Sisters Husband lied about being on Instagram

[IndieRo]

So last night my sister text me saying her DH is on Instagram.. Long story short, my sister had an affair 3 years ago. It was a horrible time for everybody in the family. They got back together and they both decided to quit social media as in Facebook and Instagram. It turns out her DH literally came of it for a month or so and has been on it liking and commenting since. She had it out with him and he blatantly denied it even though she had the proof. His excuse was I went on it the odd time or I had to message a friend because I lost their number. My sister is really upset, DH still brings up the affair even though my sister has done everything to make things right. She doesn't see her friends anymore and basically stays at home looking after the children. DH seems to think that he can do what he wants because she made a mistake. My sister wanted to get back exercising and was told, there's nobody to mind kids. Then he turns around and says I'm starting a 6 week fitness programme with my brother and will be doing 3 evening exercise classes. I just really feel for my sister to be honest. The reason she had the affair was because DH really took her for granted. He would come in late from work, eat his dinner at the table with his headphones in and watch his phone. My sister had no life at all. Everybody thinks hubby is great because he comes across as loveable and kind to everyone but I've seen the real side of him. I just don't know how to help her and why did he lie about being on Instagram?

Her boundaries are all over the shop. The affair happened and was wrong of her, but if they choose to move on from it together they establish clear boundaries and to work together to build trust, or else they don't and they decide to separate. You can't have a middle ground where the affair is constantly being made reference to or 'atoned' for through everyday life, limiting freedoms etc.

Although it sounds like you're blaming him for this (and he does sound like a knob tbf), ultimately it's your sister's responsibility. She is an adult and is free to say "look I've had the affair, I'm sorry and I would like us to move forward and try again" at the same time as saying "as part of being a good mum and wife I am having some time and hobbies for me to keep me feeling healthy and happy eg exercising 3 x a week". If they are both on the same page then that should be reasonable. Otherwise they are just stuck back in affair fallout with him punishing her.

Being "stuck" there is not an excuse imho. She can get a job and leave. She could stay with your family, or get a cheaper room for the time being. To stay and tolerate this situation is the wrong choice and sending out the wrong message to him, their kids and in terms of her own self respect.

The point is, the affair was clearly wrong, but if they have both agreed to move forward then that is what they should do. What's happening now is not committing to that and sounds deeply toxic. And therefore, if she can't move forward and she is having her freedoms limited then she should do the right thing and end it.

slipperywhensparticus, it's not that easy. She lives in Ireland, normal rent fir a 2 bed house would be minimum of 2200 euros. She would get no help towards the rent as she technically has her own home. Childcare fees astronomical as well. She could never make enough money to cover everything.

I told a lot of people when my exh had an affair. I don't think that makes me a tit. I wanted people to understand the other side of the "lovely, fun loving, life and soul of the party" husband I had and that my marriage failing was not my fault.

I didn't and won't get back together with him though for the reasons your sister and BIL probably shouldn't have - I could never 100% trust him again and I am not prepared to live like that.

They need to separate. He sounds like an awful husband treating her like crap and ignoring her. I'm not suprised she found solace in someone else. That should've told her that her marriage was over though, there didn't seem to be much to stay for.

I understand why she was unhappy but that still doesn’t mean she can have an affair! So she can’t leave because she has nowhere to go? Then why did she risk it all for an affair? What if he chucked her out? She just needs to leave and stop blaming DH for her affair.

They're married. Leaving the family home wont stop her getting half (or more) of the money in the marriage and home.

Did the person who told her not to leave know about the abuse?

She doesnt have a job. The kids arent in school (or won't be for much longer if they've gone back).
She should pack up and leave. There is no reason to stay in the area. Can she move in with you?

They can sort the rest out through solicitors later, but she could pack up today and move in with you, claim universal credit and child maintenance and start sorting her life out.

You sister did wrong by having an affair, but her husband doesn't have the right to keep her under lock and key whilst he does whatever he wants. Social media is neither here nor there. Have they had counselling?

@IndieRo

slipperywhensparticus, it's not that easy. She lives in Ireland, normal rent fir a 2 bed house would be minimum of 2200 euros. She would get no help towards the rent as she technically has her own home. Childcare fees astronomical as well. She could never make enough money to cover everything.

