Sisters Husband lied about being on Instagram

[IndieRo]

So last night my sister text me saying her DH is on Instagram.. Long story short, my sister had an affair 3 years ago. It was a horrible time for everybody in the family. They got back together and they both decided to quit social media as in Facebook and Instagram. It turns out her DH literally came of it for a month or so and has been on it liking and commenting since. She had it out with him and he blatantly denied it even though she had the proof. His excuse was I went on it the odd time or I had to message a friend because I lost their number. My sister is really upset, DH still brings up the affair even though my sister has done everything to make things right. She doesn't see her friends anymore and basically stays at home looking after the children. DH seems to think that he can do what he wants because she made a mistake. My sister wanted to get back exercising and was told, there's nobody to mind kids. Then he turns around and says I'm starting a 6 week fitness programme with my brother and will be doing 3 evening exercise classes. I just really feel for my sister to be honest. The reason she had the affair was because DH really took her for granted. He would come in late from work, eat his dinner at the table with his headphones in and watch his phone. My sister had no life at all. Everybody thinks hubby is great because he comes across as loveable and kind to everyone but I've seen the real side of him. I just don't know how to help her and why did he lie about being on Instagram?

I don’t think the problem is being on social media as such it’s the way his punishing her for her mistake. Is she willing to live like this forever with no life if her own. Sounds like she needs to get out if he can’t forgive and move on.

Can she divorce him in situ? It seems the only way forward.

She still needs outside help this is going to have a huge impact on the children

She needs a job even if all it pays for is the childcare it will get her out the house and he can't control her there

He sounds like a knob. He pounced on her affair to control her.

Help her to leave OP if you can.

Your sister can get support and advice here:

www.womensaid.ie

www.cocs.ie
www.safeireland.ie

She is being abused and needs help

I don’t understand the people asking why he ‘can’t ‘ be on Instagram . It’s really not that difficult to understand that someone shouldn’t break their word is it
They agreed they would BOTH stay off these sites . Regardless of her affair that doesn’t give him the ok to break his word.
This is no different to those pricks of men who say agree not to use porn then sneak around using it. I see no problem with couples agreeing to pirn within their relationship but why make the promise only to lie . Move on and find someone else .
Back to the ops sister , yes she made a mistake and excuses don’t need to be made . He’s being an avid Ive jerk and punishing her . I suggest she seriously seek help in breaking free of him

I'm not justifying the affair.. I believe if you're unhappy, leave. That way you're making things less complicated and not involving outside parties etc etc..

However, people seem to think the world is black & white. Relationships are much more complex when you consider men vs women's needs. If he was ignoring her, fobbing her off, not communicating with her, not making an effort for HER & their marriage.. of course she got lonely and sought comfort elsewhere. Women are USUALLY deeper than just the needing a casual shag. He was negligent before but now he's just an abusive dickhead. Of course he didn't want that therapist.. some people don't like strangers reading them and hearing some inalienable truths. He would NEVER accept he was responsible for his wife's unhappiness.
And affair or not.. what kind of man allows his family to treat his WIFE like that? He's really on his high horse now and needs to be pulled down. Is she going to attempt to talk to him?? I think IF she left him and his family would tell people she ran off with another man & try to destroy her reputation.

Well it's pretty clear she's going to stay until it gets bad enough for her to leave, so in the meantime she has to own the consequences of that choice.

Alternatively, she can get legal advice (perhaps through the resources others have listed), and file for divorce while they both stay in the family home.

Yes, very uncomfortable. But none of her choices are comfortable ones. Staying simply has the advantage of being a familiar discomfort. Nothing else going for it, because pretty much any other choice has a chance of happiness that the status quo definitely doesn't.

Exactly what @ChristmasFluff said.

It's not a question of trust . He is obviously punishing her for what she did so looks like it is the end of the road for them . He has not forgiven her . She should have thought about some of the possible outcomes when she had her affair - was she thinking about her children then - no . She was thinking about being taken for granted etc ? Yes... an affair often with some other woman's husband is the answer of course . She now has to take the hit for this because divorce makes everyone poorer . Time for her to pull her big girl pants on and move on to a new life .

He shouldn't have agreed to quit social media, he clearly doesn't want to.
I think he needs to let her go, do his own thing. The thing is I don't think he's strong enough so she needs to do it. But she needs to want to leave and get the strength.
All you can do is be there for her

Can she get counselling on her own, for herself? That would help restore her faith in herself. Give her the strength to figure out what she can do.

OP, I'm not sure if this only applies to physical violence but in the past couple of weeks in Ireland the rules have changed in regards to rent supplement and means test for domestic violence victims.

www.image.ie/life/domestic-violence-victims-given-access-to-rent-supplement-without-means-test-203165

Ring womens aid or citizens information and find out....as the rules are only new citizens information might not be up to speed on it....but from their website it says

*Victims of domestic violence referred from Tusla-funded services, An Garda Síochána and the Health Service Executive (HSE) can get immediate access to Rent Supplement. The mean-test for Rent Supplement will not apply for 3 months.

Rent Supplement can be extended for a further 3 months, but the means-test will apply.

After this 6 month period, if the person has a long term housing need, they can apply to their local housing authority for social housing supports and access the Housing Assistance Payment (HAP), if eligible.*

I just quickly went onto the TUSLA and HSE pages and their definition of domestic violence doesn't have to include physical violence.

In your sisters case it sounds like coercive control which is a form of domestic abuse. From the piece above taken from citizens information It does sound like she'd have to go to the guards first and report the coercive control.....or maybe it would be possible for a doctor to do it? I'm not sure about TUSLA but they would probably take forever to make the referral if they did deal with it. The best thing to do would be maybe phone womens aid and ask how to get the referral made!

@JuanNil what's wrong with that? Itd be easier to give advice if we knew the OP was the sister. If it genuinely is her sister then we know she has family support (the op) if the OP is in fact the sister and has no family/sister then we know if there is literally 0 family/relatives which again changes things/dynamics.