Dh asked if dc2 is his child - would you forgive this?

[SusanBoils]

Brief backstory - together 13 years, 3 dc together. I have NEVER been unfaithful nor even given dh any reason to think I have.

We had a great relationship until last year, when dh had an EA. Definitely no physical contact (I’m sure of this) but a 3 month EA where they discussed how much they liked each other, messaged daily, suggestive smutty texts etc. I found messages on his phone, all hell broke loose, he begged forgiveness and we spent time talking (although not enough I think) and I decided to ‘forgive’ him.

Anyway, fast forward a year and I’m struggling. I think about how he was unfaithful often, I’m still incredibly hurt and angry and it swirls around and around in my head until once every few months we have a massive row when I spill out all of the thoughts I keep in daily.

Most recent row was last week and was completely instigated by me after a few too many wines (which is rare for me). It escalated and I called him (shouted at him) a lying, cheating scumbag or words to that effect. I was very (verbally) aggressive which I admit. He had been as calm as he could be until then, at which point he snapped and shouted at me that I was one to talk. And that he wanted to know if ds2 was even his son as he’d ‘doubted it for years’.

I was completely gobsmacked. I still can’t even now believe he said it to me. He almost immediately went green and spent the next hour shaking and apologising and saying he had no idea why he said it, of COURSE he doesn’t think that etc.

But really? WTAF. I can’t even get my head around it and if I was hurt and upset before it’s nothing to how I feel now.

He can’t explain it. He swears he’s never had doubts and only repeats ‘I’m sorry I don’t know why I said it’. But why ds2 specifically? He said it with so much venom and so directly I just can’t believe it was a random meaningless horrible thing to say.

What the fuck do I do? Would you even try and work past this or am I just delaying the inevitable by staying together?

Sorry for the rambling essay 🙁

Counselling.

Thank goodness your chilkdren were not there to hear this.

Counselling then decide what to do. You cannot bring your children up in a household where there is resentment fights and allegations like that thrown around when too much drink has been taken (or at any other time).

Both of you need to be responsioble sensible adults and sort this before you destroy everything precious. If that means divorce so be it. But try counselling first and crack on.

I wonder if he had another affair either physical or emotional around the time dc2 was concieved and thats why he singled that child out. If his mind was preoccupied at the time the pregnacy of dc2 then the pregnacy could have been a shock to him.

Whatever the reason I personally would never forgive and affair of any kind. The trust is damaged forever.
And what he said about your child is just vile.

There's no way I'd DNA test my DC to prove a point. He either trusts your honesty or he doesn't - if my h was wanting such a test, that would be the absolute death knell of our relationship. So I think it's 'good' that he is not wanting that - it shows that he doesn't really have doubts about your integrity.
But he has said a really vicious thing to you, probably because he is fed up of having to deal with the consequences of his own behaviour and would like to make this somehow your fault too. Which is shitty and immature and doesn't bode well.
Agree with pp that you can't afford not to get some help here.

You say you decided to "forgive" him but I don't think you have and that's absolutely fine, you don't have to but if you want to repair the relationship, the sad truth it, it is down to you.
He's caused this mess but the power you have now is how to react to this. He can apologise all he likes, it's very easy for him to do, it's just words but for you to actually forgive him and move on is much more difficult and unfortunately only you can do this.
He's put you in an absolutely shitty position

No, I could not forgive that comment.
Personally I think my DH would have cause to ask the same question about one of ours but never has. I know I didn’t have an affair but you couldn’t find a child/person who looks less like either one of us or their siblings if you tried. Personally I think there may have been a hospital mix up, yet even so DH has never asked that question or thrown out any such accusation. If he did I would get rid.

Personally I think there may have been a hospital mix up

Sorry to derail but are you serious? You think one of your dc was mixed up at the hospital?

Sorry to derail but are you serious? You think one of your dc was mixed up at the hospital?

Yes, why wouldn’t I be? It does happen (albeit rarely). God knows I’m not handing them back though. I’ve gone through hell and high water with them for over 20 years now so they are mine and I am theirs, biological or not!

Point being, even in this situation, DH has never said anything shitty like the OP’s DH.

He’s a great father to the dc and I don’t doubt that he loves me

Oh but he doesn't 100% OP. Otherwise he wouldn't have been talking dirty or flirting with another woman, and wouldn't be accusing you of something so hurtful.

If someone who claims to love me had come out with that, I would have had my bags packed before he had drawn breath. How dare he come out with such a thing when it was him who had been unfaithful, emotional or not.

I seem to post this link a lot, but it seems lots of people need it:
www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

His 'no reason' for the EA is part of genuine imitation remorse.

His going green, his shaking and crying - straight out of the sociopath playbook. They don't understand that when you say something like that, your first concern (out of empathy, which they don't have) is for the other person. They only understand that they have said something bad, and their default response is to seek sympathy.

He should be doing everything in his power to save your marriage after having an affair, not doing the 'aren't you over this yet?' thing.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't forgive, and I would end the relationship. But maybe you want to wait for his third strike, or his fourth. Your call.

Check out Survivors of Sociopaths on Facebook before you decide.

Oh give over. A vanishingly tiny amount of the population are actual sociopaths. This guy sounds emotionally immature but not a sociopath! These two need couples counselling ASAP if there's any hope of them coparenting effectively be it as a couple or apart. It's not ok for the OP to verbally abusive and calling him a scumbag etc because he "deserves it". Nor is it ok for him to question the parentage of his children. The whole thing is toxic and the OP is deluded if she thinks the kids aren't affected by it.

Is it abusive wanting answers and the affair to be discussed openly and her questions answered instead of fobbed off with ‘I don’t know’?

It’s certainly abusive telling your wife you don’t know whether your dc is yours out of absolutely nowhere when you are the one who has been caught having the affair.

He’s a liar and a cheat no idea about any diagnosis. But this will eat up at you unless you are able to have your questions answered and get closure for yourself.

He was projecting his guilt about his infidelity into you. An age old abusive gaslighting trick to take all the attention away from him and more importantly, to cut you to the quick. He mentions DS2 because his childhood probably represents the start of your husband's infidelity.