Can her and the kids come to you for a visit and not return

I've no idea of the benefits situation in Ireland

Do they have a womans aid or equivalent over there?

She needs to go and see a solicitor

She needs to join Mumsnet and start her own thread.

Every man who has an affair spins the same line about being ignored and taken for granted by his wife but has to stay for blah blah blah. Your sister is no different.

She either wants to be in the relationship or not. If not, she'll manage on her own like millions of other women do.

The affair was 3 years ago, he made the decision to forgive and move on, surely by now she should be having her freedom back !

SM is the least of my worries, the fact that she can't see friends or exercise while he does whatever he wants shows that he's overplaying the victim's card to excuse a behaviour he was already showing before the affair

I think she's still trapped in the guilty and has no confidence to change this situation.
She will need to change her attitude and confront the situation - and please get back to work somehow!

He didn’t make that decision though did he? He clearly hasn’t forgiven his wife.

I’ve lived this scenario as a child where my father would hang my mothers affairs over her head during arguments. The wonderful thing about my mother was that she wouldn’t let him. She knew why she sought comfort elsewhere and my god would she rage back. Didn’t make for a fun childhood but I respect her for it.

The marriage is toxic. The husband is abusive. Your sister needs to find a way to leave him. Those are the salient points.

Op. It all sounds a bit of a mess. I’m not sure what you want to do for your sister. She’s downloading on you at the moment. Which friends and relatives do. You are struggling to process it because you are too close to her. The whole post just sounds like an unfiltered repeat from your sister and you are taking on her angst whilst she does nothing about it.

She can’t have been that tied to the kitchen sink if she managed to have an affair. Rental prices in Ireland vary wildly based on where you live. She can move and she can get a job when they split. The advice not to leave the family, was not the same as not starting divorce proceedings. She could stay and start it.

The only advice I would give is that you need to step back. Ask you sister what she wants to do as you can’t solve her problems for her unless she wants to do it herself.

Maybe she needs to pursue a divorce in situ, however uncomfortable it will be. Or move in with family with the dc, if possible, temporarily. I wouldn't look to stay in the marriage.

She can’t have been that tied to the kitchen sink if she managed to have an affair. depends. If most of the communication was online and the affair was emotional for the most part then it’s possible.

I had an affair. My ex was controlling to the point he had prevented me from going back to work, moved me away from all support, hacked into my social media, turned off the heating in the garage so he could be sure I couldn’t have it on during the day while he was out. Insisting we should have sex after the birth of DC and refusing to take no for an answer.

Ironically it was the fact he’d hacked into my social media and me realising that led to me getting chatting to someone else. I changed all my passwords and ended up talking to someone on there a lot. We started an emotional affair and managed to meet up once. Then eXH found out but by then I had already decided I was leaving. I had tried to on numerous occasions but it just wasn’t possible with no work, living miles away from any support and with children to look after.

But I knew that if I’d stayed the control would have become that much tighter than it already was.

I absolutely regret the affair and can hand on heart say that I would never do it again. But sometimes abuse creeps up on you and something makes you realise that it’s happening.

Nobody else is to blame for my affair, I am, but equally it’s naive to think that the cheated on partner is always a helpless victim who had no part in treating their partner in such a way that they ended up meeting someone else.

And I would bet money that there are men in the same position, whether posters on here wish to acknowledge that or not.

While there definitely are people who cheat just because they can, affairs are almost never that black and white.

Honey I’m sorry to hear you experienced that. It wasn’t the point of my post. You have obviously been able to recognise and deal with the abuse. I expect you would be a good person to help someone. And I agree affairs can be symptoms of a bad relationship

My point to the OP is she is not processing the information she is getting from her sister. What’s she posting in here is unfiltered, it’s subjective and it’s second hand. It hints at abuse, passivity and hyperbole. But it could be anything and that makes it impossible to give her advice to help her sister.

Very interesting to see the range of responses on this topic.

Of course nobody is responsible for your sister's affair but herself.

But her husband 'forgave' her and made a promise along with her in order to try to move forward.

It's not acceptable that he is harbouring resentment to the point where he feels he doesn't have to explain his actions or be held accountable for anything.

That is NOT a marriage. Your sister would have done better to have left after the affair instead of allowing her guilt to lead her to believe that she needed to 'make things right'.

