that's going to end with one of you hating the other and an explosive divorce.

You can't get a dna test done on the children to satisfy their twat of a father. How will you explain that? "Sorry ds2 daddy doesn't think you're his son so i need to prove i didn't cheat on him 10 years ago, and i am going to use you, a child, to prove it". Don't drag the child into this stupid accusation. I don't think there's any coming back from this let alone his affair. He's suggesting that not only did you cheat on him 9 years ago, you've lied to him for the past 9 years about the boy being his son.

He's also very neatly sidestepped talking about the affair by putting you in the position of having to defend yourself against the utterly bizarre suggestion that one of your children isn't his.

You might love him but i really really don't think he loves you. At all.

Definitely get the counselling before there’s anymore damage done.

What @josephineDeBeauharnais said.

I think you need to stop and really look at how your relationship is panning out into the future. Stop looking at right now and look at the likely direction if you carry on in this way.

I hate to say it, but the EA only stopped because you discovered it. He's proven he's capable of being unfaithful and you will NEVER trust him again. Remember, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?

Saying what he did about dc2 was disgusting and he only did it because he does not respect you as a person, he's projecting and he's starting to create a story in his head so that when he leaves, he looks like the victim.

There's really only one way to sort this. It's the relationship 180. Get all DC DNA tested, get all your financial papers in order and make it clear to your DH that you will not tolerate any bad behaviour again, that you're prepared to leave if necessary.

I hope I'm wrong, but unless you take strong decisive action to take back control and self respect there's a good chance we'll see you back here in 6 months talking about your DHs affair and asking for advice now that he's left you for the OW and is trying to screw you in some way.

Don't be that person.

Sounds like he just said the worst thing he could think of to hurt you - which, ironically, was about cheating even though he’s done it himself. His angry brain was just fishing around for something awful to say.

I agree you need to deal with it, you can’t hold it against your DH for the rest of your lives. My DH had an emotional affair about ten years ago (we were still only about 19/20 but had been together a couple of years so it still hurt, especially as it took place when I was away for the summer so wasn’t just teenagers texting or something). It probably took me 6-12 months to get over it, which I mainly did by being open about my feelings as I felt them, so I’d tell DH I was still sad/angry/hurt, rather than bottling it up. Clearly we’ve managed to move on and he’s never given the smallest indication since that he’d do something similar - I’m hoping he’s grown up.

You need counselling (ideally as a couple) or this last year of effort and pain will be for nothing if you can’t move on and let it go. Either you want to be together and therefore you need to forgive him or at least forget, or else you don’t trust him and never will in which case you need to move on and leave.

How vile will he be to ds2, while he thinks he's not his?

It sounds like in an argument he said the most hurtful thing he could think of and that's wrong.

However, when you make a decision to forgive someone and move past infidelity then there has to be moving forward. The innocent party can't say they've forgiven their other half and then keep bringing it up and generating massive arguments about it. That's not forgiveness.

Either you forgive him and have counselling to move forward properly to have a healthy relationship, or you decide the hurt is too much, you can't build a trusting relationship going forward, and you end the relationship. Neither is right or wrong, but it's wrong to remain in an unhealthy relationship.

As the others have said, you cannot afford not to have counselling. You’re a year on from the EA and by your own words are still struggling and having huge monthly arguments like this one. This is not fair on any of you. Do you really want your kids growing up in this environment? Get help for yourself and your marriage or get

This. He did a shitty thing. It sounds like things are still horrible at home - and perhaps money is also an issue? For an adult in 2020 to spend months in lockdown without a phone seems incredibly isolating also.
You need to sort it out or call it a day. Counselling is cheaper than divorce.

It sounds as if you’re living in a bubbling cauldron of your anger and pain and his guilt and shame, and that’s not healthy for anybody. People do move past affairs, and can rebuild better, stronger relationships if both parties are committed and able to move on. But it’s not easy, and not everybody can do it. You can’t carry on like this - you either need to work through your issues properly, ideally with the help of a counsellor, or agree to separate.

I want to know where your poor kids are whilst you two are screaming and shouting at each other, and whilst your angers simmers every day. You will be emotionally leaking left, right and centre. Your children don’t deserve to be in a toxic environment.

Sounds like he wanted you to feel as bad as he did. Accusing you of what he did seemed to have worked. Get the test if you want and tell him to never throw his mistakes back in your face again.

From all you have said he sounds rotten.

Counselling is expensive, but a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Thank you for all the comments. I’m still reading and thinking and I think it’s clear we need counselling to move on (in whatever way that is).

To answer a couple of specific questions - I’ve already suggested DNA tests and he was horrified, doubly apologetic and refused to consider it.

Re this: How vile will he be to ds2, while he thinks he's not his?

Despite all his MANY faults he’s not ‘vile’ to the dc at all. He’s a fantastic, engaged, wonderful father and always has been.

Regarding my ‘poor kids’ - we’re not in the habit of screaming and shouting in front of them. We NEVER argue with the dc in earshot. So there are no ‘poor kids’ to be overly concerned about in that respect.

Is there any chance that your child could have heard him say this? My dad said something similar about me in an argument with my mum when I was 12, and it devastated me. They didn't realise I'd heard this for a few years until I told them what I'd heard, and although he apologised and was then himself devastated at what he'd said, it continued to affect me for many years. My parents had a volatile relationship when I was between the ages of around 8 and 14, and I would not wish that on any child. They got through it and were happy in later years but my siblings and I are the ones who bear the lasting scars.

He is projecting his own shitty behaviour onto you. He is very emotionally immature to do that.

Are you sure there wasn't more to this "emotional" affair ? I would day it is pretty unusual for women to swop "smutty" texts with someone they have never had any sexual contact with whatsoever.

Abbie - no, no chance at all as they weren’t at home at the time.

Cross posted, but just because you think kids can't hear doesn't mean they can't, and people are generally louder than they realise when they've had a few drinks, which you said you had. Not having a go, just sharing experience as I've been in their place and my parents were shocked at what I was able to tell them about "conversations" they were convinced were out of earshot

So sorry, keep cross posting with you! That's good, I hope you're able to work things out to the resolution that's best for you xx

AnyFucker - yes definitely no physical contact, i’m 100% certain.

The smut was mainly from his side - not overtly sexual but plenty of cringeworthy, very suggestive play-on-words type messages. She was definitely encouraging/inappropriately flirty and suggestive back though so it’s not like he was bombarding an innocent with unwanted messages - it was most definitely a two way thing.

He sounds quite pathetic, tbh

I wonder if you have any respect left for him at all