They'll BOTH be better off without each other. Your sister deserves to at least see if she is unfaithful by nature or if something was seriously wrong with what she thought was her happily ever after. And him thinking he can flounce 'the rules' whenever he sees fit will turn him into a bitter resentful arsehole. I also wouldn't be surprised if he later had an affair and told he she couldn't complain.

Please encourage her to end this as soon as possible.

"My point to the OP is she is not processing the information she is getting from her sister. What’s she posting in here is unfiltered, it’s subjective and it’s second hand. It hints at abuse, passivity and hyperbole. But it could be anything and that makes it impossible to give her advice to help her sister."

I feel that even if the sister came on here to post this story herself, it would be told in the same way, so you are probably right. But there is nothing to gain by suggesting she 'thinks' she's being abused and nobody can really know the full story. As with any form of abuse, if it doesn't feel right, she needs to end it before it can get any worse.

Just to give more information regarding some of the comments about her just leaving. She lives in Dublin, there is a huge housing and rental crisis in the city. She could not afford to rent. Some people saying just up and leave with the kids and don't go back, again not realistic. The children love their father and he has parental rights too. She is not legally allowed to just take the kids and up and leave. I posted her because I really do not know what to tell her. If husband agreed to move out then she could get a job and would be able to afford the mortgage on her own but it's his home too and he has as much right as her to live there. I'm just incredibly sad for my sister. I have seen her turn into a shell of a person. She was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and ptsd about 2 years ago and its hear breaking to watch. Husband was her first and only boyfriend (until affair) She was an excellent wife and mother for many years and she is still amazing now. Nobody recognised everything she did it was always the husbands big personality that took over. Divorce in Ireland is a long process. I really think she loves him and is afraid of being on her own. Her self confidence and self esteem is zero.

And yes they did have counselling after the affair. Husband didn't like that counsellor wasn't agreeing with him. Wanted to change to a male counsellor. I know my bil since I'm 12,they are together 20 years. I have seen his passive aggressive behaviour, I've seen my sister in tears because he hasn't come home on time for her to pursue a hobby, I've seen her with the children on her own at parties. People seem to think as long as he's not physically abusive then it's OK, well it's not OK. He goes out with head up high, being everyone's best mate whilst his wife is ashamed and embarrassed. He even tried to get me on his side after affair.

His family are equally horrible. Fil shouted to her she was a slut when he seen her in a hotel. She was with me and there was a big santa experience on. Luckily kids didn't see. His brother recorded the conversation on his phone the day husband found out about affair. His whole family turned up and abused her. Her mil grabbed her clothes from the wardrobe and threw them in a case. When they were back together his brother and future wife invited him and the kids to wedding but my sister wasn't allowed ago. Husband went with kids.

I'm very sorry to hear that your sister is going through this and that you are also watching this happen to your loved one.

I think the best way I can describe the sentiment of the comments saying 'just leave' is that this is what your sister needs to know would be the best thing to do. It may give her the strength to stand up for herself if the guilt finally leaves her and she knows most women wouldn't put up with this.

If my (current) partner had had an affair, and I found it in myself to 'take him back', I wouldn't have any right to hold it over him forever. Sure, perhaps the occasional resentful outburst would show itself. It would be a work in progress. But if I am accepting the premise of continuing with our marriage/partnership, that means sticking to the same vows as were made at the beginning and not changing the rules later down the line. If I can't do that, I would need to end it. There is no third option where I'm entitled to hold him over a barrel for eternity.

Given what you have said about her circumstances, the course of events does make a lot more sense. I never condone cheating, I believe it's always best to leave if you are having feelings for somebody else. But there are always circumstances in life that turn things on their heads.

In the absence of being able to up sticks with the kids, your sister needs to understand that the rest of her marriage should not be a punishment. Not least because it would be the children suffering the most.

I hope you manage to find some clarity with all of this.

Ok , if she can't leave now she needs to first forgive herself and regain some respect.
Finding a job is a must - it's amazing how much financial independence weighs on a relationship.
And if he starts shouting abuse, she needs to do what @justanotherneighinparadaise mum did.

Won't be easy as she's been cornered for some time.
If she has the patience, I recommend reading Crime and punishment 😉

Both needs to move on

Are there any women's charities she could approach for